Customer Reviews

Destruction Kings

5 star:		(3)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

This is a terrible film. It starts out with a man in drag telling two other men, one with a rubber ape mask and another with Don King's hairdo that they need to keep a low profile. This is another Tempe crapper. If you have seen any of the "Bad Movie Police" you will recognize one of the buxom cops who is critical of theses movies, actually stars in this one.

A team of geeks go after monsters who want to take over the world by creating an army of followers one at a time, starting in strip joints. Frankenstein has a British accent and later sounds like Arnold. Plenty of cheap laughs and crude humor.

F-bomb, simulated oral sex, no nudity, sex talk.

Yes it's cheap. Yes it's vulgar. I enjoy the Mr. Bonejack character. These films are like a series. The characters evolve over time. I liked it. I try to watch all of Seivers films. Some ain't so good. But we all have different tastes.

If you're sick of movies that spend millions on achieving a sense of realism but still come out riddled with flaws that become the focal points of your attention this might be a refreshing antidote.

Visually Chris Seaver's films have very low ambitions but the equal lack of regard for realism inspires a constant stream of creative unexpected moments.

First off, let me just say this. If you have NO sense of humor and think Dirty Dancing is the greatest film of all time....DON'T BUY THIS DVD!

But, if you're like me and love horror and outrageously raw comedy, you MUST buy this movie.

When Mr. Bonejack and Teenape are forced to take rookie P.I.A. agent Brandy along with them on their latest case, the nyucks soon ensue. First off, the missing strippers are actually being abducted by the Wolfman. And thanks to a rather informative sign in the Wolfman's lair, they quickly find out that he's in cahoots with none other than Funkenstein, and Dracula himself!

Help soon arrives in the form of three very young and overly eager PIA fanatics. Having discovered the uber-secret, legendary location of the PIA, the three teens walk right in the back door and vow to help our heroes save the day.

There are people out there who will greenlight anything! That is the only explanation I can offer as to why "Destruction Kings" exists. First off, the title has NO relation to the movie you are watching. The movie is like a bad rip-off of Hammer House of Horror films, you know, movies about "The Mummy" vs. "Dracula." And that's only mildly amusing aspect to the whole movie. It's so bad you'll go off movies forever. I seriously wanted to switch this off and watch the paint dry on my wall (I was painting my porch earlier in the day).

The basic jist of the 'story'. A rag-tag group of kids are hired by a couple of moronic idiots dressed in drag to kill monsters. I think they were going for a "GOONIES" vibe. Imagine the Goonies but dressed in Halloween costumes. Two kids who refuse to take their Halloween costumes lead the idiot monster hunters. One overgrown kid is dressed like "Planet of the Apes." And the other leader is a fat kid dressed like "Don King" or something.

Jammed into this ghastly disaster is a superabundance of gibberish dialogue, heinous acting, and mumbo-jumbo exposition.

It makes Resident Evil look like cinematic glory.

Hell, even the Double Dragon movie seems multi-Oscar worthy in comparison to this junk. The only one who comes out of this with his dignity still intact is Ariuana Albright. She could have just taken his money and ran but she tries her best to work with the awful script and brings a tiny bit of pathos to her character. The rest of the cast 'sucks' I'm afraid. The characters are idiots and deserve to die.

The concept: a bunch of kids who never grew up, dressed in Halloween costumes, fighting REAL LIFE monsters is a great idea. But because the make-up FX are so horrid, the SUPPOSED REAL monsters they are fighting look like kids dressed up in Halloween costumes too. So the movie fails to suspend any disbelief.

Plus, if you cut out the swearing and pointless nudity, I see no reason why this film cannot be shown on Saturday morning TV. It's not frightening in the slightest. Pirates of the Caribbean is more scary than the skeletal bad guys in this film. And where did all those bad guys come from anyway? Why would Frankenstein's monster, Dracula and The Wolfman go to New Jersey of all places? ANSWER: Because the director THINKS its funny. That joke didn't work with Eddie Murphy's "VAMPIRE IN BROOYLYN". It certainly doesn't work in this home video crapsterpiece.

Who's ultimately to blame for that scandalous waste of celluloid? None other than JR Bookwalter. While I admire his DIY tenacity. And I think it's great that he is trying to be supportive of other young filmmakers. Ironically, Sam Raimi gave JR his break after helping to fund JR's underrated pulp horror masterpiece "THE DEAD NEXT DOOR." But, did JR have to go out and find the World's WORST director for his company? His control over the movie is non-existent. You can clearly the see actors have no idea what they should be doing and that the monsters aren't really taking it all seriously. The actors seem like they're reading off cue cards as they constantly pause in the middle of long sentences and carry on talking as soon as they see the next card. It all feels very unnatural. JR deserves to be slapped for allowing the idiot who made this film a hundred feet near a camera. It says the director of "Destruction Kings" is named Chris Seaver. JR, do the world a favor... FIRE Chris Seaver.

And to all the people responsible for this pathetic attempt at horror comedy: UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT FUNNY OR SCARY AND THAT YOU DESERVE TO DRINK A TALL GLASS OF SHAME!

I haven't seen this film yet but I've seen the trailer and the trailer is insane hilarious! YES YES YES it's NUTS!!!!

Imagine Samuel L Jackson & John Travolta's characters from PULP FICTION doing KUNG FU and REPLACED by MR BONEJACK and TEENAPE from the LBP films..

fighting an insane cast of monsters, zombies, ninjas and goofballs..

This is insane.. and the music is awesome.. the best yet in a LBP film..

It seems that Chris has taken his original idea for MULVA II (having mulva face off against all the famous monsters from universal) and turned it into something ultra mega cool.. come on BONEJACK and TEEN APE how can you go wrong.. though if they had thrown Mulva in with them.. JESUS that would have been cool..

OH YEAH HOW BOUTCHA!!