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Diary of a Mad Playwright : Perilous Adventures on the Road with Mary Martin & Carol Channing

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Hilarious yet often sad true tale of the author's incredibly frustrating run of his stage play Legends, starring two honest-to-goodness stage divas Carol Channing and Mary Martin, who in real life gave their stage characters more than a run for their money. Greedy producers, bickering stars, hostile reviewers, backstage manipulations, it's all here, presented in good humor by Kirkwood, a vastly unsung writer, unfortunately long since deceased. This was his final book. A good read in itself, and sure to provoke laughter and empathy from anyone who has been involved in theatre.

Suppose you are a playwright who co-authored a little something called "A Chorus Line"? And just suppose you managed to sign theatrical legends Mary Martin and Carol Channing for your latest play, appropriately called "Legends!"? What could possibly go wrong? Grab this book, and boy, will you find out! For example, Mary Martin could no longer remember lines, so she was fitted with a small radio headset so she could be "fed" her lines. But seemingly every taxi driver in the city was on the same frequency... Hilarious, tragic-a true classic, right up there with "Act One" by Moss Hart.

James Kirkwood (1924-1989) was born into a show business family: both parents were noted figures of the silent screen era. Father James Kirkwood Sr. was among D.W. Griffith's leading men, Mary Pickford's favorite directors, and had a long career as a memorable bit and character actor. Mother Lila Lee was a noted actress opposite such legendary players as Valentino and Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle; she is perhaps best recalled for the role of Rosie O'Grady opposite Lon Chaney in his only talking film, the 1930 THE UNHOLY THREE. Kirkwood himself would become a performer as well, working primarily on stage but with occasional forays into television with appearances on such series as Valiant Lady, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and Perry Mason--but his great claim to fame would be as a writer. His novels include the notable THERE MUST BE A PONY (later adapted as a television vehicle for Elizabeth Taylor and Robert Wagner) and P.S. YOUR CAT IS DEAD (which Kirkwood himself adapted to the stage and which was later filmed with Steve Guttenberg and Lombardo Boyer.) But Kirkwood's great claim to fame would be as co-author of the book for A CHORUS LINE, the innovative Broadway smash that ran over six thousand performances in its original New York production. The play would bring Kirkwood a Tony Award and the Pulitizer Prize for his work.

In the mid-1980s Kirkwood created a play titled LEGENDS!, a serio-comic study of two aging and long-feuding movie divas who find themselves forced to reunite in a film project in order to bolster their sagging careers, not to mention fast-draining bank accounts. Based on the notes he kept during the process of creation, casting, rehearsal, and touring, THE DIARY OF A MAD PLAYWRIGHT gives us the inside scoop from the author's point of view, and while it is often quite funny, the ultimate effect is a theatrical horror story complete with neurotic stars, frustrating featured playes, an incompetent director, an unhelpful producer, and a host of lesser wasps ranging from backstage assistants to hotel booking clerks. Kirkwood is shockingly frank, and perhaps the most amazing thing about the book is that not a single person mentioned in it sued him. This is particularly true of the two stars who signed onto the project, both of them legendary performers of the stage: Mary Martin and Carol Channing.

Mary Martin was at this time semi-retired in the wake of a serious car crash, but according to Kirkwood she was not only the first pick for one of the dueling divas, she was key everything from backing to play dates. Although warned that she was a prize they might do better not to win, Kirkwood and his associates not only got her, they got much more than they bargained for. Although noted for her cheerful stage presence, she proved to be one tough cookie, making--and getting--a host of demands that few companies would tolerate. Her demands also extended to the script, with Martin refusing to use profanities, casually tossing lines she didn't like, and demanding re-writes of others. Martin also had significant difficulty in learning her lines, and throughout the rehearsal and preview process frequently errupted in tears and threats to quit, something that after a time Kirkwood sincerely wished she would do.

While Martin tended to enforce her demands in a passive-aggressive manner by retiring to her dressing room, Channing was quite a different matter: she could and did nag, complain, and bitch to the point of major explosion over everything from the color of her gowns to the style of her wigs, and Martin's inability to learn the lines made her one of Channing's favorite targets. Channing, often backed by her husband, accused Martin of everything from senile dementia to rampant alcoholism, and most horrendously of all had the habit of prompting and correcting Martin's lines not only in rehearsal but in actual performances. Given Martin's difficulties, Channing also felt (and with some justification) that everyone from the writer to the director to the producer was babying Martin to her own expense, a circumstance that led to repeated blow outs.

The play limped through a number of performances in major metro areas with many of the early performances disasters that required Kirkwood to write, re-write, and do endless battle with the director and financial backers; it also endured considerable bad press and, while it usually played extremely well with audiences, received one deadly review after another. Even so, the play began to build a sense of excitement while on tour. Martin, at first required to use an "ear bug" through which a prompter fed her lines, ultimately nailed the script, audiences were enthusiastic, and momentum began to build toward a New York opening--when one of the backer's minons began to demand a series of re-writes that had the effect of outraging both actresses, Mary Martin in particular. Deeply offended, Martin informed the company that she would play out her contract but nothing more, something that would take her out of the production before any possible New York opening. Although she had battled with Martin, Channing also bonded with her; she refused to continue without Martin playing opposite her, rejecting the possible replacement of Anne Miller as co-star. And so the play, after endless sturm and drang, closed flat and that, as they say, was that.

It would be nice to say that Kirkwood tells tells this story with a light touch, but he does not: he is clearly furious with virtually everyone who had anything to do with the ill-fated production, and compares its failure to a remarkably successful version performed in South America to rave reviews and packed houses. All the same, Kirkwood does not actually damn his leading ladies, implying that they were all after major stage divas and that difficulties were part of the territory; he saves his purest vitriol for the director and most particularly for the backer and his minons, none of whom were experienced in the theatre but who nonetheless felt they knew better than all concerned. The book concludes on a chilling note: several men connected with the production died of AIDS either before or not long after the play closed. Kirkwood himself would die of AIDS in 1989.

Although this does not fall within the scope of Kirkwood's book, LEGENDS! has since become something of a legend in itself, not only as a by-word for the nightmares than can befall a playwright and his play, but as a vehicle that has attracted much interest from famous leading ladies without ever actually managing to break the Broadway stage. As recently as 2006 the play toured with Linda Evans and Joan Collins, playing a thirty-week tour--but again falling short of New York. Ironically, LEGENDS! did in fact reach New York in 2009, but only in a roundabout way, adapted by John Epperson (professionally known as Lypsinka) as a piece for female impersonators and receiving a single reading in New York as a charity fundraiser. So there may be life in LEGENDS! yet.

GFT, Amazon Reviewer