Customer Reviews

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

5 star:		(32)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

One of the few books on the market that actually provides practical insight and techniques for handling encounters with an individual who is narcississtic. Most books focus almost entirely on how awful the narcississt can behave to the point of demonizing what is essentially a archaic defense mechanism learned in childhood. The author spends considerable time on what you, as the non-narcississt, get out of the relationship, how you pick up the other end of the rope, and the importance of understanding your own hot buttons (which Narcississt's are almost supernaturally good at triggering) rather than continuing the status quo by responding with your own defensive patterns that go nowhere but bad. This book is asking a lot of it's readers; that they understand the concept of schemas and that they grow up emotionally and approach their life, and the narcissist's they may love or encounter, from a place of strength, knowledge, maturity, and wisdom. If you want another book that outlines how horrible narcissists are and how you are their unwilling victim, you will not appreciate this book. If you are willing or interested to learn about yourself and looking at your own part of the dance, such that through your own growth and modeling the relationship, even with a narcississt, has a chance to improve, then this book is for you. Bravo.

I have over 25 years of full time practice as a therapist and have had extensive training in psychoanalysis, cognitive therapy and schema therapy (the approach upon which this book is based). This book does justice to the full depth and complexity of Narcissism. It does not offer simplistic advice or a quick solution that, like chewing gum, seems great at the start but quickly fades. With warmth, a delightful sense of humor and compassion, this author takes you by the hand and introduces you to the key strategies we have found effective in dealing with, and overcoming, narcissism. This book is clear, practical, and enjoyable to read. It will take time, effort and repeated study to fully grasp all that is offered but I can assure that your effort will be well rewarded since this author has obviously "done her homework" and truly knows. Upon first read, some of the strategies may seem difficult to execute. This is because they are built upon a blending and layering of skills and knowledge involving the heart and the mind. This is what it takes to be effective with narcissism. There is not a quick and easy way. I can assure you that if you are not just going through the motions, they work. Similar to learning to play a musical instrument or a new sport like golf or tennis, what can seem daunting at the start will eventually be in your grasp if you break it into the steps you need and gradually put it all together. Some of us will be a quick study and some of us will benefit from additional "coaching". The author provides useful links for the latter.

I, as a seasoned therapist, have learned a great deal from this book and find it making a significant difference in my work. I will be returning to it repeatedly myself.

Overall, I found this book to be disappointing. It was helpful in terms of learning about narcissists and why they behave the way they do. The information about schemas and the reasons why we let narcissists push our buttons was also interesting. What I was looking for--as promised in the book--was strategies for dealing with people with this disorder, and I thought that those listed were very unrealistic. The examples of helpful dialogue that the author gives are just not practical. A narcissist would be have tuned out after the first sentence of most of those monologues. The tips for dealing with a narcissist coworker were few and far between. Basically, I was left with the impression that there is not much you can do about a narcissist in your life except change your own behavior or get them out of your life.

I didn't find the book helpful.

It didn't seem like the author really got how contemptuous and nasty narcissists can be.

The author says to look at your own childhood abuse schemas to see what is being activated by the narcissist which is not only a little too close to blaming the victim, but doesn't jive with the research showing that even babies (who are too young to have developed cognitive schemas) know that something is terribly wrong when interacting with a person who is unempathic and hurtful.

The section on being mindful almost goes somewhere, but ends up short because it fails to recognize our innate ability to be aware that the narcissist really is toxic and unconscious, and to use that natural awareness to create boundaries. It is important to be able to say "no" or leave or not give in to the tactics and pressures exerted by narcissists.

But instead the author too a different approach along the lines of how to tell the narcissist in your life you care about how they feel and that you don't want them to feel ignored. And that they (the narcissist) should tell you when they want your attention, rather than abusing you.

As far as empathizing with the narcissist goes, the book doesn't get into the fear of non-being and death that you can feel being around a true narcissist. Or all the resistances and grandiosity to avoid becoming aware.

I think there should have been more about disarming narcissists by not falling for their seduction and ploys, and by being able to maintain good boundaries, including saying 'no' or leaving.

Be aware that the methods in this book will make you more vulnerable to the verbal abuse of a narcissist. I wish my narcissist husband had been a workholic for self-soothing, instead he's a skirt-aholic (which was never addressed). Trying to use empathy as advised by the author and her methods open the user to more viciousness by the narcissist. Her examples of exchanges starting the narcissist on the road to more acceptable behavior are just too simple and provide the narcissist with more ammunition with which to attack. After 24 years of his putting his wants before the needs of others and believing the children and I existed merely to further the myth to the rest of the world that he is a great guy, the divorce attorney was money better spent. Dealing with a narcissist requires professional counseling, not a book that begins with reviews, title page, dedication, TOC, foreward, preface, acknowledgements, about the greatness of the author before even getting to the Introduction. Gag!

The name of this book would be accurately titled if it was called "Disarming Narcissistic People" rather than "Disarming the Narcissist" because it gives hints and tips and explains how to deal with people with narcissistic tendencies and what would be helpful in not enabling them. It goes through the different beleif systems perceived by yourself, and the narcissist in your life to create this understanding and awareness in order to act appropriately.

If you are dealing with someone with TRUE narcissitic personality disorder, this book is not helpful at all. The book is incomplete at the full spectrum of the disorder, and really only focuses on I would say, the lighter side of narcissism. The author says things about the narcissist in your life not being inherently evil, and how to feel compassion for the child within, blah blah. She ignores the abuse factor in the relationship, which is prevalent in most if not all narcissistic relationships, and makes a caveat about the book not being for those who are abused, and to please get help.

The techniques suggested on how NOT to become an enabler, would never work if you are dealing with a true narcissist who really does not care about anyone else but themselves. For example, she was talking about the "invisibility" factor, and how the narcissist will shut down, even walk away, when the conversation is no longer about themselves. She makes suggestions, "please look at me in the eye when I talk to you" etc.. A true narcissist would walk away, and never turn around, regardless of what you are saying.

The book is really incomplete too. The book never talks about how their are some narcissists who ARE truly evil, and only intent is sabotage, manipulate, lie, etc.

This book should written along the lines of, "How to Deal with Difficult People"

One never "disarms" a narcissist, and narcissists never voluntarily disarm unless one has leverage over them--in an arena that they care about, which isn't much other than themselves.

The best part of the book is the cognitive-behavioral orientation that one uses in treating a narcissist. The narcissist's "schemas" do not allow the narcissist to "care" (about others), and since they are unexpressed and largely covert, therapy involves making the narcissist's "assumptions" and "schemas" explicit. In so doing, the therapist maintains a balance, always trying to "side" with the narcissist's desire to be loved, admired, etc., but not caving into the narcissist's grandiose demands and ultimata.

I am skeptical about the subtitle, "Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed," in addition to the use of the term "disarming." I have never known anyone, and especially children, who has learned to "thrive" with a narcissist. The only question in living with a narcissist is how large the collateral damange extends in terms of relationships and time-through-life.

My brother was a flagrant narcissist. Yes, he had all the "little boy" defenses that Ms. Beharry describes. He was divorced twice, fathered two children out of wedlock in a third non-married relationship, lost jobs due to his unpredictable nature, threatened to sue his brothers and sisters, and was a serious substance abuser. Yes, he was also a lawyer, which is a profession loaded with professional narcissists. He hated therapists. He raised one borderline survivor of his narcissism, a young person who truly is crippled, and who also hates therapists.

Could he have been disarmed? Absolutely not. Could any of his wives, live-in's, girlfriends, or children "thrived"? Absolutley not. He did his family and the world a favor when he died--of congestive heart failure--and thus did the only decent thing in his life, to lower his carbon footprint. He was the angriest person I ever knew.

Having to deal with family members with NPD, I was looking for more information. The book fell short. The descriptions of narcissists are right on the money, but the suggestions offered are psychobabble. For example, this is the author's suggestion for dealing with a narcissistic bully, "Leanna, this is very uncomfortable and embarrassing. It is also very disappointing to me that you seem to have little regard for my feelings and act as if it's perfectly ok to do as you please, even when it has a negative impact on me. I know that you are very accustomed to taking charge and making things go your way, and you take pride in that. But it is not ok for you to dismiss my rights and my feelings..." This SOUNDS good, but a true narcissist would become even more abusive and demeaning.
Really the truth is that the only way to save yourself is to avoid the close relationships with folks with NPD(narcissists are usually verbally abusive when denied their own way.) Either that, or you have to be a doormat. If you had parents with NPD and have chosen a significant other with it, you certainly look into why you have chosen someone like that.
I just hate to think of someone suffering through verbal abuse and thinking that they can somehow fix it.

Unfortunately, the suggestions provided in this book to disarm a narcissist would only be useful when dealing those who do Not have narcissism. It appears this book has been written based on theory only and provides the reader with extremely ineffective suggestions for practical application.
I have read many, many books on the subject and by far this one was the most disappointing.

For a couple of years now i've been on a quest to learn about narcissists & how to deal with them. Several years ago i lived with a man(boy) for 2 years (he is still in my life). at first his attentiveness & fixation on me & absolute "love" seemed great. inside, though, i had fears that it all couldn't be true. after a short period came the criticisms, blames & bullying, manipulating, control & always him trying to shut me off from speaking. he could not/would not hear my voice. making a longer story shorter, he started reminding me of my ex, who did almost identical things with me. i wondered what it was about ME that magnetized these people towards me. during this wonderment i was trying to diagnose this man/boy & he seemed to fit just about every personality disorder in the books, but, alas, when i came upon narcissism, it could not be denied that his spectrum of behavior patterns fit the narcissistic brand like a glove, and IN SPADES. and i had patiently listened over the years to the little he offered in childhood stories, which he glorified in the beginning, yet, after awhile, the neglect, the dismissal, the non-love emerged, though he has not been able to label these things as such - - yet. i read Nina Brown's books - Children of the Self-Absorbed & Loving the Self-Absorbed, then went online & read tons of Sam Vaknin's writings about narcissism, which was wonderfully illuminating! i would return back to Sam's stuff time after time over the years to help myself to understand what i was dealing with. Then, several weeks ago, Amazon advertising alerted me to Wendy Behary's book: Disarming the Narcissist. i ordered it speedy delivery - a first for me!! This book has finally given me what i've been wanting for years - a real & compassionate way to talk to these people without engaging the anger, running away, freezing (going silent - just agreeing) or becoming contentious, otherwise known as fight/flight/freeze. This book has given me insight into my past & some ideas as to how narcissists have turned up in my life more than once. my own deeper introspection sets me free. i keep working on it. meanwhile, Wendy Behary has given communication/expression strategies in dealing with the narcissist(s) in your life. This has produced amazing results for me on two rather serious occasions. my dear narcissist was once again blaming me for something he did & through compassionate listening & description of his & my feelings, the results were amazing. i asked for 2 things: that he admit & apologize. he did both. it took a couple of rounds to get HIM to say the right words AND to give eye contact, but he did it; i kissed him on the head in appreciation & then we continued having a wonderful evening w/out a fight, or contention, or blame. this IS serious work, folks. i'll not kid you - for me, i prepared what i was going to say & wrote it out, so i'd get it right, so it wasn't an instantaneous thing; it took careful thought & wording & i prepared him earlier that i had something serious to talk about later. he's still his same person, trying to fault me about things i said, or didn't say, trying to get me to agree to all of his negative convictions about life & society & people, cutting me off when i'm speaking, pontificating self-righteously & not standing for interruptions when HE'S talking - most of which can be sloughed off by me. one has to truly pick when to put that foot down. one cannot really change the narcissist or his/her patterns, but one can put a block on how much blame, criticism, projection one will allow the narcissist to 'get in.' so, i HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has a person, or people in their lives who overstep their bounds with you, tend to push you around, dismiss you & your feelings, brag about themselves unrelentingly & blame you for the things they do. Wendy Behary talks of schemas & cognitive/behavioral therapy - all which deserve a looking into if one wants to really understand themselves and the people they tend to fall "into place" with. ~ Lanette, Connecticut