Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child [Hardcover]

Faulkner Fox (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 23, 2003

When Salon.com published Faulkner Fox’s article on motherhood, “What I Learned from Losing My Mind,” the response was so overwhelming that Salon reran the piece twice. The experience made Faulkner realize that she was not alone—that the country is full of women who are anxious and conflicted about their roles as mothers and wives.

In Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life, her provocative, brutally honest, and often hilarious memoir of motherhood, Faulkner explores the causes of her unhappiness, as well as the societal and cultural forces that American mothers have to contend with. From the time of her first pregnancy, Faulkner found herself—and her body—scrutinized by doctors, friends, strangers, and, perhaps most of all, herself. In addition to the significant social pressures of raising the perfect child and being the perfect mom, Faulkner also found herself increasingly incensed by the unequal distribution of household labor and infuriated by the gender inequity in both her home and others’. And though she loves her children and her husband passionately, is thankful for her bountiful middle-class life, and feels wracked with guilt for being unhappy, she just can’t seem to experience the sense of satisfaction that she thought would come with the package. She’s finally got it all—the husband, the house, the kids, an interesting part-time job, even a few hours a week to write—so why does she feel so conflicted?

Faulkner sheds light on the fear, confusion, and isolation experienced by many new mothers, mapping the terrain of contemporary domesticity, marriage, and motherhood in a voice that is candid, irreverent, and deeply personal, while always chronicling the unparalleled joy she and other mothers take in their children.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

"Frequent Parenting Miles." Mothers of the 21st Century may not be familiar with this term, (coined by author Faulkner Fox), but they’ll quickly catch the gist, no doubt about it. In her irreverent, smart, thought-provoking memoir, Fox raises a lot of questions, and even answers a few. A biggie is this: "If you love someone and he’s a feminist, and you create children together...shouldn’t the groundwork for peace and generosity be laid? Perhaps Duncan [Fox’s husband--not his real name] was a fake feminist, an armchair spouter of equity-talk." Fox agonizes over what is just, for her little family and for womankind. She obsessively (and hilariously) counts the hours she spends caring for her two sons versus the hours her husband spends doing the same thing (a.k.a. frequent parenting miles). She reflects on the social, political, and health ramifications of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. In her professional life she ponders the time-honored tradition of paying women less to do the same jobs men do. And she returns, again and again, to a fantasy she had in her 20s, in which she writes peacefully in a house by the sea while a man cooks in the kitchen and a small child plays quietly in the corner. Why does real life look so different, even with a swell husband, much-loved children, a part-time job, and a little time to write?

Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life is packed with the kind of ambivalence and unexpected humor and joy that so many women find in life today. It should be required reading for any woman or man contemplating marriage, parenthood, or simply life as an adult. --Emilie Coulter

From Booklist

Fox recalls a recurring fantasy from young adulthood that featured her living in a house by the sea, with a husband and young child, in a relationship so loving and harmonious that she could work without interference or guilt. When she later married and had children, Fox discovered a life full of obligations, interferences, guilt, and resentment. In this frank, and often amusing, memoir, Fox recounts her experiences with two children three years apart and her occasional ambivalence about motherhood. Her specific issues: maintaining a sense of individual self; work ambitions versus motherhood; negotiating child care and housework with her husband; and the constant question, "Is it just me?" From her feminist perspective, she ponders the oppressive and redemptive nature of housekeeping and child rearing and the never-ending selflessness required of mothers versus a woman's personal choices. Women of various political perspectives will appreciate this honest look at the rigors of motherhood. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 272 pages
• Publisher: Harmony (December 23, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1400049393
• ISBN-13: 978-1400049394
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 6 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.1 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (79 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,475,031 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

35 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars An Honest and Groundbreaking Book, January 19, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child (Hardcover)

Once upon a time, women grew up believing that motherhood would equal fulfillment, that unconditional love for our children would be innate, that being a mommy would make us glow with happiness round the clock -- unless, of course, there was something intrinsically wrong with our character. Jane Lazarre brilliantly exploded this myth in _The Mother Knot_. Thirty years later, Faulkner Fox explodes the myth of a new generation: that parenthood has become an equal opportunity profession. With as much eloquence as Lazarre and much more humor, Fox navigates the Gymboree world of modern parenting -- most importantly the disappointment upon discovering that despite best intentions on behalf of both partners, despite all those fathers Baby Bjorning through the park on Saturday, Mom is still, well, Mom. As Fox points out, in order to make up for time spent breastfeeding alone, Dad would have to take over all household chores and most other child-rearing duties.

This book will make you angry, it will make you laugh, it will make you exclaim out loud in agreement and relief. It will make you feel like your smartest friend just came over for coffee, and convinced you you're not insane or unreasonable. With palpable love for her family and justifiable bristle at the injustice of domestic life, Faulkner Fox has written a book for anyone who's ever daydreamed about transcendentalism or nuclear physics while clapping her hands at Kindermusik.

24 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Thought I would love it but found it quite depressing. . . ., September 8, 2004

By 

smilla - See all my reviews

This review is from: Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child (Hardcover)

As a mother of twin toddlers in a two Ph.D. family (my husband and I, that is)- I can certainly relate to much of the content of the book. I have also felt isolated and lost, and pissed off at my husband about the domestic load that I am bearing. But the anger in this book! Obsessively keeping track of domestic chores in 15-minute intervals in order to demand like from partner? And also, this book is NOT humorous except in the most black of ways!

Not every woman is going to be fulfilled by staying home and taking care of children, and it is extremely difficult to have to choose between your children and your career. But not once does the author recognize that by being a loving parent, whether you work or not, you make the world a better place every day (I know how trite that sounds, but it's true!). Although she loves her children, they are a source of oppression in that society expects her to _____________ (feed them organic vegetables, bring them to Gymboree, give up her "adult" life, whatever!). The endless self examination, recrimination, blame and anger got tiresome and left me with a flat and hollow feeling.

That said, I'm glad that other women have found reading it a positive experience. I guess you should read the sample pages before you plop down the cash.

22 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Room for every woman, March 5, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child (Hardcover)

I am surprised by some of the negative reader reviews of this book. It is a very well written and funny book. I do understand that for some of us who wish everyday for the things that Ms. Fox seemingly got served on a silver platter (e.g. healthy children), it is hard to hear her 'complain.' I also understand that there are mother's out there who simply cannot allow Ms. Fox the space to share her own experience. If Ms. Fox is allowed the space, then maybe all mothers deserve the space? This leads to the question, "How can I keep my household running and still have time to cry about the things I know I should feel fortunate to have?" Let me assure you, there is room for every woman's story, even your own. This is not a story about "looking at gift horses," but instead a very personal journey that sheds light on the role of mother in modern day US culture.
In sum, if you read this book and you find yourself angry or defensive, please take a moment to ask yourself these questions:
1)Do I really know what irony is? Would I recognize it if I read it?
2)Have I been criticized before in my life for "doing" instead of "feeling."
3) Have I put enough thought into the phrase, "the personal is political?"
4)Does it somehow make me feel better to tell another woman to stop crying over perfectly good spilled milk? Would I think, "just clean it up and be grateful that you had the milk in the first place." Is this the kind of "life is hard" lesson I want to share with my own daughter?
5) And lastly, "Is it really just a coincidence that the vast majority of my mother friends made more drastic personal sacrifices and changes in career path than did their husbands?" Is it possible that, instead, this is indicative of a trend in US family culture? A trend that deserves more room for thought?