Customer Reviews

Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child

5 star:		(44)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(20)

 

 

Once upon a time, women grew up believing that motherhood would equal fulfillment, that unconditional love for our children would be innate, that being a mommy would make us glow with happiness round the clock -- unless, of course, there was something intrinsically wrong with our character. Jane Lazarre brilliantly exploded this myth in _The Mother Knot_. Thirty years later, Faulkner Fox explodes the myth of a new generation: that parenthood has become an equal opportunity profession. With as much eloquence as Lazarre and much more humor, Fox navigates the Gymboree world of modern parenting -- most importantly the disappointment upon discovering that despite best intentions on behalf of both partners, despite all those fathers Baby Bjorning through the park on Saturday, Mom is still, well, Mom. As Fox points out, in order to make up for time spent breastfeeding alone, Dad would have to take over all household chores and most other child-rearing duties.

This book will make you angry, it will make you laugh, it will make you exclaim out loud in agreement and relief. It will make you feel like your smartest friend just came over for coffee, and convinced you you're not insane or unreasonable. With palpable love for her family and justifiable bristle at the injustice of domestic life, Faulkner Fox has written a book for anyone who's ever daydreamed about transcendentalism or nuclear physics while clapping her hands at Kindermusik.

As a mother of twin toddlers in a two Ph.D. family (my husband and I, that is)- I can certainly relate to much of the content of the book. I have also felt isolated and lost, and pissed off at my husband about the domestic load that I am bearing. But the anger in this book! Obsessively keeping track of domestic chores in 15-minute intervals in order to demand like from partner? And also, this book is NOT humorous except in the most black of ways!

Not every woman is going to be fulfilled by staying home and taking care of children, and it is extremely difficult to have to choose between your children and your career. But not once does the author recognize that by being a loving parent, whether you work or not, you make the world a better place every day (I know how trite that sounds, but it's true!). Although she loves her children, they are a source of oppression in that society expects her to _____________ (feed them organic vegetables, bring them to Gymboree, give up her "adult" life, whatever!). The endless self examination, recrimination, blame and anger got tiresome and left me with a flat and hollow feeling.

That said, I'm glad that other women have found reading it a positive experience. I guess you should read the sample pages before you plop down the cash.

I am surprised by some of the negative reader reviews of this book. It is a very well written and funny book. I do understand that for some of us who wish everyday for the things that Ms. Fox seemingly got served on a silver platter (e.g. healthy children), it is hard to hear her 'complain.' I also understand that there are mother's out there who simply cannot allow Ms. Fox the space to share her own experience. If Ms. Fox is allowed the space, then maybe all mothers deserve the space? This leads to the question, "How can I keep my household running and still have time to cry about the things I know I should feel fortunate to have?" Let me assure you, there is room for every woman's story, even your own. This is not a story about "looking at gift horses," but instead a very personal journey that sheds light on the role of mother in modern day US culture.
In sum, if you read this book and you find yourself angry or defensive, please take a moment to ask yourself these questions:
1)Do I really know what irony is? Would I recognize it if I read it?
2)Have I been criticized before in my life for "doing" instead of "feeling."
3) Have I put enough thought into the phrase, "the personal is political?"
4)Does it somehow make me feel better to tell another woman to stop crying over perfectly good spilled milk? Would I think, "just clean it up and be grateful that you had the milk in the first place." Is this the kind of "life is hard" lesson I want to share with my own daughter?
5) And lastly, "Is it really just a coincidence that the vast majority of my mother friends made more drastic personal sacrifices and changes in career path than did their husbands?" Is it possible that, instead, this is indicative of a trend in US family culture? A trend that deserves more room for thought?

I'm so glad that Faulkner Fox had the courage to write this book. And I guess she has done something right because it's my contention that the books people are most sharply divided about--like this one--tend to be books about things that really matter.

"Dispatches" covers subjects which NEED to be talked about, but often aren't: ambivalence about having children and/or mothering (before or after you have); the myth of 'the perfect mother' and 'adorable children;' the fact that sometimes (oftentimes?) babies can be boring; the lopsided nature of our society that calls women to mother and then provides little or no support in terms of career options (e.g. job-sharing, adequate paid leave, REAL flextime), mothering services (e.g. such as post-natal in-home care), or recognition.

As a early-30s married woman trying to decide--in some kind of clear-eyed manner--why people would actually WANT to have kids and whether I want to myself, Fox's book provided not only a lot of laughs (of recognition) along the way, but also a REAL picture of what I might expect. Perhaps surprizingly (to some other reviewers on this forum), I felt better about the whole deal AFTER reading her book because she doesn't try to put any kind of spin-job on what can often be a thankless task. I always prefer the truth to some kind of "You'll be fine!! Don't ask too many Qs. Don't think too much about it all. Don't question OUR decisions as being anything other than also right for you..." Fox's ways of dealing with the difficulties she experienced throughout her boys' earlier years spoke to me on a very personal level (e.g. engaging them on a verbal, intellectual level; giving up on trying to be 'perfect' and instead just being her) and made me think I (we!--my husband and I) might just be able to pull it off. I don't know of a better recommendation than that.

I loved this book. Reading it affirmed for me that I am not the only one out here struggling with conflicting emotions and anxiety regarding motherhood and the prescribed activities that go along with it. I found much of the book to be humorous, while other parts were quite poignant. I'm not quite sure I understand the comments of the reviewers who question why Faulkner Fox did not do something to alleviate her angst...she did. She wrote!

During pregnancy, I read all the books you're "supposed" to -- but not even the famed "Girlfriends Guide" spoke as much truth as this book. Faulkner Fox is the first writer who made me feel that I wasn't crazy or misguided to despair over things like division-of-labor and sleep-as-commodity. Take breastfeeding, for example. I've nursed my son for nearly 10 months now. I was prepared for the natural beauty of nursing, the medical benefits of it, the inexpense and ease of it (no bottles to warm, no formula to buy). But no one mentioned the biggest thing (after all, it would be gauche to complain when a baby is such a tiny miracle, yes?): nursing necessarily results in a HUGELY skewed division of labor. My husband, like Fox's, is a wonderful man, an enlightened feminist -- but he can count on one hand the number of times he awoke at night those first months. Why should he, when I was the only one who could feed the child? Why should he be the one to stay home from work when I had to be here anyway, every three hours?

I wish I'd encountered Faulkner Fox's book earlier; she's honest about the good parts and the bad. Having a child IS life-changing, and to the reader below who mocked Fox for not realizing how life-changing it would be, shame on you. We're ALL figuring this thing out little by little, and sharing our stories can only help. Thanks to Faulkner Fox for being brave enough to do just that.

This author is an overeducated person who writes down all of her overwrought thoughts in the same rambling sequence, the same unedited chunks, just like real life, written down just the way she thinks them. For me, this was unsatisfying, almost insulting. I like writing to be edited, thoughts distilled. Don't waste the reader's time. Sure the thinking process itself can be interesting, but when it's interesting, it's because it's been abstracted and refined from real thinking.

She could have written the same content in 60% less words, and that would have made better, kinder reading.

The author is also hyper self conscious of her status as a white, heterosexual, happily married, white collar, intellectual elite, and this gets tiresome because there is no humor sarcasm or self mockery. I also found her ruminations on lesbians, single moms, "feminists" and unhappily married straight women to be patronizing, with her constant asides on how spoiled she must appear to these unfortunate unblessed women. I stopped wanting to read her self congratulatory rants many times.

That she felt more comfortable at McDonalds ("the people") than at Whole Foods (the Elite) was farcial without meaning to be. What self indulgence.

It's clear this person has never suffered a true tragedy or serious life experience, and that is why she takes every trivial experience so seriously as though it is worth much more than it is.

Maybe I was disappointed because my expectations were so high, because someone I respect recommended this book.

Although my children are now grown, I easily related to Fox's difficulties as a new mother. I still have vivid memories of how utterly bored I was when I had just one child and how overwhelmingly depleted I felt when three more followed in close succession. Although I wallowed in motherhood for the 13 years I stayed home with them, looking back now from the vantage point of working full-time, I don't know how I survived and remained sane (though some may argue with the latter).

The one part of Fox's turmoils I related to most viscerally was
about the competitiveness of mothers to be seen by others as perfect. Memories of me closely observing my children's playmates and their activities, clothes, toys, and books and then rushing to buy the same for mine, lest they fall behind or be permamently scarred somehow, still fill me with dread. Why was I so compulsive? I see some of that obsessiveness in those of my children who are now parents themselves and I am so tempted to to warn them; but I don't. They don't seem as bad as I was and they are working mothers, which apparently staves off a lot of the problems Fox faced.

Fox readily observed that she dearly missed the adult-level discussions she had with her non-mother friends but it wasn't until I returned to the workforce that I realized how child-centric all my mother-friends and I were. Before that, I was utterly blind to the drivel of our conversations. No wonder I can't recall much of presidential elections, the state of the economy, and congressional legislation during the seventies and most of the eighties. It wasn't, as I had always thought, that the state of the world during those decades wasn't so interesting; I simply was not inclined to be well-informed of anything not related to child-rearing.

Fox does not offer any solutions to the predicaments of mothers like us but simply acknowledging the problems and their sources renders the shadows of depression during early motherhood much more manageable. Fox also suggests that, as soon as possible and as much as possible, mothers of young children must re-establish themselves in the world outside constant parenthood -- not only for their own sanity but also for the benefit of their children who will then not always have to have a crazy mother.

I'm perplexed by the viciousness of some of the reviews for this book. This is a fine, well-written exploration of one woman's experience. What is so threatening about being truthful about that? Motherhood is not always easy or joyous; in fact, it's not "always" anything for any woman. Kudos to Faulkner Fox for her bravery in telling it like it is. I am sure many women will be reassured by her honesty.

Seems like people either love this book or hate it. Unfortunately I am in the latter category. This book was not what I'd expected or hoped. Although I could relate to the author's constant state of chaos as a mother, I could not relate to her incessant analysis of the world, chronic anxiety and unnecesary self-examination. I found it too sociological and political and not at all funny. It is the first book I have ever stopped reading & returned to the store.