Customer Reviews

Ditch That Jerk : Dealing With Men Who Control and Hurt Women

5 star:		(15)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I just picked this book up on vacation and I found it the most illuminating book I've ever read on dysfunctional relationships. It spells out hurtful, abusive behaviors and what they really mean. This book helped me see someone whose erratic behavior had confused and hurt me for years was running a classic pattern of tension, abuse, and making amends. Instead of feeling that the action didn't match the words, I saw clearly that he fit the mold of a control freak who sees relationships as win/lose or dominator/dominatee. While the book mostly applies to men, women can also be abusers who fit into these patterns. Every woman should read this book and every high school girl. It will save you wasted time and untold pain. It helps to differentiate between basically good men who will grow, bad men who may not change, and completely hopeless men who you need to leave in the dust.

"Ditch that Jerk " was extremely informative, straight forward and easy to read. It accurately depicts an abusive person's characteristics, behaviors, strategies, and actual statements that are used to intimidate and control others. I have passed it onto my husband so he can see that his tactics are documented and will eventually undermine any chance of having a harmonious relationship. "Ditch that Jerk" clearly explains that the abuser knows the difference between right and wrong and if they resist change, the cycle of abuse will continue. This book gives the victim important information to recognize the behavioral patterns and how to get help. I found it to be an excellent book for women that find themselves in a domestic violence situation.

An invaluable manual for how to get out of an abusive relationship and how to break the ties afterwards. I also recommend it for women who are looking for a serious relationship and for young teens. There are definite red flags to look for BEFORE you become involved with someone.

Ditch That Jerk: Dealing With Men Who Control And Hurt Women is specifically written for women in miserable, dangerous, unfulfilled, abusive, stifling, debasing relationships with a husband or boyfriend. A seasoned and experienced expert in the complex field of domestic violence, author Pamela Jayne writes in a direct, honest, candid, informative, inspiring style while drawing upon several real-life examples to aptly demonstrate how the mind of an abusive man works, and how to confidently recognize men as either potentially good, definitely bad, or utterly hopeless. Pamela Jayne's Ditch That Jerk is a very highly recommended addition to contemporary women's issues, dysfunctional relationships, self-help recovery, and self-esteem restoration reading lists.

I chose to read this book because I am an advocate for children and teen victims of domestic violence and dating violence. I found Pamela's book to be very insightful. I found the case studies very interesting and appreciated her very simple and easy to read writing style. Working with teens, I am constantly looking for pertinent info and sometimes have difficulty finding information that they would be able to understand. I would recommend this book to any teenage victim as well as to the friends and families of victims of domestic/dating violence. Pamela Jayne, in addition to addressing the issue of why a person chooses to abuse, also identifies how a victim gets sucked into this cycle of violence and discusses why they might choose to stay.

As the author of the book and a parent of teens, I can confidently tell you that teens DO read the book and benefit from it. Several teens (one boy and one girl) ended relationships which they discovered to be controlling after reading parts of it. Therapists who work with teens at my agency use it all of the time and cannot keep the book in stock.
I would advise directing them to certain sections...particularly examples of warning signs as those sections resonate. I hope that this helps.

The book tended to ramble on a bit, but overall, I found it very informative and helpful. The title is this books biggest flaw. The book itself has the potential to help women to tell the difference between a good man who does bad things but can be helped, and a really bad man she should stay away from. Unfortunately, when I tried to get my daughter to read this book, she was offended by the title. Even after I explained the intent of the book, she still refused to take it. She was afraid if her boyfriend saw the book, he would think she was trying to get rid of him and it would cause trouble in their home.

I dated a possessive, controlling man for nearly two and a half years before I realized what was really going on. He called me several times a day and always commented on my appearance. I though that he was being thoughtful and attentive, but he was really checking up on me and criticizing my clothes and hair! After reading just a few chapters of this book, I realized what was really happening and was able to leave that dead-end relationship. Now I am pursuing my education and I feel much better about myself. Thanks alot Ms. Jayne.

As a domestic violence counselor, I have truly enjoyed reading Pamela's book. Pamela writes as she talks, very down-to-earth. I appreciate her sense of humor and factual information. Pamela writes considerably well about true facts concerning relationships. Many people do not recognize what abuse truly entails. Societal messages often play a part in what a man is suppose to be and what roles a woman should provide. As a result, these messages often create confusion. If we can teach children at a very young age that equality and respect are two major ingredients to a healthy relationship of any kind, then perhaps our society will develop a new concept of men and women. Adults must be positive role models to children; we must teach children respect and equality. If anyone reads Pamela's book, one will see this is the key to developing respectful relationships in our society.

This book was recommended by a student in one of my self-defense classes. She had left her abusive husband about a year earlier, and since then has been reading everything she could get her hands on about domestic violence. Not only does she strongly recommend this book, she's bought multiple copies and given them to friends who she thinks need to read it.

Really, everybody should read this book. Consider this: over 25% of all women have been, are, or will be involved with an abusive partner sometime in their lives. Even if that person is not you, it was, is, or will be someone you know. I often ask students if they've know anyone who's experienced abuse. Most of the time most students raise their hands. Sometimes only half the class raises their hands. Sometimes everyone raises their hands. Even in classes for teen girls, most of them already have a friend who's experienced dating violence.

Pamela Jayne clearly depicts what abuse is, and how it is distinguished from other normal human behaviors that may be immature, petty, selfish, stubborn, or disagreeable. She points out the early warning signs, or "red flags," of abuse. She goes into great detail, with lots of real examples, of the various ploys and manipulations used by abusive men to justify, deny, or blame someone else for what they've done. And she is clear that in order for an abuser to change, they need to take full responsibility for their behavior and really want to change.

Jayne divides the world of abusive men into three camps: the potentially good, the bad, and the hopeless. While they do have a lot in common, there are several important differences that predict whether or not any given abuser may change his abusive ways. This is an important part of the book, since so many women stay with their abuser because they believe they can change him, or if only they were better girlfriends or wives he wouldn't be abusive, or even that it's their obligation to stay and not abandon him. Jayne is clear that change is very hard, the abuser has to be willing to put in a lot of work and face some very unpleasant facets of his approach to life, and that not many will change. All the willpower and good intentions and love of the wife or girlfriend won't make someone else change.

The potentially good man (who is less likely to use physical violence and usually does not have an alcohol/drug problem) may change if he realizes the emotional costs of his behavior and its impact on people he cares about, and takes responsibility for his own actions. However, those men who seem to constantly swim in chaos, who have trouble holding a job, who have substance abuse issues, and who believe they are life's victims are unlikely to change. And those who totally lack empathy, who use violence freely, chronically lie whenever it's in his interest, and is routinely manipulative, are deemed hopeless. (Other authors, such as Martha Stout, have labeled those who fit this "hopeless" category as sociopaths.)

Ditch That Jerk is well written and easily comprehended. It is a fairly short book, and can be read thoroughly in a weekend (or several weeknights). It's very suitable for young women, including those in their late teens, who may be less certain what abuse is or what their rights in a relationship are. I highly recommend this book, whether you believe you need it or not.