Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted [Paperback]

Beverly Engel M.F.C.C. (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 14, 1991

Do you come away from contact with your parent with unbearable feelings of rage, low self-esteem and depression?

Is your parent hypercritical, manipulative, and/or controlling?

Do you feel unsafe when you are with your parent because of verbal abuse, negligence, or inappropriate behavior?

No matter how much you do for your parent, is it never enough?

No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens his or her well-being -- even if that relationship is with a parent. In this ground-breaking book, Beverly Engel draws on her own personal experience, as well as the stories and letters of other adult children, to offer a complete guide to why, when and how to divorce a parent. Engel discusses good and bad reasons for taking this step, when to stop trying to reconcile, and how to prepare yourself emotionally for the actual divorce, including such alternatives as temporary separation. If you do decide that parental divorce; how to handle negative pressure from others; how to come to terms with your own grief and guilt; what to tell your own children, and how to deal with their relationships with their grandparents; how to cope with holidays; how to divorce a parent after his or her death; and what to do if you change your mind and want to reconcile.

Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

Do you come away from contact with your parent with unbearable feelings of rage, low self-esteem and depression?

Is your parent hypercritical, manipulative, and/or controlling?

Do you feel unsafe when you are with your parent because of verbal abuse, negligence, or inappropriate behavior?

No matter how much you do for your parent, is it never enough?

No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens his or her well-being -- even if that relationship is with a parent. In this ground-breaking book, Beverly Engel draws on her own personal experience, as well as the stories and letters of other adult children, to offer a complete guide to why, when and how to divorce a parent. Engel discusses good and bad reasons for taking this step, when to stop trying to reconcile, and how to prepare yourself emotionally for the actual divorce, including such alternatives as temporary separation. If you do decide that parental divorce; how to handle negative pressure from others; how to come to terms with your own grief and guilt; what to tell your own children, and how to deal with their relationships with their grandparents; how to cope with holidays; how to divorce a parent after his or her death; and what to do if you change your mind and want to reconcile.

About the Author

Beverly Engel is a nationally recognized psychotherapist and sex therapist and with twenty years experience, as well as a bestselling author. She is the author of The Right to Innocence, The Emotionally Abused Woman, Partners in Recovery, Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, Families in Recovery, and Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem. She has shared her expertise on Oprah!, Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Ricki Lake. She is the founder of the Center for Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse (CASSA) in Redondo Beach, California. Beverly now lives in Cambria, California.

Product Details

• Paperback: 208 pages
• Publisher: Ballantine Books (May 14, 1991)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 044990590X
• ISBN-13: 978-0449905906
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.6 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #405,405 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

67 of 68 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Help for the hardest decision you may ever have to make., December 16, 2004

By 

Sister Renee Pittelli "Author of Breaking the... (Gloryland, USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted (Paperback)

"Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned"....Titus 3:10-11.

I have recommended this book several times in the course of my ministry work with adult children of abusive or controlling birth-families. The decision to divorce a parent is never easy and is never made hastily. It is usually a matter of mental, emotional, and often physical survival after the adult child has spent many years trying every other alternative to make the relationship work.

Painful though it is, there are birth-family relationships that are so destructive that the only thing you can do is get out. Only then can you begin your healing and recovery and eventually lead a peaceful and joyful life.

This book presents practical and sympathetic advice from someone who has been down that road- the author herself, who besides being a therapist, found it necessary to divorce her own abusive mother.

Besides its content, this book is interesting in a very unique way. After the author divorced her mother, she wrote this book. Her mother bought it and read it, apologized to the author and made an effort to change her destructive behavior, and they have now reconciled. The author then wrote a follow-up book called The Power of Apology.

Beverly Engel is a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the fields of relationships, women's issues, and abuse. She is the author of 14 books, and has been on Oprah, Ricki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael, and other national talk shows. She found it necessary to divorce her mother, not because of past childhood abuse, but because of the CONTINUAL ABUSE SHE SUFFERED AS AN ADULT. No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens her well-being, even if that relationship is with a parent.

Divorcing A Parent explains the right and wrong reasons for divorce. Some of the right reasons are: to break the cycle of abuse, when it's either you or them, when your parent is hypercritical, controlling, or manipulative, and when your parent continues to abuse you or continues to deny the truth.

We are taught how to confront our parent and what to expect, including our parent divorcing us when we stand up for ourselves. We learn that abusive people don't mellow with age, they usually just get worse.

The book teaches you how to prepare for the divorce, how to separate emotionally, and takes you through the process of letting go, mourning the loss of your parent, and completing the grieving process. We learn how to deal with pressure and criticism from our siblings and other relatives who want us to continue accepting the abuse.

There are also suggestions to the divorced parent, to mates, friends, and loved ones, and to therapists.

I believe that Divorcing A Parent is a must-read for adult children who need to free themselves from an abusive relationship with a parent.

"They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked"...Psalm 129:2-4

43 of 43 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A life line, August 24, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted (Paperback)

This book is a life line for people who continue to be damaged by parental abuse as adults. It is one thing to forgive the distant past of our childhoods, but quite another to put up with abuse as an adult. God bless Beverly Engel for sharing her insights and encouragement. I wish she (or someone) would write another book for people who have NOT been abused explaining why it is inappropriate and sometimes cruel to pressure others, like coworkers or complete strangers, to express love and devotion to their parents no matter what. Would it really cost anyone anything to mind their own business or give another the benefit of the doubt about their most personal choices?

41 of 41 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars this book changed my life, March 9, 1998

By 

[e-mail] (dalton, ga.) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted (Paperback)

when i was given this book by my therapist i was at a crossroads in my life that meant i was going to lose my life over some crazy people who gave birth to me and raised me or i had to fight for my life in order to raise my daughters without the same sickness i was raised with. this book gave me the courage to stand up for myself and make a break from the two people who were supposed to love me. i saw by what the author was saying that we are not all blessed with parents who have the best intentions. i was able to send them letters that broke any ties with them . it has been seven years since i have seen or spoken to them and i still battle old ghosts but i at least have the support of this book to remind myself i made the right decision by choosing my life over the people who will never change in order to have a fairly decent relationship with me.