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Do Unto Others: 1000 Hilarious Ways to Screw with People's Heads Paperback – July 7, 2000


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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg are the esteemed authors of Would You Rather... and Would You Rather 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Do Unto Others
27
Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall
"Welcome to Circuit City, where service is state of the art."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
A trip to the mall can be an unbearable experience. Long lines, over-friendly sales clerks, and hordes of whining children can take their toll. But malls don't have to be so grueling. There are plenty of ways to entertain yourself in these temples of consumption.
1. Go to Supercuts, ask them to "take a little off the stomach."
2. At Blockbuster, replace the movies in "staff recommendations" with low-budget drive-in movies and hardcore pornography like Hot Resort, Sizzle Beach USA, and Ebony Humpers 6.
3. Start scuffle in Foot Locker, try to get salesman to give you a technical.
4. At Barnes and Noble, hang out in self-help section, hit on vulnerable women.
5. Try to grate cheese using an escalator.
6. When department-store employees spray you with perfume/cologne sample, scream "I'm melting ... . I'm melting ... . So much pain ... Death is welcome ..."; crumple to ground.
7. At Abercrombie & Fitch, badger other customers with lengthy explanations as to why Abercrombie is far superior to Fitch; distribute propaganda.
8. Go to Kmart, buy absurd combinations of things that arouse cashier's imagination. Examples: a) a calculator, some glue, and a jar of olives b) a hamster, a fork, and some paprika c) pack of thumbtacks, a menorah, and a bottle of vodka.
9. Offer to pay for things in a) pennies b) acorns c) "tales of adventure."
10. Set up book-signing table, claim you are Art Buchwald. If you choose, write delusional and threatening notes in book copies, e.g. "The infidels shall be quashed," "Cower to my genius," and "I shall shower nougat upon your first born."
11. Stroll through toy store with electronic "Simon" in pants, watch customers' confusion.
12. Go to TGI Friday's, order a table for two. Insist that Steve Guttenberg will be joining you; feign heartbreak when he doesn't show up.
13. Ask news shop if they have the latest edition of Inhaler Aficionado.
14. Try on biker shorts that are too small for you. Stand in front of mirror scrutinizing fit, often eliciting sales clerk's opinion.
15. Teach pet-store parrots to say, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."
16. Set up soap box in arcade, preach and rant about "Pinfla-tion--the unnecessary increase in pinball scores"; blame Germans.
17. Go into Victoria's Secret, hand clerk sexy lingerie, tell her, "You look about my girlfriend's size. Could you try this on?"
18. Do the same thing, but say, "You look about my mom's size."
19. Do the same thing, but say "You look about Jack Sikma's size."
20. Go to piercing shop, ask them to pierce your pancreas.
21. At Barnes and Noble, fake like you're speed-reading Dostoyevsky at an absurd rate. Nod and chuckle occasionally.
22. Do the same, but pretend that you can comprehend the words simply by sniffing them.
23. Walk up to someone and "recognize" them as Carrie Fisher. Insist on getting an autograph.
24. Try to make mall cops laugh, as though they were members of England's Royal Guard.
25. Try to make them cry.
26. Open all jars of tennis balls, inhale fumes, tell people in a giggly slur that "Sport's Authority is so much better if you're stoned."
27. Take large, cumbersome, awkwardly shaped objects to department stores to be gift-wrapped. (Examples: stack of firewood, an inflated blow-up doll, a live mallard.)
DO UNTO OTHERS. Copyright © 2000 by Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 144 pages
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin; 1st edition (July 7, 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0312252919
  • ISBN-13: 978-0312252915
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.4 x 5.5 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 2.4 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (21 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,192,806 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

27 of 30 people found the following review helpful By Claude Call on July 28, 2007
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
From the other reviews I pretty much expected a bunch of things that you could literally carry out with a little planning, kind of like Penn & Teller's book Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends. As near as I can figure, those reviews were written by the authors' entire circle of friends.

What you get instead is a barely-sorted list of surrealist nonsense that tries way, WAY too hard to be funny and fails nearly every time. I have to confess that I smiled at a couple of the entries, but this is not the laugh-out-loud book that I thought it would be.
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful By L. Sanchez on December 10, 2006
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This is a pretty small unassuming book-shaped-object (about the size of a cd case and only about 100 pages long) but it certainly packs a wallop.

It's basically a collection of lists of asinine things you can do to make certain situations a tab bit more interesting for you and loads more uncomfortable for others.

Very funny. Even if you decided you don't want to be exiled from polite society and thereby refrain from doing any suggested activity in the book, it's lots of fun to *imagine* yourself doing them.
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11 of 14 people found the following review helpful By D. Hadley on April 2, 2005
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Nonsense, though usually an annoyance, has proven itself to be quite useful. Nonsense breaks the monotony and stale routine of day to day life. It makes things interesting. It's only an annoyance when you are on the receiving end. When delivering, nonsense is a powerful tool for humor, manipulation, and self-entertainment. And that's where this book finds its place in the world.

Everyday (and not-so-everyday) situations can be turned into memorble events with a little help from this book. Learn the most innapropriate yet humorous gobbledygook to spout when things take a turn into Dullsville. For example- Things to Do to Annoy Alex Trebek if You're on Jeopardy: 1.)Phrase answers in unconventional question forms: "Is it..."; "Would it happen to be..."; "Do you suppose maybe it is..."; "What in the Sam Hill is..." 3.) Call Alex "Wink." 6.) Answer, "What is a pompous Canadian who over-articulates?"

An excellent springboard for wacky ideas, this book should leave you with a general appreciation for amphigory and knowledge of how to apply it into your life.
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6 of 8 people found the following review helpful By Greg Brown on June 21, 2000
Format: Paperback
This book is a great way to keep the people around you wondering whats going on in your head, for the rest of the day. Inside are great ways to keep your roommate, boss, co-workers, and even people you don't know, wondering/worrying about you for the rest of the day. Mabye even longer than that. For example: Cook only one meal in the presence of your roommate: Lime in a toaster. Ask people at the gym for a good forehead exercise. These are just a few of the many great ways the screw with peoples heads that you will find in this book. It is deffinitly worth the money and timeto read it.
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12 of 17 people found the following review helpful By Daniel Binstock on August 21, 2000
Format: Paperback
This is really funny. I was reading it lying down and realized how hard I was laughing when I unintentionally coughed up some bile. Keep up the great stuff!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By J. Penar on January 5, 2009
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My husband and I both really enjoyed the excerpts we read, and the wide range of subjects and scenarios given. My 24 year old brother who received it as a gift couldn't stop reading it at present time this Christmas. It won't change your life, but it will help you laugh at it.
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By NY Blogger on November 16, 2013
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It's a stupid book. Period. There's not much more I can say. It's a waste of paper and ink. Sick.
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Format: Paperback
If you view the world from an absurdist point of view, if you have the same references in your life as in this book, if you love to laugh, then you will not be disappointed by this purchase. This is the funniest book I have ever read. Almost every page is a killer. Brilliant.
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