Customer Reviews

I Do but I Don’t: Walking Down the Aisle without Losing Your Mind

5 star:		(20)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I was sucked into this book by the modest cover, and title, and a quick skim of the first chapters....which indicated this was going to be a book about a feminist new age bride, who quickly realizes the whole Bridal Industrial Complex about to suck money from her and her family, and who responds by having a simple, down-to-earth, meaningful wedding.

Well, that's not THIS book.

Ms.Wicoff is a spoiled, pretentious Texas debutante who claim to being "a feminist' are laughable. All she and her homemaker mom can think about is her upcoming wedding, and how to make it largest and fussiest and most expensive one on earth. In fairness, Kami was apparently harassed continually by her mom from her mid-twenties on to get her rich, investment banker boyfriend to propose....to the point that she has to throw hissy fits and public tantrums until Mr. Perfect coughs up the Perfect 2 Carat Emerald Cut Platinum ring (I don't think I give anything away here, because she mentions it constantly....how big it is, how other women envy it, how she can barely stand to wear it, etc.)

The first couple chapters I thought had some real interest going, because it appeared that Ms. Wicoff was actively questioning her own desperation at wanting a 'real proposal" (i.e., from the man, down on one knee, etc.) and her complete inability to simply ask herself if he wanted to marry her. But she never goes beyond simply describing her extreme angst about getting 'asked' (desperate at the tender age of 27!), and her laughable "research" consists of her asking her girlfriends what they think (they are all desperate to be asked too, with the desperation increasing with age). This pretty much made me want to hid my head in shame and desolation that THIS is what has become of the dream of feminism and women's independence -- that baby boomer feminists have given birth to a generation of women who have every access to work and education and big dreams and yet they are more desperate and marriage obsessed that the corniest 50s housewife.

Interestingly, Ms. Wicoff appears never to have held a job (she's in graduate school at the time of her nuptials), and doesn't even briefly mention a career interest except she'd like to do 'freelance writing', something she expects will be subsidized by her new husband's investmant banking career, along with the maids and nannies she also mentions that she expects. (He's really, really wealthy -- did I mention that? because Kamy Wicoff does on nearly every page.) Furthermore, her bio on the book jacket describes her only as 'a contributor to [...].com", although Salon's archive contains no listings at all for her.

Other reviewers have done a good job of describing the rest of the book -- Ms. Wicoff's alternatingly hip, post-modern, ironic contempt for rings and fancy dresses, only to find that she goes and does every single solitary thing she criticizes as overly expensive or ridiculous, right down to a wildly overpriced Vera Wang original dress. Her "wedding for 200" is a premium affair, with every person man-hauled across country to attend luxurious event on a remote ranch in the Colorado mountains, just the logistics of which are coma-inducing, and the cost almost incalculable. This is the stuff of celebrity wedding, although I am not aware of Ms. Wicoff being any sort of celebrity -- she's just a rich girl who has snagged a very rich boy.

This whole, deeply offensive thing has the over all effect you get when you visit some self-aborbed, newly-married couple whose whole home is dotted with pictures and platters and keepsakes from the wedding, and then they force you to set through their wedding videos and look at their photo albums! Fascinating for them, hideously boring for you. And in the end, you are left with a nagging feeling that they just want to show off, "see what I have that you cannot possibly afford'.

I remember my grandmother, who used to say (usually after seeing some ridiculous movie star wedding covered on TV) that the lavishness of a wedding is in direct inverse correlation to the liklihood that the marriage itself will succeed long-term. And she was a very wise woman. A marriage is a lifetime of hardwork and compromise and not being the center of attention -- a WEDDING is a party that lasts one day. Anyone who makes it the pinnacle of their life, fritters away their parent's retirement money on it, brags and shows off to total strangers, and still can't get over her Emerald Cut Ring or her Vera Wang dress SIX YEARS after the event, and is still writing about it (and not, apparently, writing or working at any other endeavour) needs to get a life! and soon!

In conclusion: as a boomer generation feminist, this makes my skin crawl in shame, for both Kami and especially her mother.

Don't buy this book if you are planning to get married and are in need of a resource on "how to walk down the aisle without losing your mind" as the book states. Really it is just a re-cap of the authors 200 person wedding, with her wealthy husband, her vera wang gown and her picture perfect family. She points out many interesting anti feminist points that are involved with a wedding but instead of breaking the mold and doing anything different she does it all to the max. The book is basically critical of all of these things (like the vera wang etc) but then she continuously mentions how wonderful everything turned out at her wedding. It was fairly well written but really it is just a story nothing helpful here if thats what your looking for

First, I have to give this author a certain amount of credit. The book is well written and researched. But, it is essentially a memoir of a rich, spoiled girl who confused her own wedding with a presidential inauguration.

For those of us who could not afford Vera Wang gowns or $10,000 engagement rigs, this author's story is pure yuppie angst. Most readers would kill to have the resources to deal with her "stresses" and "problems." The rest of us have to deal with the real world, which does not cater to our every whim.

I've been married for almost twelve years, but I found this book just as absorbing as if I were still planning for the big day. It's full of insights into the craziness, excess, and fun of weddings, and also the ambivalence of the feelings that the author and I too, certainly, experienced. The ring--the white dress--the number of guests--all these decisions are fraught with emotion and symbolism. It was fascinating to read a systematic examination at these familiar elements, and learn about the wedding industry, and even more, about other women's experiences.

Kamy, a first-time author, is a strong feminist and this book is about what happens when a strong feminist daughter of a baby boomer runs headlong smack into The Wedding Industrial Complex.

This book is classified as a memoir but what it really is is Kamy's experience (detailed in a brutally honest fashion) plus that of a number of her feminist friends (near her age), plus she did a survey of around 80 women ages 24-44 (married, divorced, never-married, etc.). Further, it's quite a scholarly book because she liberally quotes from relevant authors (ranging from Mary Pipher of Reviving Ophelia fame to Betty Friedan of the Feminine Mystique.)

This book operates both on the level of memoir and social commentary. I highly recommend this book for couples about to become engaged, couples already in the throes of wedding planning, and the people who love them and, after all, only want the best for them. It's a conversation-starter and that's a solid recommendation for any book!

I bought this book after seeing the great reviews on Amazon and read it on a two-week vacation. It took me half that time to get through it, and still felt like a way-too-long movie where you become disillusioned with the main character. She had the wedding "every girl" wants (the 2-carat ring, the $$$ Vera Wang dress, etc.) -- at least half of each chapter is devoted to the fact -- but then she claims she would change the details. I couldn't finish the book fast enough, only because it was so incredulous. Some of her insights were amusing and informative, however. Don't buy. Check it out at the library so you can return it. I'm selling mine.

An article in the Chicago Sun-Times exclaimed how couples remain in debt for years and years after their marriage and recommended this book for further thoughts. My fiance actually gave me the article and wrote a little note 'get this for me'. I thought it was kind of strange that he wanted a bride book, but he loved it. So, naturally, I had to purchase it. Not only did my wedding cost $12,000 less than what I had originally anticipated, but people are STILL talking about how much fun they had. I recommend this book to anyone that has ever thought about doing something 'different' with their wedding or wondered where to cut corners. The author speaks of her wedding and what she did wrong - then went out and interviewed other brides-to-be as well as newlyweds and figured out where they went wrong and how they could have saved money. I loved it.

Funny, erudite, scholarly and entertaining, this is a must-read for brides-to-be or those who want to understand why we do the things we do when it comes to getting married. I walked down the aisle over 10 years ago, and I did lose my mind. Reading this book convinced me it doesn't have to be that way -- that every moment that a couple in a committed relationship moves towards marriage can be meaningful, enjoyable and filled with love, instead of the angst the typical American engagement & wedding usually produces in bride, groom, family and friends. Brides-to-be: read this book and keep yourself from going nuts. Already-marrieds: read this book and come to terms with what you experienced.

I loved this book!! I'm engaged (with a decidedly smaller than 2 caret ring), yet I could relate to so many of the stories being told by this wonderful author. My fiancé was a little scared of the title, but the more I read to him, he started laughing out loud with me at the wonderful new perspective that Kamy brought to the journey from dating to getting married. I bought this book for a Professor/Engaged friend and her reaction was exactly the same: getting married does enter you into a very different reality and this book makes the trip a little easier and leaves you with some very good questions (and answers) about being a modern bride with antiquated expectations and keeping your sense of humor throughout. I would highly recommend this book to anyone getting married or planning on getting married.

My friend gave me this book as an engagement present and I am so glad she did! Kamy writes very sincerely and honestly about how easily it is to be sucked into the wedding frenzy. She uses her personal experience to invite readers to examine the wedding traditions that have lost their meanings and sometimes even go against our values as modern women. My wedding will be much more meaningful and personal because I've had the chance to read this book. Highly recommended!