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Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart

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We live at a time when relationships are increasingly marked by the awful dictum of meet up, hook up, shack up, and break up. This describes too many relationships, too many hardened hearts and too many ruined lives. But as John Ensor says and as observation bears out, this pattern "bankrupts the rich treasure trove of love itself." It does not work and it is time for young people to revolt against the times.

The antidote to the times is to rediscover the biblical formula for manhood and womanhood, to turn back to the Creator and to his manual to discover how He desires we live as men and women. In Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart Ensor does just this, sharing what he has learned about biblical manhood and womanhood. The book's objective is "to provide a winsomely radical alternative to the prevailing ideas, almost absolute doctrines, that guide our current thinking about manhood and womanhood and define our actions and expectations when pursuing matters of the heart." The book's purpose (and I'm not sure how a purpose differs from an objective) "is to provide you stone with which you can fashion a strong, enduring, and satisfying plan for doing things right in this most tender and precious matter of the heart."

In the first part, "Matters of the Heart," Ensor defines biblical masculinity and femininity as they are presented to us in the Bible. He gets to the heart of manhood and womanhood asking what it means to be a man or a woman and what is distinctive about being one and not the other. He asks how men and women complement each other and fit together. Having answered these questions, he turns to "Doing Things Right," showing the way the Bible outlines how men are to live as men and women are to live as women. He shows how men and women are to relate to each other and are to interact with each other on the basis of their equality and symmetry but also on the basis of their differences.

The chapter titles tell the story.

* He Initiaties...She Responds"
* He Leads...She Guides
* He Works...She Waits
* He Protects...She Welcomes Protection
* He Abstains to Protect...She, to Test
* His Unmet Desire Drives Him toward Marriage...Hers Is Rewarded with Marriage
* He Displays Integrity...She, Inner Beauty
* He Loves by Sacrificing...She, by Submitting
* He Seeks His Happiness in Hers...She Seeks Hers in His
* His Is the Primary Provider for the Family...She, the Primary Nurturer

The book is written from a personal perspective and in such a way that he encourages the reader to benefit from his learning curve. While he leans on the Bible as his authority, what he teaches is often punctuated by words like, "What follows is what I honest think is the right thing to do..." and "I take this to mean..." He gives examples from his life, allowing the reader to learn and to laugh with him.

The sum is this: God has given us each gifts but, with our own reasoning and assumptions we've wasted them by doing things in the way we thought was best. This book is a call to go back to using those gifts, to go back to the guide that teaches us how to use those gifts, that we might do things right and do them in the way God intends.

In this book (and this quote is the blurb I provided for the book's cover) "John Ensor provides a radically biblical alternative to the supposed wisdom of our age. Though sometimes raw, frank, and frustrated, Ensor is always sanctified and often poetic. He celebrates differences, bringing into clear focus the oft-disputed fact that God created men and women to be equal and symmetrical but not identical. For all who are weary of our culture's assault on biblical manhood and womanhood, this book is a refreshing reminder of the Bible's simple wisdom governing love, relationships, marriage, and matters of the heart."

This is a good and important little book that serves as a strong introduction for teens and young adults to the Bible's teaching on manhood and womanhood. What is taught here can largely be found elsewhere but not in so accessible and so practical a form. It has the paternal feel of an older, wiser man writing a concerned letter to those who are younger and in need of counsel. Ensor's advice is good and those who heed it will be pleased that he wrote this book and that they took the time to read it. I recommend this book to teens, to young adults, to parents and to anyone who is concerned with doing things right in matters of the heart.

John Ensor really knows what he's talking about. He's practical and down-to-earth, and he's actually one of the first authors who convinced me that Biblical submission doesn't have to be a frightening prospect. I highly recommend this book.

I have read many, many books on the subject of courtship/relationships from a Christian perspective...I've read a lot of books about marriage and the biblical way of carrying out a marriage relationship...I have been to courship/relationship and marriage retreats and seminars...this is by far the BEST book I've read on the subject! Ladies and gentlemen, if you truly want to do things right in matters of the heart, please, please read this book and pass it on to others. God bless you John Ensor for bringing these truths to light!

In a day where so many relationships end up destroying the heart, John Ensor, a key figure in establishing pregnancy help centers across the U.S. and around the world, invites newly-weds, singles, and those engaged to a counter-cultural way of doing relationships by being a man and being a woman. The book is divided into two parts: Matters of the Heart (where he defines manhood & womanhood and discusses what the heart desires, needs, and lacks) and Doing Things Right (where he discusses the God-given gender-unique gifts for males and females).

Laced with classics from Shakespeare to Donne, brimming with personal stories from his marriage and his work in pregnancy help centers, and pointing to examples in culture, John Ensor weaves these together masterfully with Scripture, creating a compelling book on biblical masculinity and biblical femininity.

Whether single, engaged or married, this is a great and easy read that will encourage you to do things right in matters of the heart. Highly recommended for those who are engaged.

Traditional gender roles are a touchy subject. It's not surprising either when, in my experience, many of the people who profess these values appear to end up in a borderline misogynistic relationship. It often seems like something gets off track and the man ends up in a subtle dictatorship. It is these observations that have always made me a little uneasy when I hear people stress biblical roles for men and women. John Ensor showed me in his book that there is such a thing as true masculinity and true femininity that will ultimately lead to the strongest, most fulfilling relationship possible. Words like "leadership" and "submission" suddenly aren't so frightening or undesirable when put in their proper context.

The ultimate example for marriage, as Ensor points out, is found in Jesus Christ. He loves the Church, his bride. He gave himself, to the point of death, so that he could be with her. He leads her deeper and deeper into the pleasures of God and the freedom found only in him. She, the Church, recognizes this and submits to his love and guidance. She adores him with a serving heart. She finds her own pleasure in him and him alone, as he does the same in her.

The man who embraces his calling to be the leader will never demand or command. His leadership will put the desires of his bride above his own. He will follow Christ's example and lead as a servant to her. The book clearly shows that this is true masculinity, a man willing to lay down everything for the one he loves. A submissive woman isn't one who has given up her freedom or in need of micro-management from her husband. Instead, she recognizes his love for her and wants to submit to and receive that love. She finds that true freedom is embracing her innate and beautiful femininity.

John Ensor writes with a familial style that makes it both easy to read and engaging. He includes plenty of personal experience and examples that go a long ways in driving his points home. He deals with some of the abstract ideas concerning love and marriage, but also tempers it with very practical advice. As God is love, and so must our relationships be wrought in love, may Paul's words sum up the author's intention for this book:

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

So many spend their dating lives going through a tiresome routine that leaves them both emotionally and spiritually drained. "Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart" is a Christian influenced guide for dating, written especially for those in turmoil over the matter. With advice for both men and women trying to find the one person with whom can they settle down and have a long, healthy relationship, "Doing Things Right in the Matters of the Heart" is highly recommended for Christian singles everywhere.

I just finished this book a few minutes ago and found it to be the most important book on marriage I have ever read, and I've read a few. I have been happily married for 26 years, having learned by the seat of my pants much of what this book teaches. But I also learned new things and had old lessons burned more deeply into my heart and mind by this book. I wish I had read it before getting married, because I might have avoided much pain if I had possessed its teachings and applied them then. This book is not only for married couples but invaluable for single people in preparing them for marriage and for finding and evaluating potential spouses.

One thing I learned from this book is that, aside from the godly blessings obtained from premarital chastity, it also serves the man to develop the self-discipline in him that is indispensible to a happy marriage, and it serves the woman to demonstrate to her whether the man courting her before marriage has the willingness and capacity to discipline and bridle his desires, appetites, and passions within marriage. Modern and post-modern society would say that a courting couple should test their sexual compatibility before marriage. But what they, primarily she, actually need is to demonstrate, primarily his, sexual discipline before marriage. Sexual "incompatibility" in marriage can be overcome with sexual discipline and sacrifice, but sexual undiscipline is a plague on marriage that is overcome only with great pain and heartbreak to both spouses. Happy marriage requires that desires, appetites and passions of all kinds be bridled and disciplined. By "testing" their sexual compatibility before marriage, however, couples actually make it impossible to know whether each has the character, ability, discipline, and desires that create sexual compatibility and a happy marriage.

I wish I could recommend this book with ten stars, but being limited by five I so rate it. Thank you, John Ensor

I highly recommend this book. John Ensor writes biblically, creatively, and concisely here on the subject of romantic relationships and marriage. The book is easy to read, engaging, and winsome - I would especially recommend it to Christians encountering a biblically-based view of relationships for the first time. I just lent this book to a girl at my university, and am hoping she will be captured by the glorious vision of Christ-centered relationships. John Ensor writes joyfully and with a sense of humor - a reminder to the reader that God is indeed good, and that a "healthy, tender, passionate, enduring, mutually fulfilling life with one good man or woman" is truly possible.

From page 16:
"I was in awe. Here was a woman simply enjoying the love of a good man and saying it as if it were as normal as iced tea in August. It sounded radical - winsomely radical. Her delight in him and in their marriage was a stark reminder to me that no matter how many cynics speak of the war between the sexes, no matter how many times we hear that half of all marriages end in divorce, no matter how many diatribes are written by angry feminists, and no matter how many beer commercials present men and women at their worst stereotypical selves, there are examples of mature manhood and womanhood all around us."

Amen. Read this book and share it with your friends!

I like John Ensor. Inner-city pastor, pregnancy resource center director, counselor, practical theologian.

This little book summarizes God's model for finding and maintaining a "healthy, tender, passionate, enduring, mutually fulfilling life with one good man or woman," and also takes a club to many ubiquitous, senseless cultural idols.

If you are not married yet, just married or married for 23 years, like myself, you would benefit from Mr. Ensor's clear explanation and application in the roles of Christ and his bride (the church)and the husband and his wife..........sacrifice and submission.
Throughout the book I was convicted of my lack of womanhood in the times I don't let my husband lead either by squashing him with my own passiveness or in my desire for control.
I am incredibly thankful that I am married to a Godly man who takes his role to lead through sacrifice seriously.