Don't Be So Defensive : Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication [Hardcover]

Sharon Ellison (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 1, 1998

For centuries, verbal communication has been based on a "war model," with the same rules we use in physical combat--gain power over others and defend ourselves at all costs. We create needless conflict, and are drawn into power struggles even when we try to avoid them. Don't Be So Defensive! describes the defensive model that unwittingly squelches effective communication. Then it "takes the war out of our words" by offering an alternative, powerful non-defensive communication, that disarms our instincts for reacting defensively when we talk to others, thus improving our relationships with family, friends and co-workers.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Great career books, favorite choices for this year: Ellison's work does not focus on career development per se but rather on communication skills. I think she supports people in learning and practicing communication skills that are both effective and increase mutual respect. She raises the negotiation playing field above the gritty fear and defensiveness of street fights and turf wars. -- San Jose Mercury News

WAR OF THE WORDS: The premise is powerful: Human communication has been "shaped by our focus on defensive self-protection and power struggle. Because we use them (words) as weapons instead of constructive tools, we often communicate in a way that increases conflict instead of resolving it." A therapist turned communications seminarian, Ms. Ellison explains how disarming your questions and making direct statements can guide exchanges toward neutral ground. Control-oriented readers will have a hard time with this, but Ms. Ellison says what's gained through transparency more than compensates for surrendered power [struggle]. Her ideas are striking. -- Dallas Morning News

With remarkable clarity, Sharon demonstrates how our verbal communication has, for centuries, been based on a "war model." Thus we become defensive easilywhether we want simply to protect ourselves, or to work toward social change. We cause needless power struggles and pain, even with those we love most. Sharon describes our six common defensive modes and how we communicate in manipulative and controlling ways, even when we have the best of intentions. In the remaining two-thirds of the book, she describes a method of listening and speaking which can give each of us clarity, confidence and power, regardless of whether others cooperate or not. It is a disarming, freeing, and contagious process, which can transform our individual lives and be a potent tool for social change. -- Common Ground Magazine

About the Author

Sharon Ellison, M.S., was a therapist for 30 years, during which time she developed the "Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication" process outlined in the book. She currently provides workshops, not only for the general public, but also for a wide variety of organizations, including: small businesses; corporations, such as Hewlett Packard and Nordstrom; educational institutions, ranging from public schools (K-12) to universities such as Stanford and the University of California, San Francisco; government organizations, such as The Smithsonian and the Justice Department; health care organizations, and social service agencies. An award winning speaker, Sharon also provides keynotes and workshops at conferences internationally.

Product Details

• Hardcover: 284 pages
• Publisher: Andrews Mcmeel Pub (March 1, 1998)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0836235940
• ISBN-13: 978-0836235944
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.3 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #832,764 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

28 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Valuable Skill Building with Profound Results!, April 28, 2000

By 

Tifanie Hayden (California) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Don't Be So Defensive : Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (Hardcover)

Sharon Ellison's Powerful, Non-Defensive Communication method inspired me and made me eager to incorporate her discovery of a non-defensive form of communication into my own relationships. Sharon's book takes you through several different types of scenarios where her method can prevent those knots and tangles we sometimes find ourselves caught up in. More importantly, without having to provide real examples for every single type of situation requiring communication; she is able to provide clear, in-depth explanations for understanding this concept. For me, this book will serve as a resourceful tool, which I will turn to repeatedly until I have mastered this concept. I have been able to test this method with that most difficult person in my life. To my absolute amazement I was able to diffuse the anger and aggression in an instant. The response was calm, agreable, and seemed to put this person in think-mode over what they were feeling, where I had typically expected irrational conflict and excessive verbal abuse. I am actually able to speak without compromising my integrity or becoming entrapped in that power struggle. In past, other methods were short-lived and effective up until that difficult person caught on to my pattern of communicating. Using Sharon's method, I am able to stay true to myself without a need for masking those feelings in order to remain protected. I am willing to say that I believe this book may be preventing many years of unnecessary, damaging stress to my life. It is my opinion that this method should be mandated as an academic course within our schools today. I believe it is a wonderful and positive way to start out our continued struggle toward peace and understanding for one another!

23 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome book!, July 30, 2003

By 

"acubabe_2000" (Berkeley, CA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Taking the War Out of Our Words:The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (Paperback)

I love this book and would wholeheartedly recommend it for every househould. Families and coworkers can have the best intentions, but if the language we use is what we all grew up with - a war-like model - then it can be confusing and frustrating when our interactions with people make us feel worse than before. I like how this book dissects the language we typically use (most of it rang all too familiar!), then offers new ways of communicating the same thing with language that helps the other person feel more receptive.

I've started using these techniques at home and at work, and I can't speak highly enough about it. I really learned a lot, and I feel more empowered in my communication skills, even in difficult of situations - not that I don't fall back into old ways. But when I do, it's a reminder of how different the results are when you use language consciously or unconsciously.

The concept of using language creatively to generate harmony is such an obvious but brilliant observation. The way the author breaks everything down into examples makes it seem really possible for anyone to transform and improve how they interact with the world. (The index of examples is really helpful!)

14 of 14 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This book has helped me communicate better than ever!, May 18, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Don't Be So Defensive : Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (Hardcover)

I am amazed how the suggestions in this book have helped me work with clients more effectively. I've been able to set limits better, with excellent results, where in the past I would feel stuck and disadvantaged. This is in addition to making my communication with friends and family smoother. Sharon Ellison's ideas just make good sense when you think about it. But it's unusual in this culture to see very good examples of how to communicate well. It's as if arguing and fighting are the only ways we know, or giving up and shutting up, or maybe just pretending to agree, then zapping the other person the first chance we get. I'm thrilled to find and understand another way, where I can be true to myself and stand in my integrity, without getting into a tug of war, or disappearing. I use to just withdraw, and feel resentful, but not any more! I heartily recommend this book!