67 of 72 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Much More Than You Expect - Don't Judge By Title Alone, March 1, 2010
This review is from: Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions that Keep Black Women From Dating Out (Hardcover)
There is a moment in Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye where I fell in love with the book. Not for its eloquence, its poetic prose or for any empathy toward the characters. The moment is one in which Pauline, Pecola's mother, is watching a movie starring Clark Gable and Jean Harlow. She is so absorbed in her movie fantasy that she styled her hair like Jean. As she watches and snacks on candy, her front tooth comes out. In that moment, she snaps back to reality - a reality where black women are not regarded as beauties, where the vulgarity of her life makes her mean and hateful, where she "settles down to just being ugly". That moment was profound for me because, at that time in my life, I felt that Morrison could see inside my soul and explain exactly what I felt like as a young black woman [please understand that I am not calling myself or any other black woman ugly]. That she understood me clearer in that exact moment, more than any other person could.
That is exactly what I felt from the very first chapter of reading "Don't Bring Home A White Boy" - that same moment where the author has the power to reach across the pages, grasp my hand, and understand exactly how I feel as a black woman.
Let me say that this book was not what I expected from its title. Whenever I sit down to digest a "let's explore this problem" type of book, I have to be in a scholarly, analytical frame of mind. Folan's voice is not that of a scholar, but of an acquaintance or friend who understands our frustrations, desires and experiences as educated black women and decides to dismantle 10 notions that mentally hold black women back from interracial dating. So I found this book to be an engaging, entertaining and thought-provoking read.
What Folan does here is show the dangers of clinging to notions of racial divide, for instance by highlighting historical evidence of how sexual violence has been and is continuing to be committed against black women by black men, in the same manner that black women still hold white men over the fire for sexual violations committed during slavery. For each notion, the author examines the root cause for its existence, states factual and historical evidence as to why its wrong or no longer needed, and gives a practical approach to evaluating men for their merit as an individual (but not as if dispensing dating advice). What I love about this book is that Folan literally crunches the numbers and paints a crystal-clear picture of the marriage prospects available to educated black women. We talk about it all the time amongst ourselves, in newspapers and in the blogosphere, but its another thing entirely to see it spelled out for you in black and white and it will be even more difficult for interracial dating opponents to *intelligently* refute the cold hard facts as published.
She also highlights the disparities and double standards of black women and black men's dating criteria; how the "penis power" myth is in direct contradiction of the search for a "good black man" by supporting infidelity and fathering multiple children out of wedlock; and discusses colorism, negative stereotypes of black women, physical, sexual and mental abuse, and other issues that are inherent to the black community. And, where applicable, she does a great job of showing how a particular issue affects all people, not just black women. For example, she points out how all women are objectified in the media, regardless of race, and how smart men, regardless of race, know that those images aren't real.
I would go so far as to say that this book is required reading for black women considering interracial dating. It will provide clear arguments as to why it is OK to date whomever you're attracted to and powerful answers for the naysayers who may cause a black woman to feel uncomfortable for dating a non-black man. My one and only criticism of the book is that, for the black woman new to the concept of or newly contemplating dating interracially, the book is not explicit in stating that black women should date out BECAUSE WE CAN. It could come across that Folan suggests black women expand their horizons because there is a shortage of eligible black men - not simply because bw are free to date whomever we wish. And this could very well be her intent; I don't propose to know the author's mind. I am just not a proponent of presenting the argument like "hey sistas! There's a shortage of black men, so date out!" My argument is more along the lines of "hey sistas! You can have any color M&M in the bag, why just stick to the brown ones?" I tend to disagree with any encouragement for interracial dating in lieu of the availability of black men. But that's just me, you may have a different stance and not even pick up on this issue that I saw.
I'll leave you with a quote from the book, in the hopes that it will inspire and motivate you to pick up your own copy and enjoy this book for yourself: "When black women who want to be in relationships, who want to share all the love inside them with a man reject possible partners who might be good for them and to them solely on the basis of race, they may be throwing away their best chances for happiness with both hands. If they never marry, if they never have those children they dream of, if they never give that love inside them, they are failing to express some of their fundamental values. In the end, they deprive not only themselves by the whole community of the beauty of a fully actualized life."
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41 of 46 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
A world of expanded options for happiness awaits those Black women who read this book and take inspiration from it., March 1, 2010
This review is from: Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions that Keep Black Women From Dating Out (Hardcover)
Much has been written about African-American women being one of the demographic groups in the US who are least likely to be married. However, little of it has explored why so many African-American women are hesitant to increase their odds of finding a suitable husband by dating and marrying interracially. In her book, "Don't Bring Home A White Boy: And Other Notions That Keep Black Women From Dating Out," writer Karyn Langhorne Folan offers a penetrating look at the various misguided "notions" that prevent African-American women from expanding their dating and marriage pool to include quality White men as potential husbands.
In a book that is beautifully written and meticulously researched, Karyn Folan refutes each self-defeating taboo about interracial dating and marriage that serves to keep many African-American women unhappily single. Along the way, Ms. Folan paints unforgettable portraits of little-known persons and incidents from African-American history, including:
(1) The dark-skinned, 15-year old Black girl who refused to give up her seat to a White passenger on a Montgomery, Alabama city bus nine months before Rosa Parks did the same thing. This brave teenager was deemed "too dark," "too feisty," and too poor to be the representative plaintiff for the civil rights movement.
(2) The 1959 Tallahassee, Florida case where an all-White jury convicted four White men of gang-raping a young Black woman named Betty Jean Owens. This is especially significant when viewed in comparison to the current "stop snitching" culture among many African-Americans that allows sexual violence against Black women and girls to go unpunished.
(3) The esteemed 19th century White geologist who pretended to be a light-skinned Black man in order to marry a Black woman.
In her clear and elegant prose, Ms. Folan addresses the fear that underlies many African-American women's reluctance to expand their dating and marriage horizons. Fear of how Black men will react. Fear of being socially ostracized from the African-American community. Fear of exploring the previously unknown social experiences and settings that interracial relationships can bring. She also poses an important, potentially life-altering series of questions to readers that every African-American woman needs to consider:
"Who is living in your skin: you or the brothas? You or the entire Black community? You or the fears of the resentment of others?"
In short, Ms. Folan's book is a refreshing and long overdue examination of the misguided taboos that hinder African-American women from exploring all of their dating and marriage options. A world of expanded options for happiness awaits those Black women who read this book and take inspiration from it.
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