Customer Reviews

Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success

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This book starts with a great basic point - that people need to be looked at systematically. This means that people must be looked at *in context* with their environment and other events and people in it. While minor distractions from either home or office can be left in its respective place, major issues from either affect the whole person. The book also highlights how certain behaviors are contextual - that is, if a person is carrying an issue from having an over-protective mother, then that issue would only surface when working with someone who, often subconsciously, reminds the person of their mother.

Unfortunately, the book urges people to go from one extreme (looking at people in isolation) to the other extreme (looking at people exclusively in context) rather than recognizing there is a happy medium. For example, the book says that when a newcomer enters a well-functioning team and the team's harmony and performance suffers, the solution is *never* to remove the newcomer. Obviously there are cases where the issue is the individual. Further, even if the problem is with the interaction among multiple team members, moving the person to another team, one without certain "triggers", may still be an acceptable solution.

This initial context-only direction is made more confusing when the key 13 destructive patterns are presented. None of them are presented in context - they are all individual-focused patterns. That said, the patterns are well presented, and the author shows that by making a relatively minor change to each of the 13 destructive patterns, they can be turned into 13 constructive patterns. To give one example, the "drama king/queen" can keep the focus on drama but, by altering the presentation, can become a great storyteller, a role that is very helpful for concretizing scenarios, issues, or visions.

The self-assessment questions from exercises two and three could have been done better. There is a situation presented along with five choices of how you might act, and the reader is supposed to pick one. These would have been much effective if the reader could rank how likely they were to have each reaction. This would solve two major issues - people may not really be likely to agree with any of the choices (many are quite preposterous), and people may sometimes be equally likely to agree with multiple choices (maybe based contextually on whom they are with?).

Another annoyance was the fact that the author attacks a non-system (atomistic) approach, which she mistakenly calls analytical, and claims it is endemic to western thought (without any sort of reference justifying that claim). The author even quotes Aristotle as having a holistic approach, not recognizing Aristotle as the father of western thought.

In summary, this book has some good information that I have not seen presented elsewhere, but getting at it is not as easy as it could be.

Sylvia Lafair has not only the background of knowledge and professional experience to writing this excellent book DON'T BRING IT TO WORK, she also is a solid writer who understands how to capture attention and maintain interest in both self improvement and understanding as well as how to take the information gleaned from this book to the workplace. In short, this is not only a sound and enjoyable read of a book, it is also one of the better 'fix the problems at work' books on the shelves today.

Lafair's background as a Family Therapist is evident on every page. But what makes reading her introduction to the personality idiosyncrasies each of us has as a result of both our immediate family and our upbringing so pertinent is her mastery of finding just those character traits each of us possesses and leads us into the workplace where we not only identify our own 'role playing' but also the tropes of those around us. What then? Once the personality types dragged as baggage from the home to work are identified, Lafair addresses the means of how to deal with malfunctioning personality disorders in a way that benefits not only the 'person with problem', but also with the entire work 'family'. Observe. Identify. Alter. Change.

For this reader the magnetism of Lafair's book is discovering our own personality traits that have always affected the way in which we function. At first, identifying ourselves as either a 'victim', and 'avoider' or 'persecutor' etc is embarrassing. But Lafair dives into reconstruction right away, provides insight and workbook sessions, and in the end everyone who reads this book will find a happier adjustment to the place where we spend the better part of our day - WORK! Read her book then consider giving copies to pertinent people where you work. Change IS possible. Grady Harp, June 09

In this book, Sylvia Lafair explains how to break certain family patterns that limit career success by "claiming and taming the world of interpersonal relationships." All people have problems at work and in their personal lives. They become upset, confused, and impatient. "Such frustrations are understandable. But what most of us...never really `get' is why people believe the way they do, and what can be done about it. The problem isn't always other people's behavior, either. How many times have you regretted something you said or did at work and thought, `Why do I always do that?' Ever want to help your employees find out what's holding them back? Or holding you back?" Lafair poses other questions of comparable importance. Her purpose in this book is NOT to answer them. Rather, to help her reader answer them...and perhaps help others to answer the questions they have.

"This book helps you get to the bottom of workplace behaviors that simply don't work for you or your organization. More important, it shows you exactly what you can do about them. You'll learn practical steps you can take to improve your professional relationships and make you a better leader, a better mentor, a better teammate. You'll gain a remarkable new understanding of yourself and your colleagues almost immediately." What I realized almost immediately as I began to read the first chapter is that Lafair is demonstrating the importance of context and frame-of-reference by establishing them for the PatternAware(tm)Leadership Model, an approach based on her more than 30 years of experience with both healthy and dysfunctional interpersonal relationships. Her observations and recommendations are thus supported by an abundance of empirical, real-world evidence. With rigor and eloquence, she explains how behavior patterns from a person's history are intimately connected with every aspect of that person's adult life, not least of all her or his work life. Much of her book is devoted to helping her reader to understand that, "although you can never fully leave your family behind, you don't have to bring it to work." That is frequently true but I have also observed, in my own behavior and others', that it is possible to haul so-called "baggage" anywhere, into any relationship, without being aware of it. I've worked with people who have more hang-ups than a telemarketer.

Over the years, Lafair has identified "The 13 Most Common Patterns(tm) We Bring to Work" and they serve as a thematic infrastructure for her narrative. They are identified and discussed in Chapter Four. Here are three:

* The Persecutor: humiliates work associates with finger-pointing, demanding, judging, and blaming. The persecutor behaves like a bully and takes no prisoners. No resolutions occur because everyone is afraid to take him or her on.

* The Avoider: leaves the scene - whether physically or emotionally - when the going gets tough, so that the real concerns never are faced. Meetings get short-circuited or cancelled, projects are delayed, and resolution deteriorates into superficiality.

* The Denier: pretends everything is perfect, out of a desire to maintain the status quo. The denier will distort facts and statistics to keep situations from changing course, and only wants `yes people' around. The denier's mantra is `Problem? What problem?'"

Lafair rigorously examines a total of thirteen of these disruptive characters: Persecutor, Avoider, and Denier as well as Super-Achiever, Rebel, Procrastinator, Clown, Victim, Rescuer, Drama Queen or King, Martyr, Pleaser, and Splitter. Her insights help to explain recent Gallup research indicating that only 29% of the U.S. workforce is positively engaged (i.e. loyal, enthusiastic, and productive) whereas 55% is passively disengaged. That is, they are going through the motions, doing only what they must, "mailing it in," coasting, etc. What about the other 16%? They are "actively disengaged" in that they are doing whatever they can to undermine their employer's efforts to succeed. Supervisors who read this book may not have the same percentages re those for whom they are directly responsible the workplace in which they are involved but presumably they do have a number of underperforming workers as well as several toxic workers. Lafair can help them to increase the number of their direct-reports who are positively engaged.

I especially appreciate her provision of a set of "Takeaways" of key points at the conclusion of each chapter. This reader-friendly device will facilitate, indeed expedite frequent review of those key points later. I also appreciate her skillful use of another device, "Sound Bites," in Chapter Seven. The table provides a list of sound bites to consider when beginning to practice listening for patterns. This material (Pages 176-182) all by itself is worth much more than the cost of the book if (huge "if") applied effectively whenever appropriate. Aptly enough, the title of the final chapter is "Connecting the Dots" and that is precisely what must be done when sorting through the details of one's history (especially the childhood years) and correlating them with one's behavior, especially in interpersonal relationships at work.

In What Got You Here Won't Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith identifies as "20 Transactional Flaws" that are barriers to effective communication. For example, #8: Negativity or "Let me explain why that won't work" that indicates a need to share negative thoughts even when not asked for an opinion. (Note: Masters of this tactic often praise an idea first, then play the devil's advocate.) I mention this portion of Goldsmith's book because he makes a very important point: many of those who possess these flaws and demonstrate them constantly are unaware of them, or at least are unaware of their impact. This is relevant to one of Lafair's most valuable insights: You cannot address what you are not aware of, much less respond effectively to what you do not understand. The only way to identify and then understand the various patterns one has now is to explore the history of one's family patterns (the subject of Chapter Five) by connecting the dots throughout that history with one's current circumstances. In this context, if the reader is an explorer, then Sylvia Lafair is the reader's guide. As for the map, I highly recommend the PatternAware(tm)Leadership Model.

Sylvia Lafair has provided us with a really wonderful book that helps us understand how the interpersonal dynamics we learned in our family must affect the way we interact with others at work. That is, until we learn to see those dynamics within ourselves and in others. She helps us see them clearly using stories from her own professional life as a family and workplace therapist. She uses a model of the 13 most common patterns (she doesn't claim these are all the patterns) and how you can see yourself in them (she has an assessment) and dig into the family dynamic that led you to your dominant patterns. Later, she shows you how to transform these 13 largely reactive modes into active and positive patterns. For example, she shows us how to move from mere super-achievement to becoming a creative collaborator and from persecutor to visionary. She points out that this is NOT about changing who you are, but free what you already are by giving fuller expression to your potential rather than letting the past shut you inside certain boundaries formed by habit and fear.

The book has three parts. The first three chapters show us the connection between home and work. She makes a very compelling case for her views. The second part, chapters 4 and 5, explain the 13 most common destructive patterns that we see in the workplace and their roots in our family experiences. Part three shows us how to become more authentic, how to talk with honesty but without becoming a rehab facility instead of a workplace. And finally, she connects the dots. She shows us how most of our limits our self-imposed by our thoughts rather than anything external. When we redefine our boundaries we can re-create much of who we are and achieve what really matters to us most.

I like the way Lafair uses stories, most examples from her practice, to illustrate the principles she teaches us. She also uses charts and diagrams effectively, but not too much. She also provides take-aways at the end of each chapter that are very helpful in capturing the essence of what we want to remember from each chapter.

Really, this book is for everyone. Personally, I think it will not only help you at work, but in your family life, as well.

Just terrific.

Reviewed by Craig Matteson, Ann Arbor, MI

A few months ago, Sylvia LaFair and I con­nected via LinkedIn. She is the Pres­i­dent of CEO, Cre­ative Energy Options, Inc., a global con­sult­ing com­pany focused on opti­miz­ing work­place rela­tion­ships. We exchanged quick mes­sages that ended up in a phone con­ver­sa­tion and invi­ta­tion to visit her at The Coun­try Place Retreat and Con­fer­ence Cen­ter in White Haven, PA.

Life pointed out to me once again that the Statue of Lib­erty is in my own back­yard. Sylvia's beau­ti­ful place is tucked away in lower Luzerne County, a mere 17 miles from my office. I was greeted by Mary Jane Saras, LCSW, Vice Pres­i­dent, Lead­er­ship Devel­op­ment for CEO, and after a won­der­ful visit with both dynamic women in this warm, peace­ful and invit­ing envi­ron­ment that is the retreat, I left with two new friends and a gifted copy of Sylvia's book, Don't Bring It To Work.

I once heard a direc­tor level man­ager say to some­one, "When you enter those doors, leave your per­sonal life on the other side, understand?"

How often at the office have you won­dered how her fam­ily stands her, or his wife puts up with him? How the kids don't run away from the Commander's field camp or dream how nifty it would be if so and so got a pre­scrip­tion for anti-anxiety meds?

Per­haps you won­der why you have dif­fi­culty with rela­tion­ships at work or why you find so many peo­ple are intol­er­a­ble. The book points to the way OUT:

OBSERVE pat­terns and pos­i­tive change happens
UNDERSTAND where the pat­terns began and change is deeper and long lasting
TRANSFORM pat­terns to be a leader who inspires and encour­ages oth­ers to be successful

Sylvia mod­els the 13 most com­mon pat­tern types found in the work­place that need work to bring har­mony and ties them right back to fam­ily life, to help break the fam­ily pat­terns that limit suc­cess. Her work echos thoughts many of us have -- but that she suc­cinctly makes sense of, ana­lyzes and offers a solu­tion to through the Pat­ter­nAware(tm) lead­er­ship model.

Do you rec­og­nize types like Super-Achiever, Rebel, Vic­tim, Clown, Per­se­cu­tor, Res­cuer and Drama King or Queen? These are not strictly work­place per­son­al­i­ties, they have far-reaching his­tor­i­cal sig­nif­i­cance, learned as chil­dren -- pat­terns never bro­ken to develop healthy rela­tion­ship behav­ior. The book takes an in-depth look at each type to the point that any­one with a min­i­mal amount of self-recognition should be able to self-identify.

But find­ing the solu­tion doesn't end at rec­og­niz­ing the unhealthy pat­terns, it's where the work begins. Sylvia's years of work as a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist and fam­ily ther­a­pist before get­ting into office pol­i­tics bring an espe­cially acute per­spec­tive on how fam­ily comes to work with you.

To pro­vide even more per­spec­tive on fam­ily pat­terns, Sylvia takes read­ers through the process of Sankofa Map­ping, a pro­pri­etary coach­ing process she devel­oped in which you "graph­i­cally explore and orga­nize rela­tion­ships in your fam­ily sys­tem and apply the results to your work life". She writes that it goes much fur­ther than your fam­ily tree and that by look­ing at how you and your fam­ily has responded to fam­ily crises you'll be able to under­stand how that behav­ior has shaped your behav­ior pat­terns in the workplace.

After a lot of work on dis­cov­ery, accep­tance and will­ing­ness to change, the book pro­vides four com­mu­ni­ca­tion and ground rules for work­ing together -- one of which is to ensure work is not a rehab facil­ity, and pro­vides some guide­lines to observe. I boil it down as those who choose to not change and grow must go - via the per­for­mance man­age­ment sys­tem. Too many HR offices are pseudo-therapy clin­ics as it is...

For any­one who cares about opti­mal per­for­mance, team cohe­sion, inter­per­sonal rela­tion­ships and per­sonal and pro­fes­sional growth, Don't Bring It To Work pro­vides many take­aways. The one that really stands out to me in a big way is that "You become whole by own­ing the parts of your­self you would rather ignore".

I admit to occa­sion­ally retreat­ing from ini­tia­tor to the safe con­fines of avoid­ance if I feel uncomfortable.

There. I said it.

@karla_porter

Original post at [...]

During my 20 years as a corporate trainer and OD consultant, whenever I discovered a book that I thought would change the lives of my participants, I'd add it to my bibliography of recommended reading. "Don't Bring It To Work" is one of those rare transformative books.

At a time when our awareness is shifting and we are recognizing the importance of letting go of the past, Dr. Lafair guides us through a process that enables us to untangle the "nots" that keep us anchored to the often unconscious behaviors and patterns that block our ability to be completely present, in the moment of now. What an amazing gift that is!

If you want to find out what is standing in the way of you and success, read this book. It could be the person staring at you in the mirror or those people and situations in the rear view mirror.
Read Sylvia's book and you'll immediately recognize these patterns in yourself and others. The good news is, as she puts it, there is a way OUT (Observe Understand Transform). This book explains the patterns that we have developed over time in our family relationships, conflict, crisis and change. Once you understand the "enemy" you can transform negative patterns into positive actions.
If you're serious about change in your organization and not afraid to start on yourself, read this book, do the exercises and transform. Then you can help the people around you do the same.

When I saw the title I thought the book would be about separating home from work or work/life balance (A good reason to study Time Management). But it is not.

Lafair approaches life from a psychological viewpoint (she is a psychologist) and the impact that our families have on who we are and what that means when we bring it to work.

This is an in depth book that requires work and thought to dig into and do properly.

I am sure Lafair's points are completely valid on what we came from and how our families and backgrounds impact who we are at work and our interactions there.

She talks about 13 common patterns and what the impact is in the workplace; for example, super achiever (that would be me), rebel, procrastinator, etc. She then goes on to talk about how these can be transformed from super achiever to creative collaborator (that would be who I should strive to be) and from rebel to community builder, etc. The book has tools on how to identify who is which type in a work environment.

I think the book would be of interest any Human Resources person or any leader or manager who wants to understand how to maximize performance of their team.

This is an excellent researched, in-depth book. Good book. I recommend it.

"Don't Bring It To Work" by Dr. Sylvia Lafair inspired me to open-mindedly dig deep within myself to examine many the facets of my interactions and the interactions of those around me. The results have been mind-boggling as I continue to achieve great changes in how I see things and live my life. The enlightenment and changes in me have spilled over into the lives of the people around me, both personal and in business. The guidance, tenets, and philosophies in this book work; hands down. For example: when reading a passage where the author points out the different patterns we bring along with us in our daily interactions with others, I was totally blown away. I have heard this before but the manner in which it was framed brought that "aha" moment that sparked a new path of self-awareness, including reactions I have to my family, friends, and employees. This book and the Total Leadership Connection course I attended at Creative Energy Options has change my life by vastly improving my communication and listening skills with a more productive, positive, and peaceful demeanor. I have a better understanding of others, lend a more compassionate ear, which has ultimately made me a more inspired and inspiring business owner, supervisor, wife, mother, relative, and friend. The changes in people around me are also marked - perhaps for the first time I am paying homage to their strengths and contributions instead of weaknesses, and they are now noticing mine! If you are serious about change in your work life and personal life, and want to "spread the wealth" read this book! Do the work to transform: the results are priceless - It works! It is a gift that keeps on giving! Thank you Dr. Lafair!

It's your first day on your new job, and you're meeting your new colleagues. You shake hands, make eye contact and offer a pleasant smile. But for some reason, you instinctively don't like one or two people; they make you uncomfortable. How is it possible to judge people whose names you don't even know? Therapist and relationship expert Sylvia Lafair believes that the seeds of workplace conflict are rooted in your family background. She posits that the behaviors modeled in your childhood and your relationship with your family members create subliminal expectations that you subconsciously project onto others, including strangers. Lafair suggests that understanding your upbringing is the linchpin to avoiding and resolving workplace conflict. The author offers profound, detailed insight into the psychological dynamics that govern interpersonal relationships. Recognizing your family patterns is just the first step, though; the real work lies in your willingness to change your behavior. Though Lafair's approach may not resonate with everyone, getAbstract recommends her book to managers and employees who wish to avoid perpetuating destructive cycles of workplace conflict.