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Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction Paperback – March 1, 1992


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Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction + Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction + Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 448 pages
  • Publisher: Bantam; Reprint edition (March 1, 1992)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0553351389
  • ISBN-13: 978-0553351385
  • Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.3 x 1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (37 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #40,435 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In Carnes's diagnosis, sexual addiction is marked by compulsive, self-destructive behavior and takes many forms, such as child abuse, sadomasochism, reliance on erotic fantasy as a coping mechanism, obsession with one individual, anonymous sexual encounters or cycles of disastrous affairs alternating with sexual binging. Behavior therapist Carnes ( Out of the Shadows ) and fellow researchers targeted some 1000 sexual addicts and their "co-dependent" partners through surveys and interviews. Those who suspect that they may be sexually addicted, or know someone who is, should read this clear, helpful, well-organized guide. It shows that sexual compulsives come from all walks of life, and its advice-giving testimonies by recovered and recovering persons, combined with the author's clinical insights, point the way toward healing twisted relationships and reclaiming healthy sexuality.
Copyright 1991 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Publisher

"Dr. Patrick Carnes is a creative, pioneering, and courageous human being. His books are changing the lives of thousands!"

"I lost three marriages, all because of affairs." "I became suicidal because of multiple intense involvements." "I spent money on sex when I needed it for children's clothes." "I lost promotion opportunities and a special scholarship because my co-workers found out about my sex life." Ever day they face the possibility of destruction, risking their families, fiancés, jobs, dignity, and health. They come from all walks of life: ministers, physicians, therapists, politicians, executives, blue-collar workers. Most were abused as children--sexually, physically or emotionally--and saw addictive behavior in their early lives. Most grapple with other addictions as well, but their fiercest battle is with the most astounding prevalent "secret" disorder in America: sexual addiction. Here is a ground-breaking work by the nation's leading professional expert on sexual addiction, based on the candid testimony of more than one thousand recovering sexual addicts in the first major scientific study of the disorder. This essential volume includes not only the revealing findings of Dr. Carne's research with recovering addicts but also advice from the addicts and co-addicts themselves as they work to overcome their compulsive behavior. Positive, hopeful, and practical, Don't Call It Love is a landmark book that helps us better understand all addictions, their causes, and the difficult path to recovery.

"This clear, helpful, well-organized guide... points the way toward healing twisted relationships and reclaiming healthy sexuality."--Publishers Weekly


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Customer Reviews

4.9 out of 5 stars
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Very comprehensive, informative book.
Laura Burnett Vallejo
Fundamentally, this book offers a clear message of hope to any person affected by sex addiction that recovery is indeed possible and importantly - enjoyable !!
Mr. N. Gully
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about sexual addiction.
Sanzo

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

131 of 136 people found the following review helpful By D. Thomas on June 5, 2006
Format: Paperback
Easily, I could say that Patrick Carne's books on sexual addiction has saved my marriage and my husband's life and maybe my own as well. My first read was "Out of the Shadows" and it softened my angry heart after hearing my husbands confession of being with around 100 women over the past 5 years of our 17 year marriage and all sexual encounters were UNPROTECTED sex. I found out the hard way. How could all these powerful, crippling emotions that I was feeling be tamed?? How could I ever forgive this scrum of the earth!! READ this book and you can do the impossible!!

It answers my questions without having to continually confront my husband with the aweful thoughts of how he could be such a hypocrite all our married years!! What was he doing? Is he comparing me to his many different women when we had sex? Will he do it again? Will he always lie?? Is he really a good person deep down?? etc. All the questions have been answered and then some and I saw my own behaviors make the situation even worse without my knowing. I was a coaddict and codependent at different times. In only 4 months of my recovery and 18 months of his recovery we are happier than I ever thought possible!! This book takes you step by step as to what you can expect with building a healthy relationship with a recovering sex addict!! It is very detailed and gives advice from recovering addicts! It speaks in easy to understand language. It recognizes problems that can arise and gives you answers as to what to do if they happen to you!!

This was my fifth book on looking for answers to sexual addiction..Out of the Shadows was first, Secret Wars..second..Love, Sex and Infidelity, His Needs/Her Needs, and finally, with MUCH relief to my quest..DON'T CALL IT LOVE!!
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98 of 105 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on November 20, 2001
Format: Paperback
The world would be a remarkably better place if "Don't Call it Love" could be required reading for all humanity.
This book documents the results of a study that looked at people who identified themselves as tending to act in a compulsive manner sexually. There is no shame here, no accusations, and no demands, simply concurrent statements of fact. This was Carnes' study and these are the results.
If you've ever wondered, ever even suspected, by the time you finish this book you will know for sure, one way or the other.
I also read "Out of the Shadows," by Carnes. It rang true in the same way, and I've found that many people can finish it in one sitting. "Don't call it love" takes longer, but is much more comprehensive. I strongly reccomend buying both, starting with "Out of the Shadows" and then moving on to this one.
Bottom Line; whether or not you or someone you know struggles with sexually compulsive behavior, what you will learn from this book will help you understand the psycology of addiction and make you a more compassionate human being.
Far and away the best book on the topic I have ever read.
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62 of 69 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on February 7, 2001
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
His explanantion and discussion of addiction, in particular his explanantion of the Additive Model of Addiction, is worth the price of the book all by itself (actually, the book is a real bargain for the price). He discusses clearly the etiology of the sex addict, relating how a person becomes involved in compulsive sexual acting out and why, and includes resource references, such as contact nos. for SCA, SA, SLAA, et al.
His "Out of the Shadows" is also a very good book on this topic, but in treating the topic of addiction, he stays within the confines of sexual addiction, and so if you are new to learning about addictions, some points may be lost on you. They are both worth getting and reading (I have both), but if you want to buy only one, and are wondering which to get, I recommend this one over OOTS-- but only because it treats both addiction in general as well as what it looks like in the context of sex. Thus I feel this book is more comprehensive.
If you even suspect you may have a sexual compulsion, buy this book and decide about yourself for yourself.
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42 of 46 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 15, 2000
Format: Paperback
This book is an excellent first book to read on the subject for someone trying to understand sexual addiction in a loved one, or even for someone who finally found a "name" for their behavior. It is very factual and easy to understand. Patrick Carnes also uses analogies and stories to help you understand the grip and consequences of this strong-holding addiction.
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42 of 46 people found the following review helpful By Steven I. Lanzet on July 12, 1999
Format: Paperback
As an addictions counselor, I can testify that this book should be the first stop for anyone wanting to understand more about sexual addiction. See if you fit the pattern. Even if some of the examples are more extreme than your situation, focus on the basics and see if it sounds like you. Most of my clients have had no problem seeing themselves clearly in this book.
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34 of 38 people found the following review helpful By Bob on May 25, 2001
Format: Paperback
This book sheds light into the many dark places where sex addiction is home. The fact that it was written from compilation of surveys from 1000 sex addicts in recovery, gives it unique credibility, many helpful insights and advise. It describes and offers advice for early recovery, a year into recovery, later in recovery. It tells what they felt were the difficult barriers, what worked and what didn't. This could be extremely valuable to those considering or starting recovery, or returning to recovery after an absence. Knowledge in this book is comforting. There is plenty of hope for those of us who need this.
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