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Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction [Paperback]

Patrick Carnes
4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)

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Book Description

March 1, 1992
"Dr. Patrick Carnes is a creative,  pioneering, and courageous human being. His books are  changing the lives of  thousands!"

"I lost three marriages, all because of affairs."  "I became suicidal because of multiple intense  involvements."

"I spent money on sex when I  needed it for children's clothes."

"I  lost promotion opportunities and a special  scholarship because my co-workers found out about my sex  life."

Every day they face the possibility of  destruction, risking their families, fiances,  jobs, dignity, and health. They come from all walks  of life: ministers, physicians, therapists,  politicians, executives, blue-collar workers. Most were  abused as children--sexually, physically or  emotionally--and saw addictive behavior in their early  lives. Most grapple with other addictions as well,  but their fiercest battle is with the most  astounding prevalent "secret" disorder in  America: sexual addiction. Here is a ground-breaking  work by the nation's leading professional expert on  sexual addiction, based on the candid testimony of  more than one thousand recovering sexual addicts  in the first major scientific study of the  disorder. This essential volume includes not only the  revealing findings of Dr. Carne's research with  recovering addicts but also advice from the addicts and  co-addicts themselves as they work to overcome  their compulsive behavior. Positive, hopeful, and  practical, Don't Call It Love is  a landmark book that helps us better understand  all addictions, their causes, and the difficult path  to recovery.

Frequently Bought Together

Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction + Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction + Facing the Shadow
Price for all three: $49.30

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In Carnes's diagnosis, sexual addiction is marked by compulsive, self-destructive behavior and takes many forms, such as child abuse, sadomasochism, reliance on erotic fantasy as a coping mechanism, obsession with one individual, anonymous sexual encounters or cycles of disastrous affairs alternating with sexual binging. Behavior therapist Carnes ( Out of the Shadows ) and fellow researchers targeted some 1000 sexual addicts and their "co-dependent" partners through surveys and interviews. Those who suspect that they may be sexually addicted, or know someone who is, should read this clear, helpful, well-organized guide. It shows that sexual compulsives come from all walks of life, and its advice-giving testimonies by recovered and recovering persons, combined with the author's clinical insights, point the way toward healing twisted relationships and reclaiming healthy sexuality.
Copyright 1991 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From the Publisher

"Dr. Patrick Carnes is a creative, pioneering, and courageous human being. His books are changing the lives of thousands!"

"I lost three marriages, all because of affairs." "I became suicidal because of multiple intense involvements." "I spent money on sex when I needed it for children's clothes." "I lost promotion opportunities and a special scholarship because my co-workers found out about my sex life." Ever day they face the possibility of destruction, risking their families, fiancés, jobs, dignity, and health. They come from all walks of life: ministers, physicians, therapists, politicians, executives, blue-collar workers. Most were abused as children--sexually, physically or emotionally--and saw addictive behavior in their early lives. Most grapple with other addictions as well, but their fiercest battle is with the most astounding prevalent "secret" disorder in America: sexual addiction. Here is a ground-breaking work by the nation's leading professional expert on sexual addiction, based on the candid testimony of more than one thousand recovering sexual addicts in the first major scientific study of the disorder. This essential volume includes not only the revealing findings of Dr. Carne's research with recovering addicts but also advice from the addicts and co-addicts themselves as they work to overcome their compulsive behavior. Positive, hopeful, and practical, Don't Call It Love is a landmark book that helps us better understand all addictions, their causes, and the difficult path to recovery.

"This clear, helpful, well-organized guide... points the way toward healing twisted relationships and reclaiming healthy sexuality."--Publishers Weekly


Product Details

  • Paperback: 448 pages
  • Publisher: Bantam; Reprint edition (March 1, 1992)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0553351389
  • ISBN-13: 978-0553351385
  • Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.3 x 1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (28 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #22,998 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
(28)
4.8 out of 5 stars
I recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn more about sexual addiction. Sanzo  |  11 reviewers made a similar statement
The details in this book are very ACCURATE and the topic has been well studied and researched. Leslie Morris  |  4 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
108 of 113 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Easily, I could say that Patrick Carne's books on sexual addiction has saved my marriage and my husband's life and maybe my own as well. My first read was "Out of the Shadows" and it softened my angry heart after hearing my husbands confession of being with around 100 women over the past 5 years of our 17 year marriage and all sexual encounters were UNPROTECTED sex. I found out the hard way. How could all these powerful, crippling emotions that I was feeling be tamed?? How could I ever forgive this scrum of the earth!! READ this book and you can do the impossible!!

It answers my questions without having to continually confront my husband with the aweful thoughts of how he could be such a hypocrite all our married years!! What was he doing? Is he comparing me to his many different women when we had sex? Will he do it again? Will he always lie?? Is he really a good person deep down?? etc. All the questions have been answered and then some and I saw my own behaviors make the situation even worse without my knowing. I was a coaddict and codependent at different times. In only 4 months of my recovery and 18 months of his recovery we are happier than I ever thought possible!! This book takes you step by step as to what you can expect with building a healthy relationship with a recovering sex addict!! It is very detailed and gives advice from recovering addicts! It speaks in easy to understand language. It recognizes problems that can arise and gives you answers as to what to do if they happen to you!!

This was my fifth book on looking for answers to sexual addiction..Out of the Shadows was first, Secret Wars..second..Love, Sex and Infidelity, His Needs/Her Needs, and finally, with MUCH relief to my quest..DON'T CALL IT LOVE!! AFter reading this book I don't feel the need to read anymore on the subject of sexual addiction. I have more hope than I ever thought possible. The communication, Openess and honesty are first and foremost in reestablishing our relationship that was always crippled from the start of our marriage because he thought getting married would fix his problem!! It doesn't! It affects everyone around you and even the children!

If you are a sex addict or spouse, family member, friend, etc. of a sex addict..READ this book!! You will not be disappointed at all!! No book has done such a good job at laying it all out there and still keep it in healthy context for anyone to read! I saw my whole marriage and all the frustration of it take shape and form and how it brought out the worst in each of us..Now it is bringing out the very best in us with the 12 step program and this book!! Patience and understanding is most helpful and if you don't have it now you will get it from this book!! Good Luck to you and God Bless!!
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90 of 97 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Positively Stunning November 20, 2001
By A Customer
Format:Paperback
The world would be a remarkably better place if "Don't Call it Love" could be required reading for all humanity.

This book documents the results of a study that looked at people who identified themselves as tending to act in a compulsive manner sexually. There is no shame here, no accusations, and no demands, simply concurrent statements of fact. This was Carnes' study and these are the results.

If you've ever wondered, ever even suspected, by the time you finish this book you will know for sure, one way or the other.

I also read "Out of the Shadows," by Carnes. It rang true in the same way, and I've found that many people can finish it in one sitting. "Don't call it love" takes longer, but is much more comprehensive. I strongly reccomend buying both, starting with "Out of the Shadows" and then moving on to this one.

Bottom Line; whether or not you or someone you know struggles with sexually compulsive behavior, what you will learn from this book will help you understand the psycology of addiction and make you a more compassionate human being.

Far and away the best book on the topic I have ever read.

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59 of 64 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent discussion of addiction, sexual and otherwise February 7, 2001
By A Customer
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
His explanantion and discussion of addiction, in particular his explanantion of the Additive Model of Addiction, is worth the price of the book all by itself (actually, the book is a real bargain for the price). He discusses clearly the etiology of the sex addict, relating how a person becomes involved in compulsive sexual acting out and why, and includes resource references, such as contact nos. for SCA, SA, SLAA, et al.

His "Out of the Shadows" is also a very good book on this topic, but in treating the topic of addiction, he stays within the confines of sexual addiction, and so if you are new to learning about addictions, some points may be lost on you. They are both worth getting and reading (I have both), but if you want to buy only one, and are wondering which to get, I recommend this one over OOTS-- but only because it treats both addiction in general as well as what it looks like in the context of sex. Thus I feel this book is more comprehensive.

If you even suspect you may have a sexual compulsion, buy this book and decide about yourself for yourself.

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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars I enjoyed the read
Very informative book. I learned a lot about the subject matter, and yes folks, this is a very real addiction. I know celebrities make a mockery of it, but it is a serious matter.
Published 1 month ago by Malaysia10
5.0 out of 5 stars Good information
My counselor recommended this book. Some info is useful and some isn't so much. Altogether the information was very helpful!
Published 2 months ago by Ebeth253
5.0 out of 5 stars If you want to stop your sexual addiction, complete the worksheets in...
Excellent, excellent book!! I can say from personal experience that this book can cure a sex addict. "Doing the work" is tough but necessary for real change. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Green M&M
5.0 out of 5 stars Essential Reading for those who struggle with SA
This book is the great for those who want to understand sex/love addiction from a clinical perspective, while some of the information might be a bit dated it serves as a solid... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Purple Hayes
5.0 out of 5 stars not love?
Not love? this book tells me a great deal about mt misunderstanding about love and sex addiction. I am so happy for the info
Published 3 months ago by notalane
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic!
This book helped me see things in a different light. It helped me to straighten things out in my mind.
Published 4 months ago by Allen J. Boucher
5.0 out of 5 stars Makes it clear
Chapter on co-addicts- more than just co-dependency. Will help me a lot with in working with spouses and in understanding the connection between the addict and the co-addict.
Published 4 months ago by Anastacia Martinez
4.0 out of 5 stars very informative/helpful
this has helped me to understand the ins and outs of addiction,& coaddiction. well written and easy to read. ,,
Published 5 months ago by shauna fawcett
5.0 out of 5 stars A great resource
This is a great book to dive into helping people work through their sexual addiction. A lot of work that goes on today in the field is based on this resource.
Published 5 months ago by Anthony M. Johnson
5.0 out of 5 stars I had no clue why my life was such a mess!. This book is VERY...
This book changed my life and has set me free! Patrick Carnes KNOWS what he is writing about. The details in this book are very ACCURATE and the topic has been well studied and... Read more
Published 8 months ago by Leslie Morris
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