Customer Reviews

Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction

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Easily, I could say that Patrick Carne's books on sexual addiction has saved my marriage and my husband's life and maybe my own as well. My first read was "Out of the Shadows" and it softened my angry heart after hearing my husbands confession of being with around 100 women over the past 5 years of our 17 year marriage and all sexual encounters were UNPROTECTED sex. I found out the hard way. How could all these powerful, crippling emotions that I was feeling be tamed?? How could I ever forgive this scrum of the earth!! READ this book and you can do the impossible!!
It answers my questions without having to continually confront my husband with the aweful thoughts of how he could be such a hypocrite all our married years!! What was he doing? Is he comparing me to his many different women when we had sex? Will he do it again? Will he always lie?? Is he really a good person deep down?? etc. All the questions have been answered and then some and I saw my own behaviors make the situation even worse without my knowing. I was a coaddict and codependent at different times. In only 4 months of my recovery and 18 months of his recovery we are happier than I ever thought possible!! This book takes you step by step as to what you can expect with building a healthy relationship with a recovering sex addict!! It is very detailed and gives advice from recovering addicts! It speaks in easy to understand language. It recognizes problems that can arise and gives you answers as to what to do if they happen to you!!
This was my fifth book on looking for answers to sexual addiction..Out of the Shadows was first, Secret Wars..second..Love, Sex and Infidelity, His Needs/Her Needs, and finally, with MUCH relief to my quest..DON'T CALL IT LOVE!! AFter reading this book I don't feel the need to read anymore on the subject of sexual addiction. I have more hope than I ever thought possible. The communication, Openess and honesty are first and foremost in reestablishing our relationship that was always crippled from the start of our marriage because he thought getting married would fix his problem!! It doesn't! It affects everyone around you and even the children!
If you are a sex addict or spouse, family member, friend, etc. of a sex addict..READ this book!! You will not be disappointed at all!! No book has done such a good job at laying it all out there and still keep it in healthy context for anyone to read! I saw my whole marriage and all the frustration of it take shape and form and how it brought out the worst in each of us..Now it is bringing out the very best in us with the 12 step program and this book!! Patience and understanding is most helpful and if you don't have it now you will get it from this book!! Good Luck to you and God Bless!!

The world would be a remarkably better place if "Don't Call it Love" could be required reading for all humanity.

This book documents the results of a study that looked at people who identified themselves as tending to act in a compulsive manner sexually. There is no shame here, no accusations, and no demands, simply concurrent statements of fact. This was Carnes' study and these are the results.

If you've ever wondered, ever even suspected, by the time you finish this book you will know for sure, one way or the other.

I also read "Out of the Shadows," by Carnes. It rang true in the same way, and I've found that many people can finish it in one sitting. "Don't call it love" takes longer, but is much more comprehensive. I strongly reccomend buying both, starting with "Out of the Shadows" and then moving on to this one.

Bottom Line; whether or not you or someone you know struggles with sexually compulsive behavior, what you will learn from this book will help you understand the psycology of addiction and make you a more compassionate human being.

Far and away the best book on the topic I have ever read.

His explanantion and discussion of addiction, in particular his explanantion of the Additive Model of Addiction, is worth the price of the book all by itself (actually, the book is a real bargain for the price). He discusses clearly the etiology of the sex addict, relating how a person becomes involved in compulsive sexual acting out and why, and includes resource references, such as contact nos. for SCA, SA, SLAA, et al.

His "Out of the Shadows" is also a very good book on this topic, but in treating the topic of addiction, he stays within the confines of sexual addiction, and so if you are new to learning about addictions, some points may be lost on you. They are both worth getting and reading (I have both), but if you want to buy only one, and are wondering which to get, I recommend this one over OOTS-- but only because it treats both addiction in general as well as what it looks like in the context of sex. Thus I feel this book is more comprehensive.

If you even suspect you may have a sexual compulsion, buy this book and decide about yourself for yourself.

As an addictions counselor, I can testify that this book should be the first stop for anyone wanting to understand more about sexual addiction. See if you fit the pattern. Even if some of the examples are more extreme than your situation, focus on the basics and see if it sounds like you. Most of my clients have had no problem seeing themselves clearly in this book.

This book is an excellent first book to read on the subject for someone trying to understand sexual addiction in a loved one, or even for someone who finally found a "name" for their behavior. It is very factual and easy to understand. Patrick Carnes also uses analogies and stories to help you understand the grip and consequences of this strong-holding addiction.

This book sheds light into the many dark places where sex addiction is home. The fact that it was written from compilation of surveys from 1000 sex addicts in recovery, gives it unique credibility, many helpful insights and advise. It describes and offers advice for early recovery, a year into recovery, later in recovery. It tells what they felt were the difficult barriers, what worked and what didn't. This could be extremely valuable to those considering or starting recovery, or returning to recovery after an absence. Knowledge in this book is comforting. There is plenty of hope for those of us who need this.

Easy to read, compelling. Covers breadth of the problem. Includes a number of case histories. Outlines progressive tasks for recovery along with comments from others at each stage.

Carnes can be readily credited for leading the way in developing a sound understanding of sex addiction and importantly, the treatment of this. By presenting sexually destructive behaviour within the paradigm of "addiction", Carnes has succesfully created a "problem to solution" model which offers a way out of sexually addictive behaviour. In "Don't Call it Love" Carnes offers a plan for living and a route out of this powerfully compelling condition. He manages to present a readable and coherent guide, outlining the multiple dimensions of both sex addiction and recovery from this. In his usual realisitic and compassionate style, this book makes it clear that the process of abstinence and recovery is concerned with helping "Good people get well" rather than helping "Bad people be good". Fundamentally, this book offers a clear message of hope to any person affected by sex addiction that recovery is indeed possible and importantly - enjoyable !!

As the wife of a recovering sex addict this book has been immensity helpful. Although it may be dated (and what's up with the title?) it is the best I've read so far (and I ordered about 20 books on the subject) because it deals with the underlying reasons why an addict "acts out" and the causes and faulty belief patterns of the addict. This helps one to understand the shame cycle and how it developed through a rigid and disengaged family life and how the addict uses a quick fix to fill the void, escape, self medicate for the pain caused by low self esteem and high desire for acceptance. This will help recovering sex addicts, porn addicts and their families through the recovery process.

Draws on long experience in the field to talk about what works and what doesn't work in treatment of sexual addiction. The case histories are fascinating, and frightening. Reading about the extremes to which some some sex addicts go to satisfy their addiction should impell anyone with tendencies in this direction to get help before they get any worse.