92 of 98 people found the following review helpful
on September 19, 2003
this was by far the best book i ever read when it comes to
jerky men, i dated a man for a year and a half and he was the
most wonderful person i had ever met. he couldnt do enough for me
and would spend money on me like it was nothing. afte a year he
changed drastically, he wanted no commitment (even thou after our
second date he wanted an exclusive relationship) he began to become more distant with no explanation. i would try to talk to
him and ask him what was going on and he would never really say
anything, then the phone calls stopped. i emailed him and he would never answer them, i purchased the book and read it all in
an hour and i went 6 weeks without calling him, i did have a setback after that and called him to see if he was dead or alive.
he was civil but thats about it. i didnt ask any personal questions nor did i ask him if he had a girlfriend. i basically
just wanted to hear his voice and since i did always care for him
i wanted to make sure he was ok even thou he apparently didnt care if i was dead or alive. i know now that i will not call that
man again, and this book will help me to not do that. i have started dating again even thou its hard only becauses i feel like
there was unfinished business with my ex, but i know that most
men dont know what closure is and there way is to just disappear.
i recommend this book for anyone going thru the same thing as i
did, thanks alot for your wise advice when dealing with a jerk.
64 of 68 people found the following review helpful
on April 14, 2002
I was married and hopelessly obssessing over someone else (in retrospect to avoid the problems in my marriage), when I bought this book. The book was very powerful, every word rang true for me, and I began to see my insane, self destructive behavior, wasting my time obsessing over this inappropriate situation. The object of my obsession was a cruel, ambivilent man, who strung me along like a yoyo. We were never even intimate, and I never was unfaithful to my husband. That we never even had a relationship was one of the many reasons why my preoccupation was so insane. I saw from doing the work in the book that my obsession stemmed not from wanting this particular man, but from all the rejection and abandonment issues that he triggered. Finally, I was free from the obsession two months sfter doing the work in the book. Sadly, my marriage ended, but had I not stopped focusing on this outside person, I never would have gotten to take an honest, hard look at my own unhappy situation and make a decision based on reality, not an obsessive fantasy. I recommend this to anyone desperate to pick up the phone, or pursue contact with someone who is clearly not availiable to them.
58 of 65 people found the following review helpful
on April 14, 2000
This book will save you when you feel like you are going insane. The suggestions about what to do when you feel like calling HIM are fantastic. The description of the ambivilent man fits most of the men I've dated to a tee. I've vowed not ever to date another on of these men again. Also, the exercises in the book help you discover why you have this need to degrade yourself by letting him make you feel like dirt.
38 of 44 people found the following review helpful
on June 27, 2002
Believe it or not after my boyfriend dumped me I bought most of the books concerning breakups and sad feelings.This was by far the best!When my boyfriend left me I acted kind of crazy calling him 20 times in half an hour that day!After a few days I felt so humiliated that I wanted to call him back and prove him I am not a hysterical girl. This book had all the answers to my problems.
It stopped me from calling him for one more time and it stopped me from being humiliated for once again. I also wanted to make a closure and call him for the last time so we could talk calmly and so we could separate with friendly feelings.Big mistake!Rhonda made me realise that the only closure you should make when s/b breaks up with you is with yourself.
Now after reading it some times when I have the urge to call him I just look at the cover and all I've learned comes to my mind. After a couple of minutes I feel ok! Read this book again and again cause every time you'll love it and appreciate it even more!
107 of 134 people found the following review helpful
on March 20, 2000
When I broke up with my boyfriend, I was a wreck! And this was NOT the time to start reading books about my inner child and reaching "The Attic"(sorry Vanzant fans). I needed clear cut advice. I couldn't even clean my house, let alone deal with the abstract that other books would have you do. This book gets to the point in easy to understand english of why you should let go. I'm still working through my pain, and I find myself rereading certain passages. But I have bought almost every break up book out there(if you don't believe me, try pulling up my file on amazon.com!) This book was one of the most helpful, along with Cosmo's book. You won't regret this purchase, it has really helped me!
42 of 51 people found the following review helpful
on November 29, 1999
Rhonda Findling's book is a magnificent survival guide in helping women break free of unfullfilling, frustrating, go no-where relationships that just seem to keep us "stuck" for some reason. These relationships may bring us a lot of happiness in some ways but are flawed in some way or another. We know we need to move on but can't extricate ourselves and have tried and failed as has happened to me. Rhonda has given us a roadmap to follow to guide us out and help us move our lives forward, even allowing for some backsliding. She helps understand why we stay stuck or hooked, how to move through our loss and deal with it. We gain insight into our behavior through the thought-provoking exercises at the end of each chapter. The chapters are very well-written in easily understandable language which provides with a source of comfort in working through this very painful time in our lives. Rhonda provides us with many good ideas in her Ten-Step Program to Not Call That Man and 50 Things to Do To Not Call Him. The book has truly been my survival guide to "Letting Go".
72 of 90 people found the following review helpful
on December 27, 2004
I, like the previous reviewer, am a gay male who just got out of a relationship with an extremly ambivalent man. Haha, ambivalent has become my new favorite word! We met about six months ago at a really low point in my life. I was having financial difficulty, dealing with extreme anxiety and panic attacks, my dad found out he had cancer and I had become really agoraphobic. He pursued me through a mutual friend, and before you know it we began talking and dating. He knew everything I was going through, I was really up front and honest about my situation when we met, and he seemed to be really understanding and supportive. So as things in my life gradually started getting better, I had more time for the relationship and started falling madly in love with him. I didn't realize how much of an obsession it had become until he finally left me a few weeks ago. He seemed perfect, attractive, good career, money, the long-term relationship type. He always talked about how he felt like I was the one, and this was his first "real" relationship. He would tell me he'd buy us a house and he'd help me out of debt and we'd travel and just enjoy life together. Well of course this is what I've always wanted to hear being that my past two relationships were with broke, jobless, carless losers. But towards the end right after Thanksgiving, he started acting very distant and different. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn't give me a clear cut answer. Me being the type of guy that I am, I can't stand feeling left in the dark and demanded to know NOW what was going on before we went any further. Well needless to say, after two days of ignoring me and not returning my calls, he finally picked up and the first words out of his mouth were, "It's over". He claimed he no longer felt he could give me what I needed and that maybe we were just two different people. I was crushed to say the least. He had built my hopes up so high and I really made sure to take my time and ask questions with this one, and he still left me! I've tried calling, emailing, text messaging, but he won't respond. It was like one minute we were so happy and in love and now he's cut it off cold turkey with no clear cut explanation why. Of course I've spent hours and hours blaming myself and trying to figure out what his reasons may have been. Every question that pops into my mind, I feel like running to the phone and demanding he answer me now so I don't have to feel crazy. But I realize now that I'm only leaving myself open to more rejection every time I call and he doesn't answer. So that's why I decided to pick up this book. As an impulsive dialer myself, I needed some form of closure to this even if it meant finding it on my own. I love the book from cover to cover. I felt like I was having a conversation with a comforting friend. She seemed to know exactly what I was going through and offered solid comforting advice while building my strength back up. I've alreay read it once, but I took a pretty hard fall after this one, so I'm going to read it again, this time really taking my time with the writing excercises. Ahh, what a perfect time to get dumped by your ambivalent man, just before the holidays. Well now that the holidays are over, I've decided it's time to pick my chin up off the ground, face reality, and hope Rhonda's advice will get me through this and find me new love in the new year!
31 of 37 people found the following review helpful
on December 19, 2004
When it turns out that "the one" actually ain't, letting go can be near-impossible. The only way to do it is the title of this book. Don't. Call. That. Man. That's it. The great thing about the book is that it's not that simplistic -- she goes into why we call, what we're trying to do, what we fear, what we lack, and how to heal. She's like that really great, intelligent friend who you never seem to listen to, but hey, you paid for this one, so you go and listen to her. At least that's how it worked for me. Highest recommendation from an ex-codependant who needed some (ok... a lot of) help breaking away.
44 of 54 people found the following review helpful
on June 5, 2001
I'd like to first say that eventhough this book was written by a woman for other women it should not be limited to just women. Except for the references of how women relate to their fathers and/or mothers everything else can be applied to someone such as myself who is having a hard time letting go of someone I deeply care for. I, as a gay man, can relate to the same relationship angst and struggle with letting go of the fantasy of the future I had planned out with him. Rhonda really struck a chord with The Ambivalent Man. I highlighted almost the entire chapter and almost the entire book seeing a lot of parallels in my situation and what she wrote about. I believe that the man I love is ambivalent about his feelings and that is what caused him to run and what caused me to pursue. I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with the loss of a love and who is having a hard time of moving on with their lives.
I'm dealing with the urge to contact him and with this book I feel like I will have the strength and will power to make it through and NOT CALL THAT MAN!!!!
17 of 19 people found the following review helpful
on December 29, 1999
I substituted Woman for Man and it worked for me. I was in a relationship with a woman who was emotionally not available. I think Ms Findling should present the book also to men who get attached to women who can't commit. There may be fewer of us out there than women but we do exist. The book helped me get over a wrong relationship so I could move on to find someone who would be available. Like all my friends(both Male and Female) told me I deserve better. Thanks for the book Ms Findling.