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I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated [Kindle Edition]

Julie Klausner
3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (69 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $15.00
Kindle Price: $10.18
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Sold by: Penguin Group (USA) LLC

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Book Description

Read Julie Klausner's posts on the Penguin Blog

In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie
Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care About Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure
to find love--and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.

I Don't Care About Your
posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy
clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism,
thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and
the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man--good or otherwise--
when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville.

Off the popularity of her New York
"Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't care About
Your Band
is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with
truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in
crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, TV
on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of
how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it."

I Don't Care
About Your Band
charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves
men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new
outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20's doing personal field research to back
up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity. By turns explicit, funny and moving,
Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to
emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care About Your Band is Julie Klausner's
manifesto, and every one of us can relate.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Scarsdale-bred actress and entertainer Klausner fashions a breathy, vernacular-veering-into-vulgar, spastically woe-filled account of her youthful heartaches falling for guys who were just not that into her. Chronologically arranged, the brief, zippy anecdotes move from her preadolescent sexual awakenings, poring over Stallions magazine during sleepovers with her girlfriends, through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. The author likens herself to Miss Piggy from the Muppets, plucky, stylish, mouthy and irrepressible, chasing after the perennially indifferent Kermit, who just wants to hang out with his guy pals. Klausner's eager pursuits of men followed this doomed pattern, from falling for Tom, the long-distant Internet crush in Minnesota, because he got her dorky allusions but happened to be emotionally zero; NYU acquaintance Ryan with “instance-inappropriate intensity” who suggested a threesome; Colin the vegan, who only liked the taste of his own semen; and sex with a grossly ugly person that was supposed to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. Honest she is, though her tales of being young and “habitually dating the damaged” require a strong stomach and a good handle on popular cultural references. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


"I wish that, like a big sister, I could have taken Julie Klausner aside and advised her against most of the dalliances in this book. On the other hand, her horrible dating experiences are your laugh-out-loud entertainment."
-Rachel Dratch, actress and comedienne (Saturday Night Live)

"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new. It's one of those books that you take to bed with you, that keeps you up all night, and that makes you laugh so hard in public the next morning that strangers ask you what you're reading. And make me so glad I'm not dating."
-Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara

"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love. I Don't Care About Your Band has more wit and all of the tsuris of Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City, without the pithy bromides."
-Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy

"All those misplaced orgasms and disappointing hookups with deviants were well worth it. Julie Klausner's memoir is screamingly funny and wiser than a hooker with health insurance. Take it home for a ride!"
-Michael Musto, columnist for The Village Voice and author of La Dolce Musto

Product Details

  • File Size: 434 KB
  • Print Length: 274 pages
  • Page Numbers Source ISBN: 1592405614
  • Publisher: Gotham Books; Reprint edition (February 2, 2010)
  • Sold by: Penguin Group (USA) LLC
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0030CVQ08
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Not Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #52,810 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
313 of 350 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Water Seeks Its Own Level May 7, 2010
Julie Klausner dates a lot of losers. Which is weird, she tells us, because she is AWESOME.

Which begs the question: so why is she dating such losers?

Disclaimer: I don't know Klausner the person, probably never will. I'd very much like her to be awesome -- there should be more awesome people in the world.

But Julie-as-portrayed-in-a-book-written-by-Julie-Klausner did not impress me.

The book is a series of essays, loosely connected in that they all address Klausner's sexual life/romantic life/theories on men. I found some more interesting than others; usually where she left the personal and examined cultural icons like Kermit and Piggy or Jim and Pam (from The Office US) to see if she could suss out a relationship zeitgeist. The essays about specific hookups had a depressing sameness to them: Girl meets Guy. Girl deducts Guy is not on her level, but Girl is single, so why not. Girl has sex with Guy, hopes that this will improve the relationship. Eventually, a)Guy dumps Girl or b)Girl decides relationship is not improving, dumps Guy.

Klausner isn't dull, don't get me wrong, and sometimes she delivers killer black humor. But she is incredibly frustrating as a memoirist, because "I Don't Care About Your Band" reads like an extended version of that joke about the terrible food served in too-small portions. Although she tries to persuade us her escapades are rooted in romantic optimism and the belief that, some day, she'll meet someone who deserves her, she doesn't actually like any of these guys. With few exceptions, none of her hookups are all that captivating: they're not as funny as she is, not as mature, not as intelligent, not as attractive, not as generous in bed, not as thin, not as sane, not as sophisticated, not as talented.
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16 of 17 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars "What I didn't learn" is more accurate September 26, 2012
By Scuffy
I am happy to say that I did not buy this book, but instead borrowed it from someone after being intrigued by the title. I have had my fair share of dating/sex mishaps, so I was hoping for a funny, self-reflective memoir that would make me think of my own stupid 20s and laugh. Instead, I just felt uncomfortable for much of the book. I could relate to her situations, but not to her view on them. She says repeatedly throughout the book that she is smart and funny, but I saw neither trait in her writing. It is my opinion that if you have to tell someone what you are, then you are not that thing.
Near the end of her book, she says it is not her intention to make people feel bad. She wants people to read this book and feel good. However, I am not sure how this could be possible unless she only expects carbon-copies of herself to read it. Her judgments don't come across as funny; they come across as close-minded and ignorant. She is severely lacking in self-awareness and seems to expect men to be able to read her mind. Instead of outrightly telling a man that she does not want him around, she pouts and ignores him until he leaves. The only part of the book that showed personal growth was when she opted not to have an affair with a married man and actually stuck to her decision (unlike with other relationships, when she would say "no" but then go ahead with sex anyway).
Klausner treats sex like it is something that happens to her, instead of something she takes part in. When she describes herself, it's as an aggressive person, but when she describes her situations, she clearly is expecting men to do everything and to read her mind about her desires. Her poor communication with other people, and about herself, comes across louder than anything else she tries to say.
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69 of 88 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars More pathetic than funny February 24, 2010
Oh dear. I really did want to like this book but I just couldn't find anything to like.

I had heard it was a must-read for any woman who's ever been single in NY. What I took away from this is that Julie Klausner is a deeply insecure woman with major self-esteem issues who made terrible choices because she was so desperate to be "loved".

I had heard it was funny. I think the potential was there but the author tries SO hard to show us how hilarious she is that she ends up tripping all over herself to create a wordy mess. Editor?

I had heard it was clever. Guess that depends on your definition of clever. I suppose if you feel it's clever to beat your reader over the head with arcane pop culture references or trot out the over-played gay best-friend character (with predictable smugness) you'll think this is clever.

Ugh. When I finished this book (and that in itself was a feat as I was tempted to hurl it under a subway on more than one occasion) I felt vaguely disgusted and sad. Women of the world: you are better than this.
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10 of 11 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Extremely disappointing memoir... March 21, 2013
By Mathew
I was looking forward to reading this book; I put it on hold with the digital library until it became available to read. I sat down looking forward to a funny, insightful book by what I thought was a woman with a sarcastic, self-deprecating wit! What I got was a disgusting sexual "tell-all" that wasn't funny, wasn't insightful, and definitely was not self-aware! Julie is like many other memoir writers I've read - she grew up in a privileged upper middle class home, had a loving mother and father, and takes every bit of it for granted without any self-awareness that not everyone - in fact, the majority of people in the world do not have her good fortune.

I was at first a little taken aback by her early interest in the act of sex - not love, not romance, but just lust and sex. I realized she was very different from me in that respect, but that didn't bother me in itself, I thought it would provide an insight into her behavior. However, she NEVER outgrows that look at sex as a animal act that she looks at from a disapproving and slanted point of view. Her crude language isn't the problem, it's how she uses it to demean men (and women). Sex should be wonderful and exciting - if it's not, then don't do it. No one was holding a gun to her head to commit these sexual acts with the men she chased. She only has herself to blame for her banal lifestyle. If she is looking for a real relationship, or great sex - she's looking in all the wrong places, and choosing all the wrong partners.

The other problem with the book is her stereotyped views of the people and world around her.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
GREAT BOOK, worth the read!!!!
Published 13 days ago by Janie R Williams
1.0 out of 5 stars Don't waste your time as I did
This abysmal book wound up on my Kindle via the local library after I found it in a Buzzfeed article misleadingly titled 32 Books Guaranteed to Make You Laugh Out Loud. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Sylvia Wulf
3.0 out of 5 stars She met a guy but slept with him anyway
She met a guy, thought he was kind of creepy, but slept with him anyway. This is every single chapter. I don't know, it was still kind of interesting. Read more
Published 3 months ago by M. NEAL
3.0 out of 5 stars Enjoyable
Really enjoyed the humor of this book. I think most girls can find a guy in this that they can relate to someone they dated.
Published 4 months ago by Samantha Gloria
3.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining
An easy funny read that you can relate to if you've ever been a girl in your twenties, living in New York!
Published 5 months ago by Laura
5.0 out of 5 stars Funny and relatable
Loved this book, it's a fast read, well written, very funny and very relatable. I immediately followed Julie Klausner on Twitter because I enjoy her voice and it shines in this... Read more
Published 5 months ago by Jill Greenberg
2.0 out of 5 stars Skip it.
Self absorbed rich white girl who hates other women. I really thought I would like it, and I hated it. Shallow, boring.
Published 7 months ago by L Rainwater
1.0 out of 5 stars Sad
I found this book incredibly sad. The title of this book should really be called "How I let men USE and ABUSE me to aid my sex/love addiction". Read more
Published 9 months ago by trackact
5.0 out of 5 stars Sexing through New York
I've listened to a bunch of Julie's podcast episodes so it was fun to read this book with her voice in my head and already have an understanding of her tone/humor before starting... Read more
Published 11 months ago by Michael Tapp
4.0 out of 5 stars Ok
Book arrived quickly. I haven't had a chance to read the entire book yet, but what I have read is pretty funny.
Published 13 months ago by Stephanie Ames
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