I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated [Bargain Price] [Paperback]

Julie Klausner (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 2, 2010

In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care About Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love--and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.

I Don't Care About Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man--good or otherwise--when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville.

Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't care About Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, TV Funhouse on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it."

I Don't Care About Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20's doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity. By turns explicit, funny and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care About Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Scarsdale-bred actress and entertainer Klausner fashions a breathy, vernacular-veering-into-vulgar, spastically woe-filled account of her youthful heartaches falling for guys who were just not that into her. Chronologically arranged, the brief, zippy anecdotes move from her preadolescent sexual awakenings, poring over Stallions magazine during sleepovers with her girlfriends, through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. The author likens herself to Miss Piggy from the Muppets, plucky, stylish, mouthy and irrepressible, chasing after the perennially indifferent Kermit, who just wants to hang out with his guy pals. Klausner's eager pursuits of men followed this doomed pattern, from falling for Tom, the long-distant Internet crush in Minnesota, because he got her dorky allusions but happened to be emotionally zero; NYU acquaintance Ryan with “instance-inappropriate intensity” who suggested a threesome; Colin the vegan, who only liked the taste of his own semen; and sex with a grossly ugly person that was supposed to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. Honest she is, though her tales of being young and “habitually dating the damaged” require a strong stomach and a good handle on popular cultural references. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

"Klausner takes the heartbreak of romantic failure and turns it into hilarious defeat. I'd love for her to get her hands on depression and apathy, and turn them into a sheet of peanut brittle."
-Patton Oswalt, stand-up comedian

"I wish that, like a big sister, I could have taken Julie Klausner aside and advised her against most of the dalliances in this book. On the other hand, her horrible dating experiences are your laugh-out-loud entertainment."
-Rachel Dratch, actress and comedienne (Saturday Night Live)

"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new. It's one of those books that you take to bed with you, that keeps you up all night, and that makes you laugh so hard in public the next morning that strangers ask you what you're reading. And it makes me so glad I'm not dating."
-Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara

"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love. I Don't Care About Your Band has more wit and all of the tsuris of Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City, without the pithy bromides."
-Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy

"All those misplaced orgasms and disappointing hookups with deviants were well worth it. Julie Klausner's memoir is screamingly funny and wiser than a hooker with health insurance. Take it home for a ride!"
-Michael Musto, columnist for The Village Voice and author of La Dolce Musto

"If you think dating can't get any worse, then you haven't read this book. Julie Klausner's hilarious memoir will remind you that the worse the date, the better the story it will eventually make. If nothing else, you'll be comforted by the fact that your date was never arrested for kidnapping."
-Em & Lo, relationship columnists, New York Magazine and authors of Sex: How To Do Everything

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Gotham; Reprint edition (February 2, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1592405614
• ASIN: B003VWC4D0
• Product Dimensions: 7.8 x 5.2 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (59 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #696,609 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

289 of 326 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars Water Seeks Its Own Level May 7, 2010

By Snark Shark

Format:Paperback

Julie Klausner dates a lot of losers. Which is weird, she tells us, because she is AWESOME.

Which begs the question: so why is she dating such losers?

Disclaimer: I don't know Klausner the person, probably never will. I'd very much like her to be awesome -- there should be more awesome people in the world.

But Julie-as-portrayed-in-a-book-written-by-Julie-Klausner did not impress me.

The book is a series of essays, loosely connected in that they all address Klausner's sexual life/romantic life/theories on men. I found some more interesting than others; usually where she left the personal and examined cultural icons like Kermit and Piggy or Jim and Pam (from The Office US) to see if she could suss out a relationship zeitgeist. The essays about specific hookups had a depressing sameness to them: Girl meets Guy. Girl deducts Guy is not on her level, but Girl is single, so why not. Girl has sex with Guy, hopes that this will improve the relationship. Eventually, a)Guy dumps Girl or b)Girl decides relationship is not improving, dumps Guy.

Klausner isn't dull, don't get me wrong, and sometimes she delivers killer black humor. But she is incredibly frustrating as a memoirist, because "I Don't Care About Your Band" reads like an extended version of that joke about the terrible food served in too-small portions. Although she tries to persuade us her escapades are rooted in romantic optimism and the belief that, some day, she'll meet someone who deserves her, she doesn't actually like any of these guys. With few exceptions, none of her hookups are all that captivating: they're not as funny as she is, not as mature, not as intelligent, not as attractive, not as generous in bed, not as thin, not as sane, not as sophisticated, not as talented.... "So why didn't they like me?" she mourns, bewildered.

Klausner has a really interesting thesis (I did say she had moments, right?) that most guys want is a girl no one else knows is pretty. (See above: The Office US, Pam.) I think it's a fascinating idea, but I also think Klausner suffers the gender flip: she wants a guy no one else knows is a mensch, whom she can elevate from his squalid extended boyhood into a Real Adult Relationship. Either that, or she's setting up her ego to fail: she confesses to crushing on the disinterested, as if getting him interested will prove her self-worth. Once he's interested, though, the real test begins -- can she make him love her enough that he'll "grow into the man he knows I need to be with." Yes, that's a quote.

The style of the book is chatty and breezy, but the overall effect felt like getting cornered at a party by That Girl. You know the one, she'll get hammered and trot out her theory that she is actually a gay man! Trapped in a straight woman's body! Get it? Because she enjoys giving oral sex (and women don't) and is hilariously witty (which (white) women aren't). I picked this up because it came recommended by the writers at [...], and they should be ashamed of themselves. A liberal feminist website has no business promoting a book with such strong undercurrents of biphobia and bi-erasure ("a lot of bisexuality" in a girl means she's just straight and "horny," but even a "little bit of bisexuality" in a guy means he's actually gay), transphobia (a woman who doesn't have ex-friends she hates must be "a convincing tranny," because she's not actually a woman, haha get it?), and misogyny.

Yeah, you heard me.

Klausner talks a good talk. She encourages women to do their own thing, be their own ego-boosters, and entertain the idea that what they find attractive in romantic partners is what they really want for themselves, in their own lives. All good stuff. But the actual women populating her book are a mix of mean girls, backstabbers, frumpy friends, boring lesbians (they advise her to dump guys she dislikes -- haha, what do they know about dating men, right ladies?), and the faceless "mousy" girls she accuses guys of defaulting to in the face of her intimidating awesome. She encourages her readers to go out and get a gay man as a best friend ASAP, as they are the only true BFF material. (She confides, in a masterful stroke of pigeonholing men on the basis of sexuality, that she can judge a woman's level of taste and sophistication on her number of gay male friends please observe AS MY JAW DROPS.) Friendships with women are undermined by innate competitiveness and jealousy, according to her, and other women are never truly happy about your personal or professional successes. Not all female friendships are like that, Klausner demurs, but she's warning you.

Seriously? That's the kind of message you want to package in with go-girlism and rah-rah "we ladies deserve real men" dating anecdotes?

Sorry, Ms. Klausner. I just don't care about your book. Read more ›

14 of 15 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars Amusing If Shrill December 7, 2011

By blondewriter99

Format:Paperback

Julie Klausner is primarily a comedienne, and therefore, the book isn't so much a series of stories but of sketches. And each one of them is about a loser guy who breaks Julie's heart after she (ohhh, nooo, not again!) jumps into bed with him, despite knowing better. I have nothing against women who have a healthy sexual appetite but by the middle of the book even Julie is admitting that she's not getting any pleasure-- either physical or emotional-- out of these arrangements. They seem done almost purely out of habit and a natural inclination towards light sadomasochism. The guys are all one dimensional idyuts (according to Julie) and she makes fun of them with a kind of over-the-top screechy insistence that most of them don't even warrant. One guy mentions he likes Burning Man so Julie slaps her knees and points and hollers to the reader, "Can it get any worse???" Well, actually, it probably could. All of the guys come in for this type of hooting and snorting, no matter if they seem to deserve it or not. The majority commit no greater crime than not quite having their lives together (as Julie doesn't either) and not wanting to have a relationship with Julie. Julie, for her part, doesn't seem to want relationships with them either. She just doesn't like the men being the first to call it quits. (She complains bitterly when men don't return an email or text, but then blithely reports committing the same acts when she herself isn't interested in someone.) That said, I kept reading the book, often into the wee hours, because despite the increasingly shrill depictions of these "loser men," Julie is, for the most part, a very talented writer and she does have a certain raw power and joie de vivre in her prose.... I would have liked for her to add a little psychoanalyzation to her depictions: Why does she repeatedly have sex with men she cares nothing for and often isn't even attracted to? Why is she repeatedly hurt by men when she doesn't even seem to like them very much? But Julie is not the analytical kind, unless she is telling us why she doesn't like musicians, while simultaneously doing virtually nothing but chasing musicians. The book could have benefited greatly from a little emotional depth, some soul-searching, and some compassion for these men- who seemed just as lost and lonely as she was, if not as articulate. But the book is what it is, and if you enjoy the kind of raunchy bad date stories that are usually told over a few Margaritas with your girlfriends, then you'll like this book. Read more ›

66 of 84 people found the following review helpful

1.0 out of 5 stars More pathetic than funny February 24, 2010

By The Observationalist

Format:Paperback

Oh dear. I really did want to like this book but I just couldn't find anything to like.

I had heard it was a must-read for any woman who's ever been single in NY. Um....no. What I took away from this is that Julie Klausner is a deeply insecure woman with major self-esteem issues who made terrible choices because she was so desperate to be "loved".

I had heard it was funny. I think the potential was there but the author tries SO hard to show us how hilarious she is that she ends up tripping all over herself to create a wordy mess. Editor?

I had heard it was clever. Guess that depends on your definition of clever. I suppose if you feel it's clever to beat your reader over the head with arcane pop culture references or trot out the over-played gay best-friend character (with predictable smugness) you'll think this is clever.

Ugh. When I finished this book (and that in itself was a feat as I was tempted to hurl it under a subway on more than one occasion) I felt vaguely disgusted and sad. Women of the world: you are better than this.

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars "What I didn't learn" is more accurate September 26, 2012

By Scuffy

Format:Paperback

I am happy to say that I did not buy this book, but instead borrowed it from someone after being intrigued by the title. I have had my fair share of dating/sex mishaps, so I was hoping for a funny, self-reflective memoir that would make me think of my own stupid 20s and laugh. Instead, I just felt uncomfortable for much of the book. I could relate to her situations, but not to her view on them. She says repeatedly throughout the book that she is smart and funny, but I saw neither trait in her writing. It is my opinion that if you have to tell someone what you are, then you are not that thing.
Near the end of her book, she says it is not her intention to make people feel bad. She wants people to read this book and feel good. However, I am not sure how this could be possible unless she only expects carbon-copies of herself to read it. Her judgments don't come across as funny; they come across as close-minded and ignorant. She is severely lacking in self-awareness and seems to expect men to be able to read her mind. Instead of outrightly telling a man that she does not want him around, she pouts and ignores him until he leaves. The only part of the book that showed personal growth was when she opted not to have an affair with a married man and actually stuck to her decision (unlike with other relationships, when she would say "no" but then go ahead with sex anyway).
Klausner treats sex like it is something that happens to her, instead of something she takes part in. When she describes herself, it's as an aggressive person, but when she describes her situations, she clearly is expecting men to do everything and to read her mind about her desires. Her poor communication with other people, and about herself, comes across louder than anything else she tries to say.... She inadvertently paints herself as an increasingly shallow person who desires men to make her feel better about herself, while at the same time screaming "girl power," without actually examining the discrepancy between those thoughts.
She casts judgment without understanding why, such as on vegans, bisexuals, midwesterners, Portlanders, and open relationships. Never does she examine why she would feel derisive, but expects people to understand her without her trying to understand them. She is the worst kind of hypocrite, as she lacks the self-awareness to realize that she is doing exactly what she demonizes other people for doing. Read more ›