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I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated Paperback – Bargain Price, February 2, 2010

3.6 out of 5 stars 86 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Scarsdale-bred actress and entertainer Klausner fashions a breathy, vernacular-veering-into-vulgar, spastically woe-filled account of her youthful heartaches falling for guys who were just not that into her. Chronologically arranged, the brief, zippy anecdotes move from her preadolescent sexual awakenings, poring over Stallions magazine during sleepovers with her girlfriends, through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. The author likens herself to Miss Piggy from the Muppets, plucky, stylish, mouthy and irrepressible, chasing after the perennially indifferent Kermit, who just wants to hang out with his guy pals. Klausner's eager pursuits of men followed this doomed pattern, from falling for Tom, the long-distant Internet crush in Minnesota, because he got her dorky allusions but happened to be emotionally zero; NYU acquaintance Ryan with “instance-inappropriate intensity” who suggested a threesome; Colin the vegan, who only liked the taste of his own semen; and sex with a grossly ugly person that was supposed to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. Honest she is, though her tales of being young and “habitually dating the damaged” require a strong stomach and a good handle on popular cultural references. (Jan.)
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Review

"Klausner takes the heartbreak of romantic failure and turns it into hilarious defeat. I'd love for her to get her hands on depression and apathy, and turn them into a sheet of peanut brittle."
-Patton Oswalt, stand-up comedian

"I wish that, like a big sister, I could have taken Julie Klausner aside and advised her against most of the dalliances in this book. On the other hand, her horrible dating experiences are your laugh-out-loud entertainment."
-Rachel Dratch, actress and comedienne (Saturday Night Live)

"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new. It's one of those books that you take to bed with you, that keeps you up all night, and that makes you laugh so hard in public the next morning that strangers ask you what you're reading. And it makes me so glad I'm not dating."
-Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara

"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love. I Don't Care About Your Band has more wit and all of the tsuris of Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City, without the pithy bromides."
-Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy

"All those misplaced orgasms and disappointing hookups with deviants were well worth it. Julie Klausner's memoir is screamingly funny and wiser than a hooker with health insurance. Take it home for a ride!"
-Michael Musto, columnist for The Village Voice and author of La Dolce Musto

"If you think dating can't get any worse, then you haven't read this book. Julie Klausner's hilarious memoir will remind you that the worse the date, the better the story it will eventually make. If nothing else, you'll be comforted by the fact that your date was never arrested for kidnapping."
-Em & Lo, relationship columnists, New York Magazine and authors of Sex: How To Do Everything
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Gotham; Reprint edition (February 2, 2010)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1592405614
  • ASIN: B003VWC4D0
  • Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.7 x 8.1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 3.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (86 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,789,215 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
Julie Klausner dates a lot of losers. Which is weird, she tells us, because she is AWESOME.

Which begs the question: so why is she dating such losers?

Disclaimer: I don't know Klausner the person, probably never will. I'd very much like her to be awesome -- there should be more awesome people in the world.

But Julie-as-portrayed-in-a-book-written-by-Julie-Klausner did not impress me.

The book is a series of essays, loosely connected in that they all address Klausner's sexual life/romantic life/theories on men. I found some more interesting than others; usually where she left the personal and examined cultural icons like Kermit and Piggy or Jim and Pam (from The Office US) to see if she could suss out a relationship zeitgeist. The essays about specific hookups had a depressing sameness to them: Girl meets Guy. Girl deducts Guy is not on her level, but Girl is single, so why not. Girl has sex with Guy, hopes that this will improve the relationship. Eventually, a)Guy dumps Girl or b)Girl decides relationship is not improving, dumps Guy.

Klausner isn't dull, don't get me wrong, and sometimes she delivers killer black humor. But she is incredibly frustrating as a memoirist, because "I Don't Care About Your Band" reads like an extended version of that joke about the terrible food served in too-small portions. Although she tries to persuade us her escapades are rooted in romantic optimism and the belief that, some day, she'll meet someone who deserves her, she doesn't actually like any of these guys. With few exceptions, none of her hookups are all that captivating: they're not as funny as she is, not as mature, not as intelligent, not as attractive, not as generous in bed, not as thin, not as sane, not as sophisticated, not as talented.
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Format: Paperback
I am happy to say that I did not buy this book, but instead borrowed it from someone after being intrigued by the title. I have had my fair share of dating/sex mishaps, so I was hoping for a funny, self-reflective memoir that would make me think of my own stupid 20s and laugh. Instead, I just felt uncomfortable for much of the book. I could relate to her situations, but not to her view on them. She says repeatedly throughout the book that she is smart and funny, but I saw neither trait in her writing. It is my opinion that if you have to tell someone what you are, then you are not that thing.
Near the end of her book, she says it is not her intention to make people feel bad. She wants people to read this book and feel good. However, I am not sure how this could be possible unless she only expects carbon-copies of herself to read it. Her judgments don't come across as funny; they come across as close-minded and ignorant. She is severely lacking in self-awareness and seems to expect men to be able to read her mind. Instead of outrightly telling a man that she does not want him around, she pouts and ignores him until he leaves. The only part of the book that showed personal growth was when she opted not to have an affair with a married man and actually stuck to her decision (unlike with other relationships, when she would say "no" but then go ahead with sex anyway).
Klausner treats sex like it is something that happens to her, instead of something she takes part in. When she describes herself, it's as an aggressive person, but when she describes her situations, she clearly is expecting men to do everything and to read her mind about her desires. Her poor communication with other people, and about herself, comes across louder than anything else she tries to say.
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Format: Paperback
Julie Klausner is primarily a comedienne, and therefore, the book isn't so much a series of stories but of sketches. And each one of them is about a loser guy who breaks Julie's heart after she (ohhh, nooo, not again!) jumps into bed with him, despite knowing better. I have nothing against women who have a healthy sexual appetite but by the middle of the book even Julie is admitting that she's not getting any pleasure-- either physical or emotional-- out of these arrangements. They seem done almost purely out of habit and a natural inclination towards light sadomasochism. The guys are all one dimensional idyuts (according to Julie) and she makes fun of them with a kind of over-the-top screechy insistence that most of them don't even warrant. One guy mentions he likes Burning Man so Julie slaps her knees and points and hollers to the reader, "Can it get any worse???" Well, actually, it probably could. All of the guys come in for this type of hooting and snorting, no matter if they seem to deserve it or not. The majority commit no greater crime than not quite having their lives together (as Julie doesn't either) and not wanting to have a relationship with Julie. Julie, for her part, doesn't seem to want relationships with them either. She just doesn't like the men being the first to call it quits. (She complains bitterly when men don't return an email or text, but then blithely reports committing the same acts when she herself isn't interested in someone.) That said, I kept reading the book, often into the wee hours, because despite the increasingly shrill depictions of these "loser men," Julie is, for the most part, a very talented writer and she does have a certain raw power and joie de vivre in her prose.Read more ›
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