From Publishers Weekly
Scarsdale-bred actress and entertainer Klausner fashions a breathy, vernacular-veering-into-vulgar, spastically woe-filled account of her youthful heartaches falling for guys who were just not that into her. Chronologically arranged, the brief, zippy anecdotes move from her preadolescent sexual awakenings, poring over Stallions
magazine during sleepovers with her girlfriends, through the unsavory details of sleeping with a gallery of losers throughout her 20s. The author likens herself to Miss Piggy from the Muppets, plucky, stylish, mouthy and irrepressible, chasing after the perennially indifferent Kermit, who just wants to hang out with his guy pals. Klausner's eager pursuits of men followed this doomed pattern, from falling for Tom, the long-distant Internet crush in Minnesota, because he got her dorky allusions but happened to be emotionally zero; NYU acquaintance Ryan with â€œinstance-inappropriate intensityâ€ who suggested a threesome; Colin the vegan, who only liked the taste of his own semen; and sex with a grossly ugly person that was supposed to make her feel better about her own inadequacies. Honest she is, though her tales of being young and â€œhabitually dating the damagedâ€ require a strong stomach and a good handle on popular cultural references. (Jan.)
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"Klausner takes the heartbreak of romantic failure and turns it into hilarious defeat. I'd love for her to get her hands on depression and apathy, and turn them into a sheet of peanut brittle."
-Patton Oswalt, stand-up comedian
"I wish that, like a big sister, I could have taken Julie Klausner aside and advised her against most of the dalliances in this book. On the other hand, her horrible dating experiences are your laugh-out-loud entertainment."
-Rachel Dratch, actress and comedienne (Saturday Night Live)
"Julie Klausner has the perfect comedic voice for a new generation of ladies-brave, self-deprecating, high-larious beyond and brand spanking new. It's one of those books that you take to bed with you, that keeps you up all night, and that makes you laugh so hard in public the next morning that strangers ask you what you're reading. And it makes me so glad I'm not dating."
-Jill Soloway, author of Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and executive producer of United States of Tara
"Julie Klausner is Helen Girly
Brown: hard-working, yet lusty! Romantic and
intelligent! But best of all: unapologetic about wanting to be in love. I Don't Care About Your Band
has more wit and all of the tsuris
of Carrie Bradshaw's Sex and the City
, without the pithy bromides."
-Sarah Thyre, author of Dark at the Roots and actress on Strangers with Candy
"All those misplaced orgasms and disappointing hookups with deviants were well worth it. Julie Klausner's memoir is screamingly funny and wiser than a hooker with health insurance. Take it home for a ride!"
-Michael Musto, columnist for The Village Voice and author of La Dolce Musto
"If you think dating can't get any worse, then you haven't read this book. Julie Klausner's hilarious memoir will remind you that the worse the date, the better the story it will eventually make. If nothing else, you'll be comforted by the fact that your
date was never arrested for kidnapping."
-Em & Lo, relationship columnists, New York Magazine and authors of Sex: How To Do Everything