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20 of 24 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Amusing If Shrill
Julie Klausner is primarily a comedienne, and therefore, the book isn't so much a series of stories but of sketches. And each one of them is about a loser guy who breaks Julie's heart after she (ohhh, nooo, not again!) jumps into bed with him, despite knowing better. I have nothing against women who have a healthy sexual appetite but by the middle of the book even Julie...
Published on December 7, 2011 by blondewriter99

versus
322 of 359 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Water Seeks Its Own Level
Julie Klausner dates a lot of losers. Which is weird, she tells us, because she is AWESOME.

Which begs the question: so why is she dating such losers?

Disclaimer: I don't know Klausner the person, probably never will. I'd very much like her to be awesome -- there should be more awesome people in the world.

But...
Published on May 7, 2010 by Snark Shark


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322 of 359 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Water Seeks Its Own Level, May 7, 2010
By 
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
Julie Klausner dates a lot of losers. Which is weird, she tells us, because she is AWESOME.

Which begs the question: so why is she dating such losers?

Disclaimer: I don't know Klausner the person, probably never will. I'd very much like her to be awesome -- there should be more awesome people in the world.

But Julie-as-portrayed-in-a-book-written-by-Julie-Klausner did not impress me.

The book is a series of essays, loosely connected in that they all address Klausner's sexual life/romantic life/theories on men. I found some more interesting than others; usually where she left the personal and examined cultural icons like Kermit and Piggy or Jim and Pam (from The Office US) to see if she could suss out a relationship zeitgeist. The essays about specific hookups had a depressing sameness to them: Girl meets Guy. Girl deducts Guy is not on her level, but Girl is single, so why not. Girl has sex with Guy, hopes that this will improve the relationship. Eventually, a)Guy dumps Girl or b)Girl decides relationship is not improving, dumps Guy.

Klausner isn't dull, don't get me wrong, and sometimes she delivers killer black humor. But she is incredibly frustrating as a memoirist, because "I Don't Care About Your Band" reads like an extended version of that joke about the terrible food served in too-small portions. Although she tries to persuade us her escapades are rooted in romantic optimism and the belief that, some day, she'll meet someone who deserves her, she doesn't actually like any of these guys. With few exceptions, none of her hookups are all that captivating: they're not as funny as she is, not as mature, not as intelligent, not as attractive, not as generous in bed, not as thin, not as sane, not as sophisticated, not as talented. "So why didn't they like me?" she mourns, bewildered.

Klausner has a really interesting thesis (I did say she had moments, right?) that most guys want is a girl no one else knows is pretty. (See above: The Office US, Pam.) I think it's a fascinating idea, but I also think Klausner suffers the gender flip: she wants a guy no one else knows is a mensch, whom she can elevate from his squalid extended boyhood into a Real Adult Relationship. Either that, or she's setting up her ego to fail: she confesses to crushing on the disinterested, as if getting him interested will prove her self-worth. Once he's interested, though, the real test begins -- can she make him love her enough that he'll "grow into the man he knows I need to be with." Yes, that's a quote.

The style of the book is chatty and breezy, but the overall effect felt like getting cornered at a party by That Girl. You know the one, she'll get hammered and trot out her theory that she is actually a gay man! Trapped in a straight woman's body! Get it? Because she enjoys giving oral sex (and women don't) and is hilariously witty (which (white) women aren't). I picked this up because it came recommended by the writers at [...], and they should be ashamed of themselves. A liberal feminist website has no business promoting a book with such strong undercurrents of biphobia and bi-erasure ("a lot of bisexuality" in a girl means she's just straight and "horny," but even a "little bit of bisexuality" in a guy means he's actually gay), transphobia (a woman who doesn't have ex-friends she hates must be "a convincing tranny," because she's not actually a woman, haha get it?), and misogyny.

Yeah, you heard me.

Klausner talks a good talk. She encourages women to do their own thing, be their own ego-boosters, and entertain the idea that what they find attractive in romantic partners is what they really want for themselves, in their own lives. All good stuff. But the actual women populating her book are a mix of mean girls, backstabbers, frumpy friends, boring lesbians (they advise her to dump guys she dislikes -- haha, what do they know about dating men, right ladies?), and the faceless "mousy" girls she accuses guys of defaulting to in the face of her intimidating awesome. She encourages her readers to go out and get a gay man as a best friend ASAP, as they are the only true BFF material. (She confides, in a masterful stroke of pigeonholing men on the basis of sexuality, that she can judge a woman's level of taste and sophistication on her number of gay male friends please observe AS MY JAW DROPS.) Friendships with women are undermined by innate competitiveness and jealousy, according to her, and other women are never truly happy about your personal or professional successes. Not all female friendships are like that, Klausner demurs, but she's warning you.

Seriously? That's the kind of message you want to package in with go-girlism and rah-rah "we ladies deserve real men" dating anecdotes?

Sorry, Ms. Klausner. I just don't care about your book.
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19 of 20 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars "What I didn't learn" is more accurate, September 26, 2012
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
I am happy to say that I did not buy this book, but instead borrowed it from someone after being intrigued by the title. I have had my fair share of dating/sex mishaps, so I was hoping for a funny, self-reflective memoir that would make me think of my own stupid 20s and laugh. Instead, I just felt uncomfortable for much of the book. I could relate to her situations, but not to her view on them. She says repeatedly throughout the book that she is smart and funny, but I saw neither trait in her writing. It is my opinion that if you have to tell someone what you are, then you are not that thing.
Near the end of her book, she says it is not her intention to make people feel bad. She wants people to read this book and feel good. However, I am not sure how this could be possible unless she only expects carbon-copies of herself to read it. Her judgments don't come across as funny; they come across as close-minded and ignorant. She is severely lacking in self-awareness and seems to expect men to be able to read her mind. Instead of outrightly telling a man that she does not want him around, she pouts and ignores him until he leaves. The only part of the book that showed personal growth was when she opted not to have an affair with a married man and actually stuck to her decision (unlike with other relationships, when she would say "no" but then go ahead with sex anyway).
Klausner treats sex like it is something that happens to her, instead of something she takes part in. When she describes herself, it's as an aggressive person, but when she describes her situations, she clearly is expecting men to do everything and to read her mind about her desires. Her poor communication with other people, and about herself, comes across louder than anything else she tries to say. She inadvertently paints herself as an increasingly shallow person who desires men to make her feel better about herself, while at the same time screaming "girl power," without actually examining the discrepancy between those thoughts.
She casts judgment without understanding why, such as on vegans, bisexuals, midwesterners, Portlanders, and open relationships. Never does she examine why she would feel derisive, but expects people to understand her without her trying to understand them. She is the worst kind of hypocrite, as she lacks the self-awareness to realize that she is doing exactly what she demonizes other people for doing.
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74 of 93 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars More pathetic than funny, February 24, 2010
By 
The Observationalist (New York, New York United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
Oh dear. I really did want to like this book but I just couldn't find anything to like.

I had heard it was a must-read for any woman who's ever been single in NY. Um....no. What I took away from this is that Julie Klausner is a deeply insecure woman with major self-esteem issues who made terrible choices because she was so desperate to be "loved".

I had heard it was funny. I think the potential was there but the author tries SO hard to show us how hilarious she is that she ends up tripping all over herself to create a wordy mess. Editor?

I had heard it was clever. Guess that depends on your definition of clever. I suppose if you feel it's clever to beat your reader over the head with arcane pop culture references or trot out the over-played gay best-friend character (with predictable smugness) you'll think this is clever.

Ugh. When I finished this book (and that in itself was a feat as I was tempted to hurl it under a subway on more than one occasion) I felt vaguely disgusted and sad. Women of the world: you are better than this.
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20 of 24 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Amusing If Shrill, December 7, 2011
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
Julie Klausner is primarily a comedienne, and therefore, the book isn't so much a series of stories but of sketches. And each one of them is about a loser guy who breaks Julie's heart after she (ohhh, nooo, not again!) jumps into bed with him, despite knowing better. I have nothing against women who have a healthy sexual appetite but by the middle of the book even Julie is admitting that she's not getting any pleasure-- either physical or emotional-- out of these arrangements. They seem done almost purely out of habit and a natural inclination towards light sadomasochism. The guys are all one dimensional idyuts (according to Julie) and she makes fun of them with a kind of over-the-top screechy insistence that most of them don't even warrant. One guy mentions he likes Burning Man so Julie slaps her knees and points and hollers to the reader, "Can it get any worse???" Well, actually, it probably could. All of the guys come in for this type of hooting and snorting, no matter if they seem to deserve it or not. The majority commit no greater crime than not quite having their lives together (as Julie doesn't either) and not wanting to have a relationship with Julie. Julie, for her part, doesn't seem to want relationships with them either. She just doesn't like the men being the first to call it quits. (She complains bitterly when men don't return an email or text, but then blithely reports committing the same acts when she herself isn't interested in someone.) That said, I kept reading the book, often into the wee hours, because despite the increasingly shrill depictions of these "loser men," Julie is, for the most part, a very talented writer and she does have a certain raw power and joie de vivre in her prose. I would have liked for her to add a little psychoanalyzation to her depictions: Why does she repeatedly have sex with men she cares nothing for and often isn't even attracted to? Why is she repeatedly hurt by men when she doesn't even seem to like them very much? But Julie is not the analytical kind, unless she is telling us why she doesn't like musicians, while simultaneously doing virtually nothing but chasing musicians. The book could have benefited greatly from a little emotional depth, some soul-searching, and some compassion for these men- who seemed just as lost and lonely as she was, if not as articulate. But the book is what it is, and if you enjoy the kind of raunchy bad date stories that are usually told over a few Margaritas with your girlfriends, then you'll like this book.
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10 of 11 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Extremely disappointing memoir..., March 21, 2013
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
I was looking forward to reading this book; I put it on hold with the digital library until it became available to read. I sat down looking forward to a funny, insightful book by what I thought was a woman with a sarcastic, self-deprecating wit! What I got was a disgusting sexual "tell-all" that wasn't funny, wasn't insightful, and definitely was not self-aware! Julie is like many other memoir writers I've read - she grew up in a privileged upper middle class home, had a loving mother and father, and takes every bit of it for granted without any self-awareness that not everyone - in fact, the majority of people in the world do not have her good fortune.

I was at first a little taken aback by her early interest in the act of sex - not love, not romance, but just lust and sex. I realized she was very different from me in that respect, but that didn't bother me in itself, I thought it would provide an insight into her behavior. However, she NEVER outgrows that look at sex as a animal act that she looks at from a disapproving and slanted point of view. Her crude language isn't the problem, it's how she uses it to demean men (and women). Sex should be wonderful and exciting - if it's not, then don't do it. No one was holding a gun to her head to commit these sexual acts with the men she chased. She only has herself to blame for her banal lifestyle. If she is looking for a real relationship, or great sex - she's looking in all the wrong places, and choosing all the wrong partners.

The other problem with the book is her stereotyped views of the people and world around her. Again, I don't want to sound as close-minded as she is, but as a young privileged, educated, Jewish woman, is she really that naïve and condescending about people from different races, sexual orientation, geographic location, and socio-economical circumstances? There are millions of young women (and men) in this world today who would love to have to opportunities and the comfortable lifestyle she has inherited from a loving family. Instead of using her good fortune to help the world become a better place, she runs around like a promiscuous princess sleeping with men and then criticizing them.

How depressing and disgusting...after a few chapters, I decided I didn't want to waste my time finishing this trite nonsense. Plus, the images of her sexual exploits were beginning to annoy me - and I didn't want any more of those images floating around in my brain.

Julie Klausner...grow up and use your talent to enrich the world - not exploit it from your privileged tower.
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9 of 10 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Bad is my title for this book review, January 15, 2012
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
This book had so much potential but just like a deflating balloon it ran out of air to keep afloat. I only finished this book because I am not a quitter and I like to stick with things and also I love girl memoirs. I love crass female comedians that have that "tell it like it is" attitude and I really thought Julie was going to take it home for me on this one. There were about 3 really funny and very smart sentences that were worthy enough for a facebook status update or possibly a tweet. With every turn of the page I was just hoping it would get better and funnier. Reading this book gave me same feeling I experience when I eat really healthy and awesome for one day, skip the adult beverages and even go to bed early only to wake up to weigh myself on the scale, to have gained a pound instead. I know the reality is that some miraculous weight drop wasn't going to happen but yet I still feel let down and sort of bummed out. I also noticed that she pokes fun of the Pacific Northwest and makes judgements about Portlanders only to admit later on her book that she has never even been to this part of the country. This is like me talking trash on Iceland and Icelanders when I have never even flown over Iceland let alone even been to Iceland. I am just not sure why a smart gal such as Julie would talk bad on something to only look like a donkey by admitting that she doesn't even have any credibility to talk trash in the first place. I am also not a proofreader, far from to be very honest but if I could notice quite a few errors in typesetting, capitalization, grammar and even a whole word omitted from a sentence this is bad news and Julie should fire her proofreader and have a long chat with her publisher.

If you have read everything there is to read and have an extreme amount of time on your hands and not a thing to do, not even pick your butt or nose then go ahead and read this book.
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38 of 49 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Disappointment, August 16, 2010
I wanted to like this book and, as I was reading it, tried to force myself to do so. Try as I might, I could not get past the fact that Klausner here just isn't funny. Her jokes are hackneyed, her characterizations of others, be they vegans, midwesterners, or "mousy" women, full of cliches and fit only for a Jay Leno monologue. Worse, Klausner just isn't likable. Her personality is grating and much of this book reads as a sort of "YOU REJECTED ME SO NOW I'M GOING TO MAKE FUN OF YOU IN PRINT TAKE THAT TEE HEE I WIN!" project.

Do not buy this book. Pick up Sloane Crosley instead. She is actually talented.
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17 of 21 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Simply Awful, April 16, 2011
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The most boring book of random sexual encounters possible. The author is irritating, and above all else - not funny at all. The book has no cohesive structure, and when I was finished, I still wasn't sure what point she was trying to make other than she's as much of a loser as the men she sleeps with.

I wouldn't waste my time.
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5 of 6 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars I Don't Care About How Much You Hate Men, December 28, 2012
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
No one can argue that Julie Klausner is an intelligent, extremely gifted, clever lady with anecdotes for days about her dating follies, or should I say foibles. Having my own series of comical dating missteps, there were plenty of times throughout this book that I could completely identify and I laughed heartily at her sassy quips. But then, she takes unexpected turns down dark alleys and gets reeeealllllly candid; it gets twisted and uncomfortable and I can't wait until she redirects out of her hate rant. Hey, I have horror stories too, but hers seem out of place in this mostly comedic account of her dating life. Sometimes it is downright painful to listen to the jabs she takes at her (likely unwitting) suitors, but more troubling is comprehending the self-inflicted jeopardy she routinely deposited herself in. I guess I appreciate her utter honesty, but I can't decide if all of it should have been contained in one book; it can be jarring. The thing that bugged me the most was her abhor and contempt for the men she loved so quickly, and then turned on like a viper when things didn't work out quite like she planned. She was such a WILLING victim, I feel a good portion of the poop soup was made with her own hands. At the end of the day, love is worth it, if you stop picking the low-hanging fruit and realize you can reach for more.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Hey, Maybe Your Own Life Isn't So Bad After All, July 7, 2012
By 
Deborah Burstyn (San Francisco Bay Area) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
This review is from: I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated (Paperback)
How do you feel about your romantic life past or present? No matter how cringeworthy you may rate some of your escapades, Julie Klausner is going to make you feel a whole lot better. Read about her serial entanglements with users and losers for an instant boost to your own self esteem. And an inward chuckle or two at her funny way with words.
"He walked me home after splitting the check, which was lame because the idea was that it was my birthday dinner, and when we got to my building, he asked to come upstairs. I was about to politely refuse when he begged to use my bathroom. My bathroom! Do people still use that to get laid? "Please let me come upstairs for sex? " No. All right, how about this: Please let me come upstairs to move my bowels. Yeah! That's more like it! Let the boning commence!"
After a somewhat overly long and meandering beginning , covering her overly promiscuous high school years, Klausner moves from Long Island to Manhattan. Let the boning commence.
No Mr. Big in a limo swings the door open. No grinning Prince Charming reveals he's the heir apparent to the family goldmines after he's bended his knee and proffered a Tiffany box. Nope. This is a gritty reality check courtesy of comedienne Julie Klausner. In a back to the future kind of way, Klausner has more in common with 1973's lovelorn "Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York" than with the glitzy Sex and the City girls of more recent decades.
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