I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better [Paperback]

Gary Lundberg (Author), Joy Lundberg (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 1, 2000

In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends.

"Splendid . . . Powerfully teaches the concept of human validation and helps empower others to be responsible."--Stephen R. Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Based on Gary Lundberg's work in family and relationship counseling, this revised version of a self-published work wisely maintains the deliberately simple narrative voice of the original. The authors call for "validation," a powerful technique for improving one-on-one communication that involves careful, empathetic listening to another person's feelings without judging, criticizing or attempting to solve his or her problems. The authors demonstrate this technique's startling effectiveness in a variety of situations and provide readers with valuable coaching and specific responses, cautioning that authentic validation is grounded in respect and honesty, or else it might be seen as manipulation. The Lundbergs include many recognizable examples from their workshop practice and from their experience as parents of five. Some sample situations may be resolved a bit too easily for some tastes, but even the most jaded reader is bound to learn from the material, which holds special appeal for parents of young children. Anyone who has been confronted with a spouse or a child who had a bad day, a cranky customer, colleague or demanding relative stands to benefit from the Lundbergs' advice. Author tour.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

About the Author

Gary B. Lundberg is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.
Joy Saunders Lundberg has published numerous magazine articles, illustrated poetry pieces centered around the family, and written lyrics to more than 200 songs. Currently she writes scripts for a syndicated worldwide radio and TV program.

Product Details

• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Penguin (Non-Classics) (May 1, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0140286438
• ISBN-13: 978-0140286434
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.1 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (43 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #29,774 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

42 of 43 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Takes A Real Load Off My Mind!! Thank You!, November 4, 2000

By 

Craig Waldron (Sandy, Utah) - See all my reviews

This review is from: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better (Paperback)

After trying to solve others problems, encourage them, give them advice, no matter how great I thought they were, this book awakened me to the idea of letting others come up with their own answers and how I could stop allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated. I feel like I have just come out of a coma in this area.

Until now I never understood what people really wanted when they started unloading their feelings and problems to me. They didn't want me to solve their propblems or fix their lives, they simply wanted their feelings validated so they could then come up with their own solutions. For me this is the most valuable information I have found in the last 15 years.

The applications for use of this information are unlimited. I was speaking with a very successful collections agent. As we were talking, the subject of validating people's feelings came up. She told me that this was her secret to collecting on accounts that no one else had been able to.

For me the possiblities for applications of these concepts in all of my personal and business relationships is fantastic.

Thank you Gary & Joy

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Validation has changed my life, July 27, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better : Six Practical Principles to Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships (Hardcover)

Validation has changed my life. I have just finished reading "You Don't Have To Make It All Better", It is one of those "I'd wished I'd know it then", things. I have a difficult 17 year old, validation has literally given us back a relationship. I also taught the concept to my 21 year old son and his girlfriend in their struggling relationship. I saw a difference in their attitudes over night. I can't begin to share with you all the stories that validation has given to me. Thank you so much for your efforts in writing the book and bringing to light what I have found to be truth.

19 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Best Relationship Book I've Ever Read!, May 2, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better : Six Practical Principles to Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships (Hardcover)

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better, the title caught my eye as I browsed through an airport bookstore. The first thought that came to my mind was, "I wish that were true." At the time I was heavy with personal and relationship issues and the title made me curious so I bought the book. As I read this book over the next couple of days issues in my relationships became amazingly clear. I kept thinking, "Yes, yes, this is it! This is what I need to be applying in my marriage and in all my relationships!" Each page seemed incredibly simple and practical and, at the same time, profound and powerful. As I took in the content, I first thought about myself and my relationships, especially my relationship with my wife and kids. Then I thought about everyone I knew and worked with. I have worked with people one on one and in small groups for the past 18 years, and I kept thinking, "Everyone needs this book!" The principles in this book hit right at the heart of relationships. The Lundbergs insightfully reveal that all of us need to know that we are of worth, that we matter to those around us. We all want to be valued and listened to. However most people don't feel listened to. Most of us don't listen well to others, even the people we love the most. Instead of listening most of us tend to think about our own situation or problems, or we begin to formulate well meaning "advice" we can give to "fix" that person. In so doing we inevitably invalidate that person and begin a process of negative relating for everyone involved. In contrast, the Lundbergs present 6 very simple, practical principles that, when applied, will empower the people and relationships we care about. In a nutshell they practically demonstrate that when we listen - when we truely listen to those we care about, without becoming defensive or thinking about how to "fix" them, we in essence validate them. When people feel validated they are empowered to solve their own struggles and problems with you walking beside them. My wife had told me for years that I did not "validate" her experience, her emotions, her opinions. After reading this book I finally knew what she meant. I meant well by trying to encourage and give advice, but I had never truely listened to her. Once I began applying the principles in this book I felt freed up from always trying to "fix" her and she felt empowered and respected more fully by me. In the work that I do I have literally read 100's of books in the past 18 years - most of them dealing with relationships and leadership. This is the best book I have read on either topic! Get this book, read it, apply it, and share it with others! Dan Christensen