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I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships Hardcover – April 1, 1999


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Soul Shifts
There are pivotal moments in the lives of all seekers when we realize that we’ve been traveling on our path of growth toward happiness and ful­fillment, but, simply put, we want to go faster.
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Product Details

  • Age Range: 1 and up
  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Viking Adult; X-Library - 1st edition (April 1, 1999)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0670884855
  • ISBN-13: 978-0670884858
  • Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 1.1 x 8.7 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (82 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #249,471 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Based on Gary Lundberg's work in family and relationship counseling, this revised version of a self-published work wisely maintains the deliberately simple narrative voice of the original. The authors call for "validation," a powerful technique for improving one-on-one communication that involves careful, empathetic listening to another person's feelings without judging, criticizing or attempting to solve his or her problems. The authors demonstrate this technique's startling effectiveness in a variety of situations and provide readers with valuable coaching and specific responses, cautioning that authentic validation is grounded in respect and honesty, or else it might be seen as manipulation. The Lundbergs include many recognizable examples from their workshop practice and from their experience as parents of five. Some sample situations may be resolved a bit too easily for some tastes, but even the most jaded reader is bound to learn from the material, which holds special appeal for parents of young children. Anyone who has been confronted with a spouse or a child who had a bad day, a cranky customer, colleague or demanding relative stands to benefit from the Lundbergs' advice. Author tour.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.

About the Author

Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Together with his wife, writer, speaker, lyricist and poet Joy Saunders Lundberg, they co-host a weekly radio show on relationships (Morning with the Lundbergs) and present seminars and workshops around the country. They are the parents of five children.
Joy Saunders Lundberg is a writer and speaker. Together with her husband Gary Lundberg she presents seminars and workshops throughout the country and cohosts a weekly radio show on relationships. The parents of five children, they live in Provo, Utah. Meet them on their Web site at www.allbetter.net.

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
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See all 82 customer reviews
It was an easy read.
Karen Levine
It helped me learn how to validate others feelings and how to listen to what others are saying as well as getting in touch with myself.
sunshine62
Great examples of validation and how it can change your life and your relationships!
MAR

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

55 of 56 people found the following review helpful By Craig Waldron on November 4, 2000
Format: Paperback
After trying to solve others problems, encourage them, give them advice, no matter how great I thought they were, this book awakened me to the idea of letting others come up with their own answers and how I could stop allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated. I feel like I have just come out of a coma in this area.
Until now I never understood what people really wanted when they started unloading their feelings and problems to me. They didn't want me to solve their propblems or fix their lives, they simply wanted their feelings validated so they could then come up with their own solutions. For me this is the most valuable information I have found in the last 15 years.
The applications for use of this information are unlimited. I was speaking with a very successful collections agent. As we were talking, the subject of validating people's feelings came up. She told me that this was her secret to collecting on accounts that no one else had been able to.
For me the possiblities for applications of these concepts in all of my personal and business relationships is fantastic.
Thank you Gary & Joy
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27 of 27 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 2, 1999
Format: Hardcover
I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better, the title caught my eye as I browsed through an airport bookstore. The first thought that came to my mind was, "I wish that were true." At the time I was heavy with personal and relationship issues and the title made me curious so I bought the book. As I read this book over the next couple of days issues in my relationships became amazingly clear. I kept thinking, "Yes, yes, this is it! This is what I need to be applying in my marriage and in all my relationships!" Each page seemed incredibly simple and practical and, at the same time, profound and powerful. As I took in the content, I first thought about myself and my relationships, especially my relationship with my wife and kids. Then I thought about everyone I knew and worked with. I have worked with people one on one and in small groups for the past 18 years, and I kept thinking, "Everyone needs this book!" The principles in this book hit right at the heart of relationships. The Lundbergs insightfully reveal that all of us need to know that we are of worth, that we matter to those around us. We all want to be valued and listened to. However most people don't feel listened to. Most of us don't listen well to others, even the people we love the most. Instead of listening most of us tend to think about our own situation or problems, or we begin to formulate well meaning "advice" we can give to "fix" that person. In so doing we inevitably invalidate that person and begin a process of negative relating for everyone involved. In contrast, the Lundbergs present 6 very simple, practical principles that, when applied, will empower the people and relationships we care about.Read more ›
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24 of 24 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on July 27, 1999
Format: Hardcover
Validation has changed my life. I have just finished reading "You Don't Have To Make It All Better", It is one of those "I'd wished I'd know it then", things. I have a difficult 17 year old, validation has literally given us back a relationship. I also taught the concept to my 21 year old son and his girlfriend in their struggling relationship. I saw a difference in their attitudes over night. I can't begin to share with you all the stories that validation has given to me. Thank you so much for your efforts in writing the book and bringing to light what I have found to be truth.
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16 of 16 people found the following review helpful By Kristen Hudson on January 28, 2000
Format: Hardcover
I am not one to read self-help type of books, but upon special recommendation I read this one. I am SO GLAD I did. Joy and Gary have hit upon the very nerve of all realationships, giving us invaluable tools to improve damaging relationships, and enrich good ones. As I have applied the six principles discussed in the book there has been greater wisdom and joy in my home, and more peace in my own mind. My goal now is to keep these steps in practice, and by example teach them to my children thus helping them enjoy thier lives all the more. Contention disappears, and stress lessens when these steps are applied. There isn't a person alive who couldn't use the great benefits of this book.
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17 of 18 people found the following review helpful By "audreyyates" on December 11, 2001
Format: Paperback
I am often skeptical of self-help books, anticipating that they may be too simplistic, but this one did not fall into this group. The authors take care in their presentation of ideas, and while it is simple, accessible, and conversational, it is well-thought out, caring, and well-presented. I learned to validate others' feelings rather than feeling compelled to correct the person or the problem. While I am not a dramatically changed person, which few books can hope for, I do expect that the book helped these ideas sink in. My 3 stars is a postive rating: I save 4 and 5 for special cases.
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13 of 13 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 28, 2002
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This book is great.
Easy to read, practical, with very concrete advice that WORKS immediately!
You can start applying the suggestions right away and reap the benefits.
It worked with my 3 year old son and my 60 year old father. It's going to really enhance the relationship I have with my son.
No kidding! Depending on your personality type, if you are experiencing some stress & communication problems in your relationships, buy this book right away. It could do miracles for you too.
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