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You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One Hardcover – December 27, 2005

40 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

If you're always walking on eggshells around your partner, Stosny is writing for you. The CompassionPower founder and relationship expert draws examples and exercises from his experience working with couples as he discusses core values, anger management, power struggles and reconstruction. Resentment is Stosny's main target (not possible underlying depression, anxiety or other factors). The approach may provide false hope if the reader's reality is too complex for self-help, but it could also foster important life changes. (Jan. 10)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

About the Author

Steven Stosny, PhD, has treated more than 4,000 people for various relationship problems through CompassionPower, the organization he founded and has directed for more than twelve years. His textbook, Treating Attachment Abuse: A Compassionate Approach, set a new standard for understanding and treating family abuse and is widely used in therapeutic settings in the United States and abroad. Dr. Stosny has authored many articles and chapters in professional books and has been quoted by, or been the subject of articles in, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Washington Times, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, The Wall Street Journal, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Mademoiselle, Women's World, O: The Oprah Magazine, Psychology Today, AP, Reuters, and USA Today. He has also appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show and other national television shows.

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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 384 pages
  • Publisher: Free Press (December 27, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0743284690
  • ISBN-13: 978-0743284691
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 1.4 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (40 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #358,054 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

100 of 105 people found the following review helpful By KPO on March 7, 2006
Format: Hardcover
Steven Stosny's book and Boot Camp program are a life changing event. I am a stubborn Marine with 45+ years of doing things one way, without compassion. It clearly wasn't working and I knew it. I have been working on changing for more than 20 years. While working through this program I experienced an epiphany that has opened a floodgate of positive change in my life. As a result of Steven Stosny, this book and his programs, my life will never be the same.

If you are a man, and you have the guts to admit that what you are doing isn't working this book and actively pursuing the program outlined in it will change you for the better.
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84 of 90 people found the following review helpful By someone on June 11, 2008
Format: Hardcover
I read this book twice and then also summarized some key points (as it was a library book). Overall, the message I took away (as the person who is walking on eggshells) is that it is only up to me to stop being angry and resentful for what my spouse did to me (emotional abuse), and it was up to me to start my own healing. Maybe that sounds like common sense, but I guess I never was fully aware that I can stop the anger and resentment I felt after I learned he knew he was being abusive to me the whole time. Maybe that was just the next emotion to come out when you are no longer putting your energies into walking on eggshells.

The other big thing I took away was that you can build up your own core value, which in turn will protect you from dings/dents from other people. I don't think I ever really internalized the words/messages from my spouse, which is probably why I didn't waste many precious years with him (nor do we have children). I never thought I was those things he said to me. Yes, he still saddened and disappointed me with his behavior and views on me. But still building up your core value will only be beneficial to you and help you do what is in the best interests for yourself.

What I did not get is how exactly you valuing yourself more would cause, in turn, for your spouse to treat you with more value. When I did most of the things he talked about, this actually made the abuse worse. Some of the worse months were when I truly believed I deserved to be treated better and acted so. And then handing him a book to read? HA! I guess Stosny did say at one point you'd have to leave in order to get him to fully realize. Unfortunately I left because I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore, and all the love was killed.
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74 of 79 people found the following review helpful By Supermom2010 on August 9, 2006
Format: Hardcover
I have read many books on emotional abuse and this book, by far, is the best. Dr. Stosny must have been a fly on our wall over the last 25 years to be able to reiterate "verbatim" some of the conversations and events that have happened in our home.

As a woman, I highly recommend this book for other women who either know they're being emotionally abused, or have that gnawing feeling deep down inside that tells them something just isn't right about their relationship.

Dr. Stosny provides you with insight into your situation, and a Boot Camp section for your husband/boyfriend to go through. He also provides advice on what to do if either party is unwilling to go through the process. Make no mistake - this is NOT a quick fix. The abuser must come to terms with the fact that the recovery process may take years to complete. But things can still get much better than they are now very quickly.

Ultimately, this book provided me with much needed peace of mind by showing me that I wasn't crazy to think that life HAD to better than this, and that I didn't have to live this way. If you are in this situation, or know someone who is and if you love them, PLEASE buy this book. It will be the greatest thing you could ever give them.
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39 of 40 people found the following review helpful By Diane Nicholson on January 9, 2006
Format: Hardcover
Dr. Stosny has the ability to make complex concepts understandable. Better yet, he has the ability to show others how to apply the principles he teaches! This book is a warm, hope-filled testimony to the power of compassion, and a catalyst for changing lives. I like the fact that it doesn't take two to begin the healing process in a relationship -- you can begin today, with or without your spouse or significant other. No more waiting for him or her to change, no more feelings of being held hostage emotionally, no more hopelessness. This is a book worth reading whether you need it for yourself, or want to recommend it to others.

Diane Nicholson, MA

Springhill Center for Family Development
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47 of 50 people found the following review helpful By K. Fennimore on January 9, 2008
Format: Hardcover
I bought this book shortly after my wife had had enough of my angry, resentful and emotionally abusive behavior. I had recognized my problem behavior and been to counseling for years but it did not work. I was even taking medication in order to change my behavior and save my marriage - again, it did not help. When I bought the book, my marriage was over but I was still looking to improve myself for my children. I had to do something or my children would grow up hating me. I read the book and it was like a light went on. I understood where the anger came from, why it was so hard to control and why the endless counseling sessions never helped. I had a sense of hope I had never had before.

I started the HEALS exercises right away and within a week I could feel a difference. I attended one of Dr. Stosny's Boot Camps - it was amazing. The insight into relationships that I learned was incredible. After two weeks of doing the HEALS I felt amazing. I felt a sense of calmness and a sense of control (over myself) that I had never felt before. I was actually happy, deep down inside.

It has been a difficult road but my wife and I are back together and doing well. I still have my moments of anger but they are very few and far between. Practicing HEALS on occasion helps.

I cannot say enough positive things about this book. This book and Dr. Stosny have changed my life and I thank God for bringing both of them into my life. If you are an abuser or feel you are being abused (i.e., walking on eggshells) PLEASE buy this book and get the help you deserve. If you're not sure, click on the "Search Inside" and look at the Excerpt Section. Take the "Walking on Eggshells Quiz" and see how many times you'd check the "Most of the time".
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