Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others [Paperback]

Kelly Bryson (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: October 2002

Don't Be Nice, Be Real! is a lively, light approach to a deadly serious subject-our lives. It combines humor, radical wisdom, and new culture spirituality to teach the mechanics and spirit of Nonviolent Compassionate Communication to cure "Niceitis," a hereditary disease. The author has shown that nonviolent communication works wonders, in even the roughest of situations. He's used it with street gangs in San Diego, combined groups of Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland, Palestinians and Israelis in the Middle East, and among the Croats, Serbs, and Muslims of the Balkans during the Bosnian war. PTA meetings, business conflicts and marital custody battles call all be utterly transformed by these techniques.This book takes us from behind the wall of culturally conditioned niceness, providing us with the tools we need for self-responsible, non-judgmental, clear and conscious honesty.

--This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Kelly Bryson is a family therapist with a long-standing practice in Non Violent Communication (NVC). He is a genuine model for the methods he advocates. He practices in California and in Europe, and touches many people each year as a speaker and performer at conferences and events. --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

Product Details

• Paperback: 340 pages
• Publisher: Author's Publishing (October 2002)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0972002804
• ISBN-13: 978-0972002806
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (31 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #216,645 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

30 of 32 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A must read, part of the NVC trilogy., June 18, 2004

By 

Frederic Guerin (Montreal, Quebec Canada) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others (Paperback)

As soon as I finished reading the book, I wanted to reread it right away, which I did. It fits in my top 10, side by side with other books on the same subject: Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and Stop Being Nice, Be True by Thomas d'Ansembourg (in french: Cessez d'etre gentil, Soyez vrai!). At first, when I saw the title of Bryson's book I was afraid it could be a kind of plagiarism of d'Ansembourg's book, since the titles are so much alike. But my concerns were soon dissipated after reading a few pages. This third book is purely a distinctive essay and an astonishing marvel like the other two. It makes its way using a totally different prose, delivering a mean to grasp NVC from a totally different perspective. Bryson puts it down in a colorful language and a wealth of provocative ideas and imaginative ways of thinking. Bryson also departs from the other two because he wants and likes to play with words and language. Thus his book is also an artwork. I had a hard time at first since I am not accustomed to this kind of writing, but it was such a blessing when I finally got to it. Bryson also likes to say what he thinks, which makes it a lively book, and which enables him to talk about what goes on in his head and heart. This also is a departure from established conventions, and I believe it is a deep source of insight into our own way of beeing. It is also congruent with what he teaches: to be real, open and vulnerable, taking the risk to disclose our self.

Alas the book has many typos. I like to imagine that Bryson made it intentionaly to refrain from beeing perfect. Also, the last two chapters talk about how today's society is bad compared to ancient ones. But I just don't agree with that. Then he stabs men for being violent and promotes women's values. Well this could be an issue in USA, but not quite here in Eastern Canada. Sure men a more prone to be agressive than women almost everywhere in the world, but after all what counts is how this agressivity gets expressed. Men are men and women, women. Then he talks a lot about religion's power. Again an issue in USA but not here. So I wasn't much impressed by these last two chapters. But anyway, this book is still a goldmine to me, the last two chapters simply being veins of lead instead of gold. Of course this applies to me here and now and may not apply to you there and then.

It is certainly an absolute must for whoever is interested in the subject. Enjoy!

25 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Handbook for Practical Nonviolent Communication and More, September 27, 2006

By 

O. Brown "Ms. O. Khannah-Brown" (Twopeas, WA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others (Paperback)

*****
This book is a practical handbook for applying Nonviolent Communication methods. However, it covers far more than this, and in an entertaining way, rife with good examples. Enlightened selfishness (resulting in actually being more loving to others instead of less loving to them), spirituality, meaningful relationships, blaming, fair fighting, empathy, motivation, compassion, mindfulness, therapy, our American culture, sexuality, violence, war, negotiation, and more are covered.

To testify to the excellence of this book, there are endorsements from John Gray, Mitch Albom, Alan Cohen, and many other authors and others. The forward was written by Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication. It is an atypical book that not everyone will appreciate, because it is unorthodox and non-traditional. It is one of my favorite books ever because of the originality of the ideas presented, the freshness of the examples, and its re-readability.

If you are not familiar with Nonviolent Communication, you will still get a great deal out of this book (and probably want to learn more!). If you are interested in peace and justice, you will enjoy it. If you are interested in dramatically bettering your relationships, you will enjoy it. If you are interested in developing a more compassionate spirituality, you will enjoy it. If you are a student of A Course in Miracles, you will really, really enjoy it.

One of my favorite parts of the book is a chapter about a "new religion" called "Non-Rushin' Unorthodoxy"---a testimony to not rushing, being present, enjoying our time. I really enjoyed the author's humorous and passionate styel.

The style of the book is narrative, and it's only real flaw is that it covers such a wide array of topics that it's hard to find things, to refer back to things since there is no index. I overcame this by book marking, highlighting, underlining---the subject matter is worth it.

If you are interested in any of the above topics, I would highly recommend this book. If you see yourself as mainstream, conventional, not really interested in challenging any of your beliefs, and definitely not interested in the topics the book is about, you'd probably be better off passing on it.
*****

15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting book w many good ideas...., April 24, 2007

By 

Patrick D. Goonan "see profile for URL" (Livermore, CA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others (Paperback)

I found this to be an interesting book about NVC and how one can honor his or her own personal needs. It covers a lot of the ground already present in the NVC literature, but it has more of a focus on not being co-dependent.

The author is passionate and it a bit to much in my opinion. In places, it seems like he is sermonizing rather than inviting or persuading the reader into trying on new ways of communicating.

For me, this book was a mixed bag. It has many very good ideas and even pearls of wisdom. However, it wasn't as well-organized as I would like and there seemed to be a lot of unnecessary or unhelpful examples. In tone, it seemed to be somewhat like a sales pitch rather than what I would expect from this type of self-help book.

If you have read a lot of the NVC literature, you may find Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life to be an even better read. However, "Don't Be Nice, Be Real" does have some valued-added material that makes it worth taking a look at. If you are a pleaser or helper, you may find it quite refreshing in it's direct and straightforward style for dealing with these types of situations or circumstances.