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Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years Paperback – July 5, 2011


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Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years + Letting Go (Fifth Edition): A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years + You're On Your Own (But I'm Here If You Need Me): Mentoring Your Child During the College Years
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 384 pages
  • Publisher: Golden Guides from St. Martin's Press; Second Edition, Revised edition (July 5, 2011)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0312573642
  • ISBN-13: 978-0312573645
  • Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 7.6 x 1 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.5 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (21 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #165,996 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Parenting a college-bound student is a tricky business--combining your emotional and financial support with your child's newfound independence can seem nearly impossible. The authors of Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money are all too familiar with these difficulties and have created a practical guide that addresses specific situations and provides effective guidelines for changing the parent-child relationship. Topics are addressed frankly, and many parents may have trouble reading the sections concerning controversial subjects such as drug and alcohol use, birth control, homosexuality, and changes in religious and political beliefs. The emphasis here is not on changing your kid's mind about any of these things, but rather how parents can approach these sensitive topics while maintaining a positive and honest relationship. Most pages contain small text boxes highlighting what's on your mind and what's on your child's mind, as well as practical lists suggesting what to do and what to avoid, and these can be extremely helpful as a quick reference when faced with a sudden announcement from your student who's decided to change majors, stop living in the dorm, or study abroad.

With a down-to-earth tone and clear insight into the minds of both parents and college students, this is an easy-to-read book that manages to handle difficult topics without preaching or downplaying important events. Ultimately, this book aims to help parents and their nearly adult children make the transition to a new kind of relationship, ideally one that is open and mutually respectful. With careful reading and consideration, the suggestions presented will help create a handy road map to lead you through the twists and turns of parenting your college student. --Jill Lightner --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Kirkus Reviews

This concrete, easy-to-use guide is designed to help anxious parents support and understand their newly fledged children as they weather the slings and arrows of the first year of college. Johnson (Assistant Dean of Students/Cornell) and Schelhas-Miller (Adolescent Development/Cornell) possess decades of professional experience as college counselors, and their easy expertise is obvious. Despite glib overtones--the work at times reads like a transcript from a Power Point talk given at a generic freshman orientation--the authors address difficult issues with varying degrees of success. Certain basic assumptions--parental acceptance of teen sex (even to the point of providing off-to-college birth control pills) and the equally underplayed acceptance of underage drinking and drugging--might be obstacles for some readers, as might gender- and class-based generalizations, such as those addressed to young women on campus and individuals who are the first in their (immigrant) family to attend college. Despite these caveats, however, most potential first-year situations--from academic probation and credit-card sprees to date rape and eating disorders--are discussed in level, clear language designed to help parents allow their children to cope. The authors' main message (that parenting style should evolve from daily caregiving to more of a mentoring relationship) is clear and consistent, and seems sane and grounded guidance.Both a useful guide and a literary security blanket, offering familiar comforts and good, solid advice in a text-dense sea of boxes, lists, and resources for further reading. -- Copyright © 2000 Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Customer Reviews

I'd highly recommend this book to any college parents.
Ellen
A very thorough book full of insights into parenting during this questionable time of your childs life.
Judy S. Durham
I highly recommend this for parents in the letting their child become an adult stage of life!!
Anne Clausen

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

41 of 41 people found the following review helpful By Judy S. Durham on March 6, 2001
Format: Paperback
After reading 4 to 5 various books similar to this topic I wished that I would have read this one first. It covers it all! A very thorough book full of insights into parenting during this questionable time of your childs life. I love the "What to Do" and "What Not to Do" sections and also the "What You Are Thinking" and "What Your Child is Thinking". My daughter is now a freshman at UF and this book was very affirming as I reflected back and found out that YES....this is NORMAL! This would of been the only book I bought and spent my time reading IF only I would have found it sooner. It will truly serve as a reference and I will keep it close at hand so I can flip through the index to find the current "crisis" explained and get insights as to how to handle. I plan on purchasing this book for graduation gifts for the parents of those children graduating from High School. It is a MUST read!
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28 of 28 people found the following review helpful By L. Ferron on April 26, 2005
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
If Dr. Spock were alive he would have approved of this book. This is one of the few good parenting books dealing with "almost adult" children not living at home. It showed me that one of the hardest things a parent has to do is to let go of active parenting (ie, telling them what to do) and adopt a posture of mentoring with their college-aged child. Why was this so hard? We do it with other adults all time. This book gave me "permission" to stop worrying about letting my child make decisions which affect her life (and not necessarily mine). Once I read the scenarios (which are all too real) and the different approaches to responses, I found myself much more comfortable with the idea of helping her to determine her own fate -- one of her choosing and not of mine. Yes, it still takes practice and yes, sometimes I am holding my tongue (and choking on my response), but our relationship is better and she is becoming her own woman instead of a mini-clone of me. Guess what? Now that I am not judgemental or authorative she is telling me so much more. Now THAT'S an improvement!
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21 of 21 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on May 30, 2000
Format: Paperback
This is a very helpful guide -- I found the organization really simple and easy to work through, and the real-life examples made it all that much clearer to me.
I've often been afraid that my kids are growing apart from me -- one's in college now, and the other will be going soon. Now I have some great ideas on how my relationship with them can change and become a true adult relationship -- without losing my little girls completely!
I recommend this one for all parents -- whether your kid is ready for college, already in college, or thinking about college in a few years. This will really help you to be a parent who can HELP your kids, instead of just pressuring them and making them feel torn apart by the big adjustment away from the family.
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17 of 18 people found the following review helpful By Jennifer Jones on May 14, 2001
Format: Paperback
As a very protective parent I wanted to read all I could about my daughters up in coming experience at college. I myself never attend college and this book gave me so much insight. I appreciate the author?s candid talk about difficult topics such as alcohol and drugs. I felt at ease after reading it. I recommend this book to everyone I know with kids heading off to college. I also purchased and read Major In Success by Patrick Combs and it was the perfect book for my daughter. Don?t Tell Me What To Do Just Send Money was a great book for me and Major In Success was perfect for my daughter. It gave her all the advice she needed to make the most of her college experience.
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15 of 16 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on August 27, 2000
Format: Paperback
Wonderful, practical advice with multiple perspectives. I have just left our son at college with the brief, dignified good-bye as suggested by the authors. Rapidly reading the next chapters in anticipation of the phone calls and visits to come. Even though this was our second child off to collge, I found the information enormously helpful. Am ordering copies for all my friends in the same situaton.
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8 of 8 people found the following review helpful By Eager Reader on October 25, 2011
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
The premise of this book seems to be: Your child is a legal adult, so don't tell him/her what to do, just send money. Yes, that's right, I felt that the book seemed to advise doing exactly as the son or daughter would prefer. I had hoped for a guide to ensuring that certain standards are met, in order to justify the flow of money. You know, like decent grades, reasonable plans for finishing on time, no wasting money on luxury purchases while Mom and Dad are sacrificing to pay tuition, etc. Instead, what I found was a guide to feeling OK about giving up those expectations. Not so useful.
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6 of 6 people found the following review helpful By Shannon Best on October 9, 2005
Format: Paperback
I found this book to be a great resource dealing with sending our first child off to college. It was helpful knowing his uncharacteristic behavior was normal, and comforting to know other parents have experienced the same. I was surprised to find not only behaviors explained, but great advise regarding the financial puzzles new to first time college parents. This book is a must for parents of college-bond children!
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful By YoMama on July 16, 2008
Format: Paperback
The authors do a thorough job of presenting just about any scenario that could possibly take place in college, good or bad. They go into great detail about what parents and students might be thinking in any given situation. I especially liked the "What to do" and "What to avoid" lists for parents. They might help stem some parental overreaction and allow cooler heads to prevail. Obviously, as evidenced by the sheer number of topics discussed, from educational to social choices, there is a lot to think - and worry - about once you've let go of your child and allowed them to start making many of their own decisions.

Drawn-out, fictional dialogue used to portray possible situations while it might help some parents to visualize events, some of us would prefer a descriptive paragraph or two instead. And, while the book is directed at kids entering college, much of the advice applies to grown kids who leave home without college as their goal.

This book offers comfort to parents, especially those whose first child is going off to college and they are having trouble letting go. In any case, it is best to be prepared for both the routine and sometimes unexpected situations as they occur, and this book does a good job of educating parents from the beginning to end. 50 Ways to Leave Your Mother
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