4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Personal Foul - Dennis Rodman, March 4, 2009
The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix (JCVD-RM)
1. Who is he? Jack Quinn, anti-terrorism expert
2. Which family member/friend must be avenged? His kidnapped wife, his unborn son
3. Does he take his shirt off? His opening scene is straight out of the shower, and into the swimming pool
4. Does he have sex with a C-List actress? How do you think his wife got pregnant?
5. Is there a tournament? No, but Dennis Rodman thinks there is
6. Is training needed for this tournament? No, but Dennis Rodman should have taken some acting classes beforehand
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament? Constantly. This might be the most splitastic of all his movies.
8. Does he punch someone in the balls? As if JCVD was attempting to sabotage this movie, he leaves out one of his classic moves.
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks? So much so that in a deleted scene he gets dizzy and pukes
10. Is his enemy unbeatable? For the role, Mickey Rourke looks buff, not tough
11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance? Just Rodman's acting
12. Does he win? As lamely as possible
Coaxed out of retirement to capture his arch-nemesis Stavros (Rourke), it's up to Quinn to ensure he is prepared with the latest weaponry. Quinn makes his way to the local source of all sexual and social deviation in Antwerp. Bikers, hippies, extreme tattoo artists and piercing specialists, trannies, hookers, body modification oddities, freaks and geeks. Naturally, he'd run into Yaz (Dennis Rodman) in a place like this. And, of course, Rodman is an exotic arms dealer, an extraterrestrial version of James Bond's trusty Q.
Now supplied with a weapon that can, "shoot the d*@k off a hummingbird", Quinn sets up Stavros in the first ever carnival sting. When the plan goes awry - not to mention the best fight ever in a hospital nursery - Quinn is sent to The Colony, a top secret, pseudo-retirement home for special agents who still monitor world events.
Ironically directed by Tsui Hard, the reason this film fails is that it tries too hard. Some nice slow-motion, Matrix-esque bullet dodging scenes, and the JCVD kicks are always classic, but there's just too much to truly enjoy. From an ATV in southern France to plutonium stolen in Croatia, from a plane shot down by the North Koreans, and on to Rome, Antwerp, etc...it's pointless for the film's progression, as if the director simply wanted to collect frequent flyer mileage. The dialogue between JCVD and Rodman is atrocious. Delivered in a completely unpleasant hiccup staccato style, it's difficult to ascertain who speaks worse English. Made worse by the insistence of inserting basketball jargon into every possible sentence, it's simply painful. And I'll only briefly mention the pathetic attempts to insert the burgeoning internet into the mix, the fact that JCVD kicks a tiger, and the insulting Coca Cola product placement at the end.
I recommend this for only the JCVD zealot.
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