Customer Reviews

Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy

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I've always believed that one's sharpest criticisms of others are really truest of oneself, and the previous reviewer of this book, Ellie Reasoner, provides a comic example of that. She said that DRAMA KINGS "set off to validate its own agenda and that's what it did." But, actually, that's what SHE did. It looks like she decided in advance what kind of book this is and then didn't bother to read it. Because actually, Dalma Heyn quite agrees with Reasoner. She doesn't remotely "expect a relationship to contain no flaws," she's not recommending trying to "change the behavior of any man," she doesn't claim that ALL men are "Drama Kings," and her bottom line, too, is, "if he's a jerk, get out of the relationship . . . ditch and move on." If you're in your 30s or 40s, strong, independent, eager to be interdependent, and DATING, you'll run into a lot of "drama kings" simply because that's what's left out there. There are plenty of great men, but naturally they're almost all taken!

To me, Heyn's work is oxygen. It's the only place I know where I can still find, in utterly contemporary form, the exhilaration I felt at the very beginning of feminism -- before it got all militant and strident and dogmatic, when it was just pure discovery, and recognition, and expression of the paralyzingly inexpressible. When it was spell-unbinding.

Heyn's first two books were about the mysterious loss of self that women in the 1980s and '90s still often experienced in their relationships with men, especially in marriage. "Marriage Shock" was about the asexual domesticity and dependency that could descend on a vital, independent young woman at the altar or soon after, and its roots in a long-ago historical moment when women's very survival came to depend on pleasing a man. "The Erotic Silence of the American Wife" was about how an affair could be, to paraphrase Kafka, the axe that shattered that frozen sea. It wasn't that the SEX in affairs was fresh and forbidden and therefore hot. It was that the SELF in affairs was natural and uncensored. What happened to women in marriage wasn't their husbands' fault. It was a kind of cultural spell that possessed and dispossessed them both.

Both books were perceived as dangerous. I remember being surprised by the wild misfit between the reviews and what was in the books. Heyn's honesty seemed to panic people to the point where they couldn't hear what she was actually saying. When "Erotic Silence" came out, she was pilloried for advocating affairs -- when what she really advocated was going into marriage with your eyes open to the danger, so you wouldn't lose yourself in the first place. With "Marriage Shock," she was attacked for encouraging women to walk out of marriage -- when all she had done was, first, point out that young women, who had already known the taste of self-possession, were in fact walking out of marriages earlier and earlier; and then, suggest that the way to save marriage was to make it hospitable to whole women.

The news in DRAMA KINGS is that women are just about past that now. They no longer give themselves up in love for much longer than a heartbeat. Instead, they try to give themselves -- huge difference! -- but often to men who are faking rather than taking, "20th-century men" who are attracted to 21st-century women's new strength yet are also driven to sabotage it. When these relationships don't work out, the women Heyn interviewed don't feel like victims. They absorb the experience and stride onward, stronger. Having loved, they're augmented rather than diminished, and readier for the reciprocal real thing if and when it comes along. If it doesn't -- well, they'll marry life!

This book is the exact opposite of all those shrill and gloomy jeremiads -- Maureen Dowd's being the latest -- about how women are paying a high price for having snatched the forbidden fruit of ambition and independence; how if you're educated and over 40 you're more likely to be struck by lightning than to find a man. "Women don't need men any more," Dal says. "They just want them." And that makes all the difference.

At first, I really thought this was going to be a great book. The female author has a great tone and tongue and cheeek way of writing but...its just "okay". It is not deserving of all of the 5-star reviews that I see on here. In a nutshell, "Drama Kings" does not provide enough info on how to identify this behavior or how to disengage yourself from such an individual. Some reviewers seem to think that contents of this book are groundbreaking -- hardly. This book is about commitment-phobic men. It is material that has been covered in a hundred or so other books. This book would be good for a book club reading as it will definitely provoke discussion, however if you are really interested in this topic, I would strongly recommend reading "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol.

"Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy" by Dalma Heyn is a great "can't put down" read, albeit a potentially uncomfortabe one for those women who are currently involved with and feel stuck in a relationship with someone who manifests the signs of a Drama King. Regardless of one's status, I believe that most, if not all women, will recognize the various syndromes, unfortunately, because they no doubt have experienced
the confusion and disappointments that accompany a relationship with a Drama King, regardless of type.

And, while delving into these issues may be neither a welcome or a pleasant diversion (far easier to just ignore the Drama King signs and hunker down with the familiar), the theories set forth in the book will give any woman with some intelligence a wake-up call in terms of evaluating her own dissatisfaction and what she can do to transform it into something positive, which for the healthy woman with self-esteem most likely would lead to termination of the relationship and moving on, whether as an independent, self-sufficient person or in a relationship with a more highly evolved man.

The book may be revolutionary in it analyses but, notwithstanding the discomfort it may potentially create, the read is well worth the effort, regardless of what a woman may elect to do in the future. In my own view, I think that Drama Kings should be read by every young woman about to embark on a relationship because it will give her the appropriate tools with which to assess a potential relationship as well as by those women who are frustrated in their attempts to make their current relationships more satisfying and meaningful. Hopefully, it will become a classic among womens' literature.

There was some great information in the last two chapters of this book. I wish it started there! There was some valid information throughout the book, but it was presented without empathy and with a feminist twist. Mind you this review is coming from a "feminist"... Too many specific anecdotes... No solutions are presented. No advice for the "right" things to look for are presented - who ISN'T a Drama King? No real answers are given - just negativity about certain types. I certainly agree with most of the opinions, but the book should have been more thorough and deeper... It had potential, with very aware and awakening ideas, but they were never opened up. I was disappointed considering I bought it after reading a great quote from it about society in O Magazine.

Ohmygosh, this book should be a class for high school girls, to save them tears and years of grief. Guys could learn from it as well, on what constitutes a "normal" relationship.

Who among us hasn't said, "She's so terrific--what what's she doing with HIM?"

Dalma Heyn has written a well-researched book about those men who come on like the "perfect man," but within months, the strong women that they have picked start to get it. These men always pick strong women because she is part of his self-fulfilling prophecy.

The book is divided into five Drama King types with stories from women the author has counseled or interviewed. The Kings are:
#1 The Visitor (comes but never really settles in--the guy who shows up for sex but never stays for intimacy);
#2 The Proprietor (who takes over, becomes possessive, etc.);
#3 The Easygoing Guy (EEG) who is fun to be with, to a point;
#4 The Hit-and-Run Lover (needs no explanation); and
#5, the Feeling-Impaired Guy (FIG), who cannot express an emotion, even if his sex life depended on it.

The single women they pick are very smart and successful--many too busy to have a full-time relationship, so initially these guys are a perfect fit.

These men are smart, cunning and calculating--and at the same time out of control of their emotions. Each King kind leaves his strong woman--and always for a reason that "fits his type."

These men are wounded and damaged, and ladies remember, it's not your job to heal them. They lack the heartbreaking ability to be what the woman wants him to be--and that is usually someone else's fault.

Each chapter ends with Tell Tale Signs; Myths About...; Why You Were Taken in; and What You Learned from Him. Reading just these parts will give you a ton of clues.

If you are single or know a woman who is, this is a book for her. Now when a girlfriend calls me with some man-related rant, I will just open the book and tell her about him.

This book is chocked full of great lines, statements of scary, scary truth. My favorite is about the easy-going guy: "Like microwaved meat, a man who is warm on the outside can be icy, even frozen, on the inside." Not a very tasty thought.

Armchair Interview says: Warning: Not ALL men fit into these Drama King categories; many men know how to have normal relationships. But IF you get hooked with one of these guys, fasten your seatbelt, lock up your wallet and credit cards, and your hearts so can come out on the other wide wiser and mostly in tact. He might just not be that into you...or anybody.

Dalma - I so enjoyed your book & just wish I had read it years ago before I got married (then divorced) from a guy who so took advantage of my strength & sapped it all out of me. Your book should be required reading for any single woman considering marriage. You were spot on! Randye Spina

Ever been in a relationship which is going nowhere, you don't know why and you just wish someone could give you some answers? Heyn's book is it! She clearly believes that there are wonderful men out there, men who want a full relationship. This book helps you see the signs of the "Drama Kings", relationships which just sap your time and energy, so you can move on and find that wonderful person who really works with you.
The book has an easy, narrative style. Each chapter focuses on a type of "Drama King", gives you examples of behavior and a quick summary of the "signs". There is an upbeat, non-judgemental tone. These are insights into men and dating you wish you'd known earlier.

This book is right on the mark with describing how to tell if the man your dating or thinking of dating is a "Drama King". Dating today is hard enough without having to date men who have no intention of working on a commited relationship. Dalma Heyn describes five different types of men who you should be wary of in the dating world. After reading the book, you should be able to easily check off the signs and characteristics of different types of men who are not willing to commit to a relationship. I know a number of women who have spent year(s) in what they believed to be a growing and committed relationship and suddenly the man proclaims that he isn't ready for a commitment. Dalma Heyn's book provides a succinct guide to signs of men who can never commit.

Some of the push-pull male behavior in Behrendt's "He's Just Not That Into You" went beyond mere disinterest and entered the realm of pathology. This book gives good insight into the crazy-making behavior patterns that are routinely encountered by women in today's dating scene.

What do I have to say about this book? A lot! What did I think of it? Let's find out.

I found some of the statistics on the percentage of Americans who never marry, who live in single-parent households, etc. mildly interesting but beyond that, I hate these types of books, have no idea why I read them when I know I'll finish up disgusted, and think it must point out some optimistic streak in me that hopes sooner or later I'll hit on one that I like as much as some of my friends who habitually read this genre do. These books peeve me because the authors invariably begin with a hypothesis and then set out to back it up by finding data to prove the point they had in mind to make. One can verify or corroborate almost anything with that approach, even the variety of would-be sexism of this treatise on scorned women whining around about how rotten men are.

Oh, please.

I'd like to ask the author how many men she's gone out with, cause she doesn't sound like she's got much "hands-on" (no pun intended) experience, just a grudge against the non-ovarian crowd. Sure she relies on "interviews with over a hundred women" but I could find a hundred women to complain about men, myself being one of them, since we all-and I mean every last one of us-have been upset, burned, done wrong by at least one man in our lives. (Or at least believe we have been.) See, I learned early on men are imperfect, but so are we. I've gone out with a modest cross section of the good and bad: some great guys but also the jealous type, the possessive type, the abusive type, the goes for jailbait type, the types you can't tell your friends and family about. One thing they all had in common was they all had good characteristics that drew me and bad traits that bugged me like nails scraped down a chalkboard. I'm still nominally single at twenty-six, so I'm either the perfect target audience for Dalma Heyn, or her worst enemy since I don't agree with her.

See, it's really relatively simple, even trite. To expect a relationship to contain no flaws is nuts and to think that by reading a book like this and getting all empowered, one can change the behavior of any man is almost as daft. Men are men. Personalities are somewhat mutable but primarily are set by the time dating rolls around. Men in their twenties and thirties today were still brought up most likely thinking they were going to be breadwinners and lords of the manor and it often changes their self-identity when women out-earn or out-manage them. So they have been known to get defensive and react. More than that, men will never totally conform to female wishes anymore than women will alter to fulfill every male fantasy on the wish list. The bullies (or "Drama Kings" love that term, I admit) Heyn spent so much time on exist, of course, and they are the kinds of guys it's just plain and simple best to get out of your life and let be, because they're beyond correction and will bring any woman involved with them loads of trouble. I had my head slammed into a wall by one in college and consider that I was lucky it wasn't worse in that relationship. And that's the bottom line---if he's a jerk, get out of the relationship. Use common sense. Don't hang with him. Listen to your instincts. Why try to alter someone when it's better to ditch and move on?

Skip this book, it's got nothing new or useful, it sets expectations beyond realism, and it wasn't even well-written. It set off to validate its own agenda and that's what it did. It also yells out at the top of its lungs, "OH PLEASE, OPRAH, NOTICE ME AND HAVE ME ON YOUR SHOW!!!" For more pragmatic relationship advice try listening to what your thrice-married Aunt Joan/Carol/Mary told you about finding someone you like whose flaws irk you the least, compromise when possible, and know that no matter what there will always be problems with the other person.

So, do I think this book was exploitive and weak and spoon fed female anger for the purpose of profit and self-aggrandizement? Now where would you get that idea?