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Dumb Jokes & Vulgar Poems [Kindle Edition]

J.A. Konrath , J. Andrew Haknort
2.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (11 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $9.95
Kindle Price: $0.99
You Save: $8.96 (90%)
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  • Length: 214 pages
  • Prime members can borrow this book and read it on their devices with Kindle Owners Lending Library.
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Burning Down George Orwell's House
Burning Down George Orwell's House
Pulitzer Prize and PEN/Faulkner Award finalist Robert Stone describes Burning Down George Orwell's House as a "… most enjoyable, a witty, original turn … one part black comedy and one part a meditation on modern life. It is well-written and truly original." Learn more about the author, Andrew Ervin

Book Description

This collection of more than one thousand raunchy jokes and funny poems, formatted especially for your Kindle, is easily the best pocket change you'll ever spend on anything, except for maybe some sort of medication that helps keep you alive.

Here are some examples of the over one thousand (did we mention there are over 1000?) gems included in this ebook:

I wrote a book about menopause, but it is hard to understand because it doesn't have any periods.

When the old gypsy cursed me, I laughed in her face. I'm not laughing now, because when she saw me laugh she beat the crap out of me.

I was addicted to nicotine gum, chewing three packs a day. So in order to ween myself off, I started smoking.

Whenever I go fishing, I'm reminded of an old girlfriend. Her name was Annette. She also had a sister, named Smallmouth Bass.

I’ll never forget what my grandfather used to say. I would sit on his lap and he would yell, “Fatty buttocks! Fatty Buttocks!” at the top of his lungs. I guess I never really understood my grandfather. My parents didn’t, either. That’s probably why they put him away.

Yes, believe it or not, there really is a blue six foot chicken named Pepé living in my bedroom closet. Either that or it’s the drugs.

It’s much easier to differentiate between a cabbage and a lettuce if you give them names, like Shelly or Jockmo.

Instead of "Mothers Day" how about "Sexy Virgins Day?" It can be nine months earlier.

I never claimed to be a genius. Well, except on that billboard I rented.

I remember Mom’s signature dish. She called it Pork Surprise. It was just a big bowl of dirt with some clumps of weeds in it. When we asked where the pork was, she’d yell: “There’s no pork... surprise!”

It's not fun watching a grown man cry. Unless you have a comfy chair to sit in, and maybe some snacks.

Besides the jokes, there is also absurdly bad poetry, such as:

I pissed,
And I missed.

No one likes,
My cousin Jeff,
He’s a nice guy,
But has bad breff.

My Grandma wears a diaper,
I really hate to wipe her.

I lost my squirrel!
I lost my squirrel!
It just fell off, now I’m a girl!

Why is it raining?
I don’t Noah.

There is a giant hog,
Who lives in my garage,
But I never see him,
Because he uses hamoflage.

Prison gave me acne,
So I broke out.

I ate the parrot,
And didn’t share it.

Mary is on the pill,
But it plagues her with doubt,
Whenever she has sex,
The pill just falls right out.

Plus hundreds more bad poems, most of them too filthy to be printed here.

So get yours today, before we jack the price up to $9.99 like all the other ebooks on Amazon. Hurry! Do it now!

Product Details

  • File Size: 316 KB
  • Print Length: 214 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0026FCI8O
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Word Wise: Not Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #330,803 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

2.5 out of 5 stars
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Not For Everyone January 21, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
But I loved it right up my odd sense of humor. Full of horrible poems and one liners with a variety of stupid topics. If the samples in the description arent your taste dont get this book because its defently for a select taste.
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5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars 1 Star Is Being Generous December 27, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I downloaded this book for free and only did that because I read "Be The Monkey" by the same author (J. Andrew Haknort is a pseudonym). I read 11% of it and couldn't hack it any more.

The best thing I can say about the book is it is aptly named. Aptly.

The jokes are dumb, but I'd hardly call the vulgarities poems. They're more like lines of sophomoric humor, and bad sophomoric humor at that. If I were to judge Konrath's writing in general on this book (and I wouldn't dare do that), then I wouldn't read another book of his even if it wasn't poetry. The prose introduction was terrible, and much too long.

I didn't laugh once while reading what I read. In fact, I growned several times. And almost fell asleep once.

As poetry, it's hackneyed drivel. Plain and simple. I honestly wonder if Konrath published this book just as a test run and forgot to take it down. Offering it as a free download makes it overpriced.
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5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars One Cent Short January 28, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Perhaps this was 99 cents well spent. Perhaps I should have added one more cent and converted it to a Dollar Bill and used that for toilet paper. I don't know what the folks read who gave this garbage any stars at all. On the other hand it is benefical to know I can disallow favorable reviews of any other products by those who liked(?) this!
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3.0 out of 5 stars Best and worst book I ever read! August 2, 2012
By TracyM
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Some of the jokes in this book are really clever! I especially liked the introduction to the book. A few members of my family are way to focused on being PC and didn't find anything humorous in this book. And I made them suffer through some of the best stuff; all I got was disapproving silence, while my brother and I laughed hysterically. Clearly, this book is not for everyone.

However, some if it was just stupid. I recommend this book because its not expensive, and some of the jokes are worth the effort of reading the truly bad stuff.
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2.0 out of 5 stars Embarrassingly bad July 29, 2014
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
Having read about a dozen or so of Konrath's books, I am quite a fan of his strange sense of humor and wit. However, I was disappointed with this collection of 'jokes'. I can laugh at almost anything, from the Three Stooges yukking it up to the likes of Neil Simon's sophisticated brand of humor, but these were, for the most part, awful. Oh, there were a handful or two that had me laughing out loud, but most were painfully unfunny, and some were even below that benchmark. Sorry, mate, but stick with thrillers!
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1.0 out of 5 stars Dumb March 5, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I read the first 10 poems and couldn't take it any more. This is the dumbest thing I have ever read. Just plain stupid. Oh, well. It was a freebie. I see that it is 99 cents now. Don't waste your money.
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More About the Author

JA Konrath is the author of eight novels in the Jack Daniels thriller series. They do not have to be read in chronologically to be enjoyed, but for those who want to know the order is: Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Fuzzy Navel, Cherry Bomb, Shaken, and Stirred.

Jack also appears in the novels Shot of Tequila, Flee, Spree, Three, Timecaster Supersymmetry, Banana Hammock, and Serial Killers Uncut, as well as the short story collection Jack Daniels Stories, and the novellas Floaters and Burners.

Last Call, the ninth Jack Daniels novel, will be available in spring of 2013.

Other novels include the thrillers Origin, The List, Shot of Tequila, and Serial Killers Uncut, as well as the science fiction Timecaster series.

Konrath writes horror under the name Jack Kilborn, including the bestsellers Afraid, Trapped, and Endurance.

Haunted House, the new Jack Kilborn novel of terror, will be available in mid 2013.

He has sold over a million ebooks

You can visit him at


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