Customer Reviews

Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills For Turning Conflict Into Cooperation

5 star:		(43)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I have read quite a few parenting books, and until recently I considered Faber & Mazlisch's books (including How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk) to be the absolute pinnacle. But if Faber & Mazlisch are like a college course in parenting, Becky Bailey's book is graduate school. I am deeply grateful to her for writing this book, and to the friend who told me, "You have to read this book! I want to load up an airplane with copies and drop them all over America!"

Unlike many parenting books which just offer tips and tricks for gaining children's compliance, Bailey's book is aimed at helping parents achieve self-control and self-discipline, so that they can then teach these skills to their children. When my friend first told me about the themes of the book, I thought, "Oh great. Just what I need--a book to make me feel bad about how out-of-control I am, how angry I feel towards my kids, how much I yell, etc." But it wasn't that way at all. Reading the chapter on "Assertiveness," for example, I realized that I do not need to feel guilty about my anger; I just needed to make a switch from saying to the children, "YOU are MAKING me furious" to saying "I feel furious when you yell in my ear. You can talk to me in a quiet voice, and I will listen." The first expression implies that children are responsible for their mother's feelings. The second lets me express my feelings, set boundaries, and give the children the information they need to make better choices.

Since reading the book, I feel better about myself and my children. It has strengthened my feelings of self-respect as well as helping me treat me children with respect. I look forward to applying my new skills in my adult relationships as well!

I highly recommend this book by Becky Bailey. It has truly changed my relationship with my preschooler and toddler and the way in which I interact with my children. I have a very challenging three year old son who is extremely determined and stubborn. Prior to reading this book and using Becky's techniques, he and I were engaged in constant power struggles. By using her techniques, we had instant success and amazing results. The non-stop power struggles are gone! For example, putting on his shoes every day was always a challenge, with me becoming angry as he refused to cooperate. After reading her book, I approached this problem differently. The next time he refused to put on his shoes, I used her techniques. I was absolutly flabbergasted when he thought for a second and then said OK and put on his shoes. I was so shocked I was speechless for a few seconds. For months, he and I had struggled daily with putting on his shoes. Just by approaching him differently the problem disappeared. My husband and I were absolutely stunned at how effective the techniques are. This book has helped me understand the reasons behind my children's misbehavior and how to appropriately react so as to make misbehavior a learning experience for my children. While my children's behavior is not perfect (of course I don't expect that from a preschooler and a toddler) we are seeing vast improvement. Most importantly, Becky's techniques are helping to teach my children the tools they need to interact succcessfully with other persons. Becky's book really ties together how different discipline skills promote certain values. This book is truly the most effective parenting book I have ever read. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

This book is not your average, every day parenting book! By using a win/win scenario, Dr. Bailey not only carves out a highly effective and user-friendly program demonstrating for parents the "seven basic skills for discipline", but she teaches us as readers how to find our own sacred selves first. This in turn teaches us as caregivers to center ourselves prior to engaging in any discipline encounter. By being brutally honest Dr. Bailey guides us through this process by giving often hilarious examples from her own life, and step-by-step procedures on how to master the "seven powers for self-control". Just when you think you have a question that Dr. Bailey has not answered, she pops up with just the scenario you had in mind and walks you through it. A whole chapter models her program with specific examples using children at different stages of development. At the end of the book, a seven-week program is mapped out in a concise and easy to follow format. I highly recommend this book for anyone who not only wants to improve their relationship with their children, (nieces, nephews, grandchildren) but who may want to improve their relationship with themselves.

This book offers an interesting concept and I can tell you from firsthand experience with my 12 year old, that what Dr. Bailey offers really does work. One of my best friends is presently reading the book and has started applying what she is reading to her parenting of her 6 year old and she is amazed. The down to earth writing style,the real life examples,the 7 week program and the "what ifs"page are helping me become the parent I want to be. I used to spank, I used to give "time out", I used to yell alot and I used to feel absolutely horrible after all of these incidents. I grew up and thought I turned out fine but after reading the book, I realized there is a better way and it's not about punishment and giving in...it's about turning times of conflict into times of teaching. I feel so much better about myself as a parent. And as a result,I am a better parent. Success breeds success, literally. I don't know how any parent could get along without Dr. Bailey's 7 basic skills of discipline. I urge every parent to buy this book. It should be in the gift basket every new Mother takes home from the hospital, tucked in with the Pampers.

As a parent, teacher and parent instructor am thrilled about this incredibly helpful publication. The most common complaint I get about discipline is "What worked for me as a child is NOT working for my children!" Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is a step-by-step process of learning new ways to unhook emotionally from your child's button pushing. It also gives the exact words to say in a variety of typical conflict situations where you usually find yourself speechless and confused. Becky has a great way of communicating because her information is easy to read and makes soooooo much sense! Becky reviews the seven components for becoming a more powerful and effective parent without acting like an emotional nut. This is a hard book to put down. You will be so thankful for this masterpiece!

This book is changing not just the style I approach my kids but the whole outlook I take on life and dealing with others. I have great confidence in where we are going with the steps Becky Bailly gives because it is not just a book about how to control your little beasts it's about pulling yourself together as a person, then helping your kids pull it together. Not just outward behavior but solid inside change. If you've read lots of parenting books and still find it hard to make real change I recommend this book for filling in the gaps, this is the missing links. If depression is an issue in your house, as it is for two of our family members, this addresses those issues as well in a real people way.

I think this book is actually more helpful as a life skills guide, especially for people-pleasers. The overall philosophy, about looking at every situation as a moment that "is what it is," about not allowing others to "make" you feel a certain way, is valuable. Who wouldn't want a guide to behaving exactly like the person you'd really like to be?

I didn't know whether Dr. Bailey had children when I read the book, but I suspected she didn't because of some of her anecdotes (she tells about stopping a mother with two young children in the stroller and explaining to the four year old that hitting his sister was making her cry). I have many years of successful teaching experience, and let me just say that having your own children is a completely different experience. As a teacher or counselor, you can structure activities and encounters that allow you to have teachable moments throughout the day, and respond calmly when things go awry. Dr. Bailey talks about moments of parental imperfection as teaching opportunities, and we'd all like to handle them that way--as graceful demonstrations of what we learned.

The delivery of this book is heavy on condescension, and assumes throughout that the reader is an ineffective parent and immature person. I'm sure there are many cases in all our lives where that is absolutely on target, but if this message were delivered with humor and empathy, the strategies would be infinitely more palatable. It is hard to sell a philosophy when you don't connect very personably to the audience, and Dr. Bailey has really set herself "above" her readers.

I do think this book has a wealth of valuable material to offer, but in future editions, it would be wiser to get some parental feedback on the writing style before they go to print. She may be right--the rest of us may be crazy. The cure will work more magically if it's offered in a more approachable, empathetic tone.

Do yourself a favor and skip this book - go buy "Raising your Spirited Child" or "Kids, Parents, and Power struggles" by Kurcinka. She covers pretty much the same type of positive parenting suggestions, but more intelligently, less judgementally, and without the continuous "Zen Parenting" "militant pacifist" ramblings. Besides, Kurcinka is more entertaining to read and just plain likable. :)

Bailey doesn't have any children, and that's the core problem with this book I think. She can work with other people's children all day long for a million years, and it won't be the same as living day to day with a precious child and coping with hard discipline situations when you've had no sleep because you've been up all night with the child, or when you have several children all clamoring for your attention all at one time, etc.

I honestly found myself *laughing out loud* at some of her suggestions - I can't see a "real" mother using these with a "real" child. Truly, a lot of what she said just seemed silly.

And Baily is VERY hard on and judgemental of any parent who has EVER done anything that is contrary to her specific method. She has no compassion for what it is REALLY like down in the trenches of parenthood - because she's never been there. Have you ever given your child a cookie to keep him quiet in the grocery store? AH! You've manipulated her and turned her into a compulsive eater who will use food to soothe herself forever. Have you ever lost it and given your child a swat on the bottom? [even knowing you shouldn't have?!]. AH! You've turned him into a man who will "stuff" his feelings and be frightened of emotion and will alienate his wife anytime she shows emotion. Etc, Etc, Etc. Baily has a thousand ways in which she can tell you how you have ruined your child for life because you are such a rotten parent.

She also characterizes just about every parenting method in the world as "violent" or "negative" - if you quietly ask your child to please finish their chore, she says you are coercing them and trying to force your will on them... um, OK, whatever. Maybe so, but the cat still needs to be fed. :)

I am a huge proponent of gentle discipline and child-friendly parenting, but this book was just ridiculous in my opinion. There are SUCH better books out there - from real, live parents who actually KNOW what they are talking about and can give advice with compassion and empathy rather than judgement and condemnation.

This book was a waste of my time.

My major beef with this book is summed up in this little quote on pg 189 "Loving guidance requires a shift from the reliance on punishment and rewards to a reliance on consequences in order to help children learn from their mistakes." My problem with it is that the "consequences" she suggests are actually almost all punishments. She suggests grounding, sending a child to his room for the rest of the day, making the kid eat dinner alone, and more. I would sum up her advice by saying this, "Here's a whole bunch of stuff you can try before you punish, but if that doesn't work to make the kid obey you, go ahead and use punishment to motivate them to comply with your requests." The worst part is that on the surface, she makes it SEEM as if she's saying the opposite. It's not about punishment, it's about learning. You can't make people do things, you can just make them "want to choose" to do what you want (by making them unhappy if they don't, if no gentler method works). It seems as if the author is ultimately afraid to actually take her own advice.

There is some good stuff in here, particularly the "self-help" part (hence 2 stars), where she goes through disciplining yourself first so that you can model the kind of behavior you want your children to emulate. However, Marshall Rosenberg's "Principles of Nonviolent Communication" does a much better job of teaching many of these same skills, and you won't have to wade through the contradictory parenting advice to get it.

If you're looking for a book to give you alternatives to rewards and punishments and to help get you out of a cycle of power struggles with your kids, Larry Cohen's "Playful Parenting" or Mary Sheedy Kurchinka's "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" are both much better choices. They both give many more options for ways to change your interactions with your child to make power struggles less common AND options besides punishments and rewards when the power struggles do arise.

So when was the last time you listened to anyone who tried to tell you how to raise your child? Ah, right . . . me, too. But wait! Becky Bailey really has some great stuff to share, and if you're willing to expand your horizons, you can dig deep into a gentle and creative mind to discover innovative and amazingly effective techniques that will have you and your child bonding like Super Glue.

But we're already closer than Klingons!

Okay, I hear you. But imagine if you could learn some very simple dialogue and fresh ideas that, with patience and practice, could make the difference between a full-blown tantrum and a tame teaching experience?

The author emphasizes respectful, loving guidance for children and encourages parents to examine themselves as role models in more ways than one. Her book filled me with new insights into the ways that I treat myself which are reflected onto my child and stamped onto his own self-esteem. Becky Bailey has a very gentle and positive style that really encouraged me to reassess and improve not just my parenting skills but my communication techniques in all relationships.

The gentle book is ripe with positive parenting advice that your heart will totally agree with. Even if you don't have the time or inclination to read cover to cover, you can still gain much wisdom from flipping to any random chapter.

I know I must sound like Becky Bailey's PR person, but I promise I'm not! I am just a pooped Mom who stumbled upon this marvelous material. I gratefully absorbed this wonderful book and all it has to offer, and know I will reference it for positive reinforcement in the years to come. I recommend this book to everyone I know! The loving, gentle and respectful style is in perfect accord with my attachment parenting philosophy, and the fresh ideas were exactly what I needed to refine and improve my skills as my son turned the "toddler corner". A must-have for any attuned parent, grandparent or caregiver.