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91 of 96 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Aiding Dominating, Difficult Seniors Suffering from Dementia, May 27, 2001
We have all read stories about the problems of families with verbally and physically abusive fathers. What happens when physical and mental ills cause these problems to get worse when the man gets older? Ms. Jacqueline Marcell writes a compelling (and usually harrowing) tale of her struggle to help both of her parents regain their health and ability to function. She clothes the obvious pain of the circumstances with humor that makes the message easier to absorb. At the end of the book, you will find many helpful suggestions for how to be an effective planner and implementer of good health support for elderly people. Ms. Marcell's mother had a heart attack, and her domineering father insisted in taking care of everything. After 11 years, Ms. Marcell finds her mother on death's door due to the poor care her father has been providing and the home a pig sty. Despite severe personal problems (such as being in recovery from spinal surgery, losing her job, and ending a long-term relationship), she takes on the difficult and thankless task of getting her parents some help. Her father fights her at every turn, using both charm (when he's in his rational mind) and rage (when he's out of control) to get what he wants. Through a tough battle of over 9 months, she is able to find a winning formula and both parents start to improve. You can continue to read the saga of her parents on her web site. You have to admire Ms. Marcell's courage, her persistence, and her intelligence. Health care providers did not believe that her father was violent, even after he tried to strangle her. In brief interviews, they found him to be charming and penitent (whenever he was caught in the act). Most things she tried didn't work, because he was a lot worse than anyone realized. Whatever his initial problems were with controlling his anger, they got worse as the arteries to his brain clogged. With lots of medical treatment, drugs, behavioral training, and a fantastic caregiver, miracles finally happened. If either of your parents was physically or verbally abusive when younger, you should read this book. It is full of practical advice in the section at the end. I graded the book down one star for an imbalance in the presentation. The first 270 pages are the case history of her experiences. As much as I sympathize with Ms. Marcell's horrible experience, this section needed to be shortened. The benefit you will get by reading it all is a sense of the despair that must fill the days of the child trying to help in such a circumstance. I do not begrudge Ms. Marcell writing so much though. It must have been therapy for her. On the other hand, most readers will find what they need in pages 272 to the end. You certainly need to read enough of the first 270 pages to get a sense of what the problems are like, but unless you find it fascinating . . . feel free to skip forward. You will not be missing much that you need to know. At the same time, the general material could have been made more detailed. That would have improved the book and made it more helpful. For example, there is about a half page on how to handle a senior who is feigning illness to avoid going to Senior Day Care. The section is fine, but it deals with the issue at a surface level. This material could easily have been expanded to 5-10 pages. How much effort should go into checking out the potential that the senior really does have an illness? Which potential illnesses should be ignored and which paid attention to? Ms. Marcell obviously had substantial financial resources that she could throw into the fray. Most families will not be so well endowed. The advice section could have used much more direction for those who are more financially and time constrained than Ms. Marcell was. Finally, I must say that my hat is off to Ms. Marcell. Her parents are indeed fortunate to have had her as a daughter. You will like her, and what she has to say. Give the book a try! After you finish reading the book, think about where else character flaws will become greater as people age. I especially encourage you to think about this in terms of your spouse and yourself. A responsible parent would do best to solve these problems in advance, rather than waiting for a child to come along and rescue the situation after it is a mess. If you have any weaknesses that this book reminds you of, I suggest that you apply Life Strategies and Relationship Rescue to help you. Remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. That's an old saw, but this book once again establishes its validity.
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