Customer Reviews

Embracing Ourselves: The Voice Dialogue Manual

5 star:		(12)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

When you're trying to grow and unfold, finding the source of your feelings, and actions, and conflicts, is like having a light turned on... At last, you able to address the actual cause. And addressing actual causes always brings results. It is our mis-placed blame that keeps us feeling stuck and unable to progress.

This book teaches you how to create a dialogue between various parts of your personality, who are often conflicted in what they want and need. This dialogue leads, at the least, to more understanding, and often to negotiated settelments where everyone wins.

More than that, the practice develops a state referred to as the "aware ego" which is able to tell the difference between you and your "sub-personalities." Having an aware ego means that you are now free to have your feelings... and... you don't get lost in them any longer. How valuable is that?

This methodology has the potential to create great healing among the masses. It can be done with two or more people who are willing to grow, and does not require lenghty training or advanced degrees. Are you capable of a supportive conversation with a friend?

* If you feel dead inside, look here for new life.

* If you feel confused, look here for self-awareness and understanding.

* If you feel an undefined yearning, look here for answers.

This is one of my favorite books. I felt so empowered and alive while reading it. The main theme is that we are here to be all of who we are; and that actually 'all of who we are' consists of many, many different parts.

Some parts are more dominant(Primary Selves) and some parts less so (Disowned Selves). Our challenge is to own more of the disowned selves and to achieve more balance inside of ourselves.

Hal and Sidra Stone don't have a judgemental bone in their body. They are very accepting and optimistic and don't teach with a heavy hand.

Absolutely on top of my list!

"The fairy tale version of romantic love teaches that once one finds the right mate, there is a marriage and then the two live happily ever after. Somehow the relationship magically brings out the King or Queen in each of us; therefore, our task in life is to find the correct mate so that we can be truly ourselves. In contrast to this, many of us now have a real fear that we will lose ourselves if we "give in" to a relationship and make the adjustments that are necessary in order for it to work, that the changes demanded of us by relationship are a weakening or a lessening of who we are." --Embracing Each Other, pp. 227-8

This is a book that came for me at the right time: and in (or out of) relationship, any time is the right time. Especially helpful is the advice on taking care of one's [inner] "vulnerable child": 1. Recognize its presence 2. Develop an awareness of its personality, needs and reactions 3. Separate far enough in trigger situations to evaluate 4. Speak up for it in an objective, relaxed fashion

Here are some key do's and don'ts: --Don't put it in position of taking care of itself --Don't give in to all its needs ("indulging in all its feelings") --Don't let it lock into victim mode through over-identification --Do provide its own space, aesthetic and safe --Do use impersonal self to set limits and boundaries, speaking for its needs --Do use one's network of safe friends for support and listening

The vulnerable child is often disowned by the dominant constellation of one's "primary selves." Left to their own devices these often give rise to a variety of shadow selves...with both primary selves and shadows indulging in excess.

"Negative bonding patterns" occur in relationship when the disowned child in each person has to find support externally, and bonds unconsciously with the parent-figure in the other person.

Problems and conflicts inevitably occur. How to deal with them constructively? Awareness is crucial. So while expression of feelings may occur, it's important that it's done consciously rather than hurtfully; using discernment, not judgment. In this dance one must learn to embrace all of one's disowned selves. Also, to understand the dynamic connections between each other's vulnerable selves and the corresponding partner-parent roles. We can come to realize and embrace in ourselves the opposite qualities embodied in our relationships--but in less extreme forms. For such understanding this book is invaluable.

They will keep happening, battles and make-ups, but the aware ego will begin entering earlier to balance the power selves and vulnerable selves, with more choices; so that we relate out of em-power-ment rather than a drive for power; without dominating/controlling or playing victim. The content of conflict becomes neutral, without the usual hidden agenda.

Sound like too much work? It's all a choice. If relationship is the path we take (and how can anyone ignore it forever?), we may avoid much unnecessary pain (for ourselves and others) and discover the greatest growth through maximum discovery and awareness. For such a living journey, Embracing Each Other is the essential guidebook.

The idea of "parts work" is very 'frontier' these days so I was interested to see the Stone's take on it. (Having worked with "Internal Family Systems Work" [Schwartz] and Focusing [Gendlin/Cornell] as well as the earlier versions by Bradshaw et al.)
First, the writing is stilted and clinical. Unnecessarily technical.
As to content... let's just say that the concept isn't given full treatment, here. The introduction suggests that sections of this title were 'spun off' from the second edition to become their own books. (The fact that the Stones have half-a-dozen titles on this subject say something about their commercial interest in the subject.)
Another problem I have with the material is what I refer to as the 'Dianetics Dilemma'... you NEED a partner to do this process. Go to the website for Voice Dialogue and you will see links to PROFESSIONAL facilitators but no mention of other ways of finding a facilitator.
Finally, my biggest argument with this treatment w/ Parts Work is that it doesn't go far enough. Voice Dialogue uses a Gestalt-like process of taking on the voice of a subpersonality and otherwise embodying it in physical/emotional/mental space to get to know it. From this perspective, the facilitator interviews your subpersonality, helping you to gain insight into this part. Afterwards, you come back to 'ego awareness' and discuss the session to get more insight.
That's all well and good but I think that Focusing does a much better job with the process. Voice Dialogue limits the work to parts that are verbal, fully-formed personalities. Focusing is inclusive enough to allow non-verbal, fuzzy personalities to express themselves and be heard. Voice Dialogue also limits itself by setting up categories for the subpersonalities, a priori. There are primary selves, 'Pushers', disowned selves, etc that are already in place, waiting for us to label and manage. Focusing allows the personalities to describe themselves to us, to develop uniquely, with our respect and appreciation.
[Schwartz's Inner Family Systems Therapy, likewise, categorizes the parts and does some of the session with the client vocalizing for the part. Schwartz's work ALSO trains the client to develop a stronger, more beneficent Ego to be able to moderate the subpersonalities.]
In summary, the ideas of Voice Dialogue, to the degree that it lines up with the work of Schwartz, Gendlin/Cornell, Bradshaw, and others... confirms the importance of this work. Does it advance the ideas or present new concepts that improve the practice? I don't think so. I give it a three only because the Stones were one of the pioneers of parts work so I have to tip my hat to them. But I would read other authors and incorporate the Stones writings into what the field, as a whole, is saying.

Some of this book was a bit draggy for me, and in the beginning of the book I felt there wasn't much of value for me. I was reading this because of a close friend I knew who was using the voice dialogue technique. But as I read on I could see more of myself in there as well and it truly altered the way I look at myself and others. I was able to identify my own disowned selves and in acknowledging those, I feel more whole and empowered. Thanks to the authors for this book!

Liked:

This was one of the most influential books I've ever come across. It will challenge you to think of things in a new way, and for those on a quest for healing and personal growth, the authors' insights here should be invaluable for you.

Disliked:

I was quite disappointed that there was a chapter titled "The Empowerment of Women", and no such section for men, save a few sentences within the above mentioned chapter. Most men I know and have known are slowly killing themselves and are living boring, expressionless lives, so that they can conform to the rigid, deleterious male gender role in our society. Especially since the authors bring to this work positions from both genders, I found the omission of a special and needed chapter on the liberation of the male a bit puzzling and disappointing.

But this certainly did not detract from the book in general, a fantastic work that is well worth your time.

Jared

Excellent book. The book does not directly explain at first what it is trying to entail, but as the reader digresses through the various voice dialogues with the interviewer or facilitator, the development of the larger picture is perceived. And I must say, this particular model has stuck with me for quite some time in many other books and teachings I have read, as well as personally experienced in my life. This book really does convey a rather substantial paradgm of human psychology.

The ideas conveyed in this book is that of each individual consists of multiple energies or self personalities, each conveying a different part of ourselves. With such voice dialogues, the awareness level of our consciousness increases, our aware ego or observer ego has the ability to gain awareness and perceive silent separateness from our divided energies. We become able to bring or higher selves to obtain an observer's view of our various selves, both the energies we use to control and depend on, as well as those we repress and disown. Anotherwards, it opens us up in awareness to ourselves. We become aware of our hidden observer where we can objectively view all of our different energy patterns or personalities which we use and depend on and those we reject and disown.

What is conveyed is how we are to cease repressing our disowned selves, by honoring and listening to such demonic parts of ourselves, while at the same time, continuing to let our positive energies that we currently use to guide us to continually do so. Throughout the book conversations are conveyed which portray the most common various personalities most of us have.

At the end of the book, the last chapter has a wonderful illustration on Greek mythology and the parallel of a disowned personality, as in the case of Apollo disowning Dionysus and the story of King Pentheus and his denial and disowning of the new god, Dionysus and the disastrous outcome from repressing and disowning this new god.

When you're trying to grow and unfold, finding the source of your feelings, and actions, and conflicts, is like having a light turned on... At last, you able to address the actual cause. And addressing actual causes always brings results. It is our mis-placed blame that keeps us feeling stuck and unable to progress.

This book teaches you how to create a dialogue between various parts of your personality, who are often conflicted in what they want and need. This dialogue leads, at the least, to more understanding, and often to negotiated settelments where everyone wins.

More than that, the practice develops a state referred to as the "aware ego" which is able to tell the difference between you and your "sub-personalities." Having an aware ego means that you are now free to have your feelings... and... you don't get lost in them any longer. How valuable is that?

This methodology has the potential to create great healing among the masses. It can be done with two or more people who are willing to grow, and does not require lenghty training or advanced degrees. Are you capable of a supportive conversation with a friend?

* If you feel dead inside, look here for new life.

* If you feel confused, look here for self-awareness and understanding.

* If you feel an undefined yearning, look here for answers.

...

When you're trying to grow and unfold, finding the source of your feelings, and actions, and conflicts, is like having a light turned on... At last, you able to address the actual cause. And addressing actual causes always brings results. It is our mis-placed blame that keeps us feeling stuck and unable to progress.

This book teaches you how to create a dialogue between various parts of your personality, who are often conflicted in what they want and need. This dialogue leads, at the least, to more understanding, and often to negotiated settelments where everyone wins.

More than that, the practice develops a state referred to as the "aware ego" which is able to tell the difference between you and your "sub-personalities." Having an aware ego means that you are now free to have your feelings... and... you don't get lost in them any longer. How valuable is that?

This methodology has the potential to create great healing among the masses. It can be done with two or more people who are willing to grow, and does not require lenghty training or advanced degrees. Are you capable of a supportive conversation with a friend?

* If you feel dead inside, look here for new life.

* If you feel confused, look here for self-awareness and understanding.

* If you feel an undefined yearning, look here for answers.

This is just to inform you that the 2nd review doesn't apply to this book, but to an other book of Hal Stone !