Customer Reviews

Emotional Blackmail

5 star:		(82)
4 star:		(14)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

I am an emotional blackmailer, I just had no idea until I read this book. It was suggested to me by my soon to be ex- husband who couldn't take it anymore. I thought I was being strong and standing my ground and this book helped me to see that I was emotionally bullying other people. I beleived I was always right and no human being can be. It also helped me to see that it doesn't matter if you are wrong or right, making another person feel as if they must agree with you or they are "bad" is not OK. I was using the behaviors descibed in the book to protect myself from being hurt and have hurt sooooo many others in the process. If you're a person who always feels like a victim or have no idea why so many people don't like you when you think you're such a wonderful person READ IT!!!

This book does a very clear job of defining emotional blackmail so you can begin to easily spot emotional blackmailers in your life. It then concludes with telling you specifically how to deal with emotional blackmail, that is, how to keep your energy, resources, and sometimes your very soul, from being stolen by them.

Something that was particularly important for me personally in the book was the part at the end where she talks about not emotionally blackmailing *yourself*! What an insight! I realized that even when rigid, controlling people are not around to inspire guilt, fear and shame in me to get me to do things that are hurtful to me for their selfish benefit, I have a "voice" in my head that does the job for them, telling me that whatever I do that doesn't fit the world view of past and present blackmailers is "wrong," "selfish," or even "evil." So I beat myself up on behalf of my blackmailers even when they are not around to do it.

I also was impressed by the insight that not only does it "take two to tango," that no one can blackmail me if I don't let them, but that it is also possible for me to actually "train" people to blackmail me. This is particularly, true, I think, for those of us raised in rigid, controlling homes with emotionally blackmailing parents. Thereafter, we are, so to speak, fertile ground for any future emotional blackmailers.

I had rather been realizing these sorts of things the past few years now that I'm in my 40s (the middle years when we suddenly reevaluate our whole life), and gradually eliminating emotional blackmailers from my life, without exactly using that term. (The term I used was ridding myself of people whose presence felt like "being nibbled to death by ducks.") This book has validated my innate human "right" to not be eaten alive by the selfish demands of others.

Kudos to Ms. Forward!

I have done a pretty thorough reading of books dealing with control, cults, emotional abuse, etc. I feel like I could write a thesis on this stuff by now. This was the best all around. I am a third party observing a loved one in a controlling relationship. There isn't a book out there that really addresses my situation, but I have gleaned wisdom from many. What I love about this book is that it gives very concrete strategies for dealing with controlling people. The strategies are very well laid out, lots of examples of phrases that neutralize the offender. As a therapist, she also addresses the discomfort many of us would likely encounter when trying to put these strategies into practice. In addition to the concrete information on strategies, she describes why it might be hard to recognize that you are in an unhealthy controlling situation and how to know for sure. She helps clarify the personal damage victims of control sustain. I have become much more aware of people in my life that may be using unhealthy methods of control and have used the advice to stop, think and strategize to help me. It even helped me become a little wiser to ploys of friends of my kids. This book shows us how to resolve unhealthy control without necessarily having to end the relationship. With these techniques everyone might just come out a winner.

We are not victims of manipulation. We allow manipulation to happen to us and with careful observation we can neutralize it. This is what Susan Forward believes. I don't know if I agree because I haven't yet had a chance to practice her techniques in earnest, but I needed to comment on the content itself of the book, "Emotional Blackmail".

It is impossible for an author to address every specific detail of every reader's personal situation. But this is as close as you can get. Forward gives stories and testimonials of people she has worked with who have used her techniques with success. Unlike other authors that do this, however, Forward does not simply apply the techniques to those situations and expect that you'll be able to apply it to a scenario of your own. She separates the stories from the guidelines. She provides some fantastic exercises for further clarity of the techniques she describes.

One of the techniques I especially enjoyed reading about was "buying your time". Don't respond immediately to your blackmailer. Give them time to "stew". In other words, try to avoid snap decisions when dealing with blackmailers. She groups manipulators into different categories. "Tantalizers" are the group I deal with most often. They are the ones who get you to do what they want by making it appear there is something incredible in it for you. This may sometimes be the case, but it's important to realize that your needs are not the manipulator's true motivation. Forward explains and clarifies this beautifully.

This is a very well-written book and I recommend it highly.

If you think you might be a victim of a parent or loved one who is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you and keep you from growing or changing, then this book is for you.

I had such a loved one in my life, who was manipulating me with her own pain, keeping me from growing up, keeping me from being a man and doing what I needed to do.

I won't go into the details, but you know if you are a victim of manipulation by this "emotional blackmail". Does someone threaten to write you out of their lives if you do such and such? Does someone break down and cry or get sick every time you bring up a certain subject? Does someone make you "walk on eggshells" around them, around certain subjects?

If any of the above ring true, then you are a victim of emotional blackmail and should read this book.

I read it, and it made so much sense to me, it was like I was seeing clearly for the first time in my life.

This, along with therapy for only a couple months, really helped me change my life, release me from this blackmail, and in the end, the blackmailer "got over it" and I now have just as good - actually much better - relationship with her than before.

My therapist read the book and is now recommending it to other people like me.

Thanks to Susan Forward for writing this book! Do yourself a favor and read it!

This book was tremendously helpful for my understanding of the characteristics and motivations of a blackmailing parent. I have spent years being dumbfounded by her behavior and wondering what on earth I did to deserve the treatment I was getting. I was just living my life - on my terms for a change - and that's when all hell broke loose! For years I could never quite articulate what was happening in this relationship, and I continued to be blindsided by the silent treatment on a cyclical basis, but everything became very clear after reading this book. Susan Forward cites a number of examples and uses descriptive anecdotes to help you identify the blackmailers in your life. In addition, she details some of the underlying reasons for the blackmailer's behavior to help you understand just why they make us so crazy! This is not a poor-me book. It is truly empowering and suggests strategies to neutralize the blackmailer's power and control over you. I no longer feel the anxiety I once felt with the anticipation of speaking with my blackmailer. I understand why she behaves the way she does and I think I now have the tools to stop her from continuing her destructive behavior. Thank you, Dr. Forward.

A friend of my suggested I get this book. After having been dumped by my partner of 5 years after we both watched our friend die, I've been really confused about if the end of the relationship was my fault. So I got this book with my ex in mind.

The only problem was, the entire first part of the book was about...me!

I had no idea how many patterns of manipulation and guilt I had been using with my ex, and others before that. I caught several mind games I've been using on people without even knowing it. After wading through my shame, I learned so much about myself.

Later in the book, some extremely useful information is presented where you write out a contract to yourself. For a week, you repeat the phrase "I CAN stand it." You think about the ways your blackmailer has tried to steal your power. You picture saying this to their face without fear. "I CAN stand it." It helps you detach, not take their words or games personally, and not react emotionally.

After just 3 days of doing this, I used the technique before I needed to talk with my ex. Some of my things are still in the garage, I need them back but have been afraid to have any contact. I pictured how it would go, had no fear, didn't take it personally when snotty things were said, said thanks, and got everything I asked for with no drama on my end.

Besides the work this book has helped me do for myself, it has left me feeling EMPOWERED. Some people are really smooth at using fear, obligation, and guilt, so sometimes it's hard to recognize when that's happening. Once you do, it changes everything about how you communicate with these people.

I keep quoting this book to another friend of mine, who wants to borrow it but can't find it locally. She saw that I was nearly done, and said "oh good, now you can loan it to me." I told her she still needs to buy a copy, because when I'm done I'm going to read it all over again. I'm going to highlight what I need, and that's something I almost NEVER do in a book!

If you feel at all weak, confused, or taken advantage of, get this book and you'll also get some clarity.

We've all done it -- gotten pressured into situations which compromise our value systems, given in to the unreasonable demands of bosses, spouses, friends or relatives. This book will show you how it happens, and more importantly, how to stop giving in.

From her clinical experience, Forward shows us plenty of situations of what she has come to call "emotional blackmail" and many of these will probably mirror your own experience or that of someone close to you. Many times reading this book, I found myself shaking my head, trying to get rid of that nagging feeling that "I knew these people."

My only criticism of this book is that with few exceptions, blackmailers are described as such, and they can come across sounding like monsters. Forward spends a little time exploring their motivations and insecurities, and she does point out that often we can turn into blackmailers ourselves, but perhaps not enough.

By and large, she speaks only to "blackmailees," and this book certainly makes them feel good about themselves, perhaps at the cost of dehumanizing the blackmailer.

As long as you can keep in mind, though, that this book aims to build constructive dialogue and not to destroy your connection with the blackmailers in your life, it is a most valuable tool to reasserting your own needs in any relationship.

I would assume that most people have an emotional manipulator in their life. I knew I had several but I couldn't quite pinpoint how it was done and how they managed to drain me with such ease..
This incredible book delivers with clarity HOW we are manipulated, the different types of manipulators and how to take back control from these emotional predators. Once you are able to recognize their tactics you will be more able block their self serving agenda.
This book is a blessing and I give thanks to the author.

I am currently being given THE SILENT TREATMENT by my mother. I am desperate for help.I am not much of a reader and was skeptical about ordering this book. I ordered it. It is amazing. I read it in 2 days and it addressed so many issues going on in my life centering around my emotional blackmailer. I can truly say this book is the most helpful information that I could have hoped for. It has given me understanding and possibilities for reclaiming my integrity and happiness. It has given me the tools for constuctively dealing with negative and controlling people in my life. I asked the universe for help and thankfully this book came my way. Thank you Susan!