The Emotional Hostage: Rescuing Your Emotional Life [Paperback]

Leslie Cameron-Bandler (Author), Michael Lebeau (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0932573037 | ISBN-13: 978-0932573032 | Publication Date: September 1, 1986

Often we feel trapped and at the mercy of emotions that we don't want. This book teaches how to gain control over our emotional lives by discovering the many factors that together arouse our feelings. For instance, realizing that our emotions are the results of our memories of the past and our anticipation of the future as well as our perceptions in the moment, allows us to shift time frames in order to feel differently. Slowing the intensity and tempo of an unpleasant experience can change rage to dissatisfaction, and increasing the intensity and tempo of a pleasant one can change satisfaction into excitement. These are just a few of the elements of our experiencing that we can learn to modify to solve the problems caused by emotions and have a more satisfying life.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Combining a lucidly-articulated position with carefully-sequenced practice exercises, the authors provide us with the opportunity to learn to use our emotions in a satisfying and productive manner. -- Anthony T. Pallisi, Ed.D. and Mary D. Kelly, Ph.D., Editors, The Family Letter

If, as Shakespeare said, all the world is a stage and we are the players, then learning to control one's emotions is like having the ability to choose exactly which roles we will play. -- Stephanie Craig, The Arizona Daily Star

Leslie Cameron-Bandler and Michael Lebeau have created an obvious work of care and quality with The Emotional Hostage. If you read anything at all in the self-help/self-improvement genre this year, make it The Emotional Hostage. -- James A. Cox, The Midwest Book Review

The authors have taken a user-friendly scientific approach to a crucial human problem. -- Marilyn Ferguson, Publisher of Brain Mind Bulletin and Author of The Aquarian Conspiracy

This is a provocative and incredibly-detailed analysis of human emotions. It tells you how and why emotions occur, how you can control them, even how to use them to your advantage. --Cleve Twitchell, Lifestyles Editor of the Medford Mall Tribune

From the Back Cover

We lived storybook lives. At least it seemed that way to our families, friends, colleagues, and students. As evidence they pointed to our professional success, our lovely home and happy child, and our romantic and passionate love for each other. But behind the trappings of professional success, hidden from those around us, was a life of recurring torment. We were hostage to a powerful but little-understood force: our own emotions. In our first attempts to struggle free of the grip of our emotions, we learned to appreciate the seriousness of our plight. We also discovered the we were not alone.

All of us are hostage to our emotions in one way or another. Some people are confined and constrained by their fear of the intensity of such emotions as inadequacy, sadness, hurt, and rejection. For these people, emotions are like land mines; they tiptoe through life trying to avoid dangerous feelings. At the first hint that a strong emotional response is underfoot, they withdraw. They avoid situations that appear to be emotionally highly-charged, such as a heated argument with a loved one, visiting an acquaintance who is suffering from cancer, or spending time with a friend who is depressed. In order to spare themselves the sting of hurt and rejection, they refrain from reaching out to others. They also steer clear of professional challenges. This way they can avoid tripping over unpleasant surprises, such as feelings of inadequacy. As a ransom, these people avoid huge areas of life in the way that some people avoid seeing scary movies. In the process, they are usually successful at keeping themselves from experiencing much of what is worthwhile in life.

A World of Emotional Choice

Imagine for a moment that you live in a world in which you have available to you the full range of human emotions, as well as choices about which of those emotions to experience and how to express them at any given moment. In this world you have access to the sobering unpleasantness of disappointment, anger, and frustration, as well as the exaltation of pride, confidence, and joy. You might wince under the pangs of jealousy, regret, fear, grief, and hopelessness, but only for as long as it takes to extract whatever information these wounds might hold for you. Then you quickly heal and move on. In this world you do not need to mask the feelings that are the expressions of yourself just because you do not know how to satisfyingly express them. Instead, you have access to all of the emotions and behaviors that are the authentic manifestation of who you are and who you want to be. The standard for interactions In this world is a mutually-fulfilling dance of emotions and behavior, while stepping on the emotional toes of those around you is a rare mistake.

How close are most of us to living in such a world? What would such a world really be like? As it is now, it's not uncommon for a person who is facing a job interview or sales presentation to feel anxious, his palms breaking out in sweat. He may squirm around, his voice cracking and his attention and concentration ricocheting from one worry to another. No matter how worthy a potential employee he is or how substantive his sales pitch, his presentation will be sabotaged by his anxious feelings, behavior, and appearance. In a world in which emotional choice is a skill that all enjoy, however, this person could choose to present himself with a deep feeling of personal confidence and competence, manifested in his calm demeanor and alert and attentive responses.

Personal lives would be significantly different as well. We all know couples who, as a result of the years of emotional deprivation they have experienced together, seize the opportunity of social situations to sling snide put-downs at one another. Even cloaked as humor, as they often are, such barbs bite deeply, continually adding to the resentment that already scars their relationship. But in a world of emotional choice, it would be difficult to build resentment. Instead, these two people would recognize and respond to their own emotional needs and wants, as well as those of their mate. Over the years, they would experience an increasing sense of trust and security because each day they would have fresh examples of their ability to notice and respond well to the fluctuations of emotional atmosphere that naturally accompany the weather of relationships.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 220 pages
• Publisher: Real People Press (September 1, 1986)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0932573037
• ISBN-13: 978-0932573032
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #523,828 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

26 of 26 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Learn to recognize and manage your emotions, June 26, 2001

By 

Patrick Merlevede (Eeklo, Vlaanderen (Belgium, Europe)) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Emotional Hostage: Rescuing Your Emotional Life (Paperback)

Seen in retroperspective I should have dedicated my book "7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence" to Leslie-Cameron, given that reading her book helped me to write a reply to Goleman's book. Out of respect for her work, I keep refering people to this book.

The biggest "mistake" of this book is that it appeared 10 years too early, long before Goleman made the term "emotional intelligence" popular. Yet it does a far better job than Goleman when it comes to helping people to increase their EQ.

Leslie Cameron is one of the co-founders of NLP, even if she now has moved on and seems to be "lost" to the NLP community. I keep wondering where the field of emotional intelligence would have stood if Leslie would have kept up her work in this area.

Conclusion: even now this remains one of the best books on the topic of emotional intelligence. I hope that readers of my book will feel that it's complementary.

Patrick E.C. Merlevede, MSc -- co-author of "7 Steps to Emotional Intelligence"

15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars TEN STARS WORTHY, READ THIS BOOK DAILY, August 7, 2005

By 

Jaye L. Buksbaum "Author of The Thriving Series" (New York) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Emotional Hostage: Rescuing Your Emotional Life (Paperback)

About 18 years ago I had the pleasure of working one on one with Leslie as she was researching her model of Imperative Self Therapy. In just over 2 hours, I experienced first person Leslie in action employing all the processes from this book, Emotional Hostage, along with Emprinting and Futurepacing.

You may not know these terms but I assure you, everything in Emotional Hostage is in lay terms. All that is required is that you accept Leslie's invitation to try on some of the ideas and methods offered in the book. Keep what works, return what does not.

I have given away over 100 copies of this book to my co-workers, fellow seekers, students, teachers, even strangers. I would have this book required teaching in all health and education related fields.

I strongly suggest you read all works of Leslie Cameron Bandler Lebeau if you are a student of NLP, a therapist, a personal coach or an educator. For everyone else, it's an open invitation. Please take the chance, show up for life. This book will show you how.

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The BEST book on emotions intelligence thus far., November 23, 2006

By 

Mike Davis Th.D (Chino, CA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Emotional Hostage: Rescuing Your Emotional Life (Paperback)

This book by Leslie Cameron-Bandler (now Leslie Lebeau) and Michael Lebeau is in my opinion the best book so far on emotional management. I read this book over 16 years ago and my copy is well-worn (I even bought another copy for when my original will finally have to be retired).

The book is easy to understand and the principles and techniques are easy to understand and apply: with praactice you will learn how to get your emotions to work for you rather than against you.

In this book you will learn:

The Strucutre of emotions: this section will give you a model of the eight components that comprise an emotion (Criteria, chunk size, comparison, involvement,intensity,modality,time frame and tempo) and how understanding and changing those components will allow you to transform emotional states or create the ones you deisre.

The Functional Attributes of emotions: here you will learn how to respond to emotions (especially unpleasant ones) as signals to take better more useful actions. The book provides a list of possible meanings of different emotions and how you can use those meanings to serve you. Example: Anxiety: the signal or functional attribute of anxiety is to let you know thatthat there is something in your future for which you need to better prepare (page 36).

You will also be given insight and strategies for dealing with difficult emotions before you experience them, while you are experiencing them, and after you are experiencing them.

You will also learn various ways to gain access to the emotions you want, when you want them.

At the end of the book you are given a summary of all the major principles and strategies offered in the book for quick reference.

I refer to this book often and have used it as the basis for seminars and trainings I have conducted on emotional mastery.

You will benefit tremendously from the book. By applying what you read you will quickly gain practical tools and skills that will give you greater emotional choice and freedom.

Buy and read it!