Customer Reviews

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life

5 star:		(20)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

It can be extremely emotionally validating to realize some things you experienced as a child were unhealthy, especially if they get in the way of happy, productive relationships later in life. This book is about recognizing unhealthy, enmeshed relationships and learning how to move toward something more healthy. It teaches you how to do the work necessary to make things better for yourself. You won't change the parent who put you in an emotionally incestuous situation so don't waste your energy on an effort that's guaranteed to fail. Instead focus on learning new ways to respond to the unhealthy behaviors of your parents. This will enable you to recognize and change your own unhealthy behaviors, which is especially important if you are a parent who wants to end the cycle of emotionally-damaging parent/child relationships.

This book helps to identify, understand, and overcome many prior experiences that have been holding you back. It describes perfectly the relationship my husband had with his mother, his inability to pull away for so long, and the reaction of his family when he finally tried to gain a healthy distance from her. Recognizing this behavior and learning to deal with it was an emotional life saver for me. If I could give this book 10 stars, I would!

I have read many. many self-help books...but this is the only one that focuses specifically on this complex and often overwhelming problem. The author exactingly describes "incest" scenarios and the possilble background of your parents that makes them the way they are. I'm now in my 40s, and still struggling with the issues the author discusses...this book has been a tremendous resource. It's comforting to know I'm not alone...now if only we could all form our own support group!

In this comprehensive book about emotional incest, Pat Love goes into great depth about the causes of emotional incest and its devastating consequences. The author explains how emotional incest can take on many forms, depending on whether the parent is neglectful, critical, or sexual. She also provides helpful exercises throughout the book to help emotional incest survivors come to terms with the abuse. Highly recommended.

This book is an important addition to the collection of books out there that exist on sexual abuse. Even moreso are the examples of how a mother can be sexually abusive in covert ways unlike fathers who tend to manifest their abuse overtly. This book along with Ken Adam's book, Silently Seduced, are the bible of Covert Incest.
It is easy to say covert incest does not exist since it is subtle, indirect and is about what you don't see, but the victims of this all feel it and it is very real!

I looked for years for a description and diagnosis of my abuse symptoms, and, after years and years of therapy, found this book to be the link between my existing abuse symptoms and my past. The best part of the book is it's forgiving approach. Heal yourself, don't condemn. Know that no parent is perfect, understand the source of the problem, understand what behavior needs to change & practical tips on how to do it.

A fine, insightful -- and I think -- groundbreaking book, though there seem to be others with similar theses.

"The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do when a Parent's Love Rules Your Life" is an important book that describes a type of parent-child role reversal that is seldom written about and discussed. If from a young age you were your parent's confidant and emotional caretaker then this book will help you sort through the consequences that this has had on your life. And it will validate your sense that being treated as a therapist or a peer by your parent was indeed inappropriate and harmful. Dr. Love writes from a family systems perspective, which is valuable for understanding how this role reversal came about and what was going on with the other ("left-out") parent and siblings.

But, as I've found with a lot of family-systems authors, there is an absolute bias for and focus on repairing the relationship with your parents. There is an assumption that parents are capable of more healthy functioning if only someone (you the reader) has the courage to make changes in your self and your pattern of behavior with your parents. Perhaps that is true for some parents, but we're talking about people who emotionally abused their children -- quite a number of them, I suspect, are actually not capable of or willing to change. So here we have lots of examples from Dr. Love of people who made relatively straightforward changes to set boundaries or do things differently, and were rewarded with improved relationships with their parents. Although lip service is paid to how some parents may not respond as well, the examples -- more dramatic and vivid -- are consistently optimistic which leaves the reader with the impression that if you just do the right thing, the situation with your parents will get better. Optimism probably sells more books, but I personally would have liked to see more stories about people who've had to deal with and accept the fact that their parents are extremely limited in their functioning. After all, these are parents who turned to a child to meet their needs because they couldn't get their needs met by other adults -- the parents probably have not spontaneously developed the skills that will enable them to relate to their children now that they are adults too.

The other parts of the recovery section on gaining a clearer perspective on your past and strengthening your other adult relationships give a solid overview of those parts of healing.

So read this book for a greater understanding of your childhood and a *beginning* for recovery.

Iwould DEFINITELY reccommend this book for ANYONE to read--not just those that have controlling parents--or think that they may have controlling parents. This book was especially helpful as someone who is very close to me fits this profile to a tee... This book helped me to see why my loved one is the way he is and why he copes in his life the way that he does. The book does not, however, discuss what to do if you are a spouse, significant other, etc. of a person that has been emotionally incested. I wish that it did... READ IT... It will help you understand a lot of issues much more clearly.

This book helped me more than any other self-help book I have read. Not only did it help me learn things about my past and why I have some of the behaviors I have now, it taught me things that I did and did not want for my two young boys. It was very easy to read and understand and described principles I apply to my life daily. I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who feels they have a parent or parents that controls their feelings, actions and life.

Good insights into the nature of emotional incest. Well written. Definitely worth a read, but falls short on advice as to WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

I loved this book. It explained a lot for me and where to go from here. It doesn't blame parents, it helps you to see why it happened and what you can do to heal. I feel very empowered.