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Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship [Paperback]

M. Gary Neuman
4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (29 customer reviews)

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Book Description

September 24, 2002
What’s holding you back from a great marriage?

“I don’t believe in ‘okay,’ ‘decent,’ or ‘solid’ marriages. I’m against them,” says M. Gary Neuman. “I believe only in great marriages, and that you should expect and reach for no less.” In the last fifteen years, M. Gary Neuman, marital therapist and architect of the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program, has helped thousands of couples in crisis. Couples who fight. Who’ve grown apart. Who are stuck in relationships that run more on routine and rancor than love and understanding. What he’s found is that, contrary to popular belief, the problem is usually not poor communication. It’s the failure to put most of your focus into your marriage. You’ve only got so much energy. Are you spending it by being emotionally unfaithful?

Take a quick check: Do you send that funny e-mail to your friends at work—but not to your spouse? Do you chew over all the problems on the job so thoroughly with your colleagues that by the time you get home, you just don’t feel like going into it all over again? Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers—thinking it’s safe because you know it’s not going any further? If so, you’re committing emotional infidelity—and you’re draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great. Learning how to break this cycle is one of eleven secrets M. Gary Neuman shares in his provocative new book.

Based on the ten-week program he’s developed in his successful couples counseling practice, the book offers guidelines that are often counterintuitive, even outrageous or shocking. But they work. Dare to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. Dare to need each other. Dare to put in writing the nitty-gritty realities of a marriage plan. Dare to put your marriage before your kids or job. Dare to make love in a whole new way. Dare to change your focus: make the commitment to focus on each of the eleven secrets (ten plus one bonus secret) for one week apiece and you’ll reap the rewards of a transformed marriage and a reconfirmed relationship.

M. Gary Neuman’s program is guaranteed to challenge you and make you reexamine the myths holding you back from true happiness and satisfaction. It will change your marriage forever.

Frequently Bought Together

Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship + Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity + After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, 2nd Edition
Price for all three: $35.02

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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

You don't have to have sex to cheat on your marriage, counsels M. Gary Neuman in his practical and provocative book, Emotional Infidelity. Neuman, a therapist, family mediator, and rabbi, suggests that when you invest your emotional energy in opposite-sex coworkers or friends--instead of focusing on your spouse--you are unfaithful to your marriage. With clear case examples, scenes from his own marriage, quizzes, and exercises, Neuman illustrates 11 "secrets" that couples can apply to insulate and protect their marriage. Each secret is defined in a separate chapter, along with a blueprint for bringing it home. For example, the secret of setting marital goals includes a step-by-step guide to creating a "marriage proposal," and the chapter about the impact of childhood in marriage offers readers probing questions about the legacy of their parents' marriage. However, Neuman's most controversial secret is his ability to skewer the myth of marriage as mutual independence. Instead, he urges couples to establish a "healthy co-dependence" in their marriage and to "protect their marriage against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex." Neuman's passion for increasing focus and commitment in marriage can be both persuasive and challenging, with his clear values and strategies requiring that readers reexamine their ideas about marriage. --Barbara Mackoff --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Publishers Weekly

"If we operated our business the way we run our marriage, most people would be bankrupt," asserts Neuman in this manual for creating and maintaining nothing less than great marriages. Admitting that this objective "takes a 110 percent effort," the coauthor of Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way brings 14 years of experience as a marital counselor and an equally long marriage of his own to this comprehensive guide. The title refers to Neuman's belief in "the single most important thing you can do for your marriage," namely limiting your relationships with everyone other than your partner, particularly members of the opposite sex. Neuman also offers 10 other "secrets" for couples to work through in 10 weeks, including sharing specific goals and plans, clearly defining roles for each partner, appreciating each other, fostering interdependence and understanding the effects of your childhood on your marriage. Reminding readers that a great marriage takes years to cultivate, Neuman provides a four-point plan: touch each other five times daily, go on a weekly date, have a long talk four times a week, and have an all-out romantic lovemaking night monthly. Neuman makes the questionable claim that it only takes one partner to transform a marriage and make it great, and confuses interdependency with "codependency" (which may offend readers struggling with issues of relationships with actively addicted persons). Still, this is an important addition to the marriage manual genre, complete with an unusually helpful section on in-law relationships. (Oct. 23)Forecast: Marriage manuals are always in demand in bookstores and hot topics for talk shows. This one offers a unique (and possibly controversial) viewpoint as well as an experienced and engaging author. Planned national publicity could spark high interest and sales.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 320 pages
  • Publisher: Three Rivers Press (September 24, 2002)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0609810006
  • ISBN-13: 978-0609810002
  • Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.7 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 8.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (29 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #326,239 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

M. Gary Neuman is a licensed family counselor and rabbi.  He is the author of the New York Times bestseller The Truth about Cheating, for which he appeared on Oprah twice as well as the Today show and The Early Show.   He is also the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and the very successful Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. He has been on Oprah and the Today  show many times as well as the View, Dateline NBC, NBC Nightly News, CBS Weekend News, and Good Morning America.  Print coverage of Neuman and his work includes Time, People, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Parents, Parenting, the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, and the Miami Herald.

Customer Reviews

If you are married and happy, you should read this book. Jacquie  |  4 reviewers made a similar statement
This book is for good marriages and for any marriage that is in trouble. The LIterary Critic  |  3 reviewers made a similar statement
It is very well written and very informative. Esther  |  3 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
75 of 81 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars from a professional point of view April 24, 2002
By A Customer
Format:Hardcover
As a marital therapsit I've found this book to be of exceptional help with my marital patients. It's unusual in how it offers clear direction for a marriage at any stage. I've found it useful to help couples create clear daily goals for their marriage, learn how their parents' marriage has affected them, and how to create a great deal of passion. The book offers such creative activities which I have my patients work on together. There's a great chapter on sex also. It really helps couples focus in on the deeper meaning of sex and has some straightforward advice that every couple must know.
I've found the book great for my patients also because of the stories which really bring the ideas to life and make it a quick read. There are so many books that seem to preach but this one seems to offer a conversation with you. The author seems to have purposely created a book that helps a couple think together and create something unique for themselves.
Most of all, the book is not afraid to tell it like it is. Neuman makes us think about the energy we have to give to our spouse and how much of it goes quickly to the wrong places. He has an especially great piece on accepting our spouse's flaws called "the Mona Lisa was no size two," where he really makes you think about how society has brainwashed us into certain beliefs about our spouses.
I don't usually take the time to write reviews but this is something exceptional that can really help a lot of people. I'll keep buying it for my patients.
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27 of 28 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Insight to workplace extramarital affairs May 19, 2007
Format:Paperback
Emotional Infidelity focuses on strengthening and healing marriages, but it helped me through the first two years of accepting and healing after my ex-husband's multiple emotional and physical workplace affairs. I purchased this book the day after I found out about my ex's last affair. Hindsight is 20/20, and the scenarios in this book were a blueprint of the last 2 years of my marriage: phone calls at home from "co-workers", working late at the office, and driving to the office in the middle of the night to take care of "security alarm" calls. I read several books to help get through the painful breakup, and Emotional Infidelity was the most insighful and practical book on emotional (and physical) affairs I found. My marriage was over, but reading the book encouraged me to focus on my own strength without my ex.
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars This book has been mistitled October 18, 2008
Format:Paperback
This book has been mistitled. It's not just about emotional infidelity. It's about a whole lot more. The first chapter is the only part of the book that deals with what Neuman calls emotional infidelity - that is giving your time and attention to someone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse. I whole heartedly agree with his position. You can't split your attention. You have to be very careful how you treat people of the opposite sex because no one intends to do anything, and it always "just happens." Neuman's plan is that you focus your attention on your spouse so that you are so busy with your spouse you don't have the inclination to give anyone of the opposite sex the time to worm their way into your life - in the place where your spouse should be.

The rest of the book is a marriage manual for how to create a great marriage. And Neuman is honest: it takes a lot of work. You have to put a lot of energy into creating the marriage that you want. And both of you have to participate. Neuman includes good exercises that helps people who may not know exactly what to give their spouses or who do not know exactly what their spouse wants from them. He also writes about dealing with children in a marriage and how the marriage must come first.

This book is for good marriages and for any marriage that is in trouble. If you grew up in the US, you have emotional baggage that you need to recognize and deal with, so you can use the information in this book to make your marriage better no matter how good it is right now.

One thing I did appreciate was that Neuman took the cheating partner to task and remonstrated him or her for their bad behavior and told them that it was their responsiblity for what they had done. He should have done that in The Truth About Cheating. I enjoyed this book much better than his new one. I felt that he expected the guilty spouse to take more responsibility in this volume.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Valuable information.
This book has so much valuable information any couple could use to strengthen their relationship. I would suggest it to anyone interested in a strong marriage.
Published 10 months ago by K. Whicheloe
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read
I wish I had read this book fifteen years ago when I was first married. However even now it has helped my marriage in ways I wouldn't have believed possible. Read more
Published 13 months ago by Sash
2.0 out of 5 stars Not A Viable Substitute for Qualified Marital Counseling
Over the past two weeks or so, I've been reading M. Gary Neuman's Emotional Infidelity, and blogging it in the same style as I did Rudy Giuliani's Leadership. Read more
Published on May 4, 2009 by Jeffrey Cole
5.0 out of 5 stars Emotional Infedelity How to affair-Proof your Marrige
It is beneficial to everyone who really wants to save their marrige.
Published on March 13, 2009 by Dushyant D. Banker
5.0 out of 5 stars When Marriage Counseling Hasn't Helped...
Thank you, Gary Neuman, for graciously expressing the heart of the marriage promise...and how certain assumptions weasel their way between spouses and reduce what should be the... Read more
Published on February 18, 2008 by PCJ
5.0 out of 5 stars emotions
a great book, a must read for everyone who has thought about marriage or is in a marriage.
Published on November 4, 2007 by M. Randle
5.0 out of 5 stars good read
i enjoy learning more about the jewish faith and jesus christ, so I loved it. It's a must read and you must have your KJV bible along side you to understand the material.
Published on November 8, 2006 by Quincy S. Stallworth
5.0 out of 5 stars Thanks Gary
As per me The book is the best on the subject. What more can I say than Thanking the Author. Mr. Gary Neuman.
Published on September 13, 2005 by Gurvinder Singh
2.0 out of 5 stars Emotional Infidelity: Now your spouse owns your mind as well?
I think this book promotes an unhealthy expectation of marriage. The author's only defense is to keep repeating "Why are you so defensive?" when he mentions his ideas. Read more
Published on August 19, 2005 by Serena BlackCat
1.0 out of 5 stars Look for other sources--
M. Gary Neuman puts fear in the hearts of married people. His notion that emotional infidelity is more dangerous than a sexual affair because everyone wants emotional attachments,... Read more
Published on August 4, 2005 by K. DeVitto
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