Customer Reviews

Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship

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The opening of Stanley Kubrick's last film, "Eyes Wide Shut," presents the depiction of contemporary marital relationship enlightenment: A well-educated upper middle class couple go to a Christmas party where, individually, the husband and the wife are approached by members of the opposite sex. The husband has meaningless banter with two women and the wife shares conversation and a dance with an older man. The husband's encounter is interrupted when his services as a doctor are required by the party's host, a rich man having an affair virtually under his wife's nose, and the wife counters her dancing partner's increasingly suggestive advances by holding up her hand, displaying her marital band, and stating ". . . I'm married."
Soon after, the wife needles her husband with his actions at the party, asking what he did with the two women who approached him, while the man asks about "that guy you were dancing with." This prologue triggers a psychological odyssey by both partners wherein they ultimately come to realize, perhaps with tragic insufficiency, that they have been playing with each others feelings while being almost completely unaware of their own motivations.

Gary Neuman's book similarly delves into the psyche of its readers, challenging us to examine our own encounters with members of the opposite sex. He asks us to question what it is we are honestly looking for when we meet or speak with someone outside of our primary relationship, and he doesn't allow us to get ourselves "off the hook" easily.

Unfortunately several critical reviews of this book border on naivete. I don't see where the author is suggesting that strong emotional ties can't exist outside of a committed relationship. The danger comes when, in such a relationship, people lack the self-awareness to understand, if not their own motivations, those of the person they have developed such a bond with. People often trick themselves, wittingly or unwittingly, into believing that an emotional attachment outside of their primary relationship is healthy when, in fact, it is taking time and attention from one's committed partner. One need only look at the divorce rate to understand that there is a serious problem with commitment and fidelity in our current society, and, as statistics prove, those who stray often do so with someone they have developed a previously platonic bond with.

Vigilance needs to be the catch-word in one's relationships with anyone outside of a primary relationship; vigilance in assessing one's own motivations as well as those of the supposedly platonic partner. I have witnessed numerous instances of people who, although open with their spouses about their own intentions and dealings with a friend, are completely unaware of the friend's true intentions (which can change and grow over time). Things to consider: Is the friend in a committed relationship or single (and does the friend's own significant partner, if any, know of and approve of this alliance)? Does the primary partner know of the friendship in all detail? Has the committed partner met this friend and approve of the friendship? A very important thing to determine is how the primary partner assesses the actions of the friend, either in meeting him or her for the first time, or over the tenor of the friendship. Being a man, I've seen male "friends" exhibit territorial behavior when the spouse or significant other is on the scene. An extremely important observation for this spouse to make is how does one's partner react when concerns about the "friend" are raised? For example, are the spouse's observations about the "friend" valued or dismissed? I have observed numerous relationships wherein the legitimate concerns of one's committed partner are downplayed or discarded, and often with the retort that such comments indicate that the partner concerned about the friendly relationship is "controlling" or "jealous" (ie, "you don't want me to have friends"), or that any problem down the road can be contained ("whatever my friend's motivations, mine are pure"). A similar comment to be aware of is "I'm not doing anything wrong, and I'm not responsible for how the other person ultimately reacts."

In recommending Neuman's book, I made an observation to a friend recently, a single woman, who told me that she often sought the company of married men for conversation because "they were safe" (ie, in a committed relationship and, therefore, unlikely to make advances on her) that it was very likely the men were acting, as Neuman would say, in an emotionally unfaithful manner with their respective marital partners by engaging with an unmarried woman. I saw where at least one of these men became territorial when this single woman was approached or spoke with other men, all but looking on more than one occasion to cut them off. In speaking further with this woman, I learned that her conversations went beyond the ordinary everyday, and that she was openly speaking with these married men about issues she was encountering with the men in her dating life. As Neuman would say, these men had no business advising anyone about anything, as they weren't professionals, and were endangering their own relationships by speaking with a single woman about her intimate life.

Shortly thereafter, this woman confided to me that she had run into one of these married men who she had spoken to individually at least a few days a week for several months when he was out one day with his children. When she went up to him to say hello, thinking he would introduce her to his kids, he became distant, as if he didn't want his family to see her. She then got the "hint" that this man was keeping his encounters with her, and his conversations with her, as part of a private life he did not share with his wife and family, and that he wanted to keep it that way.

I told her that, contrary to the belief of many, married men (and women) are not "safe." They are, instead, married, and their practice of engaging with an opposite sex partner about intimate personal details outside of their marriage was a patent form of infidelity.

Often these alliances outside of one's primary relationship indicate that the one in the friendship is "seeking something," and is not an indication of problems or issues with one's significant other, but rather of a lack with oneself. Often such "friendships" are entered into for the sake of vanity, with the participants liking the attention they receive. Occasionally they are a means of domination and control, both of one's primary partner, and of the "friends". I have observed where people have, through their own actions and comments, all but invited inappropriate advances or overtures (overt or tacit) from the friend, only to retreat behind the maxim "you know I'm married (or in a relationship) and that things can't progress." This person gets the psychic charge they "need" from this advance, while, likely, causing significant upset in the primary relationship. One's committed partner needs to be especially vigilant about patterns that the partner in these friendships exhibits.

And something to be especially aware of is the fact that the supposedly platonic advance is a means of exploiting the proverbial "chink" in the armor of someone in a committed relationship.

Also, even "enlightened" (ie, psychologically astute, self-aware) people can trick themselves into misunderstanding their own motivations, as well as thinking themselves above forming an inappropriate relationship with a friend.

A question anyone needs to ask themselves in forming a bond outside of their primary relationship is "why?" What is the purpose of this relationship, and what are both parties getting out of it? I have seen innoucous work and commuting relationships disrupt, damage and destroy relationships and marriages and, invariably, these start as little more than two people passing the time by speaking of common interests.

Something to always remember is that, with work and other commitments, the time one spends with one's primary partner is extremely limited. I often counsel people, at work, on the commute, or while travelling on business, that, instead of having what appears to be innocuous chit-chat with a "friend", to spend this "down time" on the primary relationship. Pick up the phone or write a letter or e-mail to the significant other, or, most significantly, take time to write a journal entry about this supposed "friend" and one's own motivations (or journal about one's signifiant other).

Accordingly, I applaud the author's commitment to his primary relationship, and especially that he limits new opposite sex encounters to little beyond "shaking hands." This is hardly, as some reviewers claim, limiting one's experience to "half of the population," but is, instead, a discipline that people should themselves try before denouncing. I experimented with this myself on numerous occasions and found that limiting my encounters with members of the opposite sex to the proverbial "business at hand" made such encounters more productive and respectful than those of my associates who engaged in "chit-chat" under the same circumstances.

Over time, Kubrick's brilliant film "Eyes Wide Shut" will be seen as the cinematic symbol of supposed twenty-first century enlightenment. As the characters all but state to each other at the end, "No dream is ever just a dream," and very little is ever what, on the surface, it appears to be.

As a marital therapsit I've found this book to be of exceptional help with my marital patients. It's unusual in how it offers clear direction for a marriage at any stage. I've found it useful to help couples create clear daily goals for their marriage, learn how their parents' marriage has affected them, and how to create a great deal of passion. The book offers such creative activities which I have my patients work on together. There's a great chapter on sex also. It really helps couples focus in on the deeper meaning of sex and has some straightforward advice that every couple must know.
I've found the book great for my patients also because of the stories which really bring the ideas to life and make it a quick read. There are so many books that seem to preach but this one seems to offer a conversation with you. The author seems to have purposely created a book that helps a couple think together and create something unique for themselves.
Most of all, the book is not afraid to tell it like it is. Neuman makes us think about the energy we have to give to our spouse and how much of it goes quickly to the wrong places. He has an especially great piece on accepting our spouse's flaws called "the Mona Lisa was no size two," where he really makes you think about how society has brainwashed us into certain beliefs about our spouses.
I don't usually take the time to write reviews but this is something exceptional that can really help a lot of people. I'll keep buying it for my patients.

Emotional Infidelity focuses on strengthening and healing marriages, but it helped me through the first two years of accepting and healing after my ex-husband's multiple emotional and physical workplace affairs. I purchased this book the day after I found out about my ex's last affair. Hindsight is 20/20, and the scenarios in this book were a blueprint of the last 2 years of my marriage: phone calls at home from "co-workers", working late at the office, and driving to the office in the middle of the night to take care of "security alarm" calls. I read several books to help get through the painful breakup, and Emotional Infidelity was the most insighful and practical book on emotional (and physical) affairs I found. My marriage was over, but reading the book encouraged me to focus on my own strength without my ex.

This book has been mistitled. It's not just about emotional infidelity. It's about a whole lot more. The first chapter is the only part of the book that deals with what Neuman calls emotional infidelity - that is giving your time and attention to someone of the opposite gender who is not your spouse. I whole heartedly agree with his position. You can't split your attention. You have to be very careful how you treat people of the opposite sex because no one intends to do anything, and it always "just happens." Neuman's plan is that you focus your attention on your spouse so that you are so busy with your spouse you don't have the inclination to give anyone of the opposite sex the time to worm their way into your life - in the place where your spouse should be.

The rest of the book is a marriage manual for how to create a great marriage. And Neuman is honest: it takes a lot of work. You have to put a lot of energy into creating the marriage that you want. And both of you have to participate. Neuman includes good exercises that helps people who may not know exactly what to give their spouses or who do not know exactly what their spouse wants from them. He also writes about dealing with children in a marriage and how the marriage must come first.

This book is for good marriages and for any marriage that is in trouble. If you grew up in the US, you have emotional baggage that you need to recognize and deal with, so you can use the information in this book to make your marriage better no matter how good it is right now.

One thing I did appreciate was that Neuman took the cheating partner to task and remonstrated him or her for their bad behavior and told them that it was their responsiblity for what they had done. He should have done that in The Truth About Cheating. I enjoyed this book much better than his new one. I felt that he expected the guilty spouse to take more responsibility in this volume.

If you are married or in a commited relationship and have close friends of the oposite sex and you don't think this is hurting your marriage, buy this book and read it,then have your spouse read it. It is very well written and very informative. It will open your eyes to what you are denying. If your spouse is asking for some time from you and you are giving that time to someone else, your marriage is heading for trouble. Untill my husband read this book he saw no problems with having girl friends. Gary Neumans book has been a great Aid to our marrige. This book should be in every household that desires a truly commited marriage. Thank You Mr. Neuman for the your wonderful words of wisdom.

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Thank you, Gary Neuman, for graciously expressing the heart of the marriage promise...and how certain assumptions weasel their way between spouses and reduce what should be the most profound and requiting relationship of one's life to merely a working arrangement between acquaintances - or worse, divorce. I wish more counselors would read this book...and quit trying to fix troubled marriages by advising us how to "fight fair", "communicate effectively" and "discover your own sense of identity." Mr. Neuman is on target: spouses must NOT waste their energy on others instead of protecting and investing themselves in one another. This is the foundation of a healthy and happy relationship. Also of note: Great practical guidelines for men and women to follow if they want to have a marriage - and reputation - of integrity!

Post Script, 2011: Four years ago, I read this remarkable book and asked my husband to also consider Mr. Neuman's thesis, a very pertinent point for our struggling marriage. He agreed, read the first chapter, but somehow, in all the hustle and labor of his corporate travels, conventions and business-meetings-over-three-meals-a-day, "lost" the book in the bottom of a piece of luggage or moving box. After one particularly extended business excursion, he returned with a third wedding ring, which I found "hidden" in the box which originally held our wedding rings from 26 years ago. Starting at least 10 years earlier, he had become innured to social networking, corporate entertainment budgets which encouraged surreptitious double dating, and enless "get togethers/tweet-ups" with female business acquaintances who were "passing through town" and (when I finally gained access to some of their emails) frankly admitted that they had no actual business to discuss. After our youngest graduated from high school, I filed for divorce. He appears to be unaffected and continues to flirt with an endless parade of "professional" women.

Our 26 year marriage has ended in indescribable pain for me, depression, discouragement, financial ruin for everyone and a miserable model of dysfunctional marriage for our children. Dear reader, the fact that those who rejected Mr. Neuman's advice have seen their marriage dissolve and those who (you'll see among the reviews posted here) paid attention and employed Mr. Newman's wise suggestions have enjoyed a renewed love and thriving marriage tells you what you need to know. This book is well worth the investment of a few dollars for Mr. Neuman's wisdom, but the real value of this volume is in its application!

When I started this book I was having marital issues. But after I read the entire book I was back on track. Thanks to this book my husband and I are able to have a great relationship. We have our date night without the kids, and are able to spend quality time with each other. I recommend this book to not only those with marital troubles, but those who are in love and want to improve their marriage.

The real issue regarding emotional infidelity is not only an opposite sex friendship. I believe that anything or anyone that robs the couple of time with each other, or anything or anyone either spouse uses (consciously or subconsciously) to avoid spending time with the partner, i.e. even friendships with the SAME sex, over involvement with and attachment to the children, career, church, computer, cars, committees, community, causes and many other good or even excellent things, will do the same damage to a marriage, as could any opposite gender friendship. Somehow it's always easier though, to project blame on a person of the opposite sex, rather than turning the spotlight on the marriage itself and doing the tough in depth soul searching work that gets to the root of the problem in both partners. It takes two to make or break a marriage! It takes two who create the conditions at home that would even want someone to stray.

Each couple should have all their priorities straight and expend their primary energy on creating a fulfilling, loving relationship with each other,which definitely includes having a banquet feast at home. Then enjoying and cultivating loving, caring, pure friendships with members of the opposite sex, either singly or as a couple, need never be a threat, but rather an enhancement. If the couple relationship is solid and healthy, there is no need to live in dread and fear of opposite gender friendships! A friend is more like a sister or brother, definitely not a lover in my books!

Sometimes people come against things so strongly in order to cover up their own temptations in that area. If you are too strongly tempted, don't project that onto everyone else and steer clear of temptations.

I have only really looked at the first chapter of this book and skimmed some other parts. I feel the book certainly gives you something to think about. In fact, perhaps it gives you ideas and suggestions that you may feel are completely outrageous, like being friends with people of the opposite sex outside marriage. I think this is the point that most people have a problem with. I think whether or not you agree with that suggestion should depend on your own personal experiences and feelings about that issue. I personally chose not to have close friends of the opposite sex. This I have learned from my own personal life experiences and I am comfortable with my decision. I do feel it makes my marriage much stronger. However I also feel that you have to treat all people with resect and care, same sex or opposite sex. You do have to interact with both genders at work, school, and in the community. Perhaps you should just ask yourself if your level of interaction affects your marriage? Is your spouse ok with it? Are you ok with it? Why would Mr. Neuman make this suggestion and how could it help my marriage?

Overall I think the book is great. It stesses that marriage takes a lot of work (work that can be very enjoyable however). And I do feel that the most important person in your life (your spouse) does deserve you putting in the work. Read the book and apply what may help your marriage. No need to get defensive if you don't agree, like some of the few readers that did not like the book.

This book has changed my marriage. I must be honest that at first I thought it was much too restraining. But I read the WHOLE book and I found that it is so much more than restrictiveness. It taught me how much energy I needed to put into my marriage! I was one of those who just figured love will work things out and my real focus has to be on work and kids. this book showed me how to set up my life in a way that I can have daily focus on my marriage and the love I have for my wife. It works. I took Gary's chanllenge and I reduced my "friendships" with women and guess what? Life went on and my focus on my wife was increased. I didn't realize that I was chatting it up with others and leaving my wife out of the loop too often.
Emotional Infidelity taught me the deeper value of marriage. I'm proud to say I now realize that I NEED my wife. I have a more meaningful understanding of what we can offer each other.
I've finally found a way to love my wife AND my kids and not feel so constantly pulled in every direction. I've learned to look into my past and work with my wife on helping both of us recognize some of our personal intimate weaknesses. We're changing and it's work but I have a differnet marriage and love that I never had because of it.
Don't pass this book up. these people who feel it's too restrictive are either literally jusdgeing a book by it's cover or too scared to face the truth. I didn't have to agree with every work to find a book that changed me and my marriage. Thanks to the author for wise and warm techniques for showing me love I only dreamed of.