Customer Reviews

The Emotional Rape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It

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I have had several long term relationships end in my life and had bounced back. I just could not not put my finger on why my most recent relationship has devastated me. I read every book I could get my hands on regarding relationships, love, bereavment etc nothing really spoke to me. It is such a relief to finally put something tangible with what I have been through. This book is my bible. I am so grateful to have finally found the answers and understanding to what has happened to me. Thank god I found it.

I was abused by my narcissitic mother, and entertained the thought about killing myself for about 10 years.

Although I almost recovered, I still fear people.

This book taught me who I should be wary of to avoid being hurt again. Among many advices in this book about healing methods, ones I found true were laughter, avoidance of evil people, helping others, and religion.

I have worked through a very difficult divorce from a narcissistic physician. It took me years to figure out that I was dealing with a narcissist, and what that meant. What was never explained in all the narcissistic, behavioral and relational literature to my satisfaction, was the emotional insult that I had suffered! I felt enraged, crazy and bereft, but I couldn't really explain what happened to make me feel the way I felt. I could deal with the abandonment and adultery, but I could not deal with the preplanning that went in to the actual divorce. In all my feverish reading, I have never read any literature until this book that helps me deal with the emotional gutting that happened to me. I feel such relief that there is a name for what happened to me, that I am NOT crazy, and that there is hope for recovery.

I am a marriage and family therapist as well as a clinical counselor. I have used this book recently in working with a female client who had been struggling for over ten years from a prior relationship. This client was so relieved to discover that there was actually a name for her "problem". This book does a great job of describing this type of unhealthy relationship, and gives practical and therapeutic ways to take back control of your life. I will continue to use this book in my counseling practice for many years.The Emotional Rape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It

Almost 2 years ago, I witnessed a co-worker subjecting her husband to verbal abuse that defied description. I didn't know what I'd seen but it so shook me that I felt weak and sick and went home early. Once at home, I had to lie down even though I was scolding myself for being irrational - it was just a marital argument etc. But it wasn't. I would eventually come to believe that the co-worker's husband was psychologically abused in such a way that the only word I could attach to it was 'rape'. She 'raped' her husband; the idea seemed so preposterous. There was no actual violence. They had two small boys and a girl - he wouldn't leave the marriage under the circumstances. I was rather haunted by the idea that he was 'still there' and hadn't escaped etc. His manner during the event suggested that he had been through this stripping of dignity and violation before and that they both knew that she was purposefully adding to his emotional scars, and that she would never let him forget this day.
For what crime was she punishing him? He failed to estimate (and schedule) the correct number of moving vans needed to move them out of state on a certain date - now there would be delays. I couldn't wait for them to leave after having seen that because I could not help him but I could not watch, either. And I could not bear to listen to her brag about how she 'taught him' etc. Once they moved, I remained rather haunted by the possibility that a woman could/would rape her husband. Psychologically.
About a year later, I began trying to locate a book that would solve the mystery of what I had witnessed. It would take me a few months to decide this book was the most likely. 'Emotional Rape' is not written by a psychologist or someone in the mental health field; I was both hopeful (because formally science did not recognize this particular 'rape') and worried (what if it was personal pop psychology?)
Initially reading through the scenarios at the front of the book, I was disappointed because I believed the book had not captured 'it' and that I would have to keep looking or write about it myself. I needed proof that what I saw was 'real' damage and perhaps, I reasoned, if I wrote something and others said 'oh yes - that happened to me' then I would have the validation I needed.
I gave up on the book for a few weeks and the next time I picked it up again, I started reading further into the book, starting with the description of H.A.L.F factors. Quietly the pieces began to assemble until the painful moment when I 'saw' it; yes the author has defined the crime correctly; I just couldn't see it in the scenarios.
The man I saw abused by his wife was indeed emotionally raped. There was such a vile repulsive and evil grimace (almost a smile) on her face as she emotionally raped him - it is the stuff of nightmares. The book is positive and supportive and I owe a debt of gratitude to the author. I believe that among the personality disorders, those strong in sociopaths traits are more likely to emotionally rape, followed closely by narcissistic personality disorder.

When I began my journey of healing from being emotionally raped, I was wondering if I would ever really heal from it. I'm still on the road to recovery, but this book has been a true blessing! It has shown me that I can and will recover and that I'm not crazy and that everything I felt or am still feeling is ok. I suggest everyone who has had their soul ripped from them by being emotionally raped to read "The Emotional Rape Syndrome."

This book is invaluable because of the author's understanding of the complex issue of emotional abuse and the process of recovery. His insights appear to be simple, but profoundly change the way a victim understands his experience, which makes recovery possible. It is the one book I recommend above all others on this topic, out of the over a dozen that I have read.

This book is quick and easy to read. It really is about various people exploiting others to their own ends without having any regard to the emotional damage they cause.

It conveys that victims need to realise that their unbalanced emotional state is not their fault and that they should not punish themselves for not realising that they had been duped or deliberately misled, despite the fact that some of them did have niggly misgivings at the beginning of their relationships.

What I don't agree with in the book is that people should have prenuptial agreements. The author thinks that this would not destroy romantic feelings. In most cases, romantic feelings are not the only reason for getting married. The ordinary man on the street seeks, in reality, to fulfill his domestic and emotional needs and gives rewards when these are met. Love may or may not be one of the rewards. Often it may be only material things. It seems that most rich men seek beautiful women to adorn their side and have their children. Only a few men marry for romance and love. So for this author to expect women to agree to prenuptial agreements does seems strange for a psychoanalyst who believes in fairness. This would be unfair because women do not live in a fair society and most women have to give up their jobs to stay at home and look after their children. Therefore, to leave the marriage with nothing would be extremely unfair when men have continued access to earning money. As for Donald Trump, with his brain and eye for business he may have seen his wife as a commodity and a worthy adornment at his side. Therefore, it only seems fair that she should be given alimony to continue the lifestyle she had become accustomed to for a very long period of time. He obviously had not been exploited and went on to marry another beautiful woman. The author using their divorce proceedings as an example was not in my view helpful to his case.

If prenuptials were to take effect, it would be best for women not to marry at all because they can gain more wealth through being single than if they got married and only took back what they had put in at the start of the marriage. It is during the marriage a women gives up a lot of herself while most men continue doing what they did before they got married.

Therefore, in my view, the author failed to be realistic about how people could avoid being hurt and face some devasting fall-outs. However, he attempts to make people aware of the pitfalls of getting married without really knowing their potential spouses and how this can be detrimental to their well-being and their ablilty to trust and love again. What he should have mentioned is that romantic love is not enough in itself a good reason for getting married but that people need be aware, sexual attraction aside, that mutual respect and kindness plus mutual tolerance and a good sense of humour is the best basis for a successful and happy marriage.