Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance [Paperback]

Tian Dayton (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 10, 2007

Do you use substances or engage in compulsive activities to regulate your mood? Do you reach for something sweet, a couple of drinks, or a pack of cigarettes after a difficult day because you can't unwind without them? Do you race to the stores to spend away the day's frustrations or run around in circles taking more time to get less done? If these self-defeating habits sound familiar, Emotional Sobriety will shed light on why and how these coping mechanisms threaten your health and impact resilience.

When we manage the stresses of the day by turning to outside 'mood managers' such as food, sex, work, shopping, gambling, drugs, and alcohol rather than healthier forms of 'self-soothing,' it is because we lack emotional sobriety--the state of processing our thoughts efficiently to bring our emotions into balance, says bestselling author and renowned addictions psychologist Tian Dayton, Ph.D. In her latest book, Emotional Sobriety, Dr. Dayton shares compelling, honest tales of her life experiences and case studies of those she has counseled.

Illustrating that emotional sobriety is a mind/body phenomenon, Dr. Dayton includes ideas on how to attain emotional literacy--the skill of translating feelings into words so that we can use our thought processes to understand and bring our emotions into balance--and how to calm the limbic system so that we can actually experience what we're feeling. The limbic system processes our emotions and governs our mood, appetite, and sleep cycles. Repeated painful experiences, in childhood or adulthood, over which we have no ability or sense of control or escape can oversensitize us to stress andderegulate our limbic system. Dr. Dayton shows you through concrete examples how to bring your emotions and thoughts into balance and learn healthy ways of 'self-soothing' to relieve symptoms of depression, anxiety, rage, and the desire to self-medicate.

Editorial Reviews

Review

'A holistic approach to healing the mind, body, and spirit--which is the essence of healthy recovery. . . . An essential guide to healing the hole in the soul, the hurt in all of us."

--William Cope Moyers, Author of Broken

About the Author

Tian Dayton, Ph.D., has a doctorate in clinical psychology and is Director of Program Development and Staff Training for the Caron Foundation in New York City. Dr. Dayton is a nationally renowned speaker and workshop facilitator and the author of fifteen books on self-help and psychological issues. She is a frequent guest expert on MSNBC, CNN, NBC, Montel, John Walsh, Rikki Lake, Geraldo, and others.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 288 pages
• Publisher: HCI; 1 edition (December 10, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0757306098
• ISBN-13: 978-0757306099
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 6.3 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #24,097 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #8 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Recovery > Adult Children of Alcoholics
  • #57 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Recovery > Alcoholism

More About the Author

TIAN DAYTON, MA, PH.D.,T.E.P. has a masters in educational psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology and is a board certified trainer in psychodrama. She is the director of The New York Psychodrama Training Institute where she runs training groups in psychodrama, sociometry and experiential group therapy (see psychodrama/training groups). Dr. Dayton is a fellow of the American Society of Psychodrama, Sociometry and Group Psychotherapy ASGPP, winner of their scholar's award, executive editor of the Journal of Group Psychotherapy, Psychodrama and Sociometry and sits on the professional standards committee. She was faculty at New York University for eight years teaching psychodrama. Dr. Dayton has been a guest expert on NBC, CNN, MSNBC, Montel, Rikki Lake, John Walsh, Geraldo. She lives in Manhattan and Upstate New York with her husband of thirty five years and near her two adult children Marina Dayton and Alex Dayton.

Tian's professional life and writings have been shaped by her personal experience of growing up with alcoholism and understanding, first hand what a lonley struggle this is for children....but also understanding that this very struggle can be soul opening and lead to deep appreciation of life and its many gifts. Tian has been happilly married to her husband Brandt Dayton for 35 years and they have two wonderful adult children Marina Dayton and Alex Dayton.
She wishes the best to her readers and that her books might be helpful in their healing journey.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

25 of 25 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars why emotions runaway with us, June 1, 2008

By 

DS (Oregon) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance (Paperback)

Awesome, awesome book! The author starts by explaining the way our brains and bodies work, and the way our emotions by-pass the thinking part of the brain, and go to our instinctive survival parts of the brain. She explains how we have body memories of suppressed emotions, and why, when we have been through relationship trauma, we store the pain in our bodies and it causes us to self-medicate with activities or substances that chemically help us to deal with it. With kindness, compassion, and solid factual information, she explains what's going on inside of us, below the surface, and steps to take to release the pain, reframe our thinking, and become whole again. The last part of the book focuses on constructive steps to release pain, retrain ourselves to respond differently, and ways to accomplish the same pleasure and self-nurture that we were seeking, but how to do it in healthy, life-affirming ways. It's a blend of research and information, years and years of experience, and a kind, beautifully written coaching to renew and restore and grow into the person we were meant to be. The tone is respectful, informative, concrete, specific, and hopeful. Reading it was a journey. So rich that I decided after I returned it to the library that I needed to own my own copy. I have never read anything by her before, so I don't know if there are any overlaps, but it's one of the most helpful I have read.

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars ONE BOOK TO RULE THEM ALL. Excellent integration of up-to-date research., September 1, 2009

By 

Thomas Luttrell "M.S. MFT Intern, Theology & ... (Loma Linda, CA, USA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance (Paperback)

I have completed an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and currently am a Ph.D. student and working as a marriage and family therapist intern. I have run psychotherapy groups for several years already with addicts and their families, and I've been trained in multiple therapy modalities (EFT, SFBT, Gestalt, CBT, MI). This is a book that I wish I had written.

Even though I posted this review nine months ago, I continue to recommend this book to both my colleagues and friends. I still have not found any books as comprehensive and balanced, as this book offers the latest research and integrates a spectrum of our field's freshest relationship theories into one book. She helps us move closer toward a "Grand Unified Theory" of therapy and integrates attachment theory, attachment injuries, updates in the codependency literature, research on emotions, PTSD, ADHD, grief, depression, anxiety, and more, and she makes it applicable to the lay person as well as to the therapist.

This book can help clients understand how therapists can help, while giving therapists an updated look at how research on attachment theory can be integrated with the fields of substance abuse. For example, a lot of people still treat substance abuse using old models, using cognitive-only approaches, outdated notions of codependency, and overlooking the role of the brain, emotions, biology, trauma and the family system. She validates the newer approaches of using more experiential, emotionally-focused and systemic approaches with addicts and families and gives us clear language to explain why it works.

Dr. Dayton stops us before we "throw the baby out with the bathwater." The pop psychology concept of "codependency" was popular in the addiction recovery field, but it was criticized mainly because there is little or no scientific evidence to support basic tenets of codependency theory, it became so watered down that it was useless, it seemed that every behavior was codependent, and was generally used as a derogatory label that tended to apply more often to women. Thus, Dr. Dayton prefers to talk about "relationship trauma."

Nevertheless, Dr. Dayton provides her own definition of codependency, but links it to the latest research on adult attachment. You may also be interested in some recent research on codependency & attachment styles I came across by Whiteleather & Doumas (2004). [...] Using the four quadrant model of attachment styles, they correlated the concept of "codependency" with the anxious/preoccupied attachment style.

Dr. Dayton defines codependency using an integration of attachment theory and Bowen family systems theory which I agree with and couldn't have said better: "Codependency, I feel, is fear-based and is a predictable set of qualities and behaviors that grow out of feeling anxious and therefore hypervigilant in our intimate relationships. It is also reflective of an incomplete process of individuation....Though codependency seems to be about caretaking or being overly attuned to the other person, it is really about trying to fend off our own anxiety." (p. 150-151) I believe that both codependency AND counterdependency are maladaptive behaviors used to manage anxiety about relationships--both are terms that I'm seeing appear more often recently. Dr. Dayton believes that these anxious or avoidant behaviors are the result of attachment injuries, or relationship traumas as she calls it.

She EVEN shows how humor and psychodrama are healing, both of which I believe are powerful therapeutic agents. She describes the theories of humor and how laughter is healing, when I thought I was the only therapist who was interested in that. Yeesh! She got (almost) everything that I feel is important, including spirituality.

If I was to write the next reincarnation of her book, I would want to include more Christian spirituality, but that's only because my undergraduate degree is in theology. My ONLY minor criticism was when she connected the Greek concept of "agape" love with romantic love (page 122) and said that it was too "unstable" for the foundation of a family. I don't believe Dr. Dayton truly understands what agape love means. Agape is by definition an unconditional decision to love somebody despite feelings, and therefore is the MOST stable form of love, something we need more of in our relationships. In the Bible, "agape" is used to describe God's unconditional, unmoving love for us despite the things we do wrong.

The only other concern, which is not a bad thing, is that perhaps Dr. Dayton tries to do too much in her book! Whole books have been written on the topics for each chapter, so that she can't dive in too deep on any of them. Her book is monumental in putting all of this into one book. But, at least I can highly recommend this book as a good integration of a broad spectrum of theories for the professional who works with relationship traumas and helping people become more emotionally aware, as well as an advanced overview for the general audience.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars life-changing and original, January 28, 2008

By 

Ruth Riddick (New York City) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance (Paperback)

Thank God for Tian Dayton! Now I have an understanding of how my life has been and a language to describe it. I am relieved and renewed - something I hadn't thought possible. What a gift! I can't recommend this book highly enough - it's clear, concise, compassionate. And life changing! Thank you so much for this wonderful, original work.