Customer Reviews

Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance

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3 star:		(1)
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Awesome, awesome book! The author starts by explaining the way our brains and bodies work, and the way our emotions by-pass the thinking part of the brain, and go to our instinctive survival parts of the brain. She explains how we have body memories of suppressed emotions, and why, when we have been through relationship trauma, we store the pain in our bodies and it causes us to self-medicate with activities or substances that chemically help us to deal with it. With kindness, compassion, and solid factual information, she explains what's going on inside of us, below the surface, and steps to take to release the pain, reframe our thinking, and become whole again. The last part of the book focuses on constructive steps to release pain, retrain ourselves to respond differently, and ways to accomplish the same pleasure and self-nurture that we were seeking, but how to do it in healthy, life-affirming ways. It's a blend of research and information, years and years of experience, and a kind, beautifully written coaching to renew and restore and grow into the person we were meant to be. The tone is respectful, informative, concrete, specific, and hopeful. Reading it was a journey. So rich that I decided after I returned it to the library that I needed to own my own copy. I have never read anything by her before, so I don't know if there are any overlaps, but it's one of the most helpful I have read.

I have completed an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy and currently am a Ph.D. student and working as a marriage and family therapist intern. I have run psychotherapy groups for several years already with addicts and their families, and I've been trained in multiple therapy modalities (EFT, SFBT, Gestalt, CBT, MI). This is a book that I wish I had written.

Even though I posted this review nine months ago, I continue to recommend this book to both my colleagues and friends. I still have not found any books as comprehensive and balanced, as this book offers the latest research and integrates a spectrum of our field's freshest relationship theories into one book. She helps us move closer toward a "Grand Unified Theory" of therapy and integrates attachment theory, attachment injuries, updates in the codependency literature, research on emotions, PTSD, ADHD, grief, depression, anxiety, and more, and she makes it applicable to the lay person as well as to the therapist.

This book can help clients understand how therapists can help, while giving therapists an updated look at how research on attachment theory can be integrated with the fields of substance abuse. For example, a lot of people still treat substance abuse using old models, using cognitive-only approaches, outdated notions of codependency, and overlooking the role of the brain, emotions, biology, trauma and the family system. She validates the newer approaches of using more experiential, emotionally-focused and systemic approaches with addicts and families and gives us clear language to explain why it works.

Dr. Dayton stops us before we "throw the baby out with the bathwater." The pop psychology concept of "codependency" was popular in the addiction recovery field, but it was criticized mainly because there is little or no scientific evidence to support basic tenets of codependency theory, it became so watered down that it was useless, it seemed that every behavior was codependent, and was generally used as a derogatory label that tended to apply more often to women. Thus, Dr. Dayton prefers to talk about "relationship trauma."

Nevertheless, Dr. Dayton provides her own definition of codependency, but links it to the latest research on adult attachment. You may also be interested in some recent research on codependency & attachment styles I came across by Whiteleather & Doumas (2004). [...] Using the four quadrant model of attachment styles, they correlated the concept of "codependency" with the anxious/preoccupied attachment style.

Dr. Dayton defines codependency using an integration of attachment theory and Bowen family systems theory which I agree with and couldn't have said better: "Codependency, I feel, is fear-based and is a predictable set of qualities and behaviors that grow out of feeling anxious and therefore hypervigilant in our intimate relationships. It is also reflective of an incomplete process of individuation....Though codependency seems to be about caretaking or being overly attuned to the other person, it is really about trying to fend off our own anxiety." (p. 150-151) I believe that both codependency AND counterdependency are maladaptive behaviors used to manage anxiety about relationships--both are terms that I'm seeing appear more often recently. Dr. Dayton believes that these anxious or avoidant behaviors are the result of attachment injuries, or relationship traumas as she calls it.

She EVEN shows how humor and psychodrama are healing, both of which I believe are powerful therapeutic agents. She describes the theories of humor and how laughter is healing, when I thought I was the only therapist who was interested in that. Yeesh! She got (almost) everything that I feel is important, including spirituality.

If I was to write the next reincarnation of her book, I would want to include more Christian spirituality, but that's only because my undergraduate degree is in theology. My ONLY minor criticism was when she connected the Greek concept of "agape" love with romantic love (page 122) and said that it was too "unstable" for the foundation of a family. I don't believe Dr. Dayton truly understands what agape love means. Agape is by definition an unconditional decision to love somebody despite feelings, and therefore is the MOST stable form of love, something we need more of in our relationships. In the Bible, "agape" is used to describe God's unconditional, unmoving love for us despite the things we do wrong.

The only other concern, which is not a bad thing, is that perhaps Dr. Dayton tries to do too much in her book! Whole books have been written on the topics for each chapter, so that she can't dive in too deep on any of them. Her book is monumental in putting all of this into one book. But, at least I can highly recommend this book as a good integration of a broad spectrum of theories for the professional who works with relationship traumas and helping people become more emotionally aware, as well as an advanced overview for the general audience.

Thank God for Tian Dayton! Now I have an understanding of how my life has been and a language to describe it. I am relieved and renewed - something I hadn't thought possible. What a gift! I can't recommend this book highly enough - it's clear, concise, compassionate. And life changing! Thank you so much for this wonderful, original work.

Once again, Dr. Dayton has hit the nail on the head. Her writing and insights are always fresh, understandable and practical. She visits and revisits challenging situations with specific, useful guidance for dealing with very complicated emotional issues. I will be adding this one to my collection of her earlier work.

I have just started this book and Tian Dayton hits the nail squarely on the head! As I devour each word, I see myself raw and open like I am looking in a mirror going over my life. I also have the companion workbook and once I started reading, I found that I just could not stop long enough to do the exercises. I plan on diving into the workbook after I finish the book and doing the exercises while re-reading each chapter.

Emotional Sobriety has given me path way into myself, into recognizing my feelings. It also gave me such a clear plan for living a happy and balanced life. Dr. Dayton was able to answered questions no one has been able to answer for me.

St Paul said "That which I would do, I DO NOT. That which I would not,I DO".

If he had read this book, he would have had a much better understanding.

Still reading this, helps me understand the difference between emotions and feelings. How to break cycles by understanding them, being aware of them. Everyone should read this!

This book has some good insights for those in recovery from minor to major trauma, but if you have read books like this before it does not have much to add.