Customer Reviews

Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap

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"Emotional Unavailability" fills a big gap in books about troubled or abusive relationships. The title "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" seemed so promising to me when I was trying to figure out the seemingly inexplicable events of what I had thought was the love of my life, but the book told me nothing of value, so then I read "Women Who Love Too Much". Both books, though female readers seemed to love them, did nothing to explain how someone who claimed to love you could lie to you, steal from you, and abuse and denigrate you to others. The books seemed to blame the victim. I for one would never get together with a man who was abusive. The authors of these books assume that a woman in a bad relationship had agreed to the abuse. This is so wrong. I was seduced by a handsome, loving, successful man who seemed to think I was the best woman he had ever met. Only after I had altered my life course to be with him did the strange behavior start, and in the beginning there was always a good explanation. As my emotional and financial investment became greater, his performance as an emotionally stable person disintegrated. At great cost to myself, I left him, but I still wanted to know what had happened and why. The books I read told me nothing. Only through chance did I read a description of narcissistic personality disorder, and after much research found out that many other women had been through the exact same experience as I had, and that there were books written about such destructive relationships with pathological narcissists. Why didn't the books I had turned to in desperation at least mention the possiblity that the abuser has a personality disorder? "Emotional Unavailability" fills this gap. If you are in a bad relationship, and feel like you are not the one who is crazy, this book is the ideal first step in getting to the heart of the problem. Not only will the book help you figure out what is going on in the head of your abuser, it does not hesitate to tell you to get out of the relationship. This sounds rather obvious, but a lot of self help books give tips on STAYING with an abusive partner, and don't even recommend LEAVING. A very useful book.

Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C. Collins, is an excellent book for everyone of us learning and identifying different patterns of toxic relationships. The author provides excellent examples of these different patterns through his professional experience as a therapist. To become emotionally available, one sometimes need to open up and be vulnerable, allowing themselves to be potentially be hurt. This is the way one needs to do in order to emotionally connect with others to find a content, joyful and peaceful life. When I was reading this book, I can echo the people I have met who fit into those descriptions to a great extent. The Blamers, the Fixers, the Poor Me, the Player, and the Solver... What a great, accurate observation about patterns of people. I also like the way the author who tries to teach readers how to switch from a blaming/poor me position to be the Solver position ("I'm sorry you feel this way. What can I do to make the situation better?") The author also gave a very accurate picture about what therapy can and cannot do.

However, this is my view and thoughts after reading this book. People are not perfect and they never will be. Every one of us carries some sort of a flaw in some sense in handling human relationships. I think sometimes we need to carry appropriate expectations on others. People can be blamers, getting stuck with the victim mentality, the player attitudes. That is just the way people are. Sometimes people exhibit these traits only on certain occasions while others exhibit these behaviors in consistent basis. Some people are worse. They are narcissists and/or sociopaths. For us to live emotionally healthy, I feel that it is our job to set limits of how much manipulation games, lies, blaming words we are going to tolerate in every relationship. If we have determined people are toxic to us, it is time for us to get up and walk away. If they are our loved ones, of course setting limits and boundaries will be challenging. However, it is also about time for us to set healthy boundaries in order to live in an emotionally healthy life. We ultimately want a content, joyful and peaceful life. Sometimes it is hard to separate us from the drama too, especially if the drama was introduced to us since childhood. However, breaking away from the drama some parents/siblings created is the only way to find peace and harmony. It takes work... but I hope everyone of us can identify and learn from our destructive behavior from the past to create a more healthy, loving and caring relationships with others.

For many years now I have been driving myself wild in a relationship with an 'intellectualizer'who never dares bare a hint of genuine reaction.

Then, searching for yet another source of answers, this book jumped right off the shelf. Emotional unavailability...Could any other phrasing describe the situation better? The contents did not let me down. I read the entire book in a single sitting; not that I had time for such things, but it was so well written, said so much, and flowed so easily, that I felt as if Bryn Collins was there in person. She really speaks from heart as well as the mind; there was no hint of arrogance or hidden agendas for her writing, moreso a desire to enlighten those seeking answers.

I must admit, I started reading this book with the idea of "Ah hah! Here is his problem. This fits him perfectly." What really surprised me was to see myself in there as well, in some ways benefiting from the distancing. This time however I was left with the feeling that things really are not hopeless; though the author goes into depth about which types of relationships are fixable and which are not, and how people and relationships evolve to be as they are.

The biggest surprise was seeing my husband pick up the book of his own accord, actually read it, and then comment about what a great book this is. This was definitely a first.

This book changed my life. I had been in the throws of a marriage with an "emotionally unavailable" person for three years when I finally realized the marriage was so extremely empty emotionally that I just couldn't take it anymore. My heart told me this is not how it should be, this is not healthy! I needed answers.

I found this book at the bookstore while browsing through the self help section. When I read this book, it hit home. It was like reading about my marriage and the person I was involved with. It was right on, it answered ALL my questions. To a certain extent, I now wish I had found this book BEFORE I got married. If so, I would have recognized the woman I married was completely "emotionally unavailable" before hand and would have moved on.

In essense, there was a reason why I ended up being married to this person: I became a better person because of the relationship, I gained personal growth, insight, and I learned about myself and what I expect out of a relationship; I found my personal boundaries. Also, I realized I had been in a cycle of dating emotionally unavailable women for about 10 years! This made me wake up and take notice that I too was partially unavailable. I did some deep dwelling on my past relationships and realized my very first love when I was 17 had hurt me so deeply that I had some residue still residing in me that I did not overcome. Being with emotionally unavailable people when you have not dealt with your own will keep you on this cycle. This is talked about in the book.

Having read the whole book in two days, Collins gives pratical advice on how to deal with the emotionally unavailable person. These ideas in the book actually gave me hope that the marriage could be saved. Unfortunaely, the damage had been done, and my wife at the time did not seem to think she had a problem, even though she was hurting me by her lack of emotion and actions residing around this issue - she didn't recognize the pain she was inflicting. I came to realize with my ex wife, as Collins explains it throughout the book: "You didn't break it, you can't fix it" is so very true. At the same time I had hoped to work on us, myself, and support her for some positive change, I found out she was having an extra marital affair with a man I had met before and knew was a "toxic" individual. She lied to me about it. My final personal boundary was crossed, I lost all trust in her. Also, I realized this person had absolutely no idea of the state she was in. Unfortunetly, I had no other choice but to get a divorce. This book helped me with making the decision to stay or go. Although I am always the constant optimist while in a relationship, I knew when to cut my losses and let go, but it hurt me deeply to do so.

Thanks to reading and following the advice in this book it was the best thing I could have done for myself. As the saying goes: "Would you rather be in an unhappy marriage, or be single and happy?" I chose the latter, and I know I am a better person for it. I also will be more prepared for my next relationship, and it will be one of the best I will ever have in my life!

If your spouse or partner seems emotionally distant, I highly recommend this book for practical advice, answers, and resolution.

Update: Years after writing the review, I am now happily married to an "emotionally available" woman and with time and work became emotionally available as well. A little work on yourself goes a long way, and I have to say this book made me recognize my own issues and also see it in others. It helped me grow as a human being.

This was a really good book. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I told him he was "emotionally unavailable". I didn't know there was ACTUALLY a book about it. Anyhow, while I read it, I realized that I was just as emotionally unavailable as he was. I realized I had poor communication skills and was constantly "blaming" him. Anyhow, it's a great book at not only looking at your partner, but looking at yourself to see what kind of self-growth changes need to be made.

Read 'em all - Women Who Love Too Much, Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them, Love Addictions, etc. - but Bryn Collins' book is the end-all, be-all for identifying, avoiding, and healing from emotionally devastating "relationships." Without distracting psychobabble, Collins nails emotional unavailability, in all its forms, precisely on the head. Book contains clear examples, explanations, instructions - and practical (and do-able) solutions, with Bombeck-like wit and insights. Emotional Unavailability is the advice your mother and all your friends would have given you, if only they'd been blessed with Bryn Collins' ability to spark understanding and activate your light bulb. Best book EVER for emotionally-starved lovers past and present, this book should be required reading for entering into an intimate relationship.

Dr Bryn Collins has written a marvellous book about recognising patterns and styles of people who are emotionally unavailable. She writes a very descriptive picture at the start about what it really is like to be with an emotionally unavailable person - and it's just so "spot-on". Dr Collins describes each of the types of emotionally unavailable people using very real examples for each type. Dr Collins also goes on to give you tools for changing and growing and helping you recognise the ways you may be emotionally unavailable. I *love* this book. It should be part of all school's curriculum!! Great work Dr Collins - this is one of the best book's I have read. And I did read it from cover to cover; something I have never done with any other book!

I bought this book without expecting anything much different than others I'd read, but it's totally different. This therapist explains how people get into poor or ineffective or abusive relationships and how to avoid them. She talks about emotions and trust and boundaries with real examples of other people who have messed up and, this was the best thing, how they changed to make it better. I finished reading it with lots of new tools and with a feeling that maybe my relationships could be better and I could be happier. Her advice even works with friends, my boss and my kids. Now, that's a good book!

I read this book a few years back when it came out in hardcover, but it is always right on the money when I compare it to other books that focus on specific personality disorders. This book is very good at giving you a quick, intermediate level overview of different problem character types. Armed with the overview information, you can seek out other resources for more in-depth research. For example, her chapter on the narcissist was a very good overview and many of the traits overlapped with what was spelled out in Scott Wexler's book on passive aggressive behavior.

If you're clueless about your companion, this book is a good place to start looking for answers.

I lived with this issue for many, many years, and the personality charistics presented by the author are right on target.

Living with emotional unavailability is hurtful. You never know when the person is going to be kind, and then the distance happens, leaving so much confusion, resulting in so much pain.

I really recommend this book to see what an emotionally unavailable person is all about. Along with this book I also recommend Barbara Rose's book "Stop Being the String Along" as each book has provided me with life altering, positive guidance, and I learned exactly what to do when I recognize emotional unavailability. They are both OUTSTANDING books, and MUST READS if this is an issue you have been facing in your life. You will find fantastic answers!