The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing [Paperback]

Beverly Engel (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: August 13, 2003

"Engel doesn't just describe-she shows us the way out."
-Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail Praise for the emotionally abusive relationship

"In this book, Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse. . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse. This book is a guide both for individuals and for couples stuck in the tragic patterns of emotional abuse."
-Marti Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse
and coeditor of The Journal of Emotional Abuse

"This groundbreaking book succeeds in helping people stop emotional abuse by focusing on both the abuser and the abused and showing each party what emotional abuse is, how it affects the relationship, and how to stop it. Its unique focus on the dynamic relationship makes it more likely that each person will grasp the tools for change and really use them."
-Randi Kreger, author of The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
and owner of BPDCentral.com

The number of people who become involved with partners who abuse them emotionally and/or who are emotionally abusive themselves is phenomenal, and yet emotional abuse is the least understood form of abuse. In this breakthrough book, Beverly Engel, one of the world's leading experts on the subject, shows us what it is and what to do about it.

Whether you suspect you are being emotionally abused, fear that you might be emotionally abusing your partner, or think that both you and your partner are emotionally abusing each other, this book is for you. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship will tell you how to identify emotional abuse and how to find the roots of your behavior. Combining dramatic personal stories with action steps to heal, Engel provides prescriptive strategies that will allow you and your partner to work together to stop bringing out the worst in each other and stop the abuse.

By teaching those who are being emotionally abused how to help themselves and those who are being emotionally abusive how to stop abusing, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship offers the expert guidance and support you need.

Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

According to therapist Engel (Partners in Recovery), "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse-that is, "any non-physical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious, leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. For books on remedying less severe marital stresses, try Howard Markman and others' hokey but well-intentioned Fighting for Your Marriage.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

According to therapist Engel (The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How To Stop Being Abused and How To Stop Abusing), "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse-that is, "any non-physical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc.), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. (Library Journal, September 15, 2002) --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Wiley; 1 edition (August 13, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0471454036
• ISBN-13: 978-0471454038
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.2 x 0.7 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (38 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #29,671 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #11 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Mental Health > Abuse & Self Defense > Domestic Violence
  • #37 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Mental Health > Abuse & Self Defense > Sexual Abuse
  • #42 in Books > Self-Help > Abuse

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

150 of 153 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally, Help for the ABUSER!, January 10, 2007

By 

John A. Ardelli - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Paperback)

When I recently discovered I had some emotionally abusive tendencies, I wanted to do something to STOP. The problem was, every resource I could find on abusive relationships was aimed at helping the VICTIM and painted the abuser as an incorrigible monster beyond redemption. They all just said to the victim: "Get out now! He'll never change." Now, I'm sure in some cases that's true, but I don't believe it's ALWAYS true. I think that, sometimes, an abuser CAN change if he's willing, and I was.

What *I* needed was a resource for the ABUSER. Something that would help me and my partner work TOGETHER in HELPING me. Something to help us figure out WHY I was acting the way I was acting and to change it. However, as far as I could tell, such a resource didn't seem to exist.

That was until my partner found this book for me. I was ASTONISHED at what I saw. This was the first book I've ever seen that actually tackles abuse from the perspective, not of dissolving the relationship and allowing the victim to escape, but of trying to REBUILD an abuse-damaged relationship and reestablish a healthy foundation for it to continue.

This book paints the abuser, not as a horrible monster, but as a Human being who has simply made mistakes. This book tell you, IF you're willing to made an HONEST EFFORT to change, you CAN, and an abuse damaged relationship CAN be saved, provided BOTH parties are willing to WORK towards that goal.

This book gives hope to BOTH: victim AND abuser.

It's absolutely AMAZING. I STRONGLY recommend it for ANYONE who is in an abusive relationship, particularly if you'd rather work it out than split up. If your relationship can be saved, this book will tell you how. If it's beyond saving, this book will help you recognize that and give you the tools you need to get out and move on. Either way, it addresses BOTH sides of the relationship in a way no other book or resource I've ever seen does and I feel, on that basis, it's probably the strongest self-help resource I've EVER seen on relationship abuse.

103 of 106 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars great book even if the relationship has ended, January 11, 2005

By 

merlot (Texas) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Paperback)

I had a very turbulent relationship and it was nothing like I'd every experienced. It left me feeling sad and depleted BUT I wouldn't let it go no matter what friends an family said or even what I knew I should do. We rarely had intimacy and I always felt guilty and like I needed to care for this person often at my own expense. When the relationship finally ended he was verbally abusive and threatened me (though not specifically) and said that I was going to pay for how I treated him.

I bought this book after the relationship ended in an effort to understand what happened. As I read this book I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had been emotionally abused. Since the relationship had ended the most helpful aspects for me were reflecting and understanding what happened and learning to let go of the guilt I always felt even about the relationship ending and me not wanting to have this person in my life.

I recommend this book. I'm not completely healed from it all but it has helped me understand things a lot more and helped me to move in a more positive direction in my life. I also appreciated the signs to spot an abuser so I can avoid that type of a relationship again.

54 of 55 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Guide for Those Suffering The Pain of Abuse, March 8, 2003

By 

Lynn Dudenhoefer (Plymouth, MN United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Hardcover)

I could not put this book down. Most "self-help" books lay on my shelf half read, but this one was a real page turner. The author does an excellent job describing the forms of emotional abuse and helps you understand the dynamics behind it. She also provides helpful information in the book for the abuser. The best part of her book is the information she provides at the end of the book for changing your life so you can begin to seek out healthy relationships. She provides concrete, tangible things you can do to help raise your self-esteem and to identify the warning signs in possible abusers!