Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children [Paperback]

Joan Friedman (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 12, 2008

Most parents try to treat their twins as individuals, but most unwittingly undermine their best intentions because they lack a practical set of guidelines for raising emotionally healthy multiples. Drawing on her unique experience as a twin, the mother of twins, and as a psychotherapist, Dr. Joan A. Friedman outlines the seven key concepts for helping twins develop into self-realized, unique individuals and offers parents specific strategies for each stage in their children’s growth. From how to set up the nursery to handling playdates and extracurricular activities, from deciding on same or separate classroom education to encouraging grandparents and other family members to think beyond the pair to see individuals, Emotionally Healthy Twins will become the standard reference for parenting twins.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"[A] wonderful resource.”—Staten Island Advance

“For anyone expecting or raising multiples, this book needs to be on their recommended reading list!...An important addition to the reading resources for anyone raising their multiples.”—MultipleBirthsFamilies.com

“[Friedman’s] tone is both authoritative and kind. This book is essential reading for anyone seeking to understand the complex psychological issues that twins and their parents face Armed with excellent strategies, Friedman shares her experience and knowledge to help parents combat their misguided impulses. This book gives me hope that life will be easier for the next generation of twins.”—California Society for Clinical Social Work’s “Clinical Update” newsletter

“Full of information and very handy and practical tips It is richly flavored with tips and tricks that are certainly very practical for the busy parents of twins...Friedman’s book makes a valuable and novel contribution to the twin parenting literature and is one that I will recommend to other parents of twin and indeed to parents of multiple singletons.”—Twin Research and Human Genetics

“Offers advice to frazzled parents.”—Brooklyn Daily Eagle

“A wonderfully enlightening book that brings raising twins into the 21st Century.”—Mad about Multiples blog

“Well worth a read…Thought-provoking.”—Twins, Triplets, and More, 8/08

“An excellent book.” —TwinsTalk.com, 8/27/08

“Will become the standard reference for parenting twins.”—TWINS, October 2008

“Will become the standard reference for parenting twins.”—Twins, July 2009
 

About the Author

In her practice as a therapist, Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D., specializes in dealing with twin-related issues. She lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband and five children.

Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: Da Capo Press (February 12, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0738210870
• ISBN-13: 978-0738210872
• Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.6 x 8.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (26 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #62,163 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #8 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Twins & Multiples
  • #23 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Siblings

More About the Author

It was quite special and unique growing up as Jane and Joan - the twins
who moved to Los Angeles from Detroit. Our "twin star status" certainly helped to make our social and emotional adjustments less stressful.
However, as twins mature, they often feel as if they are lacking a unique identity. Their struggles "to be known" as individuals can take some calamitous turns.
I have written Emotionally Healthy Twins for parents who may be unaware of the
emotional struggles that are inherent within twinships. Most people, for a variety of reasons, idealize the twin bond. Therefore, they do not understand
how twin relationships can frequently interfere with burgeoning emotional development.
As an identical twin, the mother of five including fraternal twin boys, and an
expert in treating twins and their families, I have written this book to educate parents about developmental issues that influence twin attachments and how parents can address these concerns with practical knowledge and psychological expertise.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

18 of 18 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars This book totally changed my thinking for the better! June 26, 2009

By flowered-up

Format:Paperback

I only wish I'd found this book sooner -- it's the one book that's had the greatest positive impact on how I think about raising my identical twin toddler boys. Dr. Friedman hits it right on the head from the start: twins just happen to be born at roughly the same moment in time but need to live life as two unique individuals. And parents can help this process by enabling their children to have truly separate and unique experiences AND relationships that support the development of a healthy sense of self.

Dr. Friedman's discussion early in the book about the "twin mystique" sets the tone for her later observations and parenting suggestions. This "mystique" is a set of faulty ideals about twins that are held in popular culture: they inhabit their own private world that only they hold the map to; they feel lost without each other and want to preserve their twosome status into adulthood; one always knows what the other one needs, therefore twins are "each other's predestined partner and confidant."

I consider myself a thoughtful, educated and empathic person and parent, and never thought I'd fall into the mindset of this mystique, but this book totally challenged many of my beliefs about twins. And I thank the author for that! I don't pretend to know what being a twin is like, but I now know a lot more about the issues surrounding their healthy development. Friedman's personal story about discovering the need for alone time with each twin really struck an instant chord with me. I can't believe (and kick myself hard!) that I hadn't embraced this idea sooner - it's a remarkably simple solution to the overwhelming feeling of not being mom enough for two little ones who need a lot of your constant attention.

I agree, this approach has greatly improved our family relationships and I think it's also relieved our sons of the pressure to be together all the time. Heck, I'd want to kill someone if I spent every waking moment with them, who wouldn't? Our sons now have time just to be themselves without worry of how it's affecting the other - positively or negatively. And their happy little "reunions" after alone time away from each other are so sweet that I know we're doing the right thing for them. I hope this has set the groundwork for less sibling rivalry and fighting in the coming years. And generally happier children.

And that's not all -- the chapter "Fathers and Babies, Fathers and Mothers" is worth the price of the book, and then some. Not to be funny, but I think this book will save more than one twin parent marriage. It can be very stressful to navigate all the mental, physical and emotional needs of twins. Dr. Friedman very respectfully speaks about the care and needs of both mother and father and how each can better understand each other while parenting twin children.

I can't recommend this book highly enough. I have done just that, to every twin parent friend I know -- who are many. I hope you find this book to be just what you need to give yourself a break from guilt and frustration, and to embrace the amazing and loving task of raising two unique, happy and healthy people.

16 of 17 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting perspective, but not as useful as I wanted it to be February 17, 2011

By J. Grantham

Format:Paperback

This book has a definite point of view, so reading it can be thought-provoking, even if you don't agree -- sort of like listening to Ron Paul, or to a vegan. Friedman throws down the gauntlet early in the book, with this suggestion of how to announce the impending arrival of twins.

PARENT-TO-BE: I have wonderful news! Brad and I are going to be the parents of two babies!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: What do you mean? Are you saying you're having twins?
PARENT-TO-BE: Yes, but we're already thinking about them as two separate children, because that's what they are: two separate babies born at the same time.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: What's wrong with calling them twins?
PARENT-TO-BE: Nothing's wrong with it. It's just that Brad and I feel strongly about relating to our babies as two distinct children rather than as a pair. And we hope that our friends and family will treat them as individuals as well.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Hmmmm. Okay, well congratulations, anyhow!

"Two separate babies born at the same time" -- if only there were a more succinct way of saying that. Oh, wait, there is --- throughout much of the book Friedman uses the term "same-age siblings". The term would probably be less grating if she said something like, "I'm using this term interchangeably with the term 'twin' to drive home the point that they don't need to be treated like a pair anymore than non-twin siblings." But instead we're left to guess at the reasoning behind her goofy coinage. Other than language weirdness, here are my other problems with this book:

* She gives no consideration to a cost/benefit analysis of her favorite prescription: alone time between a parent and one twin. I agree, it's great when I get to spend one-on-one time with one of my sons, but I can't imagine hiring a babysitter for one of them to provide this alone time with the other. Besides, don't you get this time naturally over the course of the day -- or do everybody else's twins synchronize their sleep schedule much better than ours do?
* She places such emphasis on the potential problems that she fails to discuss the nature of an "emotionally healthy" twin relationship. Maybe as a psychotherapist, it's natural for her to dwell on problems created by too little individuation, but it would be good to find examples of how twins relate to each other in a healthy way.
* Here's an example she gives about emotionally unhealthy twin behavior: "David's friends would often call him to get together -- to go to the park or movies or a party -- and at times David didn't go out with them because he felt badly that Jonny wasn't included." But wait -- that example is of her own children, whom she raised with this allegedly wonderful "new philosophy". So either the philosophy doesn't work, or some amount of twin drama is inevitable and parents need to focus more on managing it than on preventing it by treating their children as if they aren't twins. Possibly both.
* She makes almost no distinction between different types of twins -- identical versus fraternal, boy/girl versus same-sex. Perhaps she feels that the distinctions don't matter in terms of how you should treat your twins. But certainly they matter in terms of how twins are perceived -- identical twins are more likely to be perceived as "one and the same", and I suspect conflict among twins is discouraged more in girl/girl twins than in other configurations.

This list of complaints shouldn't indicate that I found the book useless -- her passionate advocacy for the "two unique children" was, at times, eye-opening. When she talks about the need to learn each child's individual personality, she warns against the common pitfall of defining a twin's personality only in terms of his sibling. So you'd have "the active one" and "the quiet one", when what you really mean is "more active/quiet than the other one" -- not really a way of treating someone as an individual. That hadn't occurred to me before, and it's something I'll keep in mind.

Ultimately, though, this book left me lacking a clear picture of what raising emotionally healthy twins is like. Perhaps, as my wife suggested, the next book I read should be a more generic one rather than one solely about twins. Perhaps Friedman is right that the "twin mystique" is a source of a lot of twin problems.

20 of 23 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars informative but a little much at times April 22, 2008

By Twinmama

Format:Paperback

I like, and agree with, a lot of what the author says, especially the individual identities approach. Although my twin boys are fraternal and don't look at all alike, we have still worked hard to keep them from thinking of themselves as "the twins" rather than each boy as his own person. So she had me at hello, in a way.

I think hers is the best, most well-reasoned out argument for putting twins in separate classrooms that I've come across. I'm intrigued by the suggestion of giving each twin his own birthday party (although I am thinking, for budget reasons, in our house maybe we'll just start out with each twin getting his own birthday cake).

That said, I can't get completely behind this approach. I can understand wanting the twins to be their own identities beyond "the twins," but at the same time, the twin thing is a very special connection and I really am reluctant to do anything to break that connection. I'm certainly not going to stop buying them matching (or slightly different -- same shirt in different colors) clothing to underline their individual identities. Believe me, if my children didn't want to wear matching clothes, they wouldn't! But they enjoy dressing alike...for now, anyway. When they're not so into it as they grow up, I'll stop buying them matching clothes. But in the meantime, I really don't see how it hurts them.