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15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
This book totally changed my thinking for the better!, June 26, 2009
This review is from: Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children (Paperback)
I only wish I'd found this book sooner -- it's the one book that's had the greatest positive impact on how I think about raising my identical twin toddler boys. Dr. Friedman hits it right on the head from the start: twins just happen to be born at roughly the same moment in time but need to live life as two unique individuals. And parents can help this process by enabling their children to have truly separate and unique experiences AND relationships that support the development of a healthy sense of self.
Dr. Friedman's discussion early in the book about the "twin mystique" sets the tone for her later observations and parenting suggestions. This "mystique" is a set of faulty ideals about twins that are held in popular culture: they inhabit their own private world that only they hold the map to; they feel lost without each other and want to preserve their twosome status into adulthood; one always knows what the other one needs, therefore twins are "each other's predestined partner and confidant."
I consider myself a thoughtful, educated and empathic person and parent, and never thought I'd fall into the mindset of this mystique, but this book totally challenged many of my beliefs about twins. And I thank the author for that! I don't pretend to know what being a twin is like, but I now know a lot more about the issues surrounding their healthy development. Friedman's personal story about discovering the need for alone time with each twin really struck an instant chord with me. I can't believe (and kick myself hard!) that I hadn't embraced this idea sooner - it's a remarkably simple solution to the overwhelming feeling of not being mom enough for two little ones who need a lot of your constant attention.
I agree, this approach has greatly improved our family relationships and I think it's also relieved our sons of the pressure to be together all the time. Heck, I'd want to kill someone if I spent every waking moment with them, who wouldn't? Our sons now have time just to be themselves without worry of how it's affecting the other - positively or negatively. And their happy little "reunions" after alone time away from each other are so sweet that I know we're doing the right thing for them. I hope this has set the groundwork for less sibling rivalry and fighting in the coming years. And generally happier children.
And that's not all -- the chapter "Fathers and Babies, Fathers and Mothers" is worth the price of the book, and then some. Not to be funny, but I think this book will save more than one twin parent marriage. It can be very stressful to navigate all the mental, physical and emotional needs of twins. Dr. Friedman very respectfully speaks about the care and needs of both mother and father and how each can better understand each other while parenting twin children.
I can't recommend this book highly enough. I have done just that, to every twin parent friend I know -- who are many. I hope you find this book to be just what you need to give yourself a break from guilt and frustration, and to embrace the amazing and loving task of raising two unique, happy and healthy people.
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19 of 22 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
informative but a little much at times, April 22, 2008
This review is from: Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children (Paperback)
I like, and agree with, a lot of what the author says, especially the individual identities approach. Although my twin boys are fraternal and don't look at all alike, we have still worked hard to keep them from thinking of themselves as "the twins" rather than each boy as his own person. So she had me at hello, in a way.
I think hers is the best, most well-reasoned out argument for putting twins in separate classrooms that I've come across. I'm intrigued by the suggestion of giving each twin his own birthday party (although I am thinking, for budget reasons, in our house maybe we'll just start out with each twin getting his own birthday cake).
That said, I can't get completely behind this approach. I can understand wanting the twins to be their own identities beyond "the twins," but at the same time, the twin thing is a very special connection and I really am reluctant to do anything to break that connection. I'm certainly not going to stop buying them matching (or slightly different -- same shirt in different colors) clothing to underline their individual identities. Believe me, if my children didn't want to wear matching clothes, they wouldn't! But they enjoy dressing alike...for now, anyway. When they're not so into it as they grow up, I'll stop buying them matching clothes. But in the meantime, I really don't see how it hurts them.
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Not very realistic......, June 30, 2010
This review is from: Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children (Paperback)
I'm not very impressed with this book.
First, I can't imagine having told others that I would be a mom to two babies....rather than say 'twins'. Let's get real!
Second, being a parent is a joint effort. The dad doesn't just support the mom, it has to go both ways, especially in the real world where either just the mom works or where both parents work outside the home just to make ends meet.
In theory, I'm sure the author means well. But I think she might be just a little bitter about her own upbringing and that definitely shows through her work.
If I had the choice again, I'm not sure I would have spent the money on this book.
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