Customer Reviews

Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I only wish I'd found this book sooner -- it's the one book that's had the greatest positive impact on how I think about raising my identical twin toddler boys. Dr. Friedman hits it right on the head from the start: twins just happen to be born at roughly the same moment in time but need to live life as two unique individuals. And parents can help this process by enabling their children to have truly separate and unique experiences AND relationships that support the development of a healthy sense of self.

Dr. Friedman's discussion early in the book about the "twin mystique" sets the tone for her later observations and parenting suggestions. This "mystique" is a set of faulty ideals about twins that are held in popular culture: they inhabit their own private world that only they hold the map to; they feel lost without each other and want to preserve their twosome status into adulthood; one always knows what the other one needs, therefore twins are "each other's predestined partner and confidant."

I consider myself a thoughtful, educated and empathic person and parent, and never thought I'd fall into the mindset of this mystique, but this book totally challenged many of my beliefs about twins. And I thank the author for that! I don't pretend to know what being a twin is like, but I now know a lot more about the issues surrounding their healthy development. Friedman's personal story about discovering the need for alone time with each twin really struck an instant chord with me. I can't believe (and kick myself hard!) that I hadn't embraced this idea sooner - it's a remarkably simple solution to the overwhelming feeling of not being mom enough for two little ones who need a lot of your constant attention.

I agree, this approach has greatly improved our family relationships and I think it's also relieved our sons of the pressure to be together all the time. Heck, I'd want to kill someone if I spent every waking moment with them, who wouldn't? Our sons now have time just to be themselves without worry of how it's affecting the other - positively or negatively. And their happy little "reunions" after alone time away from each other are so sweet that I know we're doing the right thing for them. I hope this has set the groundwork for less sibling rivalry and fighting in the coming years. And generally happier children.

And that's not all -- the chapter "Fathers and Babies, Fathers and Mothers" is worth the price of the book, and then some. Not to be funny, but I think this book will save more than one twin parent marriage. It can be very stressful to navigate all the mental, physical and emotional needs of twins. Dr. Friedman very respectfully speaks about the care and needs of both mother and father and how each can better understand each other while parenting twin children.

I can't recommend this book highly enough. I have done just that, to every twin parent friend I know -- who are many. I hope you find this book to be just what you need to give yourself a break from guilt and frustration, and to embrace the amazing and loving task of raising two unique, happy and healthy people.

I like, and agree with, a lot of what the author says, especially the individual identities approach. Although my twin boys are fraternal and don't look at all alike, we have still worked hard to keep them from thinking of themselves as "the twins" rather than each boy as his own person. So she had me at hello, in a way.

I think hers is the best, most well-reasoned out argument for putting twins in separate classrooms that I've come across. I'm intrigued by the suggestion of giving each twin his own birthday party (although I am thinking, for budget reasons, in our house maybe we'll just start out with each twin getting his own birthday cake).

That said, I can't get completely behind this approach. I can understand wanting the twins to be their own identities beyond "the twins," but at the same time, the twin thing is a very special connection and I really am reluctant to do anything to break that connection. I'm certainly not going to stop buying them matching (or slightly different -- same shirt in different colors) clothing to underline their individual identities. Believe me, if my children didn't want to wear matching clothes, they wouldn't! But they enjoy dressing alike...for now, anyway. When they're not so into it as they grow up, I'll stop buying them matching clothes. But in the meantime, I really don't see how it hurts them.

I'm not very impressed with this book.
First, I can't imagine having told others that I would be a mom to two babies....rather than say 'twins'. Let's get real!
Second, being a parent is a joint effort. The dad doesn't just support the mom, it has to go both ways, especially in the real world where either just the mom works or where both parents work outside the home just to make ends meet.
In theory, I'm sure the author means well. But I think she might be just a little bitter about her own upbringing and that definitely shows through her work.
If I had the choice again, I'm not sure I would have spent the money on this book.

In my book, "It's Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence," I stress the importance of promoting individuality in twin children. People often view twins as a set and fail to identify and distinguish the unique characteristics of each child. Even twins themselves may see themselves as an extension of each other, rather than as their own person. While it's a wonderful thing to have this loving and supportive bond between twins, it can also be detrimental to twins if they fail to achieve their own individual potential, form relationships with others, or develop a healthy self-esteem.

Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D., an identical twin and the mother of twin boys, has written an excellent book on raising two distinct individuals who just happen to be twins. In "Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children," Dr. Friedman, a psychotherapist, breaks down her "parenting-of-twins philosophy" into 7 key concepts:

1. Think of your twins as two unique individuals.
2. Expect to have different feelings for each child.
3. Give each child consistent "alone time" with you. They need it in order to adequately bond with you.
4. Don't attempt to provide a "fair and equal" childhood for your twins.
5. Don't compare twins to each other; each is on his or her unique life path.
6. Encourage twins to pursue their own friendships and interests.
7. Don't rely on your twins to be each other's constant companion or surrogate parent.

If you're pregnant with twins, she explains how to mentally prepare for two separate babies. If you're raising twin babies, preschoolers, elementary school kids, preteens and teens, or young adults, separate chapters are devoted to meeting their emotional needs. There's even a chapter for fathers of twins, which will improve both their parenting and partnering skills. "Emotionally Healthy Twins" is an excellent book that addresses the unique challenges faced by parents of twins -- issues that aren't addressed in standard parenting books.

"Raising Emotionally Healthy Twins" fills the space earlier reserved exclusively for Dr. Spock, except that
it defines the understanding necessary to cope with the thrills, worries and trials attached to a 'two fer.'
Dr. Friedman has written what I deem to be the ultimate guide to the healthy development of twins - one that speaks from the heart as well as the mind. This is a book which needs to be read by every twin parent.

Miriam Harris, Ph.D.

Gives good food for thought on raising twins. I think it's more for identical twin pairs and how to make them feel like individuals.

Ms. Friedman has written a wonderfully enlightening book that brings raising twins into the 21st Century. She is an identical twin herself, as well as a mother of twins. In addition, she specializes in the treatment of twin-related issues in her practice as a psychotherapist. These experiences have given her a unique perspective on the needs of twins that she has developed into what she calls a new "parenting of twins philosophy."

According to Friedman, a lack of psychological boundaries between twins can lead to confused roles and cause problems once they attend school and begin to make friends. She encourages a new perspective of twins, one that views them as two individuals who happen to have been conceived and born at the same time. Along this theme, she advocates the separation of twins as a way to help them develop their own unique identities.

As a mother of 3-year-old twins, I am all too aware of the debate and controversy surrounding the issue of when, or even if, to separate twins from each other, whether it's putting them in different cribs, different rooms, or different classes at school. Ms. Friedman provides a depth of understanding of this issue that brings it to a whole new level and introduces many new ideas that had me re-thinking how I both parent and perceive my twins.

I thank Ms. Friedman for her valuable insight and experience into the psychological world of twins and will take her suggestions to heart as I try to navigate the sometimes complex world of twins.

This book has a definite point of view, so reading it can be thought-provoking, even if you don't agree -- sort of like listening to Ron Paul, or to a vegan. Friedman throws down the gauntlet early in the book, with this suggestion of how to announce the impending arrival of twins.

PARENT-TO-BE: I have wonderful news! Brad and I are going to be the parents of two babies!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: What do you mean? Are you saying you're having twins?
PARENT-TO-BE: Yes, but we're already thinking about them as two separate children, because that's what they are: two separate babies born at the same time.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: What's wrong with calling them twins?
PARENT-TO-BE: Nothing's wrong with it. It's just that Brad and I feel strongly about relating to our babies as two distinct children rather than as a pair. And we hope that our friends and family will treat them as individuals as well.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: Hmmmm. Okay, well congratulations, anyhow!

"Two separate babies born at the same time" -- if only there were a more succinct way of saying that. Oh, wait, there is --- throughout much of the book Friedman uses the term "same-age siblings". The term would probably be less grating if she said something like, "I'm using this term interchangeably with the term 'twin' to drive home the point that they don't need to be treated like a pair anymore than non-twin siblings." But instead we're left to guess at the reasoning behind her goofy coinage. Other than language weirdness, here are my other problems with this book:

* She gives no consideration to a cost/benefit analysis of her favorite prescription: alone time between a parent and one twin. I agree, it's great when I get to spend one-on-one time with one of my sons, but I can't imagine hiring a babysitter for one of them to provide this alone time with the other. Besides, don't you get this time naturally over the course of the day -- or do everybody else's twins synchronize their sleep schedule much better than ours do?
* She places such emphasis on the potential problems that she fails to discuss the nature of an "emotionally healthy" twin relationship. Maybe as a psychotherapist, it's natural for her to dwell on problems created by too little individuation, but it would be good to find examples of how twins relate to each other in a healthy way.
* Here's an example she gives about emotionally unhealthy twin behavior: "David's friends would often call him to get together -- to go to the park or movies or a party -- and at times David didn't go out with them because he felt badly that Jonny wasn't included." But wait -- that example is of her own children, whom she raised with this allegedly wonderful "new philosophy". So either the philosophy doesn't work, or some amount of twin drama is inevitable and parents need to focus more on managing it than on preventing it by treating their children as if they aren't twins. Possibly both.
* She makes almost no distinction between different types of twins -- identical versus fraternal, boy/girl versus same-sex. Perhaps she feels that the distinctions don't matter in terms of how you should treat your twins. But certainly they matter in terms of how twins are perceived -- identical twins are more likely to be perceived as "one and the same", and I suspect conflict among twins is discouraged more in girl/girl twins than in other configurations.

This list of complaints shouldn't indicate that I found the book useless -- her passionate advocacy for the "two unique children" was, at times, eye-opening. When she talks about the need to learn each child's individual personality, she warns against the common pitfall of defining a twin's personality only in terms of his sibling. So you'd have "the active one" and "the quiet one", when what you really mean is "more active/quiet than the other one" -- not really a way of treating someone as an individual. That hadn't occurred to me before, and it's something I'll keep in mind.

Ultimately, though, this book left me lacking a clear picture of what raising emotionally healthy twins is like. Perhaps, as my wife suggested, the next book I read should be a more generic one rather than one solely about twins. Perhaps Friedman is right that the "twin mystique" is a source of a lot of twin problems.

I did not like this book at all. It is basically a mother telling you how healthy her multiples are and what she did to result in this. I wonder if I can live up to her standards!

Initially I felt this book laid the "treat your twins as distinct, whole individuals entitled to separate experiences and relationships" message on a little thick. After reading through the sections on babies, toddlers, preschoolers, and so on up to adults, the book convinced me how critical it is to give your twins early and frequent separate experiences and not to buy into the "twin mystique", which can be emotionally damaging to them. However, by the end of the book, my enthusiasm for having twins was a little deflated, as it seemed there was only a slim chance that they could escape childhood without issues. Nonetheless, I was impressed with the collected wisdom presented in the book and will definitely make some changes in my parenting plan for my babies. I think I'll look for a little more uplifting or inspiring book for the next twin read...