Customer Reviews

The Empty Room: Understanding Sibling Loss

5 star:		(18)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

My girlfriend found this book online and bought it for me. My brother recently died on July 29th and I've been lost ever since. This book reads similar to my brother's illness (Aplastic Anemia) that ultimately killed him. The only part about this book that really didn't go along with the way I was feeling was the chapter on twins. The person she interviewed had his good points but I agree more with the author on the issue of who's grief is "worse". Everybody that knew the deceased should be allowed to grieve them equally. It's not a contest.

I recommend this book to anyone who is grieving the loss of a sibling or is friends with someone who is. Even though you may not be experiencing a loss, there are some ways to equalize each person's grief over the lost person. Instead of saying this is your parents' loss or your sibling's family (if they are adult and married), this is your (the sibling's) loss too.

I especially liked the resources in the back pages, there are a few helpful websites as well as several books and movies.

This book can really save lives. I found myself unable to stop reading it. I finished it in just over two days and I felt a sense of calm. This book isn't a magical cure for the ailment of grief but it did help me, at least, begin to look at my grief as my grief and now I can begin my journey to finding and redefining who I am and who my sibling was. Thanks so much!

This book is essential for anyone trying to cope with the loss or a brother or sister. I'm not aware of any other book that takes such a hard, honest, and brilliantly insightful look at this long-overlooked emotional crisis. DeVita-Raeburn tells the heartbreaking story of the loss of her older brother, who lived alone in a sterile room for 8 years, and died at 17. (He became one of the inspirations for the trivializing "bubble boy" movie some years ago.) At her brother's funeral, relatives and friends told her to be strong, because this was very hard for her parents. But what about her? For years she struggled to understand what for her was a profound loss, but one that psychologists and psychiatrists didn't recognize. Parents suffer when they lose a child; everyone knows their grief must be almost impossible to bear. But siblings are supposed to "get over it" somehow. They are supposed to be too young to suffer. DeVita-Raeburn destroys that myth with the stories of 77 people she interviewed who had lost siblings, most of whom had found it difficult or impossible to pick up the pieces of their lives after they'd lost a brother or sister. The loss was devastating not only when the lost sibling was a child, but when people lost a brother or a sister after spending many decades together. Anyone who has lost a brother or a sister, or who has friends or relatives coping with such a loss, should pick up this book today.

I could not put this book down and I can't stop talking about it. The writer's grief, her ability to painfully reveal the extent of her loss from her brother's death while interviewing others who have lost siblings, some who have lost twins, was difficult to read without crying. By revealing her story and the stories of others who have lost siblings, she has reminded me to pay attention to my own siblings, our memories and our experiences. Her study of grief, is both terribly sad, and hopeful.

I stumbled across this book at the library, threw it in my basket and assumed I would read a few pages before getting bored or turned off. (I've found that a lot of grief books tend to be too 'textbook' or too 'religious', or just way too sappy.)
However, once I started this book I couldn't put it down, and I was upset when it was done, as I wanted to read more!

My younger brother died 2 years ago, and my father died a year ago. Almost 8 years ago, I gave birth to twins - one of who died at age 8 months.
Raeburn has a wonderful way of putting into words so much of what I have been feeling over the years regarding these losses - and how these losses have shaped the person I am now. I can't begin to tell you how nice it was to read that others had the same thoughts and fears as I do.

I picked this book up at the local library and could not put it down. I have also survived the loss of a sibling and could relate in every word that Ms. Raebern wrote. It seems that all who lose siblings at any age have a common thread and this book will help others who have not experienced this type of loss to understand our feelings and way of living after surviving a tragedy such as losing a sibling. I give Ms. Raebern more than 5 stars for understanding what it was that I went through and still live so many years later.

I lost my 21-year-old brother to a drug overdose last year, and have been looking for months for book I could relate to. This was it. Most everything else I found on sibling loss was 20 years old or religious. I have given copies to people in their 20s and in their 50s. Though the book focuses a bit more on childhood losses, it has common sense info for everyone on how to process the unique loss of a brother or sister.

Wow! DeVita-Raeburn does an excellent job of depicting the feelings of loss shared by a sibling after the death of their brother or sister. I have read a great deal of sibling loss books since the death of my brother, and none have echoed my feelings more clearly. It is written with incredible insight and courage, and is a must read for anyone who has suffered the loss of a sibling, or knows someone who has.

What a beautifully written book-and a sensitive exploration of a subject that's long gone ignored. Too few writers (and experts) have looked at the tremendous impact of losing a sibling, but DeVita bravely takes it all on. She not only tells her own story, but also talks to dozens of other people who have lost beloved siblings and puts it all together with amazing depth, grace and a sense of love. I cried a lot while reading this book, but came away happier for having read it. So wonderful, and so helpful for anyone who has lost a brother or sister.

Our son's death at age 16 was dealt with for almost 5 years by his siblings (ages 12 and 17 at the time) by not talking about their emotions and the effects on how they viewed their own lives. Their current feeling are that they've dealt satisfactorily with it. The book points out influences that a well-publicized illness and death had that were not recognized by the author at the time. As with those interviewed by the author, the experience of writing and talking with someone who understands the possible effects of a sibling's death are important in clarifying and then dealing with the emotions and effects. This is true even though many years may have passed and others think you're "over" the death of a sibling.
This is a good book for parents to read to understand what the siblings may face and to prepare for dealing with their children's and their own parent situations. The siblings may not be able to read the book due to their age or their level of emotional understanding but the parents should read it as part of parenting.

My brother Jim died when he was five; I was three, my little brother Don was barely a year old. I have only a few memories of Jim, but have lived my life with a hole where he should have been. Though he has no memories of him at all, Don has told me he feels the same. Our parents didn't really understand what I felt, due to both my reticence and social attitudes described in this book. But four years ago my mother figured it out, and found this book and gave it to me to read.

I was astounded. I kept saying to myself, "But this is MY life I'm reading about!" It was truly comforting to learn that my experience of sorrow and loss was far from unique, and to read of how others have coped with it.

This year, November of 2009, it will be fifty years since Jim died. That's how long I have been carrying this sorrow. Reading "The Empty Room" didn't just erase that, of course; that sorrow is part of what makes me who I am. But it was a revelation to read it, and I highly recommend it to anyone who lives with such a loss, or anyone who loves them.