Customer Reviews

Ending Marriage, Keeping Faith: A New Guide Through the Spiritual Journey of Divorce

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This book was very different from other books on divorce (and I have read a lot) because it spoke to the spiritual aspects of separating in a way that is very compassionate to those who have struggled with the faith issues of separation and still find that their marriage must end despite all the efforts to "make it work." It addressed my concerns of breaking marriage vows, divorcing with integrity, wondering about how far you must go toward working on reconcilation in a marriage, and forgiveness. The author is a minister who speaks of his own struggle with going through the "divorcing" process. He confirms that divorcing from a spouse is a spiritual journey not likely undertaken. He says, "Divorcing is the means to the end of being able to love again." The turning point is "when the motivation for ending a marriage shifts from flight to reinvestment--when a person is propelled not so much by the need to get away from a painful situation as by the desire to give herself or himself in new ways that a failing marriage is making impossible--to children, friends, to work , to our own growth and development and eventually to a new lover."

He states "the end of a marriage does not mean the end of a relationship. A marriage can fail but we do not fail at being responsible loving human beings." He talks about the myth of the "friendly" divorce, instead noting the difference between "friendliness" and "civility" with civility being more authentic and not guilt-producing because staying "friendly" is not what divorcing is about. He mentions the importance of redrawing and redefining boundaries when you are divorcing, and he states the 5 stages of "divorcing" which can occur before, during and after the legal divorce. I was comforted in knowing that it is a process, a journey toward ending a marriage and moving toward healing. He also has a great chapter on forgiveness: how much is enough. And if you are interested in questioning societal pressures or Biblical reasons traditionaly used to maintain a marriage at all costs, he thoughtfully counters that. He also ends with a chapter on how to rebuild the discover your new self after divorce, leading to healing. Just a wonderful healing book, very thoughtful.

I read the first printing of this book after my divorce in 2000. I loaned it to a friend and never saw it again. I just found out about the second printing and I'm thrilled!!

In all these years I've held Mr. Nichols' words close to my heart. Especially his observations regarding friendship with one's former spouse. He writes that our society pressures divorced couples to maintain a friendship. That pressure is often cruel. "It is unreasonable to expect couples to do in divorce what they could not do in marriage." (Something like that, it has been a long time.)

This book addresses the soulful and spiritual crises surrounding divorce that I have not found anywhere else.