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Enlightenment for Nitwits: The Complete Guide to 2012 & Beyond! [Kindle Edition]

Shepherd Hoodwin
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (35 customer reviews)

Print List Price: $14.95
Kindle Price: $9.95
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Book Description

This is perhaps the first metaphysical/self-help humor collection, designed to appeal to Oprah and Dave Barry fans as well as those with more esoteric interests. In a style reminiscent of comedian Steven Wright, it s full of wry one-liners along with longer, hilariously mind-bending pieces on a wide range of subjects, including:
  • Announcement from the Mayan Calendar Committee
  • My Toilet Runneth Over,
  • A Lesson in Impatience
  • Breatharians & Sun Gazers
  • Bed Death & Beyond Outsourcing & UFOs
  • This Just in from God:
  • It's Not Easy Being An Old Soul
  • The Tao Travel Agency
  • Politics & Naked Shopping
  • Lipstick on Pig Splotches
  • Poetry Slammed
  • Potty Training Your Inner Child
  • Self-Confidence for Total Losers
  • Do-It-Yourself Near-Death Experiences
And more!

It features an Afterword by God: Let There Be Light Already!

Each of its forty-five short chapters is introduced with a funny blurb and photograph. This is a book you will keep handy to savor whenever you need an infusion of joy.

COVER BLURBS

Now you can achieve enlightenment without doing absolutely any work on yourself whatsoever!

"Funniest book in the last two billion years! Frankly, I enjoyed it more than the Bible."
--GOD, Creator of the Universe

The Keys to Life are yours for the price of a cheap paperback!

Many seekers have trod the difficult path to enlightenment, giving up everything and going through hell--Not only is a trip to the Himalayas expensive, but you have to hike through yak poo to remote villages with no Wi-Fi.

Now you can reach the highest states of consciousness possible to humanity without missing a single text message. And even Walmart couldn't beat the price if it hired all the sadhus in India to toil in sweatshops for ten cents an hour to bring you the secrets of the Universe. This book is everything you need to ascend into the stratosphere of spiritual mastery!

More Acclaim for Enlightenment for Nitwits:

"Heck of a job, Hoodie! Of course, I didn't need this book because I was already enlightened, but I'm sure it will help a lot of other people. Keep up the good work!"
--GEORGE W. BUSH, former owner, Texas Rangers

"Thousands of candles can be lit from this single book. But read it first."
--THE BUDDHA, inventor of enlightenment

"Wickedly funny. Something to offend everyone!"
--SATAN, Prince of Darkness and leading cable news producer

"We are not amused. However, Prince Harry laughed his arse off."
--Her Royal Majesty QUEEN ELIZABETH II

MORE TESTIMONIALS

"I love Enlightenment for Nitwits! It is the funniest book I have read in several decades. If laughter leads to enlightenment, it will certainly do it. Nothing--thank God--is sacred in this delightful spoof on life in general."
--C. Norman Shealy, M.D., author of Life Beyond 100

"Enlightenment for Nitwits made me see God. I never would have guessed She wears so much makeup."
--Jeffrey Briar, California

"That filthy homosexual Zionist infidel swine Shepherd Hoodwin caused me to laugh so hard it almost made me want to forsake being a servant of Allah and become a comedian. May Allah punish him when he dies by greeting him with seventy-two voluptuous virgins. It would serve him right."
--Ayman al-Zawahri, leading terrorist

"Thanks to this book, I made a 360 degree turn in my life. ... It has it all: brilliant punctuation, scintillating paragraph breaks, & ampersands to die for."
--Stan Grindstaff, editor

"Draino for the Soul."
--Joe the Plumber

"Every star in rehab wants a copy. Hotter than the iPad Mini combined!"
--London Hilton, celebrity/hotel

"I would have peed in my pants if I had been wearing any."
--Meredith Bernhardt, Massachusetts


Editorial Reviews

Review

Enlightenment for Nitwits is the funniest book I have read in several decades. Without quoting the book, it is difficult to recognize its utter simplicity: "If you're not in absolute bliss by the end of it, you might want to increase your meds." "If you're reading this before the invention of the printing press, be advised it is forbidden to interfere with the course of human history." Everything, from his grandmother's urine and feces samples, beautifully gift wrapped and left on the train, to blowing it by having a thirty second negative thought, is the name of the game. Nothing is sacred. "Sometimes you have to spend another $3 at Walmart to get class and elegance." You can defend to the death your right to shop naked or you can buy the book and enjoy 223 pages of delightful spoofs.
--C. Norman Shealy, M.D., Ph.D., author of Life Beyond 100

About the Author

Shepherd Hoodwin has been channeling the Michael entity since 1986. He also does intuitive readings, mediumship, past-life regression, healing, counseling, and channeling coaching. He has conducted workshops on the Michael teachings throughout the United States. He is also the author ofJourney of Your Soul: A Channel Explores the Michael Teachings (North Atlantic Books, 2013), Meditations for Self-Discovery: Guided Journeys for Communicating with Your Inner Self, and Loving from Your Soul: Creating Powerful Relationships. Upcoming titles include Opening to Healing Energy, Growing Through Joy, and Being in the World. Shepherd is a graduate of the University of Oregon in Music. He lives in Laguna Niguel, California.

Product Details

  • File Size: 2441 KB
  • Print Length: 226 pages
  • Publisher: Summerjoy Press (August 25, 2011)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B005JE2CGM
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #532,117 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
A hodgepodge of ridiculousness, with no redeeming value whatsoever.

Taken with a grain of salt, an open mind, and a love for sarcasm...this book will blow your mind, and burst your belly (from laughing so hard).

It's almost impossible to describe, because it's so random, haphazard and filled with absurd silliness (along with just a wee bit of irreverence)

Caution: 1) Before reading, empty your bladder (if you don't you're sure to wet your pants), and get a box of tissues (or you'll have tears running down your face), and DO NOT EAT OR DRINK, (because you'll be sure to choke or shoot liquid out your nose). 2) If you're really really really easily offended, and can't laugh at yourself, you should probably pass on this book. Hoodwin makes light of just about everything and everyone. I personally only found a couple of sentences that I would have edited out, and I'm a prude.

Yes, it's THAT FUNNY.

(Originally posted on Libby's Library. Disclaimer: I did receive a copy of this book free of charge, so that I could write this review. NO other compensation was received, except for an abundance of giggles and guffaws!)
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Dry Humor at it's best August 28, 2012
Format:Paperback
When I first cracked this book I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I've never really read a book like this before. My usual genre for books is YA Fiction or Fantasy. But the description of this book was one that I just couldn't pass up giving a try. I need some good humor in my life every now and then.

For me it took a while to get used to Shepherd Hoodwin's style of writing. It is definitely different from what I am used it. It is quite random and jumps around a lot. It's not a story line, and a lot of the writing is unrelated to the others. Basically think of a book filled of witty one liners and you will have an idea of how the writing flows in Enlightenment for Nitwits.

Yet after about the first chapter I was used to the different writing style and soon found myself laughing. Actually laughing, out load! The trick is to understand that everything in this book is NOT to be taken seriously! There is some material that some religious affiliations could find offensive if they forget that everything in this book is a classic satire! As long as you remember that through the entire book, you too will find yourself laughing.

No, the entire book is not centered around religion. In fact the religious humor is only a very small part. It had a different subject for each chapter and explores all areas of life. The best is when his dry humor is relating a stereotyped personality and you realize you know someone just like them! Even better is when you realize you are that someone! Yes, you need to be able to laugh at yourself and at life.

I quite enjoyed that this book was quite clean in terms of language and content. There was no vulgar, explicit or inappropriate sexual content. The language is completely clean.
Read more ›
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Enlightenment for Nitwits August 23, 2012
Format:Paperback
I will be the first to admit that when I saw the title of the book, I actually feared opening it. I wasn't really in the mood for anything with the word "enlightenment" in it. Of course, I should have known better when it said "for nitwits".

I cautiously opened the book and began reading.

I. Couldn't. Put. It. Down!

I was literally laughing out loud - which is not a good thing when you are reading in bed at 11pm while hubby is trying to sleep because he gets up at 3am for work (oops!) But it was so funny and so great - I had to share!

I truly enjoyed this book and it was unlike anything I have read... well, at least in a really long time! I would highly recommend this book to anyone with a laid back, good sense of humor!
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars An Entertaining Book August 23, 2012
By Jenelle
Format:Paperback
I have to say that I wasn't sure if I was going on like the book or what to expect as there is a star on the front cover as a recommendation from "recommendation from "God, the Creator of the Universe" and there was a letter from Jesus in the book, which I did raise an eyebrow at.
But I decided to be open minded and u was pleasantly surprised as this was probably one of the most interesting and entertaining books that I have read in a long time. I almost read the book in one sitting as once you start you can't put it down. I quickly realized that this is definitely not a book is not for those that are easy offended or can't take a joke.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars A hilarious must read! August 23, 2012
By Kevan
Format:Paperback
The title itself, doesn't begin to capture the humor throughout this book!
I wasn't quite sure what I would find when I began reading but quickly realized that this wasn't like anything I have read before and a book that I didn't want to put down any time soon.
Shepherd Hoodwin chooses to touch on serious subjects with a heavy dose of humor and sarcasm with never ending lol topics/discussions like Potty Training Your Inner Child, Lipstick on a Pig and My Toilet Runneth Over.
My absolute favorite is Chapter 9, Words To Live By. On my journey of enlightenment, I have laughed at myself and maybe a little bit at those around me, agreed with Shepherd Hoodwin's sarcastic but true revelations and realized the irony of some chosen paths to enlightenment and so much more. Chpater 9 predicts that people will now want to hear just how wise I have become and Chapter 9 gives me all the answers I will need!
The best way to read this book is to savor and enjoy every morsel of wit and humor by reading a part of it each day.
You can meditate, pray or arrange your furniture just so on your quest of self-help and personal growth or you can have some fun in your journey and read Enlightenment for Nitwits the Complete Guide To 2012 & Beyond!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
1.0 out of 5 stars A groaner and eye-roller ...
A complete waste of time and money ... pass this one up! Shepherd Hoodwin's many attempts at humor fell flat, extremely flat. Read more
Published 4 months ago by Lynne A. Wallace
5.0 out of 5 stars Enlightenment for Nitwits
Enlightenment for Nitwits by Shepherd Hoodwin

Enlightenment for Nitwits The Complete Guide to 2012 and Beyond is a funny book by Author Shepherd Hoodwin who skillfully... Read more
Published 16 months ago by Andrea Garrison
5.0 out of 5 stars Who Says Enlightenment Can't Be Funny?
If you are looking for a book written by some self important guru who has spent countless hours chanting words that no one knows the meanings of, in places that no civilized person... Read more
Published 16 months ago by WTF Are You Reading? Book Reviewer
3.0 out of 5 stars A Humorous Look at Gaining Happiness
I was given this book as part of the blog tour to read and give an honest review.
I am not much for self-help books, to be honest. But this one was very cute. Read more
Published 17 months ago by bhwrn1
5.0 out of 5 stars Laughing all the way through the book !!
A very humorous and satirical look at the way different people believe in their way to find enlightenment and make their life a better one. Read more
Published 19 months ago by beckvalleybooks
5.0 out of 5 stars 2 Hour Stand up in a book!
Shepherd Hoodwin has managed to shove a 2 hour stand-up comedy routine into a book. I always keep a book in the bathroom. Read more
Published 19 months ago by Melissa Lawler
3.0 out of 5 stars Warning!
Warning! Warning! Warning! endorsed by God!

Every so often you have to step out the box and try something different. Read more
Published 19 months ago by Latina
4.0 out of 5 stars Little bit of everything
When I first heard about this book the title intrigued me I love a good laugh but, to be honest I don't usually read this type of books. Read more
Published 19 months ago by Elizabeth Trobaugh
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More About the Author

Shepherd Hoodwin has been channeling since 1986, and specializes in the fascinating Michael teachings, about how we set up our lifetimes. He is an intuitive, workshop leader, and teacher. He also does healing, mediumship, past-life readings and therapy, counseling, and channeling coaching (teaching others to channel). He is the author of the hilarious "Enlightenment for Nitwits: The Complete Guide to 2012 & Beyond!" His most recent book is "Journey of Your Soul: A Channel Explores the Michael Teachings" (second edition, North Atlantic Books, 2013).

He is also the author of "Meditations for Self-Discovery: Guided Journeys for Communicating with Your Inner Self" (print and Kindle) and "Loving from Your Soul: Creating Powerful Relationships" (Kindle).

Upcoming books include "Divine Innervention: How God Stops the Bad Guys Without Ruining Her Hair," "Opening to Healing," "Growing Through Joy," and "Being in the World."

Shepherd lives in Laguna Niguel, California. He can be contacted through his website at http://summerjoy.com (where you can sign up for his Perspectives newsletter). His blog is http://newagevillage.com/perspectives.

You can find more of his material at:
http://enlightenmentfornitwits.com (where you can sign up for a newsletter devoted to that book)
Twitter: @EnlightenNitwit, @shepherdh
http://www.facebook.com/shepherd.hoodwin

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