The Enneagram in Love and Work: Understanding Your Intimate and Business Relationships [Paperback]

Helen Palmer (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: December 15, 1995

New from Helen Palmer, a "leading teacher and practitioner of the Enneagram" (San Francisco Chronicle), the first Enneagram book to give practical advice, in fascinating detail, on how to have the best possible relationships in love and business.

Editorial Reviews

Review

A remarkable teacher....She has uncanny skill and integrity in observation and is brilliantly clear in expression....I have found the Enneagram the most powerful method of understanding and treating individuals and relationships. (David N. Daniels, M.D., clinical professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science, Stanford University )

The true and best self has a chance to emerge thanks to teachers like Helen Palmer. (Richard Rohr, author of Discovering the Enneagram )

More than anyone, she has helped bring [the Enneagram] alive. (Tony Schwartz, Esquire )

[Palmer is] the leading teacher and practitioner of the Enneagram. (San Francisco Chronicle )

About the Author

Helen Palmer conducts extended workshops, seminars, and training sessions on the Enneagram in the San Francisco Bay Area and around the country. She is the author of The Enneagram in Love and Work

Product Details

• Paperback: 432 pages
• Publisher: HarperOne; 1 edition (December 15, 1995)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0062507214
• ISBN-13: 978-0062507211
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.2 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (19 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #21,414 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

35 of 36 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Makes a great gift, June 23, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: The Enneagram in Love and Work: Understanding Your Intimate and Business Relationships (Paperback)

Palmer's books remain the best in a growing field. Her grasp of the subject is head and shoulders above the rest, simply because she trusts the voices of her interviewees to speak their truth rather than draw conclusions about personalities based on observation and abstraction. This is my greatest contention with Riso. His books are too "orderly" about type... people just don't fall into such tidy categories in the real world.

While I agree with other reviewers' critiques of her writing style, her grasp of the material is enormous and the insights on relationships - given the limited context of a book - are almost spooky. I've given a few copies of this book as a gift and had one couple report that the description of their types in the "Directory of Relationships" read like a psychologist's summary after meeting with them for a year. This section of the book is an ambitious undertaking by Palmer - pairing all the tupes and describing typical strengths, issues and characteristics of the combinations - and I found myself tantalized by her summaries, wanting more of her insights.

On the whole, I believe this is her best book on the subject. Some have taken a more abstract approach (Riso), others a bit more humorous one (Baron & Wagele), but Palmer's treatment of a complex system like the Enneagram is thorough, serious, and yet remains accessible. I strongly recommend this title, especially as a gift to those new to the Enneagram.

27 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The Enneagram in Love & Work: Insightful and Fun.... BUT...., November 12, 2003

By 

Peter Messerschmidt "denmarkguy" (Port Townsend, WA, USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Enneagram in Love and Work: Understanding Your Intimate and Business Relationships (Paperback)

Helen Palmer is widely viewed as one of the foremost experts on the "modern" enneagram, and her books are regarded by many as "standard" references on this system of personality typing, psychology, spirituality and self-growth. As a long-time student of the enneagram, I find that I often reach for one of her books when I have a question.

In this book, Palmer offers only the briefest of introductions to the historical background of the enneagram, and then goes on to in-depth descriptions of each of the nine enneatypes. For each type, she covers the basic personality traits, biases and preoccupations, as well briefly addressing the three "instinctual variants" found within each. She then proceeds to describe each type "in love" and "at work." In terms of love, these descriptions attempt to explain what it is like to "live with" each type, as well as that type's orientation towards intimacy and the "signals" (positive AND negative) they send to their intimate surroundings. In the "work" contexts, Palmer covers work styles, leadership styles, teamwork and areas of conflict. Overall, I found the descriptions to be quite accurate, and I gained some new insights into why people in my life behave the way they do.

The most useful part of the book is the third section, the "Directory of Relationships." This is basically a "matrix" of descriptions outlining how any given type is likely to interact with any other type. For each combination (for example, "four with nine") there is a brief description of the dynamic that might exist in a love relationship, as well as the dynamic of a boss/employee work relationship. The book is worth buying for this section, alone.

There is no "quiz" or "self test" in this book to help readers determine their enneagram type, so it is definitely beneficial to know your enneatype before starting-- otherwise be prepared to spend some time reading the different type descriptions before you can really gain much benefit from the relationship/work focus of the book's content.

I do have a few "niggles" with "The Enneagram in Love & Work;" some of which have already been touched on by prior reviewers. Palmer seems to have a somewhat uneven knowledge of each of the nine enneagram types. In spite of her "expert status," I give her the benefit of the doubtm as this is possibly a reflection that she's a follower of the "oral tradition" of the enneagram-- which revolves around learning from each type as they talk about their lives. The shortcoming of this system is that certain personality types are DRAWN to psychology workshops (thus offering a greater wealth of knowledge) while other types would have little interest in such things, thus resulting in underrepresentation and limited information. In general, though, Palmer offers many more accurate insights than questionable ones.

Another (very minor) problem I have is that Palmer starts the book by outlining the enneagram from a spiritual path perspective, setting the scene from the Bible's "Seven deadly sins" (Plus two others, which I am never quite sure where come from!), yet the entire book is basically focused on "personality type psychology." Given the body of work presented here, I think she would have done well to have provided more psychological perspectives in the introduction-- surprising, in a way, given that Helen Palmer is a practicing psychotherapist.

Final Thoughts: Recommended (8 out of possible 10 bookmarks); Palmer does a fair job of taking on the topic relationships between enneagram types, but at the end I still find myself thinking that "there's really more to it than this." This is perhaps not the most useful book for someone who's just starting out, but definitely a useful (and fun) reference for a person with some basic knowledge of the enneagram, or psychological type, in general.

Thanks for reading!

--Peter

78 of 91 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Excellent study, but subtly (and powerfully) flawed..., September 27, 2003

By 

Robert A Felthousen - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Enneagram in Love and Work: Understanding Your Intimate and Business Relationships (Paperback)

The enneagram is a psychological system that proposes nine fundamental personality types. Each type has learned from various childhood traumas to behave in a certain pattern so as to attract positive attention and repel negative attention. Perfectionists (type 1) earn love by being perfect. Helpers (type 2) earn love by being helpful. Performers (type 3) earn love through achievement and image. [The system gets more complex here.] Romantics (type 4) protect their vulnerability by longing for love at a distance. Observers (type 5) protect their vulnerability by detaching from emotions and seeking privacy. Troopers (type 6) protect their vulnerability by mistrusting love until it is "proven" safe. Epicures (type 7) protect their vulnerability by treating life as a grand adventure. [We go back to a simpler system here.] Bosses (type 8) earn love by taking charge and "fighting the good fight." Mediators (type 9) earn love by merging with their loved ones, losing all sense of self.

Okay. The rationale that Palmer presents for each type is often very reasonable. She describes typical childhood traumas for each type - for example, "Growing up in a context where survival depended on pleasing, [Helpers] gave to others to get their own needs met. [...] Wanting approval, they form an association in which they become indispensable" (63). She has very in-depth descriptions of each type, and for the most part I think she has really done her research. Five stars for her in-depth analysis.

However, there are two fundamental flaws running through the book. The first (and most obvious) is her pigeon-holing of the types into a spiritual framework of "seven deadly sins plus two not mentioned in the Bible." In order: type 1-anger, type 2-pride, type 3-deceit (not a sin, but a spiritual flaw), type 4-envy, type 5-avarice, type 6-fear (again, not a sin, but a spiritual flaw), type 7-gluttony, type 8-lust, type 9-sloth. While it's true that Perfectionists (type 1) tend to have anger-management problems, Romantics (type 4) can get envious when other people seem to function with so little effort (then again, who does't?), and Mediators (type 9) are characterized by inaction when unhappy, I wouldn't call these the over-riding passions of each type; nor would I try to create a Biblical structure in which minor habits of the types (Observers (type 5) like to be alone and are thrifty, ergo they must be avaricious) are elevated to dominant status. One star taken away for this ridiculous model.

More insidious than than her overt "sin-structure" is her bias toward Perfectionists (type 1) and against Observers (type 5). Another reviewer noted this discrepancy, so I'm not alone in this. Consider her (lousy) advice for getting along with a Perfectionist: "Do remember details. [...] They appreciate small gestures: being on time, remembering names, proper introductions. Speak respectfully. Make sure no one looks foolish. Ask for permission. Compliment thrift, effort, and dependability. Don't expect compliments in return. Cultivate your character. Set improvement goals. Don't flaunt your achievements. Admit error immediately. [...] Bring novelty and fun to relating. [...] Avoid power struggles. [Perfectionists] need to be right" (48). I cannot imagine worse advise - why not simply say, "Don't have a personality of your own, be totally available, and put everything you have into them but don't expect any effort returned." Throughout the book, Palmer privileges the Perfectionist type as inherently right. In her directory of relationships, which presumes to give advice to both partners of a romantic or work relationship, the Perfectionist is always presented as correct - in other words, Perfectionists are fine, they need no advice on how to get along with others. Everyone else has to figure out how to get along with them. One star taken away for bias.

In contrast, Observers "have a lot to learn." Her interpretation is totally skewed by her insistence that avarice is this personality type's "sin." A strong need for privacy and a monk-like ability to do without any material belongings characterize this type, yet Palmer insists that this type expresses avarice "by hoarding time and space" (137). "Detached from many of the desires and pleasures that feed the flurry of human activity," she scolds, "you watch and wait for something of significance" (135). She gives little advice for getting along with this type, and most of it simply reiterates the previous pages in bulleted format. Most crippling, however, is her constant scorn of this type. Palmer is full of "funny" stories about Observers - however, these stories are demeaning, petty, and ultimately not relevant. It's a sly way of putting down a type she obviously doesn't like, but her contempt shows through. Another star taken away for bias.

Total: two stars.

Last word: If you can wade through the compulsory mysticism and avoid the sections on Perfectionists and Observers, you have some pretty accurate reporting. Otherwise, avoid at all costs.