Customer Reviews

The Enneagram in Love and Work: Understanding Your Intimate and Business Relationships

5 star:		(11)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Palmer's books remain the best in a growing field. Her grasp of the subject is head and shoulders above the rest, simply because she trusts the voices of her interviewees to speak their truth rather than draw conclusions about personalities based on observation and abstraction. This is my greatest contention with Riso. His books are too "orderly" about type... people just don't fall into such tidy categories in the real world.

While I agree with other reviewers' critiques of her writing style, her grasp of the material is enormous and the insights on relationships - given the limited context of a book - are almost spooky. I've given a few copies of this book as a gift and had one couple report that the description of their types in the "Directory of Relationships" read like a psychologist's summary after meeting with them for a year. This section of the book is an ambitious undertaking by Palmer - pairing all the tupes and describing typical strengths, issues and characteristics of the combinations - and I found myself tantalized by her summaries, wanting more of her insights.

On the whole, I believe this is her best book on the subject. Some have taken a more abstract approach (Riso), others a bit more humorous one (Baron & Wagele), but Palmer's treatment of a complex system like the Enneagram is thorough, serious, and yet remains accessible. I strongly recommend this title, especially as a gift to those new to the Enneagram.

Helen Palmer is widely viewed as one of the foremost experts on the "modern" enneagram, and her books are regarded by many as "standard" references on this system of personality typing, psychology, spirituality and self-growth. As a long-time student of the enneagram, I find that I often reach for one of her books when I have a question.

In this book, Palmer offers only the briefest of introductions to the historical background of the enneagram, and then goes on to in-depth descriptions of each of the nine enneatypes. For each type, she covers the basic personality traits, biases and preoccupations, as well briefly addressing the three "instinctual variants" found within each. She then proceeds to describe each type "in love" and "at work." In terms of love, these descriptions attempt to explain what it is like to "live with" each type, as well as that type's orientation towards intimacy and the "signals" (positive AND negative) they send to their intimate surroundings. In the "work" contexts, Palmer covers work styles, leadership styles, teamwork and areas of conflict. Overall, I found the descriptions to be quite accurate, and I gained some new insights into why people in my life behave the way they do.

The most useful part of the book is the third section, the "Directory of Relationships." This is basically a "matrix" of descriptions outlining how any given type is likely to interact with any other type. For each combination (for example, "four with nine") there is a brief description of the dynamic that might exist in a love relationship, as well as the dynamic of a boss/employee work relationship. The book is worth buying for this section, alone.

There is no "quiz" or "self test" in this book to help readers determine their enneagram type, so it is definitely beneficial to know your enneatype before starting-- otherwise be prepared to spend some time reading the different type descriptions before you can really gain much benefit from the relationship/work focus of the book's content.

I do have a few "niggles" with "The Enneagram in Love & Work;" some of which have already been touched on by prior reviewers. Palmer seems to have a somewhat uneven knowledge of each of the nine enneagram types. In spite of her "expert status," I give her the benefit of the doubtm as this is possibly a reflection that she's a follower of the "oral tradition" of the enneagram-- which revolves around learning from each type as they talk about their lives. The shortcoming of this system is that certain personality types are DRAWN to psychology workshops (thus offering a greater wealth of knowledge) while other types would have little interest in such things, thus resulting in underrepresentation and limited information. In general, though, Palmer offers many more accurate insights than questionable ones.

Another (very minor) problem I have is that Palmer starts the book by outlining the enneagram from a spiritual path perspective, setting the scene from the Bible's "Seven deadly sins" (Plus two others, which I am never quite sure where come from!), yet the entire book is basically focused on "personality type psychology." Given the body of work presented here, I think she would have done well to have provided more psychological perspectives in the introduction-- surprising, in a way, given that Helen Palmer is a practicing psychotherapist.

Final Thoughts: Recommended (8 out of possible 10 bookmarks); Palmer does a fair job of taking on the topic relationships between enneagram types, but at the end I still find myself thinking that "there's really more to it than this." This is perhaps not the most useful book for someone who's just starting out, but definitely a useful (and fun) reference for a person with some basic knowledge of the enneagram, or psychological type, in general.

Thanks for reading!

--Peter

The enneagram is a psychological system that proposes nine fundamental personality types. Each type has learned from various childhood traumas to behave in a certain pattern so as to attract positive attention and repel negative attention. Perfectionists (type 1) earn love by being perfect. Helpers (type 2) earn love by being helpful. Performers (type 3) earn love through achievement and image. [The system gets more complex here.] Romantics (type 4) protect their vulnerability by longing for love at a distance. Observers (type 5) protect their vulnerability by detaching from emotions and seeking privacy. Troopers (type 6) protect their vulnerability by mistrusting love until it is "proven" safe. Epicures (type 7) protect their vulnerability by treating life as a grand adventure. [We go back to a simpler system here.] Bosses (type 8) earn love by taking charge and "fighting the good fight." Mediators (type 9) earn love by merging with their loved ones, losing all sense of self.

Okay. The rationale that Palmer presents for each type is often very reasonable. She describes typical childhood traumas for each type - for example, "Growing up in a context where survival depended on pleasing, [Helpers] gave to others to get their own needs met. [...] Wanting approval, they form an association in which they become indispensable" (63). She has very in-depth descriptions of each type, and for the most part I think she has really done her research. Five stars for her in-depth analysis.

However, there are two fundamental flaws running through the book. The first (and most obvious) is her pigeon-holing of the types into a spiritual framework of "seven deadly sins plus two not mentioned in the Bible." In order: type 1-anger, type 2-pride, type 3-deceit (not a sin, but a spiritual flaw), type 4-envy, type 5-avarice, type 6-fear (again, not a sin, but a spiritual flaw), type 7-gluttony, type 8-lust, type 9-sloth. While it's true that Perfectionists (type 1) tend to have anger-management problems, Romantics (type 4) can get envious when other people seem to function with so little effort (then again, who does't?), and Mediators (type 9) are characterized by inaction when unhappy, I wouldn't call these the over-riding passions of each type; nor would I try to create a Biblical structure in which minor habits of the types (Observers (type 5) like to be alone and are thrifty, ergo they must be avaricious) are elevated to dominant status. One star taken away for this ridiculous model.

More insidious than than her overt "sin-structure" is her bias toward Perfectionists (type 1) and against Observers (type 5). Another reviewer noted this discrepancy, so I'm not alone in this. Consider her (lousy) advice for getting along with a Perfectionist: "Do remember details. [...] They appreciate small gestures: being on time, remembering names, proper introductions. Speak respectfully. Make sure no one looks foolish. Ask for permission. Compliment thrift, effort, and dependability. Don't expect compliments in return. Cultivate your character. Set improvement goals. Don't flaunt your achievements. Admit error immediately. [...] Bring novelty and fun to relating. [...] Avoid power struggles. [Perfectionists] need to be right" (48). I cannot imagine worse advise - why not simply say, "Don't have a personality of your own, be totally available, and put everything you have into them but don't expect any effort returned." Throughout the book, Palmer privileges the Perfectionist type as inherently right. In her directory of relationships, which presumes to give advice to both partners of a romantic or work relationship, the Perfectionist is always presented as correct - in other words, Perfectionists are fine, they need no advice on how to get along with others. Everyone else has to figure out how to get along with them. One star taken away for bias.

In contrast, Observers "have a lot to learn." Her interpretation is totally skewed by her insistence that avarice is this personality type's "sin." A strong need for privacy and a monk-like ability to do without any material belongings characterize this type, yet Palmer insists that this type expresses avarice "by hoarding time and space" (137). "Detached from many of the desires and pleasures that feed the flurry of human activity," she scolds, "you watch and wait for something of significance" (135). She gives little advice for getting along with this type, and most of it simply reiterates the previous pages in bulleted format. Most crippling, however, is her constant scorn of this type. Palmer is full of "funny" stories about Observers - however, these stories are demeaning, petty, and ultimately not relevant. It's a sly way of putting down a type she obviously doesn't like, but her contempt shows through. Another star taken away for bias.

Total: two stars.

Last word: If you can wade through the compulsory mysticism and avoid the sections on Perfectionists and Observers, you have some pretty accurate reporting. Otherwise, avoid at all costs.

I've read many books on the Enneagram, and I found this book to be very helpful in understanding my present and past significant others and coworkers. My significant other is a 9, and my boss is also a 9 - pure heaven for us 7's! This book indicated how I can keep enhancing these relationships, and what to watch out for so that the relationships do not deteriorate. This book is also enlightening regarding past love and work relationships. I made a lot of mistakes in dealing with people in my past, and this book taught me to come to terms with these mistakes. I could see how my ex-husband (a 5) and I pushed each other's buttons. I could also see how I went head to head with my tyrannical ex-boss (an 8), who made most women subordinates cry when he was angry. This book brought to light more constructive ways of dealing with such people.

While many books on the Enneagram have been published, Helen Palmer has done one where the Enneagram is applied against the the dynamics of relationships and the workplace.

Palmer first gives a synopsis of the nine types . However, she gives different names of the types, different from Riso, although the focus of attention each types corresponds to Riso's analysis. I've listed Palmer's designation, followed by Riso's, and on the whole, I like Palmer's designations better, with the capital vice and antidote to each type.

1 Perfectionist, Reformer, anger, meekness
2 Giver, Helper, pride, humility
3 Performer, Motivator, [deceit], [truthfulness]
4 Romantic, Individualist, envy, charity
5 Observer, Investigator, avarice, poverty
6 Trooper, Loyalist, [fear], [courage]
7 Epicure, Enthusiast, gluttony, abstinence
8 Boss, Leader, lust, chastity
9 Mediator, Peacemaker, sloth, zeal

Like Riso, she covers George Gurdjieff, who pioneered the Enneagram in the West, but here's a fresh spin. She takes Dante's areas of Purgatory and Geoffrey Chaucer's virtue listed in The Parson's Tale. Each type is characterized by a certain passion, or a capital vice, and Chaucer's virtue is an antidote to that. The brackets above indicate that they are designations from Oscar Ichazo, who further developed the virtues. Palmer then uses Gurdjieff's centers of intelligence (mental, emotional, and body-based) to identify the focus of attention on each group. For a four, it's melancholy on the mental, envy on the emotional, and competition, shame, and recklessness on the body-based.

Palmer then covers each type in terms of worldview, spiritual path, concerns, personality bias, subtype focus, focal issues, security and risk, intimacy, positive and negative signals, leadership style, conflicts, conflict resolution, employee participation, and team building. In particular, I like the brief sentences used to describe the worldview. In my case, a Type 4, it is "Something is missing. Others have it. I have been abandoned." The sense of shame on feeling unworthy proceeds from that feeling that something is missing.

She does use Riso's dynamics for change in each group using the 142857 cycle. For example, a secure Type 4 shifts to a Type 1 on a positive, but an insecure Type 4 slides down to a Type 2.

Finally, Palmer creates a directory of relationships, love and workplace, playing each type against each other, e.g. 1's with 5's, 4's with 8's, etc. However, she steps away from Keirsey's notion that one type is optimal with another type, i.e. Rationals with Idealists, stating, "It would be a mistake, therefore, to categorize types according to compatibility or incompatibility. Your best match in intimacy and team building is actually any psychologically mature person."

As director of the Center for Enneagram Studies, and having written The Enneagram and The Pocket Enneagram, Helen Palmer is ideally placed to write this book.

This is Helen Palmer's second book, and a bit disappointing. The information here is somewhat better than her first book as one would hope, but "Love and Work" is poorly written, even ungrammatical. The combinations of the different enneagram points in relationship is the best part of the book, but these descriptions seem uneven and undeveloped. Some of the relationships described sounded more accurate than others. This book could have been really interesting, but I found it unsatisfying.

I found her book after reading several other books on the subject. Her book was superior, in that it was more than a clinical analyzation of the enneagram. She made the enneagram a usable tool. I disagree with her "spiritual typing", and her writing style (unfinished sentences and dangling phrases) made things a bit murky.

I borrowed this book from an instructor who was teaching the Enneagram to a small group of interested people. When I read the chapter on 4's I was amazed at the accuracy of the personality "type" to my own. It felt as if a clinical psychologist had followed me though my emotional and traumatic years and recorded all of my triumphs and tribulations in a concise, analytical manner. Better still, it explained why my instincts to react were so different from those around me. I learned to see that people have very different motivations than my own which meant that I needed to realize that I could not change them but I could now appreciate why they saw things in other ways.

As an added benefit I learned to understand (and accept) more about myself through Helen Palmer's book than I had through many years of professional psychogical therapy. Wish I had this knowledge 20 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of money.

The sheer simplicity of the book lends itself to the everyday language in which it was written. There is none of the false pretentiousness present in many of the books that share similar self-help messages. However, it does not feel as if it were written to stoop to the lowest common denominator either.

It should be noted that Palmer emphatically states that no-one should presume to "type" others as a method in which to judge what personality is most compatible to one's own purpose. As with any personality profiling there is the inevitable dilution of the original message that leads to generalizations and oversimplification.

My personal assessment is that the book is an easy and fascinating read for anyone wishing to better understand human behavior and interactions. I highly and heartily recommend it.

Helen Palmer is well-respected author in the Enneagram world. However, I don't personally find her to be one of the best in terms of accuracy, lucidity and covering a lot of ground in a short amount of space. A lot of the information in her books can be found elsewhere and I find these other descriptions of the types more true to life. Other people find Helen Palmer easier to read, so everyone reading this is aware of my bias.

Personally, I think the best introduction to the Enneagram available is "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" by Riso and Hudson. However, this book has something that their book does not, an excellent section on how each of the types relates to each other in work and love relationships. When you combine this with good introductions on each type, you get a winning combination for those people who want a simple introduction with this extra value added material.

If you are looking for depth, then Sandra Maitri's "The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram" is also excellent and dives quite deeply into each type from a more spiritual perspective. She bases her work on Almaas and in my opinion does a much better job than he does in bringing his concepts to life. Sandra Maitri can have a dark tone, but the Enneagram is really about shadow work or the different ways one can be an ego. Helen Palmer is more upbeat, but she is still honest about the shortcomings of each type.

If your interest in the Enneagram is casual, this is a good choice if you are only going to buy one book and you want it to cover relationships. If you want a better general introduction, go with Riso and Hudson "The Wisdom of the Enneagram."

This is the best enneagram book I've found. It's easy and fun to learn about yourself, your mate, and the people you work with. It's very helpful in every area of life by helping you understand what makes us who we are. It's perfect to help build teams at work, and making any relationship better.