Customer Reviews

Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life

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A close personal friend lent his copy of this book to me because he found it especially revealing and informative. Frankly, narcissism is not a subject in which I had much (if any) prior interest but I read it out of curiosity and increasing interest. I am pleased that I did. After reading this book, I was even more aware of the fact that -- over many years -- I had interacted with narcissists and, truth be told, had also been guilty of the same selfish and disruptive behavior. If I understand Carter's key points (and I may not), everyone can behave that way on occasion. However, there are certain individuals who (for whatever reasons) consistently think and behave narcissistically (if there is such an descriptive) and it is beneficial for those who interact with narcissists to understand that they share certain common characteristics which Carter identifies on page 7. For example: "An inability to empathize; that is, an inability to experience another person's feelings and perceptions from that person's point of view." The purpose of this book is to explain what narcissism is, and, to suggest how best to cope with it.

Carter carefully organizes his material within ten chapters which range from "What Makes a Narcissist?" to "Replacing Bitterness with Forgiveness." Throughout his narrative, Carter makes every effort to help his reader to understand what narcissism is (and isn't), and to help those who associate with narcissists on a direct and frequent basis so that they can respond appropriately. That is, without anger (in Chapter 7, he explains how to remove fear "from the equation" ), to make a commitment to humility, to foster an inner security about themselves, and to "replace bitterness with forgiveness." Re this last point, I was especially interested in what Carter has to say about forgiveness, given the number of times I have encountered narcissism in one form or another:

1. First, I was confused.

2. Then I was angry.

3. Then I felt guilty about being angry.

4. Then I was angry about feeling guilt.

5. Then I felt guilty about being angry and...

You get the idea.

As Carter explains, narcissists have the power to activate a sequence such as this. In many instances, that seems to be their objective, whether they realize it or not. The net result is that a relationship with a narcissist can -- paradoxically -- shift attention to another person (creating confusion, guilt, anger, etc. in that person) so as to divert attention -- under the control of the narcissist -- from the narcissist's own inadequacies and thus, more often than not, enable the narcissist to sustain control of the relationship...and do so guilt free.

I lack the formal training and professional experience to say much more about narcissism. However, I can assert that Carter has substantially increased my understanding of a pathology which (as previously noted) I had personally experienced but could not explain. One caveat: Beware of labeling a person a "narcissist" unless and until there is a pattern of recurrent and consistent behavior which exemplifies the eight common narcissistic traits. Even then, the person in question may or may not be a narcissist. (Only those fully qualified should make that determination.) Nonetheless, the advice which Carter offers can help those who read his book to respond appropriately to selfish and disruptive behavior. With regard to this book's subtitle, it may be possible to recognize narcissists but not always "manage" them. However, it is possible to manage how we respond to them. Hence my high regard for Carter's counsel.

when you've been through the misery inflicted by somebody with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I do object to the religious overtones in a book that purports to be factual and investigative, and the concept of original sin seems to me forced into the mix here and a little contrived. But I will say that the description of the traits of the NPD individual is dead on, and if you're in a state of bewildered agony about what's happening to you in a relationship with such a person, it's a breath of fresh air to know that there are others in the same predicament, "it" has a name, you're not necessary wrong about everything--despite what you've been told, and it's extremely comforting to know you're not alone. If you've been through the very warped looking-glass reality with someone who has NPD, this book will help you, even if you don't necessarily agree with its religious world-view.

This was a really great book on learning to identify someone in your life who is narcissistic and effective ways of managing their behavior (and yours!!) People who are always right, whose ideas and plans must over ride all others, who manage to draw attention to themselves for every positive thing that they do (and why!!) and who somehow always manage to leave you feeling guilty and/or angry at the way the situation turns out.....these are the people that are written about in this book. The strategy for coping with and deflecting the behavior of a narcissist was well thought out and can be implemented by anyone..........it just takes a bit of thought and the refusal to join into the narcissists' game.

I felt that this book had enough detail to inform and yet not overwhelm you. The look at the "heart" (they have one!?!?) of the narcissist was thought provoking but in the end the fact remains that you can not change that person no matter how hard you want to or how determined you may be. If you keep this individual in your life for whatever reason, you must learn to recognize their behavior and manage it in order for you to live a "normal" life.

I think that this is one of the best books on the subject of narcissism that I have ever read, and having a narcissist for a husband, I have read many. I disagree with the reviewers who found this book "religious" and "preachy". There are only a very few references to religion, and they definitely do not get in the way of the helpful information that this author provides. It is well written, and right on the money. For anyone who needs help in dealing with narcissistic people, this book is a must read. I can't wait to put all of the authors information to good use.

I started reading this book on a Sunday and then I couldn't stop or put it down. By then end of the evening it was actually helping me communicate better with my narcissist and I woke up happier with myself on Monday! The book does an excellent job of explaining why these people behave the way they do, and then , what you need to do to help yourself. They won't change, and they will wear you down, you have to stop letting them control you and your emotions. The author does does a such great job with this book. What a help! I've read any number of "self-help" topic books that are bogus but this book is outstanding. If you have to deal with immature, selfish and self-centered people day in and day out (who are over the age of five) don't hesitate to order this book.

I found this book extremely helpful in dealing with my own emotions, not just the lack of emotion of the narcissist. It also helped me recognize the narcissistic tendencies of others, including myself and the mirroring of those tendencies when one lives with a narcissist.

I have gained many strengths and insights from reading this book and look forward to returning to it when I need a "tune up". While I do not doctrinally agree with many of the religious aspects of the book, I still found it one of the most helpful books I have encountered lately. Because of the wealth of information I found in Dr. Carter's book, I have new confidence in my ability to get through the misery of self-doubt and self-loathing I have developed because of my encounters with many narcissists in my life, including relatives.

Narcissism is a very nasty personality disorder which has little to do with simple selfishness. It involves emotional and sometimes physical abuse of the people involved with the narcissist. Over time, it results in the emotional devastation of the victim of the narcissist. You cannot learn to "deal" with a narcissist in a close relationship. Implying that narcissistic personality disorder is something that can be "managed" is cruel to the victim, who has no doubt already gone through hell trying every method imaginable to deal with their abuser. Victims of the narcissist need to realize they need to end the relationship, just as do victims of physical violence. I would view the statement (made in the book) that narcissism is to be "forgiven" as a joke, if I didn't know that innocent, well-meaning victims are going to attempt to follow this advice and end up even worse off. Do you really think it is best to devote YOUR LIFE to someone who proves by their actions every day that the only person they care about is themselves, and are willing to lie, cheat and steal from anyone, even their own family? Someone who stays with a narcissist plays two roles: enabler and victim. Children born to narcissistic parents end up manipulated and used. By staying with a narcissist, are you willing to sentence your children to a life of emotional abuse? There are several VERY good books for the victim of the narcissist. If you want one that is short, inexpensive, and easy to read, try "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong".

I found this book extremely insightful. It not only explains what are the patterns of a Narcissist but author provides tools in how to deal with them. Very well written. If you have relationship(s) around you with people very controlling and manipulative and you find yourself playing the pleaser role in fear, then this book will be very useful to you. And this doesn't involve in trying to change them. Much of the learnings are about yourself and setting boundaries. Highly recommend it.

I am a marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping couples where there is a lot of psychological abuse. This is the book that I wish I had written! I've looked at a lot of books on narcissism and this one has the most advice that is actually understandable and written in plain terms. I like Sam Vaknin's definitive book on narcissism for those who want to learn things in depth and have time to read. I like "Narcissistic Lovers" for people who were in a failed relationship and are left wondering what happened. I like "The Narcissistic Family" for it's discussion of families and helping people become aware of the problem. I like "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" because of how it talks about narcissists in different contexts. I like "How to talk to a narcissist" because of its in-depth descriptions of different types of narcissists and its very helpful dialogue. Each of these books is good, but I really like this one best. It has the most helpful information about WHAT TO DO about it now that you know what a narcissist does.

I am going to recommend this book to my clients before any other book when they have a parent, spouse, child, or boss/colleague with narcissism, and they want solid information on WHAT TO DO & WHAT NOT TO DO in the relationship. This book tells it like it is with chapter after chapter on how to protect your self from the Narcissist's toxic behavior. I wish I had read this before I had my first encounter with a narcissist.

I have read several books on narcissism, but this is the easiest to understand and the most practical that I have seen. Having grown up with narcissists training me how to make them happy at all costs, I also ended up marrying one because it felt "comfortable" and "normal". I have been making great strides over the past 10 or 15 years to overcome what I came to realize was the oppression and conflict of living with a narcissist. This book put into words what I've been learning, truly understood what I've been experiencing, and gave me insights into how I can keep from losing myself in the midst of it. I highly recommend this book!