The Erotic Silence of the American Wife [Hardcover]

Dalma Heyn (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 14, 1995

A look at women and adultery, based on hundreds of in-depth interviews with married women who have had affairs, features discussions of what women want, what they do, and the consequences of their actions. Reprint.

--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Women having, or about to embark on, an extramarital affair will find emotional support in Heyn's nonjudgmental profiles of adulterous wives. From her own informal survey, she concludes that affairs may improve some marriages, particularly those in which women aspire to the idealized role of the "perfect wife." Sex columnist for Mademoiselle, Heyn uses interviews and case histories to glowingly portray wives who, in their secret romances, feel powerful, equal, reintegrated with their sexual selves. She wrestles with the question of whether a wife should tell her husband about an affair and analyzes the varied effects of adultery on marriage. This formulaic book is buttressed by literary examples ranging from Flaubert to Erica Jong, and by frequent summaries of other studies of marriage and adultery. First serial to McCall's, Elle and Mademoiselle; Literary Guild featured alternate; author tour.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate Hardcover edition.

From Library Journal

This book is about women in adulterous relationships. Using data from first - person interviews, Heyn explodes the usual myths about why women have extramarital affairs. Within a society that believes women have affairs only if they are bad women, or if their husbands "deserve" it, etc., and that adulterous wives feel overwhelmingly guilty as a result, Heyn uncovers a different tale. Women who expected themselves to be monogamous and committed to being perfect wives found themselves, for varying reasons, in extra-marital relationships that brought them much pleasure; a renewed sense of sexuality, vitality, and autonomy; and very little guilt. Readers, especially women, will find the book interesting and thought-provoking.
- Bonnie Hoffman, Stony Brook,
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an alternate Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover
• Publisher: Random House Value Publishing (November 14, 1995)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0517158485
• ISBN-13: 978-0517158487
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds
• Average Customer Review: 3.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (16 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #4,452,690 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dalma Heyn is the author of number of bestselling books: The Erotic Silence of The American Wife;  Marriage Shock: The Transformation of Women into Wives; and Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy; and most recently, she is the co-author, with her husband Richard Marek, of A Godsend: A Love Story For Grownups. Her books have been published worldwide and translated into 34 languages.

Dalma Heyn is a psychotherapist, a speaker, and a passionate advocate for women. Her books investigate the deepest places in our culture and our psyches to reveal the truth of women's experience, rather than reporting on how their experience is interpreted or judged.  Dalma listens to  women, rather than to what experts, or the culture, say about women.  Readers feel the difference.

In Dalma's own words: "For many years I've written books in which women express their deepest feelings about the tricky and often paralyzing negotiation between intimacy and self; between pleasure and pleasing. My books, both nonfiction and fiction, look at an evolving culture and its new choices for women; and the evolving women who are expressing a bold new vision for the place of love, marriage, spirituality and accomplishment in their lives."

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

16 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Mixed feelings, November 2, 2005

By 

Emily H. (Toronto, ON, CAN) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Erotic Silence of the American Wife (Paperback)

I must say I overall enjoyed reading The Erotic Silence of the American Wife. The stories of the women featured are interesting, and Dalma Heyn takes care not to be judgmental. She also challenges some of the myths about women's foray into the world of extramarital sex: that adulterous women are "bad," that affairs will destroy them emotionally (as they do in books like Anna Karenina), etcetera. On the other hand, I was left with some troubling questions. For instance, though to her credit Heyn states that her book is not scientific, I couldn't help but notice that some of her conclusions went against actual scientific surveys of women having extramarital affairs. Heyn writes that in choosing an extramarital partner, women don't look at the man's social status, education, etcetera. However, scientific studies show that when they have affairs, women tend to pair off with men who enjoy higher social status than their husbands. Thus despite their "liberated" veneer, adulterous women may not be as egalitarian as Heyn portrays them to be. As well, though she tries to explode the "myth" that happily married women don't cheat, the examples of the women she depicts don't support her thesis. All of the three principal women featured had something "missing" from their marriage. One woman's marriage had become basically asexual. Another woman, a sexual adventurer before her marriage, didn't think her husband was passionate enough. The third claimed she and her husband lacked communication in their marriage and eventually divorced. So it's unclear whether Heyn's work would apply to women who are happily married; judging from the examples she gives, it seems that affairs really are the resort of unhappily partnered women. So while the personal accounts of these women are interesting, in my view the book really doesn't give any powerful new insight on women's sexuality.

20 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Better than all the feminist literature combined!, December 12, 1999

By 

Kim L. Roebuck (Cincinnati, Ohio) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Erotic Silence of the American Wife (Paperback)

This is the best book, even better than her second title, Marriage Shock. There has never been such a courageous attempt to give women's sexuality a voice, exactly the way it is in reality. She backs up her conclusions with powerful scientific data, as scarce as it is concerning the truth about women's sexual silence. This is better than Nancy Friday's books about women's sexual fantasies because it focuses rather on the internal shut-down that nearly every woman meets after she gets married. Someone needs to address why 65% of marriages are ending in divorce, most of them ended by women. No one else is addressing it like Dalma Heyn is doing. Every woman needs to read it, whether single or married. It will bring back the empowerment, creativity, and vitality that most women lose spending their lives doing good but feeling bad. Women's depression statistics are skyrocketing. I'm ordering 10 copies today as X-mas gifts for all my women friends.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars I loved this book, August 3, 2001

By 

"dustbunnyboo" (USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Erotic Silence of the American Wife (Paperback)

It's about time someone wrote a book that dealt with the obsession society has with punishing married women for displaying any sexual proclivities at all. The Donna Reed Syndrome is still alive and (un)well in America. It's no coincidence that adulterous women in literature are usually dead by the end of the book, but the men [who they are] with are not. Women are set to a much higher standard and punished more severely for any sort of sexual transgression. Anyone who is interested in an honest look at women's sexuality should read this book.