Customer Reviews

The Erotic Silence of the American Wife

5 star:		(6)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I must say I overall enjoyed reading The Erotic Silence of the American Wife. The stories of the women featured are interesting, and Dalma Heyn takes care not to be judgmental. She also challenges some of the myths about women's foray into the world of extramarital sex: that adulterous women are "bad," that affairs will destroy them emotionally (as they do in books like Anna Karenina), etcetera. On the other hand, I was left with some troubling questions. For instance, though to her credit Heyn states that her book is not scientific, I couldn't help but notice that some of her conclusions went against actual scientific surveys of women having extramarital affairs. Heyn writes that in choosing an extramarital partner, women don't look at the man's social status, education, etcetera. However, scientific studies show that when they have affairs, women tend to pair off with men who enjoy higher social status than their husbands. Thus despite their "liberated" veneer, adulterous women may not be as egalitarian as Heyn portrays them to be. As well, though she tries to explode the "myth" that happily married women don't cheat, the examples of the women she depicts don't support her thesis. All of the three principal women featured had something "missing" from their marriage. One woman's marriage had become basically asexual. Another woman, a sexual adventurer before her marriage, didn't think her husband was passionate enough. The third claimed she and her husband lacked communication in their marriage and eventually divorced. So it's unclear whether Heyn's work would apply to women who are happily married; judging from the examples she gives, it seems that affairs really are the resort of unhappily partnered women. So while the personal accounts of these women are interesting, in my view the book really doesn't give any powerful new insight on women's sexuality.

This is the best book, even better than her second title, Marriage Shock. There has never been such a courageous attempt to give women's sexuality a voice, exactly the way it is in reality. She backs up her conclusions with powerful scientific data, as scarce as it is concerning the truth about women's sexual silence. This is better than Nancy Friday's books about women's sexual fantasies because it focuses rather on the internal shut-down that nearly every woman meets after she gets married. Someone needs to address why 65% of marriages are ending in divorce, most of them ended by women. No one else is addressing it like Dalma Heyn is doing. Every woman needs to read it, whether single or married. It will bring back the empowerment, creativity, and vitality that most women lose spending their lives doing good but feeling bad. Women's depression statistics are skyrocketing. I'm ordering 10 copies today as X-mas gifts for all my women friends.

It's about time someone wrote a book that dealt with the obsession society has with punishing married women for displaying any sexual proclivities at all. The Donna Reed Syndrome is still alive and (un)well in America. It's no coincidence that adulterous women in literature are usually dead by the end of the book, but the men [who they are] with are not. Women are set to a much higher standard and punished more severely for any sort of sexual transgression. Anyone who is interested in an honest look at women's sexuality should read this book.

One unfortunate fact that this book accurately points to is that sometimes women surrender their individuality when they get married, losing their voice and sexual power to an oppressive male society. What is even more unfortunate, however, and inexcusable, is the author's claim that a woman can and should regain these qualities by engaging in extramarital affairs. The author also claims that infidelity is a quality of inner strength. This is clearly an asinine view. Although the author does hit the mark as far as what repressed males and society in general expects from married women, her constant use of catch phrases and skillful sidestepping of certain relevant points is very disappointing. She often sites examples taken from works of fiction and outdated ideas. She never attempts to convey to women how they might open better communicates in order to solves their problems or offer sensible solutions. In short, she fails to point out that a happy marriage must be one of equality and mutual respect. The only solution she offers to the married woman seeking to regain her sense of self is to be unfaithful to her marital vows. Is this the voice of reason? I think not. This book offers little more than an excuse for those seeking to purge themselves of the guilt, which comes with marital infidelity. There is no such excuse. Adultery is an immoral choice made by a weak will, whether male or female. I am therefore left to wonder what the author's true motivations were in writing such nonsense

Heyn's recitation of the straitjacket that contemporary marriage places women into is masterful. As the sex that is "not allowed" to have sexual drives, women suffer disproportionately from our marital mythology. Evolutionary biology is proving that women have urges for "extra-pair copulations" just as strong as any man's, though for different reasons. Heyn helps explode the comfortable mythology that undergirds the demand (mainly by men, but also by insecure women who have "gotten theirs") for sexual exclusivity in marriage.

Her only shortcoming is in not going the next step - helping women to see the wisdom of working with their partners to remove the shame and guilt associated with "cheating" and achieve an honest, open peer marriage in which expressing sexuality and romantic love is seen as the natural right of both partners - both with each other and with others outside the pair-bond. The two are NOT mutally exclusive.

I feel sorry for the bitter women and men who reviewed this book negatively - I know it frightens them badly. Women seizing control of their sexuality and their personhood is frightening to insecure men and women alike.

I only wish they could be more objective and hear the truth being told in these women's stories. Forced by a rigid structure to transgress in order to feel alive, whole, and valued, these women are exposing the fallacies of our medieval institution of lifelong, sexually exclusive marriage. How much better for us all if we could mutually, carefully, but determinedly tear down the barriers and walls that imprison both men and women!

I find the premise that women can experience some type of liberation in extramarital affairs very flawed. For one thing, many men in these illicit relationships are just using the women, so in that way the women are actually making themselves a willing party to sexual exploitation.
In addition, I think part of the problem is a misconception of marriage. The proper, healthy view of marriage is one in which the man and woman view each other as equals, really love each other, and keep good communication. Furthermore, the man and woman have the humility to be willing to admit when wrong and say "I'm sorry," and to change in order to make the marriage better (such as stop criticizing and being selfish, start listening more, letting go of bad habits, etc.), and view their spouse as a person of value and love them as their own flesh. Then, the marriage is truly a union to cherish.
Men and women can treat each other badly, but two wrongs never make a right. What about other women who are victimized in the name of these "liberated" adulteresses? Surely, some of the men involved in the affairs are married themselves, so I wonder if it makes their wives feel better that at least their unfaithful husband is helping another woman with her identity, self-power, or whatever. What about the poor children?
We have reached the point where instead of calling something that is wrong, wrong, we rationalize it in order to allay our guilt and justify ourselves. It's a type of "Every man is right in his own eyes."
One other issue, out of many that I could mention, that I had with this book is that it seems to assume that marriage is some type of hindrance that holds women back, so they need to act out in affairs in order to get in touch with themselves again. However, marriage is not inherently this way. It's men who don't respect women as true equals, and men and women who don't respect the sanctity of their vows to each other and each other's trust that is the problem.
Basically, it's the age-old story of our depraved nature doing something wrong, then blaming someone else or finding some justification to excuse ourselves so we can go on doing wrong with a seared conscience.

This book was life changing and challenging. It changed the way I live my life and the way I look at relationships. I am not pro-affairs but I can understand how men and women go outside of their marriages to find themselves. The analysis Heyn gives of our culture and what it means to be a wife and woman was mind blowing. Relationships can be more fullfilling and growth oriented if we start to value ourselves as much as our husbands and children- which is what the women did here through the act of infidelity which was a last resort to finding themselves.

First of all I agree with the reviewers who do not perceive this book as a threat to marriage, or to fidelity. Rather, what this book does is help women understand some very difficult and painful emotions that may come up within a long term relationship. I agree, that if anything, she is trying to help women make their relationships better, not by having affairs, but by trying to help them understand their emotional unhappiness, so they may work with their partners to improve their relationships, together, rather than seeking out relationships outside of their primary relationship. It is only very insecure people who are threatened by this book. Knowledge is not dangerous, but rather it is ignorance that is dangerous.

I am a married woman in my late twenties and for the record I am not having an affair and never plan to cheat on my husband. however in reading this book I don't think the author was trying to justify affairs as much as make me understand why these particular women and ultimately the women she had conversations with ended up in such a place in thier marriage - so maybe I could avoid the same pitfalls. In reading about these women I found alot of common ground in how they felt about how they ended up in the space they occupy. How Society influenced the way they viewed marriage and altered the way the approached marriage in general - i highly recomend young newlywed women read this book - to help them understand some of the pitfalls you can find in marriage , to help them avoid walking into a situation that is completely avoidable, I don't mean avoiding the marriage i mean avoiding unspoken expectations by being aware of them and speaking about them. This book doesn't offer much by the way of solutions and thats okay - there are a zillion books out there that do that - but it does offer an very valuable view into womens thinking and response to marriage. Read it and learn from it,

Woman enjoy sex with more than one partner just as much as men do. But whereas in males, society has always excused sex because "men, according to their nature, just need a change once in a while", women have always been denied the right to the same thing. If a woman did have an affair anyway, it was supposed that "there must have been something wrong in her marriage to make her do so." But Dalma Heyn shows, that most women just have affairs for no other reason but the joy of making love with more than only one partner. And, the number of women, who have a bad conscience while doing so is more and more diminishing. Another book to be recommended in this context is: "The ethical slut".